Since my last post here I feel like I, myself, have gotten worse. As of June, I had moved out and set boundaries that my ABF would not be around me drinking, come to my house drunk or drinking, etc. But after finding out that he was drinking behind my back, he wanted to show me that he could handle drinking again. After all, he argued that he would drink 3-6 beers and then come hang out with me and I didn't even notice. So I asked if he was capable of that, why we ever had a problem. He couldn't answer it. He started by saying he just wanted one night a week to let loose and have like 6 drinks. That didn't last very long before he began having 3-6 drinks every night. And it's been fine. But now I'm beginning to worry that this is just building right back up. He likes to go to the bowling alley, shoot pool, and have drinks. I started going with him and it actually wasn't a bad time. But today he wanted to go, so we went at 4:30 and we left around 6 and came back to my house. Around 8:30 he said he was bored and wanted to go back out to play more pool. This is where I began to panic and basically begged him not to go. He really wasn't understanding my anxiety and kept making statements like "you're always upset. you're always crying. I can't do anything fun." or said that I shouldn't be upset because there are people out there who've been punched in the face or beaten by an alcoholic. What have I done to you? Gotten really drunk and said mean things or raised a hand?" I can't help but be upset when he says things like that to me. In one moment he can tell me he understands why I am the way I am and that he hopes positive experiences will help with that. In the next breath he's saying things like that to me that discount how he's treated me when he's drunk. I just feel like I can't win. I feel like I have to accept some kind of drinking behavior from him. I know I don't HAVE to accept anything. But I want him, I just wish he could stick to his word. I wish he felt even for a second what I feel when he's out drinking. It's crippling. There is no other word for it than sheer panic. And I just wait it out until he goes home or I know he's safe. He says I manipulate him by telling him I'm anxious or asking him not to go. I don't even know what to make of things anymore. They were supposed to be getting better and I can't tell if they are or not. I just feel so sad and lonely like nobody around me understands me, what I'm going through, or what I'm saying.
Aerin said
Aug 21, 2016
Oh trust me, everyone on this board will understand! Pretty much all our A's say the EXACT same things. I said recently it is like they are handed out a script to read from! One thing I have been told is without serious recovery they will never see things through our eyes because their disease doesn't allow them too. I know it is so fustrating to accept. Stay on this board and you will get more answers in the morning I am sure. A lot of good people with good way of explaing the reality of what is going on.
jocelgp said
Aug 21, 2016
(((Hugs))) I tried to accept it, but I never really did, I meant my AH drinking habit. The promise not to drink started day 1 before I agreed to marry him. It still remains to be fulfilled after 20 years. I was so lost, confused and everything else felt by those who came to this board. I came here in 2011 and still kept coming back. This is where I learn about the nature of the disease and the person inflicted with it. I was able to relate and identify, I felt some sense of clarity. This message board became my somewhat my f2f meetings because there's none where I live. I come here either to share or to read almost daily and at times several times in a day, I read new shares and even old shares. I was able to accept ME: that drinking is still unacceptable and I think I never will and that is my boundary; that I cannot change him, I cannot help him, everything else is up to him. Everyday we will meet new challenges in dealing with the alcoholic whether they're drinking, not drinking or promising not to drink. Choices and decisions are MINE to make as I hear/read the ESHs shared by the rest here. Step 3 is very important to me when making life changing decisions and choices, as well as something about taking things slow (I couldn't remember the exact phrase). Also Step 11 is a source of strength and lifeline.
I wish and pray for your recovery, keep coming back, I felt very welcomed here.
Love,
Jocel
Jerry F said
Aug 21, 2016
God Madow it almost seems like I had written that one myself in the past. Early on before I got into Al-Anon I had the same thoughts, feelings and perceptions every new comer had and I felt I would never ever get out of the crises. My ex-daughter-in-law just left my house and I listened to her and I felt like she had found my diary from the past. Her alcoholic/addict...my eldest son reminds her of her father and every other alcoholic/addict we have known in the past. We can learn how to accept it as the program teaches and then not react in the same sick way we use to. Keep coming back and participating with this family. Al-Anon works when we work it. ((((hugs))))
a4l said
Aug 22, 2016
Welcome. It took me a really time to realise that I didn't have to like what I had to accept. Acceptance is something we practice for our own sanity. Like an alcoholic may be in denial, however that looks/sounds, and that can be their reality, it doesn't have to be mine. I accept the person is an alcoholic and a bunch of stuff that comes with it which I don't like, I accept that I have no control over their disease, so I try not to be lord of their lives and focus on mine. Some days are better than others. But that was gold to me, knowing i do not have to like what I nonetheless accept. Acceptance, forgiveness, before alanon were concepts I resisted because they were misrepresented to me. Keep coming back.
el-cee said
Aug 22, 2016
I can relate to your feelings. Your post is all about the drinker and I remember putting my life and feelings, moods etc in the hands of an alcoholic too and then wondering why I was miserable. Have you considered that you may be obsessed with him and addicted to the drama of the life with a drinker? I was and it was a hard addiction to break. Alanon meetings help break that addiction and help you see the reality of the situation. I got to see myself as an individual and others the same. He has the right to drink, hes an adult, you cant change him or his choices but you can learn to think clearer and see what choices are yours and his.
KT2015 said
Aug 22, 2016
Hi Madow,
I can relate to your post as well. I felt very much the same way as you and I honestly thought if my husband loved me he would not drink because I told him how much difficulty it caused me. I have come to realize that alcoholism is a disease that I have absolutely no control over and neither does my AH. He believes he has control over it. He tells me often of his plan to cut back or to decrease his drinking for health reasons. And time and again he fails. He may succeed in cutting back for a week but he can't sustain it. He is compelled to drink and he can't just turn it off and he can't see his inability to turn it off. So when I would pin my happiness to weather or not he was drinking it was a recipe for misery. My AH doesn't drink to upset me he drinks because he is compelled to do so and he has a disease. He has to come to the realization himself and no amount of arguing, crying, begging and pleading or yelling will get him to see that.
I can reason with my AH when he is sober about many other things money, parenting issues, the division of household chores but I cannot reason with him about alcohol. So I don't try to make him see my side of it anymore because he just can't. I have set boundaries with him that work for me. The boundaries are for me not for him. I simply choose to do something else or to end conversations when he's drinking. Not as a punishment or a lesson but as a way of emotionally protecting myself. I simply don't like being around him when he's at a certain level of intoxication and I won't be. Putting this boundary in place was hard, I made a lot of errors along the way and stumbled through it but it works for me. Realizing that I had choices and I didn't have to focus so much on him helped me get better. It helped me enjoy my life, find new and interesting things to do and try, accomplish more than I thought possible. Every day I am growing thanks to this program.
If you aren't already attending a face to face group I would recommend that you do that.
Wishing you all the best.
Jerry F said
Aug 22, 2016
KT your growth is showing and is inspiring. Glad you bought that message back to the family. ((((hugs))))
KT2015 said
Aug 22, 2016
thanks Jerry! I truly appreciate that! It means a lot to me.
Debbiekorolew said
Aug 28, 2016
Hi I'm new to this site and wish to get some help dealing with my oldest son being an alcoholic and my youngest son has done some hard drugs, pills and now smoke pot everyday. I blame myself everyday about their addiction even though I know they made the choices, they were raised in a happy healthy home with no addictions so this has been very hard for me to understand and as you can understand in my mind it makes no sense. I want to stop crying everyday and be able to live my life without feeling I failed them both the guilt is over welming. I know boundaries need to be set and some have been but having trouble set more that need to be in place. Thanks for listening.
Jerry F said
Aug 28, 2016
Deb welcome to the family...this family of members who have come to understand tons of the truths about the disease of alcoholism and addiction to mind and mood altering chemicals. One of the things to help you understand and cease blaming yourself is that our qualifiers (family members, friends and associates who drink and use which leads us here) is that they have literally an army of drinking and using supporters that you have not met and on a daily basis are helping them to stay away from all thoughts, feelings and actions to stop drinking and using. You don't have a chance. You did not Cause this, you cannot Control it and you will not Cure it. Those are our three "C"s of recovery. Might as well work on tools that hold you away from self blame. Their army also includes manufacturers, distribution, and sales organizations which have huge facilities and finances to keep our alcoholic and addicts attentions including the governments and medical industries. I gave up and let my alcoholics drink till they dropped hoping that the crash to the side walk would be more painful than the hangover and they would seek change. I pray for that drop for every alcoholic, addict and victim of the disease. Keep coming back...you have family here. ((((hugs))))
Iamhere said
Aug 28, 2016
I too welcome you Deb to the MIP family - so glad you found us and glad that you joined right in. You are correct that it is very, very painful to watch those we love travel a dark and dangerous path. I would not be sane or here if I had not found Al-Anon. The Al-Anon family embraced me with love, support and understanding which helped me realize and know I was not alone.
The program helps us understand more about the disease, how enabling can prolong the disease and how we can detach with love and establish boundaries for our own sanity. We work on us and learn how to better react to the disease and the diseased. I truly hope you can find and attend local Al-Anon meetings - the MIP family is awesome and supportive but having local support for me was a necessity in my recovery.
One of the first things I heard was the three C(s) that Jerry mentions above. When I heard that from others who had been on this path, I felt as if I was able to breathe deeply for the first time in a long, long while.
You are not alone - there is help and hope. Keep coming back!
hotrod said
Aug 28, 2016
Welcome Debbie There is help and hope available. Please do reach out to alanon meetings and keep coming back here was well.
Alcoholism is a disease over which we are powerless. We did not cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it. Please remind yourself of this often
Since my last post here I feel like I, myself, have gotten worse. As of June, I had moved out and set boundaries that my ABF would not be around me drinking, come to my house drunk or drinking, etc. But after finding out that he was drinking behind my back, he wanted to show me that he could handle drinking again. After all, he argued that he would drink 3-6 beers and then come hang out with me and I didn't even notice. So I asked if he was capable of that, why we ever had a problem. He couldn't answer it. He started by saying he just wanted one night a week to let loose and have like 6 drinks. That didn't last very long before he began having 3-6 drinks every night. And it's been fine. But now I'm beginning to worry that this is just building right back up. He likes to go to the bowling alley, shoot pool, and have drinks. I started going with him and it actually wasn't a bad time. But today he wanted to go, so we went at 4:30 and we left around 6 and came back to my house. Around 8:30 he said he was bored and wanted to go back out to play more pool. This is where I began to panic and basically begged him not to go. He really wasn't understanding my anxiety and kept making statements like "you're always upset. you're always crying. I can't do anything fun." or said that I shouldn't be upset because there are people out there who've been punched in the face or beaten by an alcoholic. What have I done to you? Gotten really drunk and said mean things or raised a hand?" I can't help but be upset when he says things like that to me. In one moment he can tell me he understands why I am the way I am and that he hopes positive experiences will help with that. In the next breath he's saying things like that to me that discount how he's treated me when he's drunk. I just feel like I can't win. I feel like I have to accept some kind of drinking behavior from him. I know I don't HAVE to accept anything. But I want him, I just wish he could stick to his word. I wish he felt even for a second what I feel when he's out drinking. It's crippling. There is no other word for it than sheer panic. And I just wait it out until he goes home or I know he's safe. He says I manipulate him by telling him I'm anxious or asking him not to go. I don't even know what to make of things anymore. They were supposed to be getting better and I can't tell if they are or not. I just feel so sad and lonely like nobody around me understands me, what I'm going through, or what I'm saying.
I wish and pray for your recovery, keep coming back, I felt very welcomed here.
Love,
Jocel
God Madow it almost seems like I had written that one myself in the past. Early on before I got into Al-Anon I had the same thoughts, feelings and perceptions every new comer had and I felt I would never ever get out of the crises. My ex-daughter-in-law just left my house and I listened to her and I felt like she had found my diary from the past. Her alcoholic/addict...my eldest son reminds her of her father and every other alcoholic/addict we have known in the past. We can learn how to accept it as the program teaches and then not react in the same sick way we use to. Keep coming back and participating with this family. Al-Anon works when we work it. ((((hugs))))
Welcome. It took me a really time to realise that I didn't have to like what I had to accept. Acceptance is something we practice for our own sanity. Like an alcoholic may be in denial, however that looks/sounds, and that can be their reality, it doesn't have to be mine. I accept the person is an alcoholic and a bunch of stuff that comes with it which I don't like, I accept that I have no control over their disease, so I try not to be lord of their lives and focus on mine. Some days are better than others. But that was gold to me, knowing i do not have to like what I nonetheless accept. Acceptance, forgiveness, before alanon were concepts I resisted because they were misrepresented to me. Keep coming back.
I can relate to your feelings. Your post is all about the drinker and I remember putting my life and feelings, moods etc in the hands of an alcoholic too and then wondering why I was miserable. Have you considered that you may be obsessed with him and addicted to the drama of the life with a drinker? I was and it was a hard addiction to break. Alanon meetings help break that addiction and help you see the reality of the situation. I got to see myself as an individual and others the same. He has the right to drink, hes an adult, you cant change him or his choices but you can learn to think clearer and see what choices are yours and his.
I can relate to your post as well. I felt very much the same way as you and I honestly thought if my husband loved me he would not drink because I told him how much difficulty it caused me. I have come to realize that alcoholism is a disease that I have absolutely no control over and neither does my AH. He believes he has control over it. He tells me often of his plan to cut back or to decrease his drinking for health reasons. And time and again he fails. He may succeed in cutting back for a week but he can't sustain it. He is compelled to drink and he can't just turn it off and he can't see his inability to turn it off. So when I would pin my happiness to weather or not he was drinking it was a recipe for misery. My AH doesn't drink to upset me he drinks because he is compelled to do so and he has a disease. He has to come to the realization himself and no amount of arguing, crying, begging and pleading or yelling will get him to see that.
I can reason with my AH when he is sober about many other things money, parenting issues, the division of household chores but I cannot reason with him about alcohol. So I don't try to make him see my side of it anymore because he just can't. I have set boundaries with him that work for me. The boundaries are for me not for him. I simply choose to do something else or to end conversations when he's drinking. Not as a punishment or a lesson but as a way of emotionally protecting myself. I simply don't like being around him when he's at a certain level of intoxication and I won't be. Putting this boundary in place was hard, I made a lot of errors along the way and stumbled through it but it works for me. Realizing that I had choices and I didn't have to focus so much on him helped me get better. It helped me enjoy my life, find new and interesting things to do and try, accomplish more than I thought possible. Every day I am growing thanks to this program.
If you aren't already attending a face to face group I would recommend that you do that.
Wishing you all the best.
KT your growth is showing and is inspiring. Glad you bought that message back to the family. ((((hugs))))
Deb welcome to the family...this family of members who have come to understand tons of the truths about the disease of alcoholism and addiction to mind and mood altering chemicals. One of the things to help you understand and cease blaming yourself is that our qualifiers (family members, friends and associates who drink and use which leads us here) is that they have literally an army of drinking and using supporters that you have not met and on a daily basis are helping them to stay away from all thoughts, feelings and actions to stop drinking and using. You don't have a chance. You did not Cause this, you cannot Control it and you will not Cure it. Those are our three "C"s of recovery. Might as well work on tools that hold you away from self blame. Their army also includes manufacturers, distribution, and sales organizations which have huge facilities and finances to keep our alcoholic and addicts attentions including the governments and medical industries. I gave up and let my alcoholics drink till they dropped hoping that the crash to the side walk would be more painful than the hangover and they would seek change. I pray for that drop for every alcoholic, addict and victim of the disease. Keep coming back...you have family here. ((((hugs))))
The program helps us understand more about the disease, how enabling can prolong the disease and how we can detach with love and establish boundaries for our own sanity. We work on us and learn how to better react to the disease and the diseased. I truly hope you can find and attend local Al-Anon meetings - the MIP family is awesome and supportive but having local support for me was a necessity in my recovery.
One of the first things I heard was the three C(s) that Jerry mentions above. When I heard that from others who had been on this path, I felt as if I was able to breathe deeply for the first time in a long, long while.
You are not alone - there is help and hope. Keep coming back!
Alcoholism is a disease over which we are powerless. We did not cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it. Please remind yourself of this often