ABF silent/avoiding me on social media and messenger
littlewing88 said
Aug 23, 2016
Hi guys, I have posted here before when things were not great but still okay. My SO has relapsed again and I have not spoken to him since the beginning of this month, when he called to tell me that he relapsed. We spoke for about an hour, I was mostly confused and he said that he struggles with opening up to those close to him when he relapses even though he knows he should and it would help. He also told me despite everything he wanted me to still be a part of his life and asked me what I wanted to do. I have been struggling through some family issues myself, which he knows and understands about. So I just told him that I could not make us a priority right now. And I was open and honest with him. But I did not say that I wanted to end things, and I have made it clear that I just want to focus on family for now. After a while we were both silent and his phone hung up. I haven't heard from him since but I know he posts to social media and skype pretty consistently (he's a high functioning A I guess or makes it seem to be) and has not spoken to me at all since then. I can't stop myself from thinking if he has the energy to post on facebook he has the means to say "i'm okay" or "i'm sorry I missed you I got pretty smashed last night" (which he's done before) I appreciate honesty over silence even when things are bad. That's what has always worked for us.
I am detaching as best I can, I have not been messaging non stop, aside when I feel I absolutely have needed to say something. I have been through times where it takes him a month to get back to me. I guess my question is, is he avoiding me because he knows that I care and I won't put up with this s*** and enable him, and also that he's ashamed to talk to me, in his state? That's usually been the case but I don't know. I just feel like if he has the energy to post platitudes about things that don't matter (concisely and coherently) you can spare 30 seconds to let me know you're okay, or not okay. I know that's human and selfish and placing an expectation but that's just a feeling I have now. Why is he ignoring me and avoidant? Is this disease like PTSD in a sense that the more someone says that they support you and that they're there for you they just pull away more? Because that's what this feels like a lot of the time. And it just sucks.
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 23rd of August 2016 08:35:14 PM
hotrod said
Aug 23, 2016
Hi Littlewing I am sorry that you are in pain and am pleased that you reached out
I have heard it said that active alcoholics are not capable of having a reciprocal relationship and instead of a relationship they take hostages. The disease causes them to manipulate and control situations and people in order to obtain what they need.
Please take the focus off him and place it on yourself and keep coming back. There is hope
pinkchip said
Aug 23, 2016
You are obsessing about him and "why" he does this or that. Easy answer: He is a sick alcoholic. Period. With all the love and kindness in my heart, I am suggesting you spend time focused on someone who matters so much more...YOU!
serenity47 said
Aug 24, 2016
Who knows what he is thinking/feeling/doing? I to spent a lot of precious time trying to figure out what the alcoholic in my life was up to also and it only served to disturb me more and more. Put the focus on yourself, your thoughts, your needs and desires. When and if the time comes that he finds sobriety and you still want to be a part of his life you can then make that decision from a place of strength.
Calm Lady said
Aug 24, 2016
I would also encourage you to take kind care of yourself.
KennyFenderjazz said
Aug 24, 2016
It does suck. If you feel it's time to focus on your family, perhaps that is the only way he knows how to do it at this point, given the emotional state he is in. After all, you were the one that requested that you be able to focus on your family, so now you should be able to since he has pulled out of the picture.
Kenny
CyndiODAT said
Aug 24, 2016
I learned (likely too late) that my exAH's problem was not MY problem. My reaction to his problem was a BIG problem though. I had become this unhealthy, sad, obsessive woman, literally sick (physically all the time.. colds, injuries etc) I used to have a sponsor back in the early days of my program - I emailed her daily. After a week she wrote to me and said that she did not want to see any mention of my husband in any further emails to her. She was there to help ME, not HIM.
I remember trying to type the next email to her. No matter what I started to write about, I somehow made it about him, and would find myself backspacing and re-typing. I tried to focus on me and came up with nothing. I wrote to her, one line that said, 'I don't even know who I am or what I feel anymore." She applauded me for taking even THAT step towards self awareness, sad as it was, it was my reality.
My favorite Al-Anon saying... at least it's where I always here it... "let go or be dragged".
Keep coming back!
Hugs,
Cyndi
Aerin said
Aug 24, 2016
I agree with everyone else. I too am learning to focus on ME instead of wondering why he plays games and/or what they mean. Sometimes no answer is your answer.
Iamhere said
Aug 24, 2016
I learned in Al-Anon that rejection from another is protection from God. It's my calling to work on me, work on my recovery and be gentle with me.
Detaching is a lot easier when I am ignored....
Doingmybest said
Aug 25, 2016
An alcoholic "hears" something way different that what you "say" and perspective is a powerful thing. Reading, then rereading your post, gave me a chance to really think about what you said. If I understood correctly, you told him you wanted to concentrate on your family. Although you never "said" you didn't want to be in contact with him, perhaps he "heard" exactly that. In the grips of active alcoholism, a person cannot understand nuances and often they hear what they "expect" to hear, rather than exactly what we say.
I also noted that you said: "I have not been messaging non-stop, aside when I have ......". What this says to me is that you have been messaging non-stop on some occasions, when the lack of contact became too great for you. It also says to me that you, likeI, have a history of non-stop messaging when we feel it is important to make contact. I am NOT judging!!! I am saying that I did the exact same thing to my now RAH! I could concentrate on nothing else but whether or not I had gotten the response that I needed...because he was (and if I am truly honest...sometime still is) my addiction.
I am doing so much better because I will text (he travels). I will text a second time (honestly because we have both discussed this and parts of our state and his employment have dead zones or cell phone blockers) and if I have not heard a response within an hour or so (even shorter depending on the text), then I send a final text saying "You must be tied up. I love you and hope your day goes well. I'm exhausted and going to go on to bed." That is it. I cannot really ever know where he is or what is is doing and I do not want to mess with his job. It is important that I respect him and that I respect his choices to respond or not. It is also important that I not obsess over his every move and every word he says or does not say. Am I perfect now? NO WAY! Am I a much happier person? ABSOLUTELY!
I only bring out these points because I know how it feels and I understand. Though married, as opposed to dating, I was so obsessed with my husband that I could not live my own life. I truly believe AA and AlAnon (Recovery) is the only reason we are still married and most certainly the only reason we are happy. This Too Shall Pass and the Serenity Prayer are life savers for me when I become lost in an obsession.
If you are not going to meetings, please consider them. Please consider going, even if you feel AlAnon has nothing to offer. I honestly believe AlAnon gave me my life. I would say gave back my life, but I think I have had issues since childhood and I now know how those issues played into the behaviors I am addressing within myself.
Hi guys, I have posted here before when things were not great but still okay. My SO has relapsed again and I have not spoken to him since the beginning of this month, when he called to tell me that he relapsed. We spoke for about an hour, I was mostly confused and he said that he struggles with opening up to those close to him when he relapses even though he knows he should and it would help. He also told me despite everything he wanted me to still be a part of his life and asked me what I wanted to do. I have been struggling through some family issues myself, which he knows and understands about. So I just told him that I could not make us a priority right now. And I was open and honest with him. But I did not say that I wanted to end things, and I have made it clear that I just want to focus on family for now. After a while we were both silent and his phone hung up. I haven't heard from him since but I know he posts to social media and skype pretty consistently (he's a high functioning A I guess or makes it seem to be) and has not spoken to me at all since then. I can't stop myself from thinking if he has the energy to post on facebook he has the means to say "i'm okay" or "i'm sorry I missed you I got pretty smashed last night" (which he's done before) I appreciate honesty over silence even when things are bad. That's what has always worked for us.
I am detaching as best I can, I have not been messaging non stop, aside when I feel I absolutely have needed to say something. I have been through times where it takes him a month to get back to me. I guess my question is, is he avoiding me because he knows that I care and I won't put up with this s*** and enable him, and also that he's ashamed to talk to me, in his state? That's usually been the case but I don't know. I just feel like if he has the energy to post platitudes about things that don't matter (concisely and coherently) you can spare 30 seconds to let me know you're okay, or not okay. I know that's human and selfish and placing an expectation but that's just a feeling I have now. Why is he ignoring me and avoidant? Is this disease like PTSD in a sense that the more someone says that they support you and that they're there for you they just pull away more? Because that's what this feels like a lot of the time. And it just sucks.
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 23rd of August 2016 08:35:14 PM
Hi Littlewing I am sorry that you are in pain and am pleased that you reached out
I have heard it said that active alcoholics are not capable of having a reciprocal relationship and instead of a relationship they take hostages. The disease causes them to manipulate and control situations and people in order to obtain what they need.
Please take the focus off him and place it on yourself and keep coming back. There is hope
Kenny
I remember trying to type the next email to her. No matter what I started to write about, I somehow made it about him, and would find myself backspacing and re-typing. I tried to focus on me and came up with nothing. I wrote to her, one line that said, 'I don't even know who I am or what I feel anymore." She applauded me for taking even THAT step towards self awareness, sad as it was, it was my reality.
My favorite Al-Anon saying... at least it's where I always here it... "let go or be dragged".
Keep coming back!
Hugs,
Cyndi
Detaching is a lot easier when I am ignored....
An alcoholic "hears" something way different that what you "say" and perspective is a powerful thing. Reading, then rereading your post, gave me a chance to really think about what you said. If I understood correctly, you told him you wanted to concentrate on your family. Although you never "said" you didn't want to be in contact with him, perhaps he "heard" exactly that. In the grips of active alcoholism, a person cannot understand nuances and often they hear what they "expect" to hear, rather than exactly what we say.
I also noted that you said: "I have not been messaging non-stop, aside when I have ......". What this says to me is that you have been messaging non-stop on some occasions, when the lack of contact became too great for you. It also says to me that you, like I, have a history of non-stop messaging when we feel it is important to make contact. I am NOT judging!!! I am saying that I did the exact same thing to my now RAH! I could concentrate on nothing else but whether or not I had gotten the response that I needed...because he was (and if I am truly honest...sometime still is) my addiction.
I am doing so much better because I will text (he travels). I will text a second time (honestly because we have both discussed this and parts of our state and his employment have dead zones or cell phone blockers) and if I have not heard a response within an hour or so (even shorter depending on the text), then I send a final text saying "You must be tied up. I love you and hope your day goes well. I'm exhausted and going to go on to bed." That is it. I cannot really ever know where he is or what is is doing and I do not want to mess with his job. It is important that I respect him and that I respect his choices to respond or not. It is also important that I not obsess over his every move and every word he says or does not say. Am I perfect now? NO WAY! Am I a much happier person? ABSOLUTELY!
I only bring out these points because I know how it feels and I understand. Though married, as opposed to dating, I was so obsessed with my husband that I could not live my own life. I truly believe AA and AlAnon (Recovery) is the only reason we are still married and most certainly the only reason we are happy. This Too Shall Pass and the Serenity Prayer are life savers for me when I become lost in an obsession.
If you are not going to meetings, please consider them. Please consider going, even if you feel AlAnon has nothing to offer. I honestly believe AlAnon gave me my life. I would say gave back my life, but I think I have had issues since childhood and I now know how those issues played into the behaviors I am addressing within myself.