Hi all, quick question. i have been talking to my AS lately. I have been trying to work my program and not enable, mother or manage. I am seeing my patterns in the way I interact with him and i am becoming more thoughtful before doing or saying something that may be old behavior. So after my conversation with him yesterday, thru messenger, he said he would call me and his step dad later on. He hasnt had a cell phone for so long so our contact is thru fb messenger. Well he did not call yesterday or today. Ordinarily, I wouldnt say much to him about missed calls in the past...but now im thinking he should be held accountable if he says he gonna call and doesnt, then why not let him know that we were looking forward to an actual call and he didnt come thru and so whats up? in my readings, it says to treat them like an adult, not like a naughty chid, but like the adult that they are. Any thoughts? Thanks for being here.
pinkchip said
Aug 25, 2016
"You said you would call. You didn't. That was disappointing." That part is easy. It is what comes next that is the challenge because they always screw with your mond and test you AFTER you set boundaries. It will be 1. An excuse 2. Minimizing 3. Blaming you or someone else 4. Some absurd deflection or bringing up something irrelevant that make you out to be the "bad one." So treating them like a grown up is ditching all that BS and responding with "I don't care to talk about (insert BS response from your A). I simply told you it was disappointing when you didnt call when you said. The end. Lets talk about something else." Or hang up/walk away if he wont drop it.
Jerry F said
Aug 26, 2016
I learned all the triggers that my alcoholic/addict and I use to use to mess around with each other and create drama and after I learned that now I knew and knew that I knew "MY" part in it, I allowed myself the opportunities either get involved or not because the consequences were going to be all mine. My sponsor taught me to choose the consequence I wanted and then do the thing to get it allowing myself to be wrong if I was or not do anything at all if that also happened.
It is my program.
((((hugs))))
Calm Lady said
Aug 26, 2016
pinkchip wrote:
"You said you would call. You didn't. That was disappointing." That part is easy. It is what comes next that is the challenge because they always screw with your mond and test you AFTER you set boundaries. It will be 1. An excuse 2. Minimizing 3. Blaming you or someone else 4. Some absurd deflection or bringing up something irrelevant that make you out to be the "bad one." So treating them like a grown up is ditching all that BS and responding with "I don't care to talk about (insert BS response from your A). I simply told you it was disappointing when you didnt call when you said. The end. Lets talk about something else." Or hang up/walk away if he wont drop it.
Thank you for this. Just exactly what I needed to read today. Yes, 1- 4 are absolutely spot on with AH!
Good to see it so clearly set out. When it is in play with AH, I end up befuddled or feeling I have done something wrong!
There are so few things you can say to an active without it ending up in mind games.
Exhausting.
el-cee said
Aug 26, 2016
I also have a son who is a drinker and I dont bring u[p things like this, I may be wrong on this but I believe its my own unrealistic expectations if Im sitting waiting on a phone call that realistically is unlikely given this disease is the main driver and so reliable behaviour is most likely alomost impossible. I also am wary of adding to the feelings of guilt or anything else negati8ve that is the go to thought processes, so to chastise for anything is enabling, just my own view of this.
seahorselady said
Aug 26, 2016
Thank you all for your diverse ESH. I feel like I need to check my motives here. Thanks for giving me something to think on, it's really helpful. Thanks for being here.
Calm Lady said
Aug 26, 2016
I agree with El-Cee, I never place any expectations on AH. This is for my benefit not his. It avoids me being let down and the situation originally raised about whether to mention it or not.
Iamhere said
Aug 26, 2016
I have grown to not ask or respond to broken commitments and perhaps this is insane, but I almost know when the words are spoken to me that it may/may not happen. So - I too minimize any expectations. Of course, as pinkchip points out, even if/when I carefully craft a statement to share, it will bounce back at me - such as, I didn't say I would call that same day - I said I would call later on. I do know for those who are active, days are lost and so are promises, commitments, etc. Mine have lost whole weeks before - not a clue what happened ...
Since coming to Al-Anon, I try to truly start each day over upon awakening. If a day is particularly hard for me, I'll actually pause and start my day over whenever I need to - this was such a lovely way to 'see' things which I never had thought of before. I always have Plan B so I am not waiting/worrying when things go different than desired. I had this 'hard to let go desire' to always want to be right...I have learned in recovery that choosing happiness vs. being right is much for peaceful.
Looking at your motives is very helpful - I also tell myself that nothing I say today will change what happened yesterday - nor will it prevent it from happening tomorrow. I have to own my truth on my side of the street each moment of each day - and of course, how important is it anyway comes to mind!
Great question and I am glad to hear you wanting to be/respond differently - great signs of progress in recovery! Keep coming back - you are not alone!
seahorselady said
Aug 26, 2016
Expectations, start my day over, how important is it anyway? Great tools of recovery! Thank you again for your invaluable ESH....So very helpful
Hi all, quick question. i have been talking to my AS lately. I have been trying to work my program and not enable, mother or manage. I am seeing my patterns in the way I interact with him and i am becoming more thoughtful before doing or saying something that may be old behavior. So after my conversation with him yesterday, thru messenger, he said he would call me and his step dad later on. He hasnt had a cell phone for so long so our contact is thru fb messenger. Well he did not call yesterday or today. Ordinarily, I wouldnt say much to him about missed calls in the past...but now im thinking he should be held accountable if he says he gonna call and doesnt, then why not let him know that we were looking forward to an actual call and he didnt come thru and so whats up? in my readings, it says to treat them like an adult, not like a naughty chid, but like the adult that they are. Any thoughts? Thanks for being here.
I learned all the triggers that my alcoholic/addict and I use to use to mess around with each other and create drama and after I learned that now I knew and knew that I knew "MY" part in it, I allowed myself the opportunities either get involved or not because the consequences were going to be all mine. My sponsor taught me to choose the consequence I wanted and then do the thing to get it allowing myself to be wrong if I was or not do anything at all if that also happened.
It is my program.
((((hugs))))
Thank you for this. Just exactly what I needed to read today. Yes, 1- 4 are absolutely spot on with AH!
Good to see it so clearly set out. When it is in play with AH, I end up befuddled or feeling I have done something wrong!
There are so few things you can say to an active without it ending up in mind games.
Exhausting.
I also have a son who is a drinker and I dont bring u[p things like this, I may be wrong on this but I believe its my own unrealistic expectations if Im sitting waiting on a phone call that realistically is unlikely given this disease is the main driver and so reliable behaviour is most likely alomost impossible. I also am wary of adding to the feelings of guilt or anything else negati8ve that is the go to thought processes, so to chastise for anything is enabling, just my own view of this.
Since coming to Al-Anon, I try to truly start each day over upon awakening. If a day is particularly hard for me, I'll actually pause and start my day over whenever I need to - this was such a lovely way to 'see' things which I never had thought of before. I always have Plan B so I am not waiting/worrying when things go different than desired. I had this 'hard to let go desire' to always want to be right...I have learned in recovery that choosing happiness vs. being right is much for peaceful.
Looking at your motives is very helpful - I also tell myself that nothing I say today will change what happened yesterday - nor will it prevent it from happening tomorrow. I have to own my truth on my side of the street each moment of each day - and of course, how important is it anyway comes to mind!
Great question and I am glad to hear you wanting to be/respond differently - great signs of progress in recovery! Keep coming back - you are not alone!