"We can pave the way for calm, reasonable communication only if we first find healthy outlets for our own negative feelings." ~ The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage
Todays reading features an AlAnon member reflecting on the unpleasant change anger brought upon their character. The author had made improvements on displays of anger since coming into the program, noting that anger is not an acceptable reason to display destructive behavior toward others, including the alcoholic.
The reading notes that angry behavior may be displayed in many ways, from loud outbursts to smoldering silence. Like suffering, however, our behavior is a choice, and we can choose to work on displaying our feelings in a more respectful, healthy way.
When reading this I thought back to my own angry reactions to alcoholic behavior, and remember feeling justified in my outbursts, feeling that their behavior was somehow worse than mine. Losing my temper became a release for many of the feelings of helplessness, frustration and fear from trying to run someone elses recovery.
AlAnon helped me see that I had no right to treat anyone like that. If I was unhappy with how things were around me, only I could do anything about it; it had to start with me. No more excusing my behavior because the alcoholic in my life was doing xyz. As long as I continue making excuses for myself, the insanity will continue.
Anger is a toughie for me, as it is for many others. But like so many other challenges I hauled in with me to AlAnon, I can feel the burden grow lighter as I try to work the program every day. I am so grateful for the wisdom of the program
-- Edited by Enigmatic on Wednesday 24th of August 2016 06:13:51 AM -
-- Edited by Enigmatic on Wednesday 24th of August 2016 06:15:00 AM
gabigail said
Aug 24, 2016
Thank you Enigmatic-
I feel the same way, that anger is the one area I struggle. Growing up, all of us in my family reacted in anger. I'm learning through the program that learning how to respond versus reacting is helping me in my recovery. Though I'm far from perfect, and I fall back on old patterns. When I feel the most powerless is when I start reacting. Then I go back to Step 1 and admit my powerlessness, and give it to my HP. Progress, not perfection, right? Thanks for this reading today!
hotrod said
Aug 24, 2016
Hi Paul Great topic. I am so grateful to alanon for providing me with the constructive tools that helps me to respond to all my feelings in a healthy manner.
Prior to program, I would change all of my feelings into anger. I never realized that this was a habit that I developed growing up, until I worked the steps and began examining my motives. I discovered that by doing this,. I felt powerful and in control.innocent of any wrongdoing and the perfect victim.
I am so pleased that I have learned to keep the focus on myself, own my true feelings without blaming others, understand that feelings are not facts, and not react but to respond in a healthy fashion. I am no longer willing to sacrifice my serenity in any situation. Responding by placing principles above personalities is my go to response.
Thanks for your service and have a lovely day
.
Iamhere said
Aug 24, 2016
Thank you Paul for your service and the daily. Thank you also for the ESH above me. It was slow to sink in for me that by changing me, I could affect a change around me. I responded to almost anything and everything with anger. That was my go-to protective mode of responding. The program and my sponsor showed me that I could actually take some time, look beyond the anger, find the underlying emotion and respond differently or not at all.....what a concept!
Most of my responses before program came out as angry always. I learned that often it's fear or sadness or disappointment instead and my reactions were over the top and over-rated. After all, who would want to be constantly on the receiving end of righteous indignation from another - no matter who they are?
Keeping my focus on me helps me grow and change, and that's given me peace and serenity like I never expected.
Make it a great day all - it's been a busy, busy week for me - hope it's been a great one for everyone!!
Enigmatic said
Aug 24, 2016
Thank you gabigail, hotrod, and Iam for your added thoughts; so many ring true for me as well. Before I found AlAnon, I would have denied displaying anger often; I was discounting the times that I perceived my angry behavior as "justified". And as it turns out, I was pretty good at justifying, particularly around the alcoholic.
No more "free passes", time for personal accountability. As you all noted, there is something beneath the anger that is trying to push through. I am grateful for the wisdom of AlAnon and the ESH of the fellowship that continue to help me identify and reduce their impact on my life
unbroken13 said
Aug 24, 2016
Thank you Paul,
Now here is a topic I can relate to...I am an all pro when it comes to anger. Not near as bad as it was, now as good as it could be. Here is how it used to be....AH says something maybe not so nice...then i responded with something even more not so nice but in a much higher tone than his and then it would really get ugly! I do not miss the ugly....Here is how it goes now....AH says something maybe not so nice...me I say mmm hmmm..or turn my head and go about my business and say nothing...he will try me a few times....and then quit...all the while the anger is building in me...and I have to stop think and breath and say to myself is it really worth the words you want to say...nope..it is never worth it....now i slip now and then...probably because I had already had a not so good day...and that is on me and I have to learn how to turn that around...but anger used to be my middle name....now it is Eileen...lol....God Bless!
KennyFenderjazz said
Aug 26, 2016
Enigmatic wrote:
...
When reading this I thought back to my own angry reactions to alcoholic behavior, and remember feeling justified in my outbursts, feeling that their behavior was somehow worse than mine. Losing my temper became a release for many of the feelings of helplessness, frustration and fear from trying to run someone elses recovery.
AlAnon helped me see that I had no right to treat anyone like that. If I was unhappy with how things were around me, only I could do anything about it; it had to start with me. No more excusing my behavior because the alcoholic in my life was doing xyz. As long as I continue making excuses for myself, the insanity will continue.
I remember when I started to get clarity around this issue. At my wife's first DUI, she lost her license for a couple months, and she got a job during then, so I drove her to work. I told myself I didn't mind it, but resentment of the "cumpolsory" task would come up in the back of my mind, and I would sit and smolder the 20 minutes it took to get there. I was in total denial that I was angry though, to me "smoldering" wasn't anger. Well, it is, and it's an anger that can't be addressed by the target of the anger. The second DUI, I didn't drive her to work because she lost that job due to her DUIs. But I did drive her some to AA meetings, and I was a different person because I had found Al Anon and figured out what the heck was happening inside me to cause the resentments, and to discuss with her if there was a problem where I didn't have the energy or whatever to drive her that night. Much better...
"We can pave the way for calm, reasonable communication only if we first find healthy outlets for our own negative feelings." ~ The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage
Todays reading features an AlAnon member reflecting on the unpleasant change anger brought upon their character. The author had made improvements on displays of anger since coming into the program, noting that anger is not an acceptable reason to display destructive behavior toward others, including the alcoholic.
The reading notes that angry behavior may be displayed in many ways, from loud outbursts to smoldering silence. Like suffering, however, our behavior is a choice, and we can choose to work on displaying our feelings in a more respectful, healthy way.
When reading this I thought back to my own angry reactions to alcoholic behavior, and remember feeling justified in my outbursts, feeling that their behavior was somehow worse than mine. Losing my temper became a release for many of the feelings of helplessness, frustration and fear from trying to run someone elses recovery.
AlAnon helped me see that I had no right to treat anyone like that. If I was unhappy with how things were around me, only I could do anything about it; it had to start with me. No more excusing my behavior because the alcoholic in my life was doing xyz. As long as I continue making excuses for myself, the insanity will continue.
Anger is a toughie for me, as it is for many others. But like so many other challenges I hauled in with me to AlAnon, I can feel the burden grow lighter as I try to work the program every day. I am so grateful for the wisdom of the program
-- Edited by Enigmatic on Wednesday 24th of August 2016 06:13:51 AM -
-- Edited by Enigmatic on Wednesday 24th of August 2016 06:15:00 AM
I feel the same way, that anger is the one area I struggle. Growing up, all of us in my family reacted in anger. I'm learning through the program that learning how to respond versus reacting is helping me in my recovery. Though I'm far from perfect, and I fall back on old patterns. When I feel the most powerless is when I start reacting. Then I go back to Step 1 and admit my powerlessness, and give it to my HP. Progress, not perfection, right? Thanks for this reading today!
Most of my responses before program came out as angry always. I learned that often it's fear or sadness or disappointment instead and my reactions were over the top and over-rated. After all, who would want to be constantly on the receiving end of righteous indignation from another - no matter who they are?
Keeping my focus on me helps me grow and change, and that's given me peace and serenity like I never expected.
Make it a great day all - it's been a busy, busy week for me - hope it's been a great one for everyone!!
No more "free passes", time for personal accountability. As you all noted, there is something beneath the anger that is trying to push through. I am grateful for the wisdom of AlAnon and the ESH of the fellowship that continue to help me identify and reduce their impact on my life
Now here is a topic I can relate to...I am an all pro when it comes to anger. Not near as bad as it was, now as good as it could be. Here is how it used to be....AH says something maybe not so nice...then i responded with something even more not so nice but in a much higher tone than his and then it would really get ugly! I do not miss the ugly....Here is how it goes now....AH says something maybe not so nice...me I say mmm hmmm..or turn my head and go about my business and say nothing...he will try me a few times....and then quit...all the while the anger is building in me...and I have to stop think and breath and say to myself is it really worth the words you want to say...nope..it is never worth it....now i slip now and then...probably because I had already had a not so good day...and that is on me and I have to learn how to turn that around...but anger used to be my middle name....now it is Eileen...lol....God Bless!
I remember when I started to get clarity around this issue. At my wife's first DUI, she lost her license for a couple months, and she got a job during then, so I drove her to work. I told myself I didn't mind it, but resentment of the "cumpolsory" task would come up in the back of my mind, and I would sit and smolder the 20 minutes it took to get there. I was in total denial that I was angry though, to me "smoldering" wasn't anger. Well, it is, and it's an anger that can't be addressed by the target of the anger. The second DUI, I didn't drive her to work because she lost that job due to her DUIs. But I did drive her some to AA meetings, and I was a different person because I had found Al Anon and figured out what the heck was happening inside me to cause the resentments, and to discuss with her if there was a problem where I didn't have the energy or whatever to drive her that night. Much better...
Thanks for the reading Paul