I often forget how much my past affects how I react to others today. I often feel slighted, I fear abandonment, and I tend to take things personally but I know I've made progress because I can see other people's perspectives first now before I fly off the handle, lol.
This past weekend, I saw that my bf had cut the grass even though he had hurt his back. I chastised him and said that I was going to do it soon once the work week was over. Then, I caught him (yes, I'm using that term purposely) cleaning the bathroom!! EEK...wtf was he thinking? I said, AGAIN, "Hey I was going to do that after I dropped you off at the airport." Well, at this point he was frustrated and just said, "Yeah, well you said that about the grass. I'm just doing what needs to be done." I left the room.
An hour later, literally 2 minutes before we have to head to the airport, I see him dusting the front hallway credenza!!! WTF was he thinking? I, again, said the same damn thing and at this point I've pushed his buttons. He smirked and said, "Don't worry there's lots of work to be done around here that I'm sure you can get finished."
See, I actually was pissed off that he was doing, what I considered to be, my job. I sat and meditated about the whole thing and I realized that when I was married to my alcoholic, I was super woman. I ran the house, I cleaned everything, I cut the grass, did the cooking, pulled the weeds, remembered to take the trash out, etc. Remember the commercial from the 70s, "I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan.......etc" That was me. And, I never let my alcoholic ex forget the fact that I did everything and he did nothing.
I gave myself a lot of pats on the back for being so capable and so much better than my XAH. Don't get in my way or try to clean something that's on my list! That's MINE and I can do it myself because I have always been doing it myself, thank you very much.
It was one of the few things I had control of: how the house was cleaned, what meals were cooked, etc. I had control of the HOUSE. Since I couldn't control my XAH's alcoholism, I had to find something that was MINE to fix, mine to have domain over. So, when my bf stepped on my toes unwittingly, he was frustrated by my reaction. I don't blame him. He was right, there's plenty to clean in this house, lol. Instead of just thanking him, I saw it as an infraction against my ego.
By the way, I wrote him a card and thanked him for all that he does around the house. I told him that I was not used to having a partner who pulls their own weight and that it throws me off when he does so. I expressed my gratitude and told him I loved him. He was grateful for the honesty, as well. Without program and awareness, I'd still be that crazy b*tch. I didn't even know I was crazy when I lived with the disease of alcoholism but I still carry those wounds around with me. So grateful to program because I've learned to step back, to respond instead of react (or to at least figure out why I reacted the way I did). I hope this helps some of you here on the boards. Hugs and Happy Wednesday all!
serenity47 said
Aug 24, 2016
Great post. Thanks for sharing it. I to have been guilty of trying to be super woman and not accepting and appreciating help. The thought of asking for help was horrifying to me lol and I am in the helping profession!! Life is so much easier when I have learned its ok to not be in charge and responsible for everything and other people really can and will step up if I allow it.
Iamhere said
Aug 24, 2016
Great program work here - thanks so much for sharing. I can so relate to so much of what you wrote. Keep coming back - your shares always brighten my day!!
SerenityRUS said
Aug 25, 2016
Hugs Andromeda,
You always make me smile. :)
So good to see you having some positive reflection in the crazy world of why do I act that way?! I explain my x's behavior by saying he's an alcoholic .. LOL .. I explain mine by saying I lived with the dysfunction that I did and I process it the way I do, which means I flip from one extreme to the other .. of my reactions based on the situation. That in itself is crazy making .. LOL.
Lovely awareness .. that is an awesome place to be.
Hugs S :)
Doingmybest said
Aug 25, 2016
I love this thread! It reminds me of something said at my last meeting. I am one of those (I can do it myself) ladies too, but I no longer can "hang" with the ladies who "do it all"! Lol.
I'm still having issues about the house and the mess, because it makes me feel better to have a clean, fresh smelling home! My sponsor and I discussed this too. She helped me see (somewhat, because I don't yet have a grasp on it..lol) that I was trying to control by my efforts to do it all. She pointed this out because she too had (maybe still has...I don't know yet) this compulsion.
You are very blessed to have found such a loving and understanding partner. What an amazing person! I can't even imagine my RAH dusting. It makes me laugh inside to think of it. And, when he does clean (only the camper after a stay) it is almost laughable. He works 100 times harder and ends up missing 50% of the problem areas...then wonders why it doesn't feel clean or smell fresh. I still love that he tries and I go a couple of times a year and strip clean the whole thing. Of course, I also clean if I am staying there, but we haven't gone there to stay since he quit drinking. I think because it was a place he WENT TO DRINK and is thus a trigger for him and a reminder for me. One day, we will go and enjoy a day or two of peace and quiet. For now, I am happy here, just enjoying the wonderful air conditioning and not having to deal with another place to clean.
You did a great job in realizing and owing your "control" issue and I applaud you. Many of us are still there, wondering how we made somebody else mad by "helping" and "looking out" for them, when we were actually attempting to control someone else.
I often forget how much my past affects how I react to others today. I often feel slighted, I fear abandonment, and I tend to take things personally but I know I've made progress because I can see other people's perspectives first now before I fly off the handle, lol.
This past weekend, I saw that my bf had cut the grass even though he had hurt his back. I chastised him and said that I was going to do it soon once the work week was over. Then, I caught him (yes, I'm using that term purposely) cleaning the bathroom!! EEK...wtf was he thinking? I said, AGAIN, "Hey I was going to do that after I dropped you off at the airport." Well, at this point he was frustrated and just said, "Yeah, well you said that about the grass. I'm just doing what needs to be done." I left the room.
An hour later, literally 2 minutes before we have to head to the airport, I see him dusting the front hallway credenza!!! WTF was he thinking? I, again, said the same damn thing and at this point I've pushed his buttons. He smirked and said, "Don't worry there's lots of work to be done around here that I'm sure you can get finished."
See, I actually was pissed off that he was doing, what I considered to be, my job. I sat and meditated about the whole thing and I realized that when I was married to my alcoholic, I was super woman. I ran the house, I cleaned everything, I cut the grass, did the cooking, pulled the weeds, remembered to take the trash out, etc. Remember the commercial from the 70s, "I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan.......etc" That was me. And, I never let my alcoholic ex forget the fact that I did everything and he did nothing.
I gave myself a lot of pats on the back for being so capable and so much better than my XAH. Don't get in my way or try to clean something that's on my list! That's MINE and I can do it myself because I have always been doing it myself, thank you very much.
It was one of the few things I had control of: how the house was cleaned, what meals were cooked, etc. I had control of the HOUSE. Since I couldn't control my XAH's alcoholism, I had to find something that was MINE to fix, mine to have domain over. So, when my bf stepped on my toes unwittingly, he was frustrated by my reaction. I don't blame him. He was right, there's plenty to clean in this house, lol. Instead of just thanking him, I saw it as an infraction against my ego.
By the way, I wrote him a card and thanked him for all that he does around the house. I told him that I was not used to having a partner who pulls their own weight and that it throws me off when he does so. I expressed my gratitude and told him I loved him. He was grateful for the honesty, as well. Without program and awareness, I'd still be that crazy b*tch. I didn't even know I was crazy when I lived with the disease of alcoholism but I still carry those wounds around with me. So grateful to program because I've learned to step back, to respond instead of react (or to at least figure out why I reacted the way I did). I hope this helps some of you here on the boards. Hugs and Happy Wednesday all!
You always make me smile. :)
So good to see you having some positive reflection in the crazy world of why do I act that way?! I explain my x's behavior by saying he's an alcoholic .. LOL .. I explain mine by saying I lived with the dysfunction that I did and I process it the way I do, which means I flip from one extreme to the other .. of my reactions based on the situation. That in itself is crazy making .. LOL.
Lovely awareness .. that is an awesome place to be.
Hugs S :)
I'm still having issues about the house and the mess, because it makes me feel better to have a clean, fresh smelling home! My sponsor and I discussed this too. She helped me see (somewhat, because I don't yet have a grasp on it..lol) that I was trying to control by my efforts to do it all. She pointed this out because she too had (maybe still has...I don't know yet) this compulsion.
You are very blessed to have found such a loving and understanding partner. What an amazing person! I can't even imagine my RAH dusting. It makes me laugh inside to think of it. And, when he does clean (only the camper after a stay) it is almost laughable. He works 100 times harder and ends up missing 50% of the problem areas...then wonders why it doesn't feel clean or smell fresh. I still love that he tries and I go a couple of times a year and strip clean the whole thing. Of course, I also clean if I am staying there, but we haven't gone there to stay since he quit drinking. I think because it was a place he WENT TO DRINK and is thus a trigger for him and a reminder for me. One day, we will go and enjoy a day or two of peace and quiet. For now, I am happy here, just enjoying the wonderful air conditioning and not having to deal with another place to clean.
You did a great job in realizing and owing your "control" issue and I applaud you. Many of us are still there, wondering how we made somebody else mad by "helping" and "looking out" for them, when we were actually attempting to control someone else.
Great Job!