I am new. I have not started attending meetings yet but have found one in my town that I want to try. I just want to introduce myself. Long story short, I was married to a guy named Alan in 1999. He had a history of alcoholism and went through periods of severe drinking when we were married. He sobered up at my insistence and we had kids. Turns out he didn't really sober up, he was drinking in secret for years. He stopped working so I had a lot of pressure on me to keep everything together. I filed for divorce because he wouldn't be a partner to me. My son has very bad epilepsy and needed to have two different brain surgeries. Last summer, Alan had a bad seizure in my son's PICU room after my son's brain surgery. At first he blamed it on a medication he was taking but he was taken to a detox place where he spent the week getting librium, I think it is called. Anyway, he got out and did outpatient rehab. He was acting really crazy, saying strange things. I increased help at home with the kids so he wouldn't be alone with them. Then he was arrested for child pornography, something in a million years I can't see him doing. His sister thinks his brain has been damaged from the alcohol. He spent time in inpatient rehab, but he would get out and drink and act crazy. He would wander his apartment building naked. That sort of thing. This is a guy who used to work in DC as a communications executive, now he is acting like this. So his sister says he is at risk of acute liver failure. I am waiting for the court case to settle before proceeding with visitation, which he does not have. Whenever I speak to him, he is belligerent and stubborn that he is innocent and downplays the impact of alcohol on me and the kids. My eight year old tells me stories about him drinking with her in the car, hiding the liquor, not telling Mommy he had alcohol, etc.
I am really struggling with a lot of this, obviously. It feels good to get it off my chest. I hope someone can educate me about his health problems. He had a swollen abdomen, itchy hands and feet, coughing stuff up every morning, some spots on his body, shaky hands at times...all of these things I am told are signs on bad liver. Also he had liver levels taken and they were very bad according to his doctor. Supposed to be 20-50 and his were 2000, went down to 500 but that's still not good. I know I am supposed to focus more on me but thought it would be helpful to have context on my situation. Just trying to understand all this.
Thank you,
Danielle
hotrod said
Aug 26, 2016
Welcome Danielle, I am please that you have reached out here and are planning to attend alanon meetings. Alcoholism is a progressive , chronic fatal disease that can be arrested but no cured, We who live with the insanity of the disease develop manyy negative coping tools that help us cope with the insanity of the disease. We often find these tools inadequate and that is when we reach out for additonal support.
Alanon is the recovery progrm for family members and it is here I learned how to let go of the fear and worry about the alcoholic and take good care of myself Here i was told that I was pwoerless over alcoholism and that I needed to focus on myself.
i cannot answer your quesions rgarding liver disease but am sending positive thoughgt out to you
DanielleB said
Aug 26, 2016
Hi Betty,
Thanks so much for the warm welcome. Boy, did you ever hit the nail on the head. I sure have developed negative coping skills to deal with the insanity of the disease. I suppose I am only starting to process everything. I guess I can't do anything for him now health-wise, and should focus on myself and the kids. I think this is difficult because living with him, his denials and lies, has done a number on my self-image. I didn't realize this until I started therapy and my therapist pointed it out. He also recommended Alanon.
Thanks again.
Danielle
Jill said
Aug 26, 2016
Hi Danielle welcome
You're not alone. Yes I know about maladaptive coping techniques. When they didn't work, I tried harder (with useless techniques). Tried really hard.
It was in AlAnon I was able to make small changes, and I slowly inched out of the quagmire. Slowly.
Keep coming back. Read what others have shown about their own experience, listen during meetings, and you will get a new perspective. You will find yourself again.
Iamhere said
Aug 26, 2016
Welcome to MIP Danielle - glad you found us and glad you shared. So sorry for the disease affects for you and yours - it's a devastating disease that reaches far and wide - including those of us who love/live with an alcoholic. I also have no experience directly with liver disease but had an uncle who could not get sober and he did die from cirrhosis of the liver. I have a friend who's brother did get sober, and his liver was able to recover - after being told he would need a transplant. He died sober almost 8 years, from cancer.
That paints the picture for me of baffling, and I came to Al-Anon crazier than or equally crazy as my qualifier. I had spent a ton of time trying to fix, change, control, cure the disease and felt like such a failure and so defeated. My self-esteem and self-worth were tanked and I truly felt helpless and hopeless. I went to Al-Anon for help with my qualifier's drinking - not to work on me. I was not satisfied with my first meeting, so got even more beat down before I went again. The second time, it was a different group and I felt at home almost immediately. I continue to go there and have found great comfort in knowing I am not alone and tons of support. So - you are taking steps in the right direction - a great start.
I agree with Jill above me - keeping an open mind and being willing to practice the principles of Al-Anon truly helped me change, which gave me enough peace to keep going. I still grow each day and work my program as best I can daily - otherwise, I get distracted and start focusing on others again.
Keep coming back and know that there is help and hope. Glad you're here!
Hi,
I am new. I have not started attending meetings yet but have found one in my town that I want to try. I just want to introduce myself. Long story short, I was married to a guy named Alan in 1999. He had a history of alcoholism and went through periods of severe drinking when we were married. He sobered up at my insistence and we had kids. Turns out he didn't really sober up, he was drinking in secret for years. He stopped working so I had a lot of pressure on me to keep everything together. I filed for divorce because he wouldn't be a partner to me. My son has very bad epilepsy and needed to have two different brain surgeries. Last summer, Alan had a bad seizure in my son's PICU room after my son's brain surgery. At first he blamed it on a medication he was taking but he was taken to a detox place where he spent the week getting librium, I think it is called. Anyway, he got out and did outpatient rehab. He was acting really crazy, saying strange things. I increased help at home with the kids so he wouldn't be alone with them. Then he was arrested for child pornography, something in a million years I can't see him doing. His sister thinks his brain has been damaged from the alcohol. He spent time in inpatient rehab, but he would get out and drink and act crazy. He would wander his apartment building naked. That sort of thing. This is a guy who used to work in DC as a communications executive, now he is acting like this. So his sister says he is at risk of acute liver failure. I am waiting for the court case to settle before proceeding with visitation, which he does not have. Whenever I speak to him, he is belligerent and stubborn that he is innocent and downplays the impact of alcohol on me and the kids. My eight year old tells me stories about him drinking with her in the car, hiding the liquor, not telling Mommy he had alcohol, etc.
I am really struggling with a lot of this, obviously. It feels good to get it off my chest. I hope someone can educate me about his health problems. He had a swollen abdomen, itchy hands and feet, coughing stuff up every morning, some spots on his body, shaky hands at times...all of these things I am told are signs on bad liver. Also he had liver levels taken and they were very bad according to his doctor. Supposed to be 20-50 and his were 2000, went down to 500 but that's still not good. I know I am supposed to focus more on me but thought it would be helpful to have context on my situation. Just trying to understand all this.
Thank you,
Danielle
Welcome Danielle, I am please that you have reached out here and are planning to attend alanon meetings. Alcoholism is a progressive , chronic fatal disease that can be arrested but no cured, We who live with the insanity of the disease develop manyy negative coping tools that help us cope with the insanity of the disease. We often find these tools inadequate and that is when we reach out for additonal support.
Alanon is the recovery progrm for family members and it is here I learned how to let go of the fear and worry about the alcoholic and take good care of myself Here i was told that I was pwoerless over alcoholism and that I needed to focus on myself.
i cannot answer your quesions rgarding liver disease but am sending positive thoughgt out to you
Thanks so much for the warm welcome. Boy, did you ever hit the nail on the head. I sure have developed negative coping skills to deal with the insanity of the disease. I suppose I am only starting to process everything. I guess I can't do anything for him now health-wise, and should focus on myself and the kids. I think this is difficult because living with him, his denials and lies, has done a number on my self-image. I didn't realize this until I started therapy and my therapist pointed it out. He also recommended Alanon.
Thanks again.
Danielle
You're not alone. Yes I know about maladaptive coping techniques. When they didn't work, I tried harder (with useless techniques). Tried really hard.
It was in AlAnon I was able to make small changes, and I slowly inched out of the quagmire. Slowly.
Keep coming back. Read what others have shown about their own experience, listen during meetings, and you will get a new perspective. You will find yourself again.
That paints the picture for me of baffling, and I came to Al-Anon crazier than or equally crazy as my qualifier. I had spent a ton of time trying to fix, change, control, cure the disease and felt like such a failure and so defeated. My self-esteem and self-worth were tanked and I truly felt helpless and hopeless. I went to Al-Anon for help with my qualifier's drinking - not to work on me. I was not satisfied with my first meeting, so got even more beat down before I went again. The second time, it was a different group and I felt at home almost immediately. I continue to go there and have found great comfort in knowing I am not alone and tons of support. So - you are taking steps in the right direction - a great start.
I agree with Jill above me - keeping an open mind and being willing to practice the principles of Al-Anon truly helped me change, which gave me enough peace to keep going. I still grow each day and work my program as best I can daily - otherwise, I get distracted and start focusing on others again.
Keep coming back and know that there is help and hope. Glad you're here!