It dawned on me a few years into recovery that I had no internal voice that looked after me, rooted for me, said nice things to me, validated me, assured me, and cheered me on. I had no inner cheerleader. Rather, I had inner voices telling me I was weak, couldn't make it on my own, didn't deserve good things, was damaged goods, scolded and put down myself and also told me to feel sorry for myself. That was MY disease. My inner DEMON!
So how did I weaken that and develop an inner cheerleader instead? I trusted God, worked the steps with a sponsor, went to therapy and AA and Alanon and started pouring a lot of energy into SELF care. From that....holy cow! I started gaining self esteem. I started reaching little goals, then bigger ones. I started redefining EVERYTHING that I thought I was. I started congratulating myself. I started striving instead of settling. I started acknowledging my own efforts and I stopped focusing on if I was falling short. Yes, I still have that demon lurking up in my crazy head. But I also have a totally bitchin cheerleader that kicks its butt 95 percent of the time.
This week was hard. My spouse (now in a positive and healthy relationship with a non-A) was away all week. I had all 7 pets. The diabetic, blind, deaf dog got sick and was crapping and vomitting everywhere. I cleaned up all that in dress clothes to go to work and we got SLAMMED with intakes this week. Several of them inappropriate due to being so bad off (stories that would make you guys hurl or cry or both). A new EMR system that we have to work with while still documenting the old clients on the old system. Clients were have emergencies righy and left. I also started getting frantic calls from a client and his family who relapsed less than a week after discharge. Each day that situation is getting uglier and I can't do much to help. The kid won't stop or get help and cannot financially affort to self pay treatment again like he did before. I got a couple of criticisms from upper management and sucked up and dismissed because both of them as they both were damned if you do/don't scenarios. It was all part of my week...just me.
So what's the change? Old me would have flipped and gone nonfunctional just from the spouse going away. Old me would have acted like chicken little the minute things started amping up in stress. Old me would have been frantic, freaking out, doubting myself, crying, wanting attention, soothing and props for all the ways I was being "put upon." Old me would have been crushed by any negative feedback...no matter how silly "after all I do!!" You know the drill...
New me has an inner cheerleader that kept saying "You did the best you could today! That was nuts! Good job!" New me came home every night and exercised, ate right, continued this fitness thing I've been doing and now lost 34 poinds of blubber! Inner cheerleader is doing high kicks and saying "go Mark!" Inner demon is trying to whisper..."The job is so stressful boohoo! Nobody understands! Wahhhh! You failed! You are not gonna hack it!" Inner cheerleader now catches that quick and beats it down with self care and self assurance. I did good.
Inner cheerleader is part me and part Higher Power. This is the biggest change recovery has brought me. Do you have an inner cheerleader? I suggest getting one :)
Jerry F said
Aug 27, 2016
Good on you Pink and mahalo for bringing that back home for me and some in this family it is important to hear that message daily as the "negatives" are part of our disease and always will be waiting in the hallways for the opportunity for relapse. I have no cheerleader and I do have the memory of a kind, caring, loving sponsor whispering in my ear encouragement and affirmation as the recovery continues on. No one loved me like my former and present sponsorship and my Higher Power who often whisper "check in with MIP and see what your family is experiencing today". Yesterday after my morning meeting one of the ladies came to talk recovery stories with me because of shared experiences both within the program and within our culture and that feeling of being blessed that I get when the whispers start came over me. She felt the same and when we parted our recoveries were stronger and more assured.
Go feed your inner cheerleader and leave it a gift with a thank you note from you and the MIP family...it helped us also. ((((hugs))))
pinkchip said
Aug 27, 2016
Jerry...thank you. I think the "cheerleader" is also the voice of my sponsor and the felowship which includes all of you. It is more internalized over time.
I remember being told "Let us love you until you can love yourself." Seemed sappy and though I did hate myself, I didn't voice it publicly that much or inderstand how others caring about me would help. All my relationships before made me worse. Now I get it.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 27th of August 2016 12:17:42 PM
Iamhere said
Aug 27, 2016
Great share pinkchip - I'll have to consider if I do/do not have an inner cheerleader. At times, I am just satisfied that all heck isn't happening each and every day. I'm enjoying my long waited for serenity for now but need to use this inner cheerleader concept for my golf game.....I started last year and boy howdy - a part of me still doesn't like new/challenging/unexplored territory.
Thanks for the great post!
Jerry F said
Aug 27, 2016
And I love you for it.
pinkchip said
Aug 27, 2016
And to make this more specific to alanon. When I was with my ex-A. He needed me to be his cheerleader NONSTOP. I craved attention and validation from him like a drug and he rarely gave it. When he did, I ate is up like a dog getting scraps from the table. It made my esteem worse and then I didnt do anything to care for me, but did the reverse. I self sabotaged and hurt myself. At the end of 7 years with another alcoholic, I had completely lost myself. I didn't even have a self really. I didn't know who I was, what I liked, what I wanted, what was good about me, or what my true talents were. I was washed out and tired at 36.
It saddens me but doesn't surprise me the amount of newbies here with handles including things such as "lost, confused, scared, hopeless, desperate, devastated, and tired." But...I know I felt the same exact way.
milkwood said
Aug 27, 2016
What a lovely, wonderful way of putting it - I love this post of yours and am smiling, along with my cheerleaders, who are as thrilled as I am to be introduced to your inner cheerleader over the airways!!!
I have been very very lucky Mark, because I was raised with a fabulous troop of them. My mother and my godmother in particular - they gifted me with enough warm smiles and acceptance of myself and others to last a lifetime. I did wander onto the wrong playing field for a while but the more I'm doing my next right thing, trusting my instincts, or when I find some stillness and quiet if things are getting a bit chaotic the more those high kicking fun loving angels glow and smile.
Well done on getting through a phenomenal week - the fact that you can take all the credit for it is a lovely bonus. I hope puppy dog is feeling better. I think somebody up there knew it was time to show you what you were capable of!
PS I'm sorry that you had an inner demon who was telling you that you hated yourself way back when. I'm sitting on my bed high kicking that demon out of here! (((((Pinkchip)))))
Mattie said
Aug 27, 2016
Lots to think about here. My inner cheerleader is certainly an old crank who hardly squeezes a word out. I'm so glad yours is more energetic, and mine will take inspiration from that.
LinSC said
Aug 27, 2016
THANK YOU good thoughts and ideas for the day!
milkwood said
Aug 27, 2016
Wow, I relate to your Al Anon take Pinkchip. I did the same, I thought it wasn't appropriate for me to be too happy or lucky in my life and yet I waited at the table for those scraps that never came for years darn it!
Mattie, sending ((((hugs)))) for your cranky old cheer leader
e_i_m said
Aug 27, 2016
This is such a helpful post. Thank you, pinkchip. I'm going to put this into practice as best I can immediately. I have lost myself in relationships time after time and I haven't even had a negative doom-sayer (vs cheerleader) about myself -- my whole focus has always been the other person. What's he doing? What's he thinking? What does he want? How can I make him happy? As I learn to focus on myself, I will celebrate what is great about myself. I'm going to be writing these tips down in my sayings/readings journal.
LinSC said
Aug 27, 2016
Please do tell what your regime was in losing 35 lbs!
pinkchip said
Aug 27, 2016
No carbs and running/working out every single day :)
hotrod said
Aug 27, 2016
Great Post Mark I am so glad I can finally hear my "inner cheer leader' The voice is still small and I have to pause to hear it but it is there. I do believe it is the voice of all my recovery family.
Thanks for being here and part of my recovery.
a4l said
Aug 27, 2016
No carbs? But 35 pounds......*personal dilemma*. Lol.
Well done. And thanks for sharing the washed out at 36 and the loving life in your 40s thread. They both really help me take heart. ((PC))
Hopeful2112 said
Aug 28, 2016
Thank you pinkchip! I've only been a member of Alanon for a few months, yet delved into the program and found it life changing. I never knew that 'others' had that evil inner critic, I would easily say 'I hate myself' and other awful things to myself, now.... And for every day of my life, when I hear that evil no good little voice , I will always think 'that is just my disease talking'
Thank you.......... And bless you! This is a beautiful place and program and it it beginning to make me see how beautiful the world is for the first time in nearly 40 years!! Thank :)
Calm Lady said
Aug 28, 2016
Thank you so much for your inspiring share.
Gosh, what you said about your ex who was an A needing constant cheerleading from you for him, hit me in the face. That is exactly where I am at with AH. Exhausting.
I am using my Al-anon tools to detach.
e_i_m said
Aug 28, 2016
pinkchip wrote:
I remember being told "Let us love you until you can love yourself." Seemed sappy and though I did hate myself, I didn't voice it publicly that much or inderstand how others caring about me would help. All my relationships before made me worse. Now I get it.
I keep re-reading this thread because it's so helpful to me right now. (Getting what I need when I need it in al-anon). I just read this line "all my relationships before made me worse" -- wow. And that you couldn't understand how others caring about you would help. I also have felt like no one else could care about me. And that if people were friendly to me, it was just superficial or that they were trying to get something from me. Lately, I've been taking a different approach and reaching out to people with friendship and accepting people's offers of friendship to me. I'm still spurned sometimes, but I'm making such an effort to be around kind and positive people and to imitate their behavior. Faking it till I make it. I really appreciate this thread pinkchip and responders. It's got so much for me to absorb. Thank you!
el-cee said
Aug 28, 2016
Great awareness, Im not quite there yet in terms of having an inner cheerleader, you see my inner voice is a perfectionist so its difficult to break through the 'I could have done better' voice. Im getting there with the help of my higher power. I recently agreed to do some service work and at the last minute got ill, so I had to cancel. Before I would really have beaten myself up about it and I almost did but then I told myself that there was nothing I could do, I let people know asap and I let it go. Nothing even to forgive myself for, so thats progress. Thanks for the progress, gives me hope. xxx
pinkchip said
Aug 28, 2016
Calm Lady, you know the most maddening thing about being a constant cheerleader to my ex-A?
Despite all of that, his chief and most regular complaint about me was "You don't support me."
OMG - I not only morally supported all the time to the expense of myself, but I financially supported us also! CRAZY!
andromeda said
Aug 28, 2016
Did you write this for me? Just kidding. This was something I needed to read today Mark.
I am too hard on myself. My partner and I were just talking about my inability to handle criticism. He told me I'm one of the most sensitive people he's ever known but he didn't point it out and make fun of me about it, he was just sharing an observation. He knows why I am that way, he knows I'm strong and wishes that strength carried through when people offer criticism to me because he believes criticism is something we can learn from and also teaches us that we're human and that everyone makes mistakes or errors. His perspective is so wise but I can't change overnight. He was musing yesterday that I'm crazy for staying with him because he is the last born child, the one who had to be tough after 4 other siblings beat on him and ridiculed him and teased him, etc. So, he developed a sharp tongue and sarcasm to defend himself. We admitted we were an unlikely couple because he has a super tough outer shell and can handle criticism, sarcasm, etc while I'm a softy on the outside but tough on the inside. LOL, that's kinda funny when I think about it.
To each their own, and it sounds like you're finding a place for yourself Mark. You're not only able to do self care, but you are doing it among the chaos and stress of work and kids (pets), etc. That's awesome!
Calm Lady said
Aug 28, 2016
pinkchip wrote:
Calm Lady, you know the most maddening thing about being a constant cheerleader to my ex-A?
Despite all of that, his chief and most regular complaint about me was "You don't support me."
OMG - I not only morally supported all the time to the expense of myself, but I financially supported us also! CRAZY!
My AH used to say that too!
I am the sick, crazy one for tolerating it for so long. His king baby routine! I don't allow him to bully me with it anymore!
I like what they say about Al-anon that we go there thinking we are well and that someone else is the problem and gradually discover it is us who are sick.
I had no idea how crazy and sick my thinking was.
Glad to be here.
Jill said
Aug 28, 2016
Not typically, I was feeling down and a failure before I read this last night. It was way helpful. The specifics of what you tell yourself. I grasped onto You did the best you could today". It is the last idea I had before sleep, and my first when I woke up. What a difference.
Thanks for everyone's input.
pinkchip said
Aug 28, 2016
Thank you bonnie! I think an ideal couple compliments each other and lets each other grow. Chuck and I have different personalities also and that is a good thing
1911A1 said
Aug 29, 2016
Before, I defined myself by my wounds. Today, I define myself by my recovery. Before, I gave to others out of my own unmet needs. Today, I give to others out of my abundance.
Pink, you shared that it all began to change when you put the focus on self-care, and that's the point where everything began to change for me as well.
What a difference this program makes!
pinkchip said
Aug 29, 2016
1911A1 - "Before, I defined myself by my wounds. Today, I define myself by my recovery. Before, I gave to others out of my own unmet needs. Today, I give to others out of my abundance."
Brilliant and eloquent way of stating it also.
milkwood said
Aug 30, 2016
Thank you for that lovely thought 1911A1, I'm keep that thought with me!
I knew that I had found the right place when I came to these boards and saw at least five other members who had partners who said 'you don't support me.' That was a QTIP moment for me!!!
It dawned on me a few years into recovery that I had no internal voice that looked after me, rooted for me, said nice things to me, validated me, assured me, and cheered me on. I had no inner cheerleader. Rather, I had inner voices telling me I was weak, couldn't make it on my own, didn't deserve good things, was damaged goods, scolded and put down myself and also told me to feel sorry for myself. That was MY disease. My inner DEMON!
So how did I weaken that and develop an inner cheerleader instead? I trusted God, worked the steps with a sponsor, went to therapy and AA and Alanon and started pouring a lot of energy into SELF care. From that....holy cow! I started gaining self esteem. I started reaching little goals, then bigger ones. I started redefining EVERYTHING that I thought I was. I started congratulating myself. I started striving instead of settling. I started acknowledging my own efforts and I stopped focusing on if I was falling short. Yes, I still have that demon lurking up in my crazy head. But I also have a totally bitchin cheerleader that kicks its butt 95 percent of the time.
This week was hard. My spouse (now in a positive and healthy relationship with a non-A) was away all week. I had all 7 pets. The diabetic, blind, deaf dog got sick and was crapping and vomitting everywhere. I cleaned up all that in dress clothes to go to work and we got SLAMMED with intakes this week. Several of them inappropriate due to being so bad off (stories that would make you guys hurl or cry or both). A new EMR system that we have to work with while still documenting the old clients on the old system. Clients were have emergencies righy and left. I also started getting frantic calls from a client and his family who relapsed less than a week after discharge. Each day that situation is getting uglier and I can't do much to help. The kid won't stop or get help and cannot financially affort to self pay treatment again like he did before. I got a couple of criticisms from upper management and sucked up and dismissed because both of them as they both were damned if you do/don't scenarios. It was all part of my week...just me.
So what's the change? Old me would have flipped and gone nonfunctional just from the spouse going away. Old me would have acted like chicken little the minute things started amping up in stress. Old me would have been frantic, freaking out, doubting myself, crying, wanting attention, soothing and props for all the ways I was being "put upon." Old me would have been crushed by any negative feedback...no matter how silly "after all I do!!" You know the drill...
New me has an inner cheerleader that kept saying "You did the best you could today! That was nuts! Good job!" New me came home every night and exercised, ate right, continued this fitness thing I've been doing and now lost 34 poinds of blubber! Inner cheerleader is doing high kicks and saying "go Mark!" Inner demon is trying to whisper..."The job is so stressful boohoo! Nobody understands! Wahhhh! You failed! You are not gonna hack it!" Inner cheerleader now catches that quick and beats it down with self care and self assurance. I did good.
Inner cheerleader is part me and part Higher Power. This is the biggest change recovery has brought me. Do you have an inner cheerleader? I suggest getting one :)
Good on you Pink and mahalo for bringing that back home for me and some in this family it is important to hear that message daily as the "negatives" are part of our disease and always will be waiting in the hallways for the opportunity for relapse. I have no cheerleader and I do have the memory of a kind, caring, loving sponsor whispering in my ear encouragement and affirmation as the recovery continues on. No one loved me like my former and present sponsorship and my Higher Power who often whisper "check in with MIP and see what your family is experiencing today". Yesterday after my morning meeting one of the ladies came to talk recovery stories with me because of shared experiences both within the program and within our culture and that feeling of being blessed that I get when the whispers start came over me. She felt the same and when we parted our recoveries were stronger and more assured.
Go feed your inner cheerleader and leave it a gift with a thank you note from you and the MIP family...it helped us also. ((((hugs))))
Jerry...thank you. I think the "cheerleader" is also the voice of my sponsor and the felowship which includes all of you. It is more internalized over time.
I remember being told "Let us love you until you can love yourself." Seemed sappy and though I did hate myself, I didn't voice it publicly that much or inderstand how others caring about me would help. All my relationships before made me worse. Now I get it.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 27th of August 2016 12:17:42 PM
Thanks for the great post!
And I love you for it.
It saddens me but doesn't surprise me the amount of newbies here with handles including things such as "lost, confused, scared, hopeless, desperate, devastated, and tired." But...I know I felt the same exact way.
What a lovely, wonderful way of putting it - I love this post of yours and am smiling, along with my cheerleaders, who are as thrilled as I am to be introduced to your inner cheerleader over the airways!!!
I have been very very lucky Mark, because I was raised with a fabulous troop of them. My mother and my godmother in particular - they gifted me with enough warm smiles and acceptance of myself and others to last a lifetime. I did wander onto the wrong playing field for a while but the more I'm doing my next right thing, trusting my instincts, or when I find some stillness and quiet if things are getting a bit chaotic the more those high kicking fun loving angels glow and smile.
Well done on getting through a phenomenal week - the fact that you can take all the credit for it is a lovely bonus. I hope puppy dog is feeling better. I think somebody up there knew it was time to show you what you were capable of!
PS I'm sorry that you had an inner demon who was telling you that you hated yourself way back when. I'm sitting on my bed high kicking that demon out of here! (((((Pinkchip)))))
Lots to think about here. My inner cheerleader is certainly an old crank who hardly squeezes a word out. I'm so glad yours is more energetic, and mine will take inspiration from that.
THANK YOU good thoughts and ideas for the day!
Mattie, sending ((((hugs)))) for your cranky old cheer leader
This is such a helpful post. Thank you, pinkchip. I'm going to put this into practice as best I can immediately. I have lost myself in relationships time after time and I haven't even had a negative doom-sayer (vs cheerleader) about myself -- my whole focus has always been the other person. What's he doing? What's he thinking? What does he want? How can I make him happy? As I learn to focus on myself, I will celebrate what is great about myself. I'm going to be writing these tips down in my sayings/readings journal.
Please do tell what your regime was in losing 35 lbs!
Thanks for being here and part of my recovery.
Gosh, what you said about your ex who was an A needing constant cheerleading from you for him, hit me in the face. That is exactly where I am at with AH. Exhausting.
I am using my Al-anon tools to detach.
I keep re-reading this thread because it's so helpful to me right now. (Getting what I need when I need it in al-anon). I just read this line "all my relationships before made me worse" -- wow. And that you couldn't understand how others caring about you would help. I also have felt like no one else could care about me. And that if people were friendly to me, it was just superficial or that they were trying to get something from me. Lately, I've been taking a different approach and reaching out to people with friendship and accepting people's offers of friendship to me. I'm still spurned sometimes, but I'm making such an effort to be around kind and positive people and to imitate their behavior. Faking it till I make it. I really appreciate this thread pinkchip and responders. It's got so much for me to absorb. Thank you!
Great awareness, Im not quite there yet in terms of having an inner cheerleader, you see my inner voice is a perfectionist so its difficult to break through the 'I could have done better' voice. Im getting there with the help of my higher power. I recently agreed to do some service work and at the last minute got ill, so I had to cancel. Before I would really have beaten myself up about it and I almost did but then I told myself that there was nothing I could do, I let people know asap and I let it go. Nothing even to forgive myself for, so thats progress. Thanks for the progress, gives me hope. xxx
Despite all of that, his chief and most regular complaint about me was "You don't support me."
OMG - I not only morally supported all the time to the expense of myself, but I financially supported us also! CRAZY!
I am too hard on myself. My partner and I were just talking about my inability to handle criticism. He told me I'm one of the most sensitive people he's ever known but he didn't point it out and make fun of me about it, he was just sharing an observation. He knows why I am that way, he knows I'm strong and wishes that strength carried through when people offer criticism to me because he believes criticism is something we can learn from and also teaches us that we're human and that everyone makes mistakes or errors. His perspective is so wise but I can't change overnight. He was musing yesterday that I'm crazy for staying with him because he is the last born child, the one who had to be tough after 4 other siblings beat on him and ridiculed him and teased him, etc. So, he developed a sharp tongue and sarcasm to defend himself. We admitted we were an unlikely couple because he has a super tough outer shell and can handle criticism, sarcasm, etc while I'm a softy on the outside but tough on the inside. LOL, that's kinda funny when I think about it.
To each their own, and it sounds like you're finding a place for yourself Mark. You're not only able to do self care, but you are doing it among the chaos and stress of work and kids (pets), etc. That's awesome!
My AH used to say that too!
I am the sick, crazy one for tolerating it for so long. His king baby routine! I don't allow him to bully me with it anymore!
I like what they say about Al-anon that we go there thinking we are well and that someone else is the problem and gradually discover it is us who are sick.
I had no idea how crazy and sick my thinking was.
Glad to be here.
Thanks for everyone's input.
Pink, you shared that it all began to change when you put the focus on self-care, and that's the point where everything began to change for me as well.
What a difference this program makes!
Brilliant and eloquent way of stating it also.
I knew that I had found the right place when I came to these boards and saw at least five other members who had partners who said 'you don't support me.' That was a QTIP moment for me!!!
Thank you for a great thread Pinkchip.