Hi everyone! I hope you all had a good day and will have a good day :)
So it's been a week or so that my AH was true to his word that he'll no longer drink after the bad accident. But I am sensing the desire when he mentioned yesterday after going to church that he saw some beer bottles near the convent and commented that even priests drink. I answered with: "not only priests, there are a lot of other people who drinks but the effect of the drinking is different on everyone, there are those who are badly affected. Why, are you feeling like you would like to have a drink? Go ahead, it's your choice and promise." He replied with let's not start an argument on this. I immediately changed the topic though I was bothered there for a while, because IDK if my reply will be taken as sarcasm when I didn't have any intention to be, I thank God it ended good.
But as like the many mornings, I will have to ask again God to help with the day because it's always unpredictable how my AH will wake up, grouchy or not. This morning he is grouchy! I tried to keep my cool in my words and actions. I could already sense from his body language that it's not a good start. While washing the dishes (he would always volunteer to wash the dishes) he grabbed from my hand the cups I was gonna put in the sink. I just commented with: "you need not grab it, you can take them from me gently" He replied with "I am just in a hurry because I still have a lot of things to do". I couldn't help but answer: "we can still be nice and kind even when we're in a hurry" and then I just finished clearing the table and went upstairs.
I have to take a deep long breath and breath, breath and breath! I've been warned by the many ESHs here that drinking or not drinking I will have to face some nasty behavior from the problem drinker. I understand it is hard for him! As I reflect, I know that pointing out to him his bad behavior will not change him because I could not change him so I told myself that instead of telling or pinpointing to my AH about a bad behavior I will tell it to MYSELF. So if he is shouting, I will not shout. If he is being rude, I will be kind. I will take the bad behaviors I see in him as though my own and reproach Myself to correct ME. I couldn't remember the exact quote but I read sometime ago that the changes you make in yourself can bring about changes to the rest or something to that effect. It's gonna be hard, so help me God, please
Have a great weekend everyone (((Hugs)))
Jerry F said
Aug 27, 2016
This is indeed recovery J...self focus and do what you want and expect others to do. Compassion and Empathy for both of you...peace of mind and serenity also. Been there on both sides and it sucked and then it stopped. I did what you have told yourself to do and it worked. Love to you and your alcoholic. ((((hugs))))
pinkchip said
Aug 27, 2016
Good awareness. Keep your cool, but don't be a doormat either.
jocelgp said
Aug 27, 2016
Hi Jerry, looks like it's working. He just came in, and guess what he came in and in a jolly mood told me that our baby dog is so cute lying in the doormat. Oh my, the erratic, unpredictable behavior!
Did I say I was gonna do the opposite of his behavior, so I have to be nasty this time... it's a joke Jerry, LOL!
And yes pinkchip, speaking of doormat, what a coincidence... I'll keep that in mind, it's my boundary, keep reminding :)
Thanks and (((hugs)))
Iamhere said
Aug 28, 2016
Hey J - lovely program effort. I so love the 'When in doubt, don't' slogan - it helped me not respond to everything. Often, I just kept my mouth closed as there seemed to be an unwritten/unspoken contest to get the last word in. I changed the rules and decided I would win or benefit from not opening my mouth even if I so, so wanted to. Mine now realize when I do not respond, it's my choice and it often ends arguments before they start. Over time, all have come back at a later date and apologized for their attitude.
It's not my job to tell another person when to be pleasant and kind.....they already know. It's my job to not take it personally and to pray for them to have peace. If there is even a slight hint of verbal abuse starting, I stop what I am doing and leave the room. I've turned off the oven/stove/dryer/whatever, and just retreated away to remove me as a target many times. I will take a walk, get in my car and go for a drive, step into the bathroom - anything possible to disrupt the momentum.
The changes in me have affected changes in them. I had to reteach others how to treat me and what I would/would not tolerate. Just food for thought - take what you like and leave the rest!
likemyheart said
Aug 28, 2016
I see nothing wrong about you saying we can still be nice and kind. Sounds like you said what you meant and didn't say it mean. We tell others how its ok to treat us and you were telling him that its not ok to not be nice and kind - you didn't make a messy scene, said what you said then you went on to do whatever needed doing.
Hi everyone! I hope you all had a good day and will have a good day :)
So it's been a week or so that my AH was true to his word that he'll no longer drink after the bad accident. But I am sensing the desire when he mentioned yesterday after going to church that he saw some beer bottles near the convent and commented that even priests drink. I answered with: "not only priests, there are a lot of other people who drinks but the effect of the drinking is different on everyone, there are those who are badly affected. Why, are you feeling like you would like to have a drink? Go ahead, it's your choice and promise." He replied with let's not start an argument on this. I immediately changed the topic though I was bothered there for a while, because IDK if my reply will be taken as sarcasm when I didn't have any intention to be, I thank God it ended good.
But as like the many mornings, I will have to ask again God to help with the day because it's always unpredictable how my AH will wake up, grouchy or not. This morning he is grouchy! I tried to keep my cool in my words and actions. I could already sense from his body language that it's not a good start. While washing the dishes (he would always volunteer to wash the dishes) he grabbed from my hand the cups I was gonna put in the sink. I just commented with: "you need not grab it, you can take them from me gently" He replied with "I am just in a hurry because I still have a lot of things to do". I couldn't help but answer: "we can still be nice and kind even when we're in a hurry" and then I just finished clearing the table and went upstairs.
I have to take a deep long breath and breath, breath and breath! I've been warned by the many ESHs here that drinking or not drinking I will have to face some nasty behavior from the problem drinker. I understand it is hard for him! As I reflect, I know that pointing out to him his bad behavior will not change him because I could not change him so I told myself that instead of telling or pinpointing to my AH about a bad behavior I will tell it to MYSELF. So if he is shouting, I will not shout. If he is being rude, I will be kind. I will take the bad behaviors I see in him as though my own and reproach Myself to correct ME. I couldn't remember the exact quote but I read sometime ago that the changes you make in yourself can bring about changes to the rest or something to that effect. It's gonna be hard, so help me God, please
Have a great weekend everyone (((Hugs)))
This is indeed recovery J...self focus and do what you want and expect others to do. Compassion and Empathy for both of you...peace of mind and serenity also. Been there on both sides and it sucked and then it stopped. I did what you have told yourself to do and it worked. Love to you and your alcoholic. ((((hugs))))
Did I say I was gonna do the opposite of his behavior, so I have to be nasty this time... it's a joke Jerry, LOL!
And yes pinkchip, speaking of doormat, what a coincidence... I'll keep that in mind, it's my boundary, keep reminding :)
Thanks and (((hugs)))
It's not my job to tell another person when to be pleasant and kind.....they already know. It's my job to not take it personally and to pray for them to have peace. If there is even a slight hint of verbal abuse starting, I stop what I am doing and leave the room. I've turned off the oven/stove/dryer/whatever, and just retreated away to remove me as a target many times. I will take a walk, get in my car and go for a drive, step into the bathroom - anything possible to disrupt the momentum.
The changes in me have affected changes in them. I had to reteach others how to treat me and what I would/would not tolerate. Just food for thought - take what you like and leave the rest!