Hello. This is my first post to this board so please bear with me if I make a mistake or ramble too much. I have been married to my alcoholic husband for 14 years and a total together of 18 years. We have 3 boys ages 13,9, and 3. His drinking progressively became out of control over the last 3 years, coming to a head this on May 27 this year. While he has never been physically abusive he has been aggressive when drinking and the emotional and mental abuse has been awful. Cheating, lying, just up and leaving and not telling anyone he was going anywhere etc. He was up to drinking a 30 pack a day, sleeping maybe 2 hours a night. He would go to bed around 2 am or so and get up at 4 am to go work a 12 hour shift and return home with beer in hand and repeat. On May 27, I finally had enough of the lies, cheating and drinking and told him to leave. He had been drinking all night and this was about 10 am. A huge argument began. My 9 year old was not home but my 13 and 3 year old were. I put my 3 year old in the car and was trying to get my 13 year old in the car so we could leave. My husband caught my drivers side door before I could close it. In fear that my husband may hurt me, my 13 year stayed near us to try to protect me from his father. It even came to a point that he pulled a knife on his dad to get him away from me. Upset, my 13 year old ran in the house. I was able to get my door closed and locked. My husband realized this and walked away again from the car to the garage. I realized he was looking for something to bust my window with. I took the opportunity to get out there with my 3 year old. I absolutely HATED leaving my 13 year. I went down the road and called my 13 year old to run down the road so I could pick him up. As he is headed out of the house while on the phone with me he says, Oh my God mom he has a gun! Just get away from here! He saw my husband loading the gun and my husband told him "tell your mom I am coming for her." My son ran to a neighbors house and called 911. My husband caught up with me while trying to leave the neighborhood and was following within inches of my car. He ended up rear ending me with my 3 year old inside. Realizing I was going to call 911 and that he had a loaded gun in his vehicle, he sped off. An officer already on the way for the 911 call my son made, passed him going 80 mph. Realizing the officer say him, the officer said he gunned it and took off. He attempted to turn left across and intersection and hit a cement utility pole. He was life flighted due to a broken femur bone, ankle, wrist, ribs and collapsed lung. The officers recovered the gun that had fallen in the floor board. Several open containers in the front of the vehicle and small ice chest full in the floor board. I have an Emergency Protective Order in place until the end of September. He is facing some very serious charges needless to say.
Now after the fact, he says he knew he hit rock bottom the moment he hit that pole. He has not drank since that day BUT he is still in a wheelchair although he can drive himself to a store and has so he has had the opportunity to drink. He also has not worked since that day and will not return for atleast another 10 weeks so I have not been able to see how he reacts to the being under the stress of the real world again. He did 10 days of partial hospitalization rehab, currently sees a psychiatrist and a therapist. I can say I see a change but still fear his potential for relapse.
So my question and constant thoughts running through my head is, can a person honestly change from this? Am I stupid for even considering reconciling after a horrible experience like this? Do I recognize that he was not in his right mind when he did all of this? ALL I have ever wanted was for him to get sober and get help which he is doing but its only been 3 months. He is hoping to come home when the protective order is up. A huge part of me feels that idk if I can get passed this but then I have the 2 younger kids crying for their dad to come home and I am still financially dependent on him. While I work full time from home I still do not make much and have another year of school before completing my teaching degree in May 2017. I cannot take care of my children financially on my own and do not have family to help.
Please someone with experience with all of this talk some sense into me. I have friends that can tell me all day long what they would do but until someone is walking in your shoes they really have no idea what they would do. I'm hurting for my children and myself, confused, and just need some support and guidance from others who can relate.
Thank you in advance for reading my long post and any for any thing you have to offer in response.
Mattie said
Aug 26, 2016
I am so sorry this has happened. It is so painful and chaotic and confusing, I know.
In Al-Anon we are not supposed to give advice (just Experience, Strength and Hope) unless there is physical danger. Which there has been in your case. So I am going to lay things out from my experience and observation of alcoholics, violence, and chaotic behavior.
From what you say, there are three main worries. One is whether he will or could be violent again. One is that your younger two kids are confused and clamoring for their father. A third is that you have financial stresses and worry about trying to make it on your own without his financial support.
The first thing is that I hope you can find a good face-to-face meeting. This is a situation in which you need lots of support, because I know it is all confusing and horrible. And these things aren't solved in a day, and it will help a lot to have the tools to make helpful decisions and to navigate the chaos. Plus the support is invaluable. Many meetings have childcare. Your oldest son might benefit from Alateen too. Try a number of meetings because they are all different.
As to whether your husband can turn around from this behavior - time alone can tell. The statistics are that 15-25% of those who enter formal programs of recovery stick with it and achieve longterm sobriety. (That doesn't mean that they aren't physical abusers, necessarily - that is another factor to consider. But it would lessen the chances, though not eliminate them.) I'm not clear on if he is working AA or another formal recovery program. The people who "go it alone" and "can do it now because they see the problem" have a vanishingly small success rate.
But say he is working a program, will this mean he can turn it around and become a loving, healthy, non-dangerous husband? My thought there is that there is no hurry. You need to be sure that he can be before going back to him. And it will take 1-2 years, possibly more, before it is clearer. The only safe way to navigate this is to wait that long or longer, until you have seen in many ways that he is serious about recovery and sticking to it. Promises, sadly, mean almost nothing - they mean those promises - but unless they have the tools and formal support, they will not be able to stick with it.
Your younger two don't really understand the situation. The situation is that your husband almost killed you. Children indulge in magical thinking where they can just think away the problem and they think it will go away. That's the only way they know how to analyze a problem. But you and your 13-year-old know better. And think of the terror of your 13-year-old if you should go back. Just thinking of his terror when he saw that your husband had a gun and was out to murder you. Think of him knowing that his mom was about to die, and that his dad was capable of that. Think of his terrible position if your husband had succeeded. Who would take your kids? Your husband would be charged with murder. He would be in prison for many years. Would your son ever get over it? His guilt at not having saved you (even if he couldn't possibly have), his rage at his father, the horrible dissolution of his home. Your younger two kids would maybe not have the guilt, but all the safety they knew would vanish in an instant. That is the reality. If you go back to your husband now, I think your 13-year-old will be eaten up with fear and anger and horror. He needs therapy and a lot of support to process what has happened already. I hope you will not let him think that this kind of behavior is normal and something to be overlooked. I wouldn't want him numb to this, or thinking this is the way powerful men treat women, or that his mother did not love him enough to get him away from a potential murderer.
If your husband has the money to support his family, a lawyer can advise you on how to make sure you and your children are supported. Your local domestic violence shelter should have experience with lawyers who are good at this field.
Remember that just because your husband is injured and repentent now, it does not mean that he will never have this impulse again. You now know what it looks like when he's been angry and drinking. Do not allow yourself to be alone with him, or even with a friend there. Get a police escort if you somehow have to go back to the house (which I hope you won't). Many women have been killed at just this juncture, by men they thought wouldn't try to hurt them again. You are valuable to your precious children and to the world. Please get the support and help you deserve. I hope you will keep coming back.
Jerry F said
Aug 26, 2016
Mattie states it honestly...we do not give advise...for reason and we do offer Experience Strength and Hope...ESH so here is mine from only a small part of my recovery life which includes being a alcoholism/drug addiction therapist. Alcoholism is a fatal disease and we don't get to choose when the fatal happens if it ever does. Trying to second guess this disease is Russian roulette and I have witnessed more than my share of the fatalities caused by it to the drinker and non-drinker each. I have witnessed the very innocent infant die as well as the wife attempting to escape the killing only to be killed by the police sent to protect her from a violent alcoholic husband,
One of the symptoms of alcoholism is insanity...the loss of the ability to maintain a continuous and orderly process of thought. We know that thought and behaviors are directly linked and based on that my experience is "it hasn't happened to YOU yet. Do all that is necessary to protect your life and the lives of those dependent upon your physical, mental and emotional well being." Keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
Iamhere said
Aug 26, 2016
abc3163 - welcome to MIP - sorry for the circumstances that helped you find us, but that to me is a small miracle of realizing the insanity of the disease. Alcoholism is a progressive, baffling disease and it is never cured, only arrested one day at a time. Most who find success have a recovery program and work it each day. AA is for alcoholics, Al-Anon is for us - family and friends of alcoholics. Almost everyone in the family is affected by the disease in some way - some more than others.
I too am a double-winner. I'll not bore you with the crazy details of my active state, but rest assured I ended up in a ton of trouble with the law. I've been sober a long while, one day at a time. Recovery is available no matter how far down the scale one goes. It's a process and often relapse is a part of recovery. He may/may not get sober and maintain sobriety - the only one who knows that answer is God. Projecting failure or success based on statistics or the story of others will only set you up for disappointment.
You have every right to your fears, feelings, anger, etc. We all do; it's what you do to get through those that will matter most of all for you and your children. If you have any doubts, don't. I am quite certain you can extend the EPO based on his history of substance abuse. So, if you need more time to heal/deal, take it. Sobriety is a life-long effort, just as Al-Anon is for us. When we step away from the program, we return to our obsessing, controlling, judging ways. When they step away from the program, they relapse. Relapse doesn't always mean forever. Recovery doesn't mean there will be sunshine and roses.
There is no true way to know what he will/will not do but you can use this time to regain your own self-worth, self-esteem, learn about the disease, focus on your/your children's recovery and just get your head straight to make the best decisions for your circumstance.
I have two children (boys) and an alcoholic husband. We met and married in AA, and both had years of sobriety when we got together. We married, got pregnant, had one child, rinse and repeat. At some point between the birth of our sons, he relapse. That's been 22-24 years ago, and he never returned to AA. However, for a variety of reasons and through recovery, we've stayed married, and our marriage is good. It's not perfect, but nobody and no marriage is, but it's good. I had to allow him to be him, imperfect at times and allow me to be me, also imperfect at times. He has health issues, so has slowed way down but I don't track it, look for it, care about it - so long as it's not affecting me. And it doesn't.
Who knows if staying was right/wrong - I'm satisfied with my choice and my boys got to grow up with their father. Was he a good father? Not really but they've learned how not to be. They and I love him, in spite of his disease - no need to resent someone who is sick. This helped me a ton - it's a disease, no different than cancer or diabetes. One either treats their disease or they do not. What I've learned is it's not my job/role to judge another, no matter what they are/are not doing.
Please search out local Al-Anon meetings and begin to understand the insanity of this disease. Just for today, you don't have to decide anything but getting support for you and your children. Keep coming back here - you are not alone. There is always hope and help!
milkwood said
Aug 26, 2016
Hello abc3163, Welcome to MIP, I am sorry for what has brought you here, but I'm thankful that you found us.
I can not begin to imagine how frightening your experience has been for you all. I like Mattie's reminder that we can take our time, and from what you have described I think it is reasonable to pause and let some time pass whilst you keep yourself and your children safe. In my experience the amount of time required was longer than I expected! My husband stopped drinking three years ago this September. The first two years of his sobriety were difficult and unpredictable. This third year has been better although still a bit crazy from time to time!
Your husband may object to you taking the time you need to feel safe again because his disease is more than used to having its own way, but deep down he may well understand and respect you for protecting yourself and your children from this disease for a while. It is a fearful time for you all. Alcohol messes with people's minds - I know that it does, and I know that it takes time for the mind to recover - ours as well as the alcoholics. But we can recover and we do have choices. We really do!
Keep reaching out, try Alanon meetings in your area if you can. it is absolutely ok to ask for help, and to talk through your thoughts out loud. I find that doing that helps me to start seeing the right path amidst the crazy making stuff. ((((Hugs)))))
Aubrey L said
Aug 27, 2016
Most of all, you need to do what you must do to keep yourself safe. You must take care of yourself, as the writer above said. Say your prayers, seek guidance from your Higher Power and you will know what to do. Again, the advice to attend Al-Anon meetings is exactly right. Find one in your community and go. You will find help in comfort in the presence of those who have bee through this before. Get some rest, too. That will help.
stillhangingon said
Aug 27, 2016
Hugs 3613. I am so sorry your marriage has come to this. We didn't cause it, we can't control it, we can't cure it. Words of wisdom from alanon. I'm divorced now from an alcoholic I was married to for 20 years. My "soul mate." closet drinker. When it got bad and I discovered what was wrong, I was in shock and he was very, very sick. I stuck it out separated but supportive for two years. He lied about continuing to drink, cheated on me, while sponsoring many in AA. In alanon I learned how to take care of myself and to have compassion but to have my eyes opened. You have yourself and your kids to keep out of his way. He has a disease of the mind, body and spirit and it is dangerous. Once he does get in a program, it still takes a long time and a lot of work to stop the progression of this disease. You are going to have to make some important decisions and you will learn a lot about how to from the steps and face to face meetings. You are definitely not alone. It's an old story we're in, but you will be amazed at what God can do for you and your children to protect you and grow you through this. We're all here for you.
hotrod said
Aug 27, 2016
Welcome abc Yes there is hope and many alcoholics find recovery in AA. Please do search out alanon face to face meetings and attend.
You deserve the support that you will find there.
Positive thoughts and prayers on the way.
abc3612 said
Sep 2, 2016
Thank you all so much for your replies. No matter how many people say they are here for me, I feel pretty alone in all of this. Another question I have is, when and if I do decide to reconcile with my husband what experience have other had with family members and friends being completely against it? I have a brother who will probably not speak to me again. My nest friend of 20 plus years was told by her husband to stay away from me and that felt like a knife in the heart. I am also concerned about parents of my children's friends shunning my kids and not allowing their kids around mine. I completely understand the stance anyone would take but I just don't know what to expect and how to deal with this. Feedback is appreciated. Thanks again.
geems said
Sep 2, 2016
We all lied to ourselves about being alone. It's part of how we over inflated our importance in the A's life. We all were concerned about what others would think or feel as opposed to what was right for us. We learned to be that way at some point to cover the truth and adopted it as an alternative to sanity. We weren't thinking straight before recovery. You can expect to find yourself again at alanon... if that's what you want. Peace friend.
Iamhere said
Sep 2, 2016
abc3612 - my experience is that I learned to stop talking about my personal pain and agony to people who did not understand this disease (friends & family). Instead, I heavily relied on the people I met in the program who understood and never judged me/them and only offered loving support, experience, strength and hope.
It's so easy to be outside of a relationship, hear the horror of it all from one party and give advice. I've learned in the program that there are 2 sides to every story, God doesn't have/play favorites and I am one among many and nobody tatoo'd "judge" on my head. The program has taught me how to listen, how to support and how to avoid judgment for all others. I don't know anyone in recovery, AA or Al-Anon, who woke up and said, "Gee - I think today I will screw up my life and the lives of all around me who love me."
Most of my family that were against my decisions about my marriage have come around. They are not best buddies with my A, but they are respectful and cordial. Some of my friends who were against my decisions about my marriage stayed away. In retrospect, they were not the type of friends I needed for my new way of living. I prefer 'winners' - those who are trying to be imperfect and equal in an imperfect world. I no longer have room in my life for drama-seeking, self-serving, selfish judgmental friends who believe they are better than or worse than others.
So - work on you, work on your recovery, your esteem, your worth and do not concern yourself with others. When I stopped talking about my scenario to those who didn't understand, amazingly things got quiet quickly. (((Hugs)))
Jerry F said
Sep 2, 2016
I like the responses you have received from the old timers who have been around for a while cause that is what worked for me. My elder sponsor consoled me years ago to "separate myself from all things alcohol" which included my family, her family and all friends outside of the program.
Earlier in program we used to read the definition of alcoholism which included understanding about the family which stated, "we are as affected as they are in that we have learned to act and react in much the same way as the alcoholic..." Alcoholism affects everyone it comes into contact with and you are seeing the outcome of that...learning to feel compassion and empathy for everyone affected helped me out and building relationships with "brothers and sisters" in recovery has given me a new and larger family...you are one of the relatives.
Getting negative feedback from others who do not understand is expected along with the understanding that I "do not have to react to it"....Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
Hello. This is my first post to this board so please bear with me if I make a mistake or ramble too much. I have been married to my alcoholic husband for 14 years and a total together of 18 years. We have 3 boys ages 13,9, and 3. His drinking progressively became out of control over the last 3 years, coming to a head this on May 27 this year. While he has never been physically abusive he has been aggressive when drinking and the emotional and mental abuse has been awful. Cheating, lying, just up and leaving and not telling anyone he was going anywhere etc. He was up to drinking a 30 pack a day, sleeping maybe 2 hours a night. He would go to bed around 2 am or so and get up at 4 am to go work a 12 hour shift and return home with beer in hand and repeat. On May 27, I finally had enough of the lies, cheating and drinking and told him to leave. He had been drinking all night and this was about 10 am. A huge argument began. My 9 year old was not home but my 13 and 3 year old were. I put my 3 year old in the car and was trying to get my 13 year old in the car so we could leave. My husband caught my drivers side door before I could close it. In fear that my husband may hurt me, my 13 year stayed near us to try to protect me from his father. It even came to a point that he pulled a knife on his dad to get him away from me. Upset, my 13 year old ran in the house. I was able to get my door closed and locked. My husband realized this and walked away again from the car to the garage. I realized he was looking for something to bust my window with. I took the opportunity to get out there with my 3 year old. I absolutely HATED leaving my 13 year. I went down the road and called my 13 year old to run down the road so I could pick him up. As he is headed out of the house while on the phone with me he says, Oh my God mom he has a gun! Just get away from here! He saw my husband loading the gun and my husband told him "tell your mom I am coming for her." My son ran to a neighbors house and called 911. My husband caught up with me while trying to leave the neighborhood and was following within inches of my car. He ended up rear ending me with my 3 year old inside. Realizing I was going to call 911 and that he had a loaded gun in his vehicle, he sped off. An officer already on the way for the 911 call my son made, passed him going 80 mph. Realizing the officer say him, the officer said he gunned it and took off. He attempted to turn left across and intersection and hit a cement utility pole. He was life flighted due to a broken femur bone, ankle, wrist, ribs and collapsed lung. The officers recovered the gun that had fallen in the floor board. Several open containers in the front of the vehicle and small ice chest full in the floor board. I have an Emergency Protective Order in place until the end of September. He is facing some very serious charges needless to say.
Now after the fact, he says he knew he hit rock bottom the moment he hit that pole. He has not drank since that day BUT he is still in a wheelchair although he can drive himself to a store and has so he has had the opportunity to drink. He also has not worked since that day and will not return for atleast another 10 weeks so I have not been able to see how he reacts to the being under the stress of the real world again. He did 10 days of partial hospitalization rehab, currently sees a psychiatrist and a therapist. I can say I see a change but still fear his potential for relapse.
So my question and constant thoughts running through my head is, can a person honestly change from this? Am I stupid for even considering reconciling after a horrible experience like this? Do I recognize that he was not in his right mind when he did all of this? ALL I have ever wanted was for him to get sober and get help which he is doing but its only been 3 months. He is hoping to come home when the protective order is up. A huge part of me feels that idk if I can get passed this but then I have the 2 younger kids crying for their dad to come home and I am still financially dependent on him. While I work full time from home I still do not make much and have another year of school before completing my teaching degree in May 2017. I cannot take care of my children financially on my own and do not have family to help.
Please someone with experience with all of this talk some sense into me. I have friends that can tell me all day long what they would do but until someone is walking in your shoes they really have no idea what they would do. I'm hurting for my children and myself, confused, and just need some support and guidance from others who can relate.
Thank you in advance for reading my long post and any for any thing you have to offer in response.
I am so sorry this has happened. It is so painful and chaotic and confusing, I know.
In Al-Anon we are not supposed to give advice (just Experience, Strength and Hope) unless there is physical danger. Which there has been in your case. So I am going to lay things out from my experience and observation of alcoholics, violence, and chaotic behavior.
From what you say, there are three main worries. One is whether he will or could be violent again. One is that your younger two kids are confused and clamoring for their father. A third is that you have financial stresses and worry about trying to make it on your own without his financial support.
The first thing is that I hope you can find a good face-to-face meeting. This is a situation in which you need lots of support, because I know it is all confusing and horrible. And these things aren't solved in a day, and it will help a lot to have the tools to make helpful decisions and to navigate the chaos. Plus the support is invaluable. Many meetings have childcare. Your oldest son might benefit from Alateen too. Try a number of meetings because they are all different.
As to whether your husband can turn around from this behavior - time alone can tell. The statistics are that 15-25% of those who enter formal programs of recovery stick with it and achieve longterm sobriety. (That doesn't mean that they aren't physical abusers, necessarily - that is another factor to consider. But it would lessen the chances, though not eliminate them.) I'm not clear on if he is working AA or another formal recovery program. The people who "go it alone" and "can do it now because they see the problem" have a vanishingly small success rate.
But say he is working a program, will this mean he can turn it around and become a loving, healthy, non-dangerous husband? My thought there is that there is no hurry. You need to be sure that he can be before going back to him. And it will take 1-2 years, possibly more, before it is clearer. The only safe way to navigate this is to wait that long or longer, until you have seen in many ways that he is serious about recovery and sticking to it. Promises, sadly, mean almost nothing - they mean those promises - but unless they have the tools and formal support, they will not be able to stick with it.
Your younger two don't really understand the situation. The situation is that your husband almost killed you. Children indulge in magical thinking where they can just think away the problem and they think it will go away. That's the only way they know how to analyze a problem. But you and your 13-year-old know better. And think of the terror of your 13-year-old if you should go back. Just thinking of his terror when he saw that your husband had a gun and was out to murder you. Think of him knowing that his mom was about to die, and that his dad was capable of that. Think of his terrible position if your husband had succeeded. Who would take your kids? Your husband would be charged with murder. He would be in prison for many years. Would your son ever get over it? His guilt at not having saved you (even if he couldn't possibly have), his rage at his father, the horrible dissolution of his home. Your younger two kids would maybe not have the guilt, but all the safety they knew would vanish in an instant. That is the reality. If you go back to your husband now, I think your 13-year-old will be eaten up with fear and anger and horror. He needs therapy and a lot of support to process what has happened already. I hope you will not let him think that this kind of behavior is normal and something to be overlooked. I wouldn't want him numb to this, or thinking this is the way powerful men treat women, or that his mother did not love him enough to get him away from a potential murderer.
If your husband has the money to support his family, a lawyer can advise you on how to make sure you and your children are supported. Your local domestic violence shelter should have experience with lawyers who are good at this field.
Remember that just because your husband is injured and repentent now, it does not mean that he will never have this impulse again. You now know what it looks like when he's been angry and drinking. Do not allow yourself to be alone with him, or even with a friend there. Get a police escort if you somehow have to go back to the house (which I hope you won't). Many women have been killed at just this juncture, by men they thought wouldn't try to hurt them again. You are valuable to your precious children and to the world. Please get the support and help you deserve. I hope you will keep coming back.
Mattie states it honestly...we do not give advise...for reason and we do offer Experience Strength and Hope...ESH so here is mine from only a small part of my recovery life which includes being a alcoholism/drug addiction therapist. Alcoholism is a fatal disease and we don't get to choose when the fatal happens if it ever does. Trying to second guess this disease is Russian roulette and I have witnessed more than my share of the fatalities caused by it to the drinker and non-drinker each. I have witnessed the very innocent infant die as well as the wife attempting to escape the killing only to be killed by the police sent to protect her from a violent alcoholic husband,
One of the symptoms of alcoholism is insanity...the loss of the ability to maintain a continuous and orderly process of thought. We know that thought and behaviors are directly linked and based on that my experience is "it hasn't happened to YOU yet. Do all that is necessary to protect your life and the lives of those dependent upon your physical, mental and emotional well being." Keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
I too am a double-winner. I'll not bore you with the crazy details of my active state, but rest assured I ended up in a ton of trouble with the law. I've been sober a long while, one day at a time. Recovery is available no matter how far down the scale one goes. It's a process and often relapse is a part of recovery. He may/may not get sober and maintain sobriety - the only one who knows that answer is God. Projecting failure or success based on statistics or the story of others will only set you up for disappointment.
You have every right to your fears, feelings, anger, etc. We all do; it's what you do to get through those that will matter most of all for you and your children. If you have any doubts, don't. I am quite certain you can extend the EPO based on his history of substance abuse. So, if you need more time to heal/deal, take it. Sobriety is a life-long effort, just as Al-Anon is for us. When we step away from the program, we return to our obsessing, controlling, judging ways. When they step away from the program, they relapse. Relapse doesn't always mean forever. Recovery doesn't mean there will be sunshine and roses.
There is no true way to know what he will/will not do but you can use this time to regain your own self-worth, self-esteem, learn about the disease, focus on your/your children's recovery and just get your head straight to make the best decisions for your circumstance.
I have two children (boys) and an alcoholic husband. We met and married in AA, and both had years of sobriety when we got together. We married, got pregnant, had one child, rinse and repeat. At some point between the birth of our sons, he relapse. That's been 22-24 years ago, and he never returned to AA. However, for a variety of reasons and through recovery, we've stayed married, and our marriage is good. It's not perfect, but nobody and no marriage is, but it's good. I had to allow him to be him, imperfect at times and allow me to be me, also imperfect at times. He has health issues, so has slowed way down but I don't track it, look for it, care about it - so long as it's not affecting me. And it doesn't.
Who knows if staying was right/wrong - I'm satisfied with my choice and my boys got to grow up with their father. Was he a good father? Not really but they've learned how not to be. They and I love him, in spite of his disease - no need to resent someone who is sick. This helped me a ton - it's a disease, no different than cancer or diabetes. One either treats their disease or they do not. What I've learned is it's not my job/role to judge another, no matter what they are/are not doing.
Please search out local Al-Anon meetings and begin to understand the insanity of this disease. Just for today, you don't have to decide anything but getting support for you and your children. Keep coming back here - you are not alone. There is always hope and help!
I can not begin to imagine how frightening your experience has been for you all. I like Mattie's reminder that we can take our time, and from what you have described I think it is reasonable to pause and let some time pass whilst you keep yourself and your children safe. In my experience the amount of time required was longer than I expected! My husband stopped drinking three years ago this September. The first two years of his sobriety were difficult and unpredictable. This third year has been better although still a bit crazy from time to time!
Your husband may object to you taking the time you need to feel safe again because his disease is more than used to having its own way, but deep down he may well understand and respect you for protecting yourself and your children from this disease for a while. It is a fearful time for you all. Alcohol messes with people's minds - I know that it does, and I know that it takes time for the mind to recover - ours as well as the alcoholics. But we can recover and we do have choices. We really do!
Keep reaching out, try Alanon meetings in your area if you can. it is absolutely ok to ask for help, and to talk through your thoughts out loud. I find that doing that helps me to start seeing the right path amidst the crazy making stuff. ((((Hugs)))))
You deserve the support that you will find there.
Positive thoughts and prayers on the way.
It's so easy to be outside of a relationship, hear the horror of it all from one party and give advice. I've learned in the program that there are 2 sides to every story, God doesn't have/play favorites and I am one among many and nobody tatoo'd "judge" on my head. The program has taught me how to listen, how to support and how to avoid judgment for all others. I don't know anyone in recovery, AA or Al-Anon, who woke up and said, "Gee - I think today I will screw up my life and the lives of all around me who love me."
Most of my family that were against my decisions about my marriage have come around. They are not best buddies with my A, but they are respectful and cordial. Some of my friends who were against my decisions about my marriage stayed away. In retrospect, they were not the type of friends I needed for my new way of living. I prefer 'winners' - those who are trying to be imperfect and equal in an imperfect world. I no longer have room in my life for drama-seeking, self-serving, selfish judgmental friends who believe they are better than or worse than others.
So - work on you, work on your recovery, your esteem, your worth and do not concern yourself with others. When I stopped talking about my scenario to those who didn't understand, amazingly things got quiet quickly. (((Hugs)))
I like the responses you have received from the old timers who have been around for a while cause that is what worked for me. My elder sponsor consoled me years ago to "separate myself from all things alcohol" which included my family, her family and all friends outside of the program.
Earlier in program we used to read the definition of alcoholism which included understanding about the family which stated, "we are as affected as they are in that we have learned to act and react in much the same way as the alcoholic..." Alcoholism affects everyone it comes into contact with and you are seeing the outcome of that...learning to feel compassion and empathy for everyone affected helped me out and building relationships with "brothers and sisters" in recovery has given me a new and larger family...you are one of the relatives.
Getting negative feedback from others who do not understand is expected along with the understanding that I "do not have to react to it"....Keep coming back ((((hugs))))