I realize this has probably been addressed here before. And that the response is that it's different for everyone. But I am struggling to know, when do I give up, when do I say, that's it, good luck, but I'm out, and when do I say no, I'm not going to leave, because everything about u that I hate is because you drink. Any advice would be great, thanks so much
Mattie said
Aug 25, 2016
For me, it was when I realized and truly accepted that he was going to keep drinking. His behavior while drinking was so painful for me that I never had any illusions that I could be around it forever. But I kept holding out hope that he would stop. He would go through rehab, relapse, go to AA, relapse, etc. etc. Periods of sobriety in there, but they never lasted. For a while I believed that they would. Then I came to see that he was just going to stay an active alcoholic. (It is now a number of years later and he is still active, so I was certainly right, even though I overestimated the number of alcoholics who stay sober.) And when he endangered our child, I knew that not only was I going to leave, I was going to leave soon. It was like the scales fell from my eyes and I saw what kind of craziness we were living in, and knew I didn't want to live in craziness any more.
Desperateinnyc said
Aug 25, 2016
That is a very helpful response..he has yet to enter into any program, does admit he has a problem tho. Big deal. His family and I are so desperately trying to get him to go..so I don't even know what he'd be like sober..Ive never known him sober, but in last 6 years of being with him, it is only the last one really where his behavior has gotten out of control, even enough for him to say so. Anyway, what I worry about, and I'm sure this is common, is he gets sober, and I'm not there for it, someone else is..how ridiculous is that...
Desperateinnyc said
Aug 25, 2016
I guess we too have our "rock bottom" just as they do. Idk if I've hit mine yet, I guess I'd know if I did.
pinkchip said
Aug 25, 2016
Desp, you are not alone and I have read all the things you mentioned here on this board many times. For me, I was not scared someone else would get a sober version that was so great. I knew it was not going to stop and besides, it was so toxic that it didn't matter anyhow. He went away for a period (drank himself into mental hospital for 2 weeks) and it dawned on me that I was kinda happier without him around. As simple as that sounds...that was what did it. My fear of being alone was so intense and that put a big dent in it.
SerenityRUS said
Aug 25, 2016
Holy cow Pink hit the nail on the head .. my fear was what was so defective in me that someone else would get the awesome version and I was so damaged and screwed up that it was me not him. That statement is true to a point .. I needed to heal and honestly there was only so many times I could be drowning and try to save someone else who was drowning as well. It doesn't work .. usually both parties go down which is soooo sad. There is a reading in Courage to Change I believe that talks about putting on our own air mask first in an emergency on a plane. I have to take care of myself first.
I think for me it honestly wasn't even the drinking that did me in .. it was the issue of the affair/s that I was done with .. drink be a jerk whatever .. screw around on me .. whole other issue .. don't ask me why. So I was done when the emotional pain outweighed the emotional payoff. I think when people leave that's where they are at .. they just can't emotionally take anymore and that can mean different things however the core to me is the same.
The other thing is you will find your own answer when you get there .. leaving or staying is a very personal decision and there is nothing easy about either answer.
Hugs S :)
Desperateinnyc said
Aug 25, 2016
Thank so much for your response. I also gain a sense of relief when we are apart for a few days. Right now is one of them. I don't know of it would be different if I didn't know he was coming back soon. But I do believe it's a sign of sorts.
e_i_m said
Aug 25, 2016
I just broke up with my addict/alcoholic bf. And I just found this discussion board :)
So reassuring to read other people's posts -- I felt happier, more serene, more myself when we were apart and decided to make it permanent. I was always waiting to hear from him or waiting to see what he would do next. I made myself crazy. I know we're not supposed to force solutions, but I feel very free at having made this choice.
Desperateinnyc said
Aug 25, 2016
I'm so happy to hear that. You have a lot of courage, I hope I have the same. im new here too, im new to this entire world..I have no idea what I'm doing. But everyone here helps a lot. thanks for answering.
Desperateinnyc said
Aug 25, 2016
We are apart this next few days..we had a horrific night Tuesday which should have been awesome..now he's thrown me a few texts, like random surfacey ones..and I simply won't respond. No I'm not mad, I'm just removing myself from him as much as I can for a few days. And I know him so well, he will start off like this, and then his texts will become more concerned, more full of emotion.,and I will continue to ignore, just because it feels damn good. Is that wrong? I don't care if it is, it is what I need, so he can figure out his own shit for once
pinkchip said
Aug 25, 2016
It isn't bad to feel good ignoring him. It doesn't sound ideal though if it is like punishing him or feeling powerful now cuz you got a 1 up on him for being bad. That sort of reinforces a whirlwind make up/break up push/pull sort of thing that may be it's own addiction for you. It beats being so needy you can't stop yourself or distance yourself for any period. I think indifference or disgust at him/the relationship is a bigger sign that you are ready to leave.
Desperateinnyc said
Aug 25, 2016
Yes I agree, it's when I feel no sort of victory over him while I'm removed from him, that I wil know I'm actually ok again.
e_i_m said
Aug 26, 2016
Daniellenyc, I posted last night that I just broke up with my boyfriend -- and I meant "just" -- I did it last night. I hadn't heard from him in a week and he'd blown me off for two planned things. I was sick with worry thinking he was hurt or going through some distress. Nope, he was hooking up with another woman (his ex, whom he assured me was not in the picture any more). As soon as I found that out, I just said, "That's it. I'm making myself sick with worry about him. I'm obsessing over what he's doing. I'm making my value dependent upon his attention (making his attention my higher power) -- this is crazy. And all the while, he's two-timing me." And I dumped him (via email). I know we're not supposed to force solutions, we're not supposed to make rash decisions, and we're supposed to THINK and use Easy Does It. But at that moment, I felt I had clarity. Not long after, however, I started second-guessing myself. I thought I should have waited, should have talked to him, should have given him the chance to defend himself. I only slept about three hours. And this morning, I felt terrible. I thought I'd thrown away the only guy who could ever love me (again, making his attention my higher power) and kept wondering if I'd just tried to get a reaction out of him, or if I really wanted to be done. I was thinking over good and bad qualities in him and in our relationship.
This morning, I followed my normal routine. I walked my dog around my beautiful neighborhood, did my al-anon daily reading/journaling, made a list of things I was grateful for (while simultaneoulsy thinking all I wanted was for him to tell me he was sorry and he loved me and thinking that my life had no real meaning if he didn't love me), then I went to a yoga class and got such a loving smile from the teacher that I almost cried. Then I went to work and one of my employees gave me a bouquet of roses and said how much she appreciates my support, and a group of our clients threw a going away party for somone going off to college. Then I got a positive notification from my boss for something I'd done at work. And I got an email thank you from another client. And I slowly recognized that my value as a person doesn't depend on my ex-bf. I saw that I make a positive impact on people's lives every day. I started smiling. My mood really changed.
Tonight, I went out to dinner with some neighbors. It was so nice. There was no drinking. There was no inappropriate moody behavior. It was so civilized. We had really kind words for each other. And as I was enjoying myself immensely, I recognized that my xbf would *never* have come out to this dinner, and if he had, he would not have fit in -- he would have acted differently than everyone else and he would have talked crap about everyone on the way home. And as I'm writing this, I realize that this sane life of kindness and civility is what I want. I don't want the drama and the moodiness and the stomping around.
I'm so proud of myself for making positive choices today. I'm going to bed soon and I just want to be able to sleep. I don't want to obsess over him and wonder what he's doing. I want to focus on the nice, nice things that happened in my life today and the prayers that my HP answered. I hope I can keep the doubting thoughts out and look at building a new life with more positive people in it.
LinSC said
Aug 26, 2016
"When the pain of where you are is greater than the fear of where you will be, you will move"
Desperateinnyc said
Aug 26, 2016
You made me cry, in a good way. You are such an inspiration to me. I hear you, so much of what you said, no one has ever really put into words for me. I'm just amazed. You are right now, stronger then I am. Maybe I get there too. But knowing you did, has shown me a light I didn't see yesterday. I really want to thank you for your story...I won't forget it. Best of luck in your life!
Desperateinnyc said
Aug 26, 2016
How true...I guess I will know, thank you so much!
Crau said
Aug 30, 2016
When it's time to do something, you'll know it. When you're ready to do something,you'll do it. your HP works in mysterious ways.
I realize this has probably been addressed here before. And that the response is that it's different for everyone. But I am struggling to know, when do I give up, when do I say, that's it, good luck, but I'm out, and when do I say no, I'm not going to leave, because everything about u that I hate is because you drink. Any advice would be great, thanks so much
For me, it was when I realized and truly accepted that he was going to keep drinking. His behavior while drinking was so painful for me that I never had any illusions that I could be around it forever. But I kept holding out hope that he would stop. He would go through rehab, relapse, go to AA, relapse, etc. etc. Periods of sobriety in there, but they never lasted. For a while I believed that they would. Then I came to see that he was just going to stay an active alcoholic. (It is now a number of years later and he is still active, so I was certainly right, even though I overestimated the number of alcoholics who stay sober.) And when he endangered our child, I knew that not only was I going to leave, I was going to leave soon. It was like the scales fell from my eyes and I saw what kind of craziness we were living in, and knew I didn't want to live in craziness any more.
I think for me it honestly wasn't even the drinking that did me in .. it was the issue of the affair/s that I was done with .. drink be a jerk whatever .. screw around on me .. whole other issue .. don't ask me why. So I was done when the emotional pain outweighed the emotional payoff. I think when people leave that's where they are at .. they just can't emotionally take anymore and that can mean different things however the core to me is the same.
The other thing is you will find your own answer when you get there .. leaving or staying is a very personal decision and there is nothing easy about either answer.
Hugs S :)
Thank so much for your response. I also gain a sense of relief when we are apart for a few days. Right now is one of them. I don't know of it would be different if I didn't know he was coming back soon. But I do believe it's a sign of sorts.
So reassuring to read other people's posts -- I felt happier, more serene, more myself when we were apart and decided to make it permanent. I was always waiting to hear from him or waiting to see what he would do next. I made myself crazy. I know we're not supposed to force solutions, but I feel very free at having made this choice.
I'm so happy to hear that. You have a lot of courage, I hope I have the same. im new here too, im new to this entire world..I have no idea what I'm doing. But everyone here helps a lot. thanks for answering.
Daniellenyc, I posted last night that I just broke up with my boyfriend -- and I meant "just" -- I did it last night. I hadn't heard from him in a week and he'd blown me off for two planned things. I was sick with worry thinking he was hurt or going through some distress. Nope, he was hooking up with another woman (his ex, whom he assured me was not in the picture any more). As soon as I found that out, I just said, "That's it. I'm making myself sick with worry about him. I'm obsessing over what he's doing. I'm making my value dependent upon his attention (making his attention my higher power) -- this is crazy. And all the while, he's two-timing me." And I dumped him (via email). I know we're not supposed to force solutions, we're not supposed to make rash decisions, and we're supposed to THINK and use Easy Does It. But at that moment, I felt I had clarity. Not long after, however, I started second-guessing myself. I thought I should have waited, should have talked to him, should have given him the chance to defend himself. I only slept about three hours. And this morning, I felt terrible. I thought I'd thrown away the only guy who could ever love me (again, making his attention my higher power) and kept wondering if I'd just tried to get a reaction out of him, or if I really wanted to be done. I was thinking over good and bad qualities in him and in our relationship.
This morning, I followed my normal routine. I walked my dog around my beautiful neighborhood, did my al-anon daily reading/journaling, made a list of things I was grateful for (while simultaneoulsy thinking all I wanted was for him to tell me he was sorry and he loved me and thinking that my life had no real meaning if he didn't love me), then I went to a yoga class and got such a loving smile from the teacher that I almost cried. Then I went to work and one of my employees gave me a bouquet of roses and said how much she appreciates my support, and a group of our clients threw a going away party for somone going off to college. Then I got a positive notification from my boss for something I'd done at work. And I got an email thank you from another client. And I slowly recognized that my value as a person doesn't depend on my ex-bf. I saw that I make a positive impact on people's lives every day. I started smiling. My mood really changed.
Tonight, I went out to dinner with some neighbors. It was so nice. There was no drinking. There was no inappropriate moody behavior. It was so civilized. We had really kind words for each other. And as I was enjoying myself immensely, I recognized that my xbf would *never* have come out to this dinner, and if he had, he would not have fit in -- he would have acted differently than everyone else and he would have talked crap about everyone on the way home. And as I'm writing this, I realize that this sane life of kindness and civility is what I want. I don't want the drama and the moodiness and the stomping around.
I'm so proud of myself for making positive choices today. I'm going to bed soon and I just want to be able to sleep. I don't want to obsess over him and wonder what he's doing. I want to focus on the nice, nice things that happened in my life today and the prayers that my HP answered. I hope I can keep the doubting thoughts out and look at building a new life with more positive people in it.
"When the pain of where you are is greater than the fear of where you will be, you will move"
You made me cry, in a good way. You are such an inspiration to me. I hear you, so much of what you said, no one has ever really put into words for me. I'm just amazed. You are right now, stronger then I am. Maybe I get there too. But knowing you did, has shown me a light I didn't see yesterday. I really want to thank you for your story...I won't forget it. Best of luck in your life!
How true...I guess I will know, thank you so much!