Hello everyone. I am new here and this is my first time reaching out. My husband is an alcoholic-a very high functioning one. His family and coworkers would never in a million years guess he has a problem. My family loves him and thinks he is the 'nicest guy' as well. He has maybe one friend and he does not hang out with him very often at all--I don't think he likes to get too close to people because I feel like he is usually putting on an act. I live with the real him. The him that comes home and drinks half a giant size bottle of bourbon at night. He doesn't eat dinner when I do because I'm pretty sure it he thinks it would affect his buzz. So he drinks until he passes out every night and I have begged him to stop and I'm sure you all know how that goes. I ignored all the red flags when we were dating, meeting him for lunch and he was already drunk at noon, telling him to stop drinking so much and finding hidden alcohol above the cupboards and stashed in his bag. When I tell him to stop drinking he deflects or just totally blows everything I say out of proportion. I don't know what to do..I don't think he's every going to do anything about it. I'm just so sad that a bottle of bourbon is so much more important than I am. We don't have kids so I guess I could leave, but the thought of it leaves me numb. I guess I just need to vent because I don't talk to anyone about it and it's really hurting me inside. I have had some depression and social anxiety issues in the past and many times he'll throw that in my face when I tell him I think he has a problem. Ugh...the other 50% of the time it can be so good, but when he grabs that glass every night and fills it I know it is over.
hotrod said
Aug 25, 2016
Hi Sam Welcome alcoholism is a chronic progressive disease over which we are powerless. Alanon is a support group for family members, who have lived with or do live with the disease.
Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages. Please check out the meetings and keep coming back here. You are not alone and there is hope ,
jocelgp said
Aug 26, 2016
Hello Samantha,
I can identify with you in that I too am married to an alcoholic and that it seems I am the only one in our circle of family and friends who recognizes that. Like you, I too ignored the red flag before we got married and that I thought his promising me that he will not drink anymore is a sign of love, a sacrifice he's willing to take for me. Twenty years has passed and that promise remained broken. Like you I have 20 years of " you all know how that goes". My husband doesn't believe in AA, neither does he admit he has drinking problem. As of now, after my husband was badly injured after a long night of drinking, he said he will never drink again. I no longer hold on to his promises, that is his business not mine. Like you, we also don't have children. For the longest time I kept telling myself I already wanted to separate but till now still lives with him. I am not saying that separation is no longer my option. It still is but it's something that should not be done hastily, I should be ready for it. In Al-anon I am learning a lot about the disease of alcoholism and how to live with it. I learned about setting boundaries and I have kept separation as an option.
You can pick up a lot of Experiences, Strengths and Hope (ESH) in this board. You'll find out you are not alone and there's a lot us working hard so we can take care of ourselves.
Keep coming back!
(((Hugs)))
Jocel
Jerry F said
Aug 26, 2016
Aloha Sam and welcome to the family. Awesome that you have the courage to open up about the disease in your life and how it is treating you mind, body, spirit and emotions. Alcoholism is a disease, an AMA recognized disease that is not arrested by total abstinence will terminate in insanity and or death. Yes it is that bad and he isn't as functional an alcoholic as you or anyone else might think. When a wife comes out looking for support that is evidence he is not functioning along with other things such as not joining you at the dinner table. I had to learn this stuff over time. My former wife is an alcoholic/addict and God willing she is still in recovery. I am a double member of Al-Anon and AA and I was born and raised within the disease.
Go ahead and vent as mightily as you want because that is one of the tools of courage and honesty we have to use so that we get help and healthier. Like you we cannot do anything with or for your alcoholic as it says in the first of the 12 steps we have aligned our lives with...."We admitted we are powerless over alcohol and that our lives have become unmanageable". It this program when we work it ...it works and we regain management over our lives whether the alcoholic continues to drink or not.
Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Iamhere said
Aug 26, 2016
Samantha - welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and glad that you joined right in and shared. In Al-Anon, I learned more about the disease and the diseased, as well as acquired tools and support to be and feel differently. We can recover from the damaging affects of this family disease whether they seek help or not. This disease is progressive and powerful and almost everyone is affected by it in the family unit.
We do understand and you are not alone. Please keep coming back and seek out local support (Al-Anon meetings) for local fellowship - this makes all the difference in recovery or at least it has for me!
(((Hugs))) - there is hope and help.
blindsided said
Aug 26, 2016
Hi Samantha,
I have been married to an alcoholic for almost 18 years, together 22. I, too, am sad that he chooses a bottle of Budweiser over me. He is supposed to quit drinking and smoking in order to have back surgery. He quit one morning and it lasted until I went to my Al-Anon meeting that night. When I got home, he was drinking and smoking. Now he has postponed his surgery. I too suffer from depression and anxiety and am on medication for both. The alcoholism depresses me so much because my husband would do anything for me except quit drinking and he is the nicest guy. It is so sad to watch him every day all day drinking, sneaking around, thinking I don't know what is going on.
laxplayer24 said
Aug 26, 2016
Hi Samantha--I too ask the question why is alcohol more important than me. It is so hurtful and so depressing every time he choosesalcohol over me. If our A's really love us then they should choose us. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way.
This is a great site to vent on (having done just that several times). It is so hard when you are in it by yourself and everyone thinks your husband is the greatest thing since sliced cheese. You need to talk to someone whether it is a F2F meeting or on this board. It is too hard to do it on our own and not healthy.
Desperateinnyc said
Aug 26, 2016
Hi, too am new here. My BF has become unbearable at times. In the last few months his alcoholism has increased and he is now very verbally abusive during his episodes. Of course he doesn't remember them, only I get that pleasure. I'm knee deep in this yet trying to find some sanity, which is why I came here. I love him so much, and take the demon away, he is so amazing and everything I could ever want. He will not go to a program yet, he admits a problem, it he won't yet go, I'm not sure what to do, but I keep reaching out here and reading a lot and I went to a meeting recently and it all helps. Good luck to you!
Fedora said
Aug 30, 2016
Hi Samantha and Hi DesperateinNYC.
First, hugs to you.
You are not alone.
You ARE more important than alcohol. Your worth is not determined by your partner's use of alcohol.
Samantha4073 said
Aug 30, 2016
I would like to thank everyone for their responses! It really helps to know that I am not alone. I will continue to visit this board and look into getting other help (for myself, my husband thinks there is no problem). Don't we all wish we could have a crystal ball to let us know what the future will hold...I wish I could see myself in many years and wondering if I would be telling myself to leave now :(
Jazzie18 said
Aug 30, 2016
Welcome Samantha.
I would suggest face to face meetings if you can get to one. My AH was a very high functioning one until one day he wasn't and the alcohol was affecting his job and life. All his family and friends had no idea until it got really bad and I had reached my bottom and reached out to a friend trusted people. This disease is so very isolating so at the least I would suggest trying to find a face to face meeting so you have some support. Do you have any friends/family that you could confide in? I think you will find that once you actually break the isolation you will feel a lot better. I know that once I did I felt like 100 pounds had been lifted off my back. Al Anon suggests that you don't make any decisions for the first 6 months so you don't have to make any hasty decisions right away. It is very good that you don't have kids. Dealing with alcoholism with young kids is not fun - been there with 2 young kids and it just makes it all that more stressful.
It sounds like your husband is in denial. There is nothing you can do about that but you can focus on getting the help that you need. Stick around these boards....you will find a lot of support. Also, if you are interested in podcasts, I found one that has really helped me at therecoveryshow.com. They have episodes on a whole bunch of topics. I listened a lot to the show the first few months after coming into Al Anon.
Maresie said
Aug 30, 2016
Hello and welcome to this program. I.certainly have had many many experiences with.alcholics.
The good thing about al anon is al the tools you can use to deal with alcoholism. Those tools certain come in very handy no mqtterwhat.
The issue of taking alcoholism personally. The sad thing of course is it has very ittle to do with us personally. We just choose to take it personally.
I am one of those type d people who can focus on the negative. But now I have had to make a choice. Being that type is ready draining
Lately I have become willing to focus on the positive. One of the tasks my former sponsor had me do was to focus on three things to be grateful for each day. Of.course being a type d I resented that tremendously.
I had a very hard time taking suggestions reakly really difficult.
Now I am far more wiling
Needless to say it took me years to get to this place. I learned to be patient in this program.
Maresie
Hello everyone. I am new here and this is my first time reaching out. My husband is an alcoholic-a very high functioning one. His family and coworkers would never in a million years guess he has a problem. My family loves him and thinks he is the 'nicest guy' as well. He has maybe one friend and he does not hang out with him very often at all--I don't think he likes to get too close to people because I feel like he is usually putting on an act. I live with the real him. The him that comes home and drinks half a giant size bottle of bourbon at night. He doesn't eat dinner when I do because I'm pretty sure it he thinks it would affect his buzz. So he drinks until he passes out every night and I have begged him to stop and I'm sure you all know how that goes. I ignored all the red flags when we were dating, meeting him for lunch and he was already drunk at noon, telling him to stop drinking so much and finding hidden alcohol above the cupboards and stashed in his bag. When I tell him to stop drinking he deflects or just totally blows everything I say out of proportion. I don't know what to do..I don't think he's every going to do anything about it. I'm just so sad that a bottle of bourbon is so much more important than I am. We don't have kids so I guess I could leave, but the thought of it leaves me numb. I guess I just need to vent because I don't talk to anyone about it and it's really hurting me inside. I have had some depression and social anxiety issues in the past and many times he'll throw that in my face when I tell him I think he has a problem. Ugh...the other 50% of the time it can be so good, but when he grabs that glass every night and fills it I know it is over.
Hi Sam Welcome alcoholism is a chronic progressive disease over which we are powerless. Alanon is a support group for family members, who have lived with or do live with the disease.
Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages. Please check out the meetings and keep coming back here. You are not alone and there is hope ,
I can identify with you in that I too am married to an alcoholic and that it seems I am the only one in our circle of family and friends who recognizes that. Like you, I too ignored the red flag before we got married and that I thought his promising me that he will not drink anymore is a sign of love, a sacrifice he's willing to take for me. Twenty years has passed and that promise remained broken. Like you I have 20 years of " you all know how that goes". My husband doesn't believe in AA, neither does he admit he has drinking problem. As of now, after my husband was badly injured after a long night of drinking, he said he will never drink again. I no longer hold on to his promises, that is his business not mine. Like you, we also don't have children. For the longest time I kept telling myself I already wanted to separate but till now still lives with him. I am not saying that separation is no longer my option. It still is but it's something that should not be done hastily, I should be ready for it. In Al-anon I am learning a lot about the disease of alcoholism and how to live with it. I learned about setting boundaries and I have kept separation as an option.
You can pick up a lot of Experiences, Strengths and Hope (ESH) in this board. You'll find out you are not alone and there's a lot us working hard so we can take care of ourselves.
Keep coming back!
(((Hugs)))
Jocel
Aloha Sam and welcome to the family. Awesome that you have the courage to open up about the disease in your life and how it is treating you mind, body, spirit and emotions. Alcoholism is a disease, an AMA recognized disease that is not arrested by total abstinence will terminate in insanity and or death. Yes it is that bad and he isn't as functional an alcoholic as you or anyone else might think. When a wife comes out looking for support that is evidence he is not functioning along with other things such as not joining you at the dinner table. I had to learn this stuff over time. My former wife is an alcoholic/addict and God willing she is still in recovery. I am a double member of Al-Anon and AA and I was born and raised within the disease.
Go ahead and vent as mightily as you want because that is one of the tools of courage and honesty we have to use so that we get help and healthier. Like you we cannot do anything with or for your alcoholic as it says in the first of the 12 steps we have aligned our lives with...."We admitted we are powerless over alcohol and that our lives have become unmanageable". It this program when we work it ...it works and we regain management over our lives whether the alcoholic continues to drink or not.
Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
We do understand and you are not alone. Please keep coming back and seek out local support (Al-Anon meetings) for local fellowship - this makes all the difference in recovery or at least it has for me!
(((Hugs))) - there is hope and help.
Hi Samantha,
I have been married to an alcoholic for almost 18 years, together 22. I, too, am sad that he chooses a bottle of Budweiser over me. He is supposed to quit drinking and smoking in order to have back surgery. He quit one morning and it lasted until I went to my Al-Anon meeting that night. When I got home, he was drinking and smoking. Now he has postponed his surgery. I too suffer from depression and anxiety and am on medication for both. The alcoholism depresses me so much because my husband would do anything for me except quit drinking and he is the nicest guy. It is so sad to watch him every day all day drinking, sneaking around, thinking I don't know what is going on.
Hi Samantha--I too ask the question why is alcohol more important than me. It is so hurtful and so depressing every time he choosesalcohol over me. If our A's really love us then they should choose us. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way.
This is a great site to vent on (having done just that several times). It is so hard when you are in it by yourself and everyone thinks your husband is the greatest thing since sliced cheese. You need to talk to someone whether it is a F2F meeting or on this board. It is too hard to do it on our own and not healthy.
First, hugs to you.
You are not alone.
You ARE more important than alcohol. Your worth is not determined by your partner's use of alcohol.
I would suggest face to face meetings if you can get to one. My AH was a very high functioning one until one day he wasn't and the alcohol was affecting his job and life. All his family and friends had no idea until it got really bad and I had reached my bottom and reached out to a friend trusted people. This disease is so very isolating so at the least I would suggest trying to find a face to face meeting so you have some support. Do you have any friends/family that you could confide in? I think you will find that once you actually break the isolation you will feel a lot better. I know that once I did I felt like 100 pounds had been lifted off my back. Al Anon suggests that you don't make any decisions for the first 6 months so you don't have to make any hasty decisions right away. It is very good that you don't have kids. Dealing with alcoholism with young kids is not fun - been there with 2 young kids and it just makes it all that more stressful.
It sounds like your husband is in denial. There is nothing you can do about that but you can focus on getting the help that you need. Stick around these boards....you will find a lot of support. Also, if you are interested in podcasts, I found one that has really helped me at therecoveryshow.com. They have episodes on a whole bunch of topics. I listened a lot to the show the first few months after coming into Al Anon.