My separated AH and I are having an in-depth counseling weekend in 3 weeks. In the meantime, our counselor has asked us to avoid processing, until she gets there. My AH is very impulsive, and tries to process the past, present and future every time we are on the phone together. It's exhausting, and Wich leads to me avoid his phone calls, which in turn causes more problems. SIGH. He has been told that this counseling session is a "last ditch" effort on my part - that I am near the end of my rope in trying to hang in there. Today, on our call, he said he thinks the weekend is going to be a disaster. I replied that if he already thinks so, it likely will be. I asked him to talk about it with the counselor, not me, and to please avoid processing with me for now. He accused me of wanting it to fail, and I replied that I was the one who initiated this 'last ditch' attempt - all I get from him is telling me what he won't do, never what he is willing to do. He replied by saying "I'm intuitive about these things... are you talking with lawyers?" At this point I said I needed to leave, and hung up.
I try to be a very honest person. I wear my heart on my sleeve, naturally. I probably disclose too much to too many people, about my emotional life. My errors are usually errors of omission (which are also wrong, and I try to be aware of), rather than telling a falsehood. I really struggle with this w/ my kids, because I don't want to ever lie, and yet have to figure out how to also be age-appropriate in my disclosures.
I do not want to lie to him, because lying does not feel right to me. Also, if I avoid answering this question, when he finds out I have talked with lawyers, he will accuse me of lying and it will feed his paranoia (which has been afraid of being served papers for years now). I would like him to understand how very serious I am about the possibility of dissolving our marriage. However, it will likely backfire in ways I can't even imagine. Or can, but don't want to.
Any ESH is sooo appreciated. My main priorities right now are to hold my head high because I am acting as honorably as I can, and to take care of my kids' needs and myself.
-- Edited by oceanpine on Sunday 28th of August 2016 01:13:41 PM
oceanpine said
Aug 28, 2016
PS: I will see him when I pick my son up in an hour to go somewhere. I am scared he is going to ask me this question again, to my face.
SerenityRUS said
Aug 28, 2016
Oceanpine,
It has always been my belief:
To thy own self be true.
This means following when in doubt don't.
Pause, Pray and Proceed.
More will be revealed sometimes it just needs time to unwind.
Big hugs,
S :)
oceanpine said
Aug 28, 2016
Thank you, Serenity.
I will pray, now.
Mattie said
Aug 28, 2016
He is trying to pressure you into talking about it, when you don't want to talk about it and you have been advised not to talk about it. He is trying every trick in the book to get you to talk about it anyway. Including the trick of getting mad. Getting mad is one way people like that try to control others. We can get out from under that control by not being bothered by them getting mad. Him: "I think it's going to be a disaster!" You: "I'll talk about it at the time." Him: "I can't believe you don't even love me enough to be straight with me!" You:"I'll talk about it at the time." Him, sarcastically: "I'll talk about it at the time! I'll talk about it at the time! Why do you have to be such an idiot where you can't even have an honest word with me!" You: "I have to go now. Bye." [Click.] Rinse, repeat. Rinse, repeat. Remember, we don't have to show up to all the arguments we're invited to! Hang in there.
Iamhere said
Aug 28, 2016
oceanpine - I used to overshare too - especially all my emotional baggage and martyrisms.....I had to learn to only discuss my 'stuff' with trusted program friends and my sponsor. It made my life so much more peaceful to talk with others who understood what I felt, why I felt it and could offer me hope of getting to the other side.
No matter what he says, asks, does or doesn't do, what are you going to do? The bottom line and the easy answer is, "As agreed upon in counseling, I'm not going to talk with you, process with your or discuss with you anything to do with our relationship. If we can't be civil for the sake of the children, I believe our communication should be email only until we meet with the counselor again." < End of discussion. He can rant, ask, push, prod and you can just ignore him or repeat it or send it to him in an email.
It doesn't matter if it's his disease pushing for answers or just his person. Many people I know that aren't As are anti-counseling. They resist allowing others knowing their dirty laundry. It's just the way it is, but you and the counselor have been clearly stated to him that this is your effort to fix the marriage. Diseased or not, active or sober, he has to realize that bucking the system is choosing the outcome.
There is no reason or point in projecting how it will go, say your peace as nicely as possible, and then leave the rest up to God. You got this!!
My separated AH and I are having an in-depth counseling weekend in 3 weeks. In the meantime, our counselor has asked us to avoid processing, until she gets there. My AH is very impulsive, and tries to process the past, present and future every time we are on the phone together. It's exhausting, and Wich leads to me avoid his phone calls, which in turn causes more problems. SIGH. He has been told that this counseling session is a "last ditch" effort on my part - that I am near the end of my rope in trying to hang in there. Today, on our call, he said he thinks the weekend is going to be a disaster. I replied that if he already thinks so, it likely will be. I asked him to talk about it with the counselor, not me, and to please avoid processing with me for now. He accused me of wanting it to fail, and I replied that I was the one who initiated this 'last ditch' attempt - all I get from him is telling me what he won't do, never what he is willing to do. He replied by saying "I'm intuitive about these things... are you talking with lawyers?" At this point I said I needed to leave, and hung up.
I try to be a very honest person. I wear my heart on my sleeve, naturally. I probably disclose too much to too many people, about my emotional life. My errors are usually errors of omission (which are also wrong, and I try to be aware of), rather than telling a falsehood. I really struggle with this w/ my kids, because I don't want to ever lie, and yet have to figure out how to also be age-appropriate in my disclosures.
I do not want to lie to him, because lying does not feel right to me. Also, if I avoid answering this question, when he finds out I have talked with lawyers, he will accuse me of lying and it will feed his paranoia (which has been afraid of being served papers for years now). I would like him to understand how very serious I am about the possibility of dissolving our marriage. However, it will likely backfire in ways I can't even imagine. Or can, but don't want to.
Any ESH is sooo appreciated. My main priorities right now are to hold my head high because I am acting as honorably as I can, and to take care of my kids' needs and myself.
-- Edited by oceanpine on Sunday 28th of August 2016 01:13:41 PM
PS: I will see him when I pick my son up in an hour to go somewhere. I am scared he is going to ask me this question again, to my face.
It has always been my belief:
To thy own self be true.
This means following when in doubt don't.
Pause, Pray and Proceed.
More will be revealed sometimes it just needs time to unwind.
Big hugs,
S :)
Thank you, Serenity.
I will pray, now.
He is trying to pressure you into talking about it, when you don't want to talk about it and you have been advised not to talk about it. He is trying every trick in the book to get you to talk about it anyway. Including the trick of getting mad. Getting mad is one way people like that try to control others. We can get out from under that control by not being bothered by them getting mad. Him: "I think it's going to be a disaster!" You: "I'll talk about it at the time." Him: "I can't believe you don't even love me enough to be straight with me!" You:"I'll talk about it at the time." Him, sarcastically: "I'll talk about it at the time! I'll talk about it at the time! Why do you have to be such an idiot where you can't even have an honest word with me!" You: "I have to go now. Bye." [Click.] Rinse, repeat. Rinse, repeat. Remember, we don't have to show up to all the arguments we're invited to! Hang in there.
No matter what he says, asks, does or doesn't do, what are you going to do? The bottom line and the easy answer is, "As agreed upon in counseling, I'm not going to talk with you, process with your or discuss with you anything to do with our relationship. If we can't be civil for the sake of the children, I believe our communication should be email only until we meet with the counselor again." < End of discussion. He can rant, ask, push, prod and you can just ignore him or repeat it or send it to him in an email.
It doesn't matter if it's his disease pushing for answers or just his person. Many people I know that aren't As are anti-counseling. They resist allowing others knowing their dirty laundry. It's just the way it is, but you and the counselor have been clearly stated to him that this is your effort to fix the marriage. Diseased or not, active or sober, he has to realize that bucking the system is choosing the outcome.
There is no reason or point in projecting how it will go, say your peace as nicely as possible, and then leave the rest up to God. You got this!!