What exactly does that mean? Does that mean I no longer call or text my alcoholic friend? Should I not answer their texts or calls if they contact me? Do I cut off all communication with them? I want to do what I can to help them get better.....but as I read that I remember "I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't change it" - I don't know if me wanting to help them is "co-dependency" or just my personality of being a kind and caring person.
Lyne said
Aug 20, 2016
What I practice and have learned about detaching with love is that I must set a boundary so I do not sink with the ship. I deserve to stay afloat, feel well, calm, and take care of myself. I am still married to my A. I no longer get sick over all her addictive behavior. I have no expectations for what I would like in this relationship. I have expectations of myself and I have become my focus. When I came to alanon I did not realize how sick I had become. My work in program is straightening myself out, not the alcoholic. Each of us can decide what boundaries we need to stay well. Only you can decide those for you. This has taken a great deal of work and did not come easy. But it is possible. Progress not perfection! Lyne
jojo8466 said
Aug 20, 2016
Lyne wrote:
What I practice and have learned about detaching with love is that I must set a boundary so I do not sink with the ship. I deserve to stay afloat, feel well, calm, and take care of myself. I am still married to my A. I no longer get sick over all her addictive behavior. I have no expectations for what I would like in this relationship. I have expectations of myself and I have become my focus. When I came to alanon I did not realize how sick I had become. My work in program is straightening myself out, not the alcoholic. Each of us can decide what boundaries we need to stay well. Only you can decide those for you. This has taken a great deal of work and did not come easy. But it is possible. Progress not perfection! Lyne
Thank you for the advise - the difference is you live with your wife - I don't live with my alcoholic lover / friend. You see her everyday to know how she is doing and not doing - so how do I detach when I don't live with the alcoholic and I sit here and wonder day in and day out how they are doing? UGH. Such a vicious cycle. Damn alcohol anyway.
hotrod said
Aug 20, 2016
When I accepted the fact that I was powerless over people places and things, I was able to accept the fact that I was dealing with a disease and needed to put the focus on myself where I did have power to make sure I reinforced my own serenity and courage.
jojo8466 said
Aug 20, 2016
hotrod wrote:
When I accepted the fact that I was powerless over people places and things, I was able to accept the fact that I was dealing with a disease and needed to put the focus on myself where I did have power to make sure I reinforced my own serenity and courage.
That is so very hard for me to accept. I am use to being in control - in my life, my job, my family etc. And to accept that I can't help someone or stop something causes me a lot of anxiety - hopefully I learn to accept that fact soon.
Jerry F said
Aug 20, 2016
Sister you have come here because you are suffering from lack of control...we all are. We don't have the power or the authority to control other people, places and things and really our only concern should be ourselves and our lives. The 3 cees speak to this..."I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't (will not be able to) cure it". For me I had to make these awareness mindsets which follow me around always. As a helper I can and do make suggestion and I make them without expectations. I also do not take credit for outcomes...positive or negative and I also focus on my responsibilities for my life.
Detaching with love...how else do I want to detach? "Love is the complete and total ACCEPTANCE of every other person for exactly who they are" I got that definition from within the program of Al-Anon. There is no prejudice in it and I am included in it. I have no reason not to love. It is the most natural of personal characteristics and I just exercise it using the HP and our program. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
Iamhere said
Aug 20, 2016
jojo - for me, not living with my qualifiers was hard at first. As I began to put me first, and fill my life with recovery, meetings, walks, gym, job, whatever I began to see how I could separate them from their disease. I used to text small things like, 'thinking of you' or 'just saying hi' or ........................... But soon, I realized that was not always good as I got anxious when they responded and when they did not respond. So, I have not changed numbers, live in the same place, and have the same life as before - just more busy and fulfilling. They know where to find me and that I will help them help themselves. I will not help them with their disease or with things they can do for themselves.
It took me a long time to realize I cared more about their wellness, future, etc. than they did. Once I became aware of that, I realized that's far from healthy and not the way it should be. So - it's a practice, practice, practice move for me - putting me first led to other changes in thinking, action and priorities. All of this came about through working hard in Al-Anon with a sponsor.
Keep coming back - it works when we work it!
Mattie said
Aug 20, 2016
I see it as detaching with love when we don't allow their emotions to controls ours. So if our A is having a grumpy day, that doesn't mean we have to be grumpy too. If they are mad at the world, we can still be calm and serene. If they are living irresponsibly, we can be sad for them, but it doesn't mean we're overwhelmed with sadness. If they might be getting themselves into trouble over their bad decisions, as it sounds like your A may be doing, we don't have to take on the worry and anxiety that they should be feeling for themselves. We "let go and let God." Not letting go doesn't help them, it just drags us into the quicksand. We stop overfocusing on them and start focusing on the parts of life we can control and are responsible for - ourselves.
lgnutah said
Aug 20, 2016
I found understanding "detaching with love" a difficult concept to understand at first, and after I grasped what it mean, I relized it was also very hard to figure out how to live. But as time goes by, I think I get better at it. Progress, not perfection
Sandy408 said
Aug 20, 2016
Hello Jojo
To me detaching with love means truly accepting our loved ones with all their defects of character and their disease. I needed to have physical seperation from my alcoholic friends early in my recovery because there was a lot of healing I needed to do. When I was able to heal and forgive I opened the door to mending and rebuilding the relationships with my friends. I NOW can practice boundaries and put my recovery first. There are times when I can't be part of their lives ( birthday celebrations, weddings, clubs) where I know they will be drinking. But I can still have a relationship with them, it's just different now. Sharing all the principles of the program and showing them how I live my life is the greatest example.
Meditate and pray and ask your HP for guidance. Sponsorship is also a great tool to show us what a healthy relationship should look like.
What exactly does that mean? Does that mean I no longer call or text my alcoholic friend? Should I not answer their texts or calls if they contact me? Do I cut off all communication with them? I want to do what I can to help them get better.....but as I read that I remember "I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't change it" - I don't know if me wanting to help them is "co-dependency" or just my personality of being a kind and caring person.
Thank you for the advise - the difference is you live with your wife - I don't live with my alcoholic lover / friend. You see her everyday to know how she is doing and not doing - so how do I detach when I don't live with the alcoholic and I sit here and wonder day in and day out how they are doing? UGH. Such a vicious cycle. Damn alcohol anyway.
That is so very hard for me to accept. I am use to being in control - in my life, my job, my family etc. And to accept that I can't help someone or stop something causes me a lot of anxiety - hopefully I learn to accept that fact soon.
Sister you have come here because you are suffering from lack of control...we all are. We don't have the power or the authority to control other people, places and things and really our only concern should be ourselves and our lives. The 3 cees speak to this..."I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't (will not be able to) cure it". For me I had to make these awareness mindsets which follow me around always. As a helper I can and do make suggestion and I make them without expectations. I also do not take credit for outcomes...positive or negative and I also focus on my responsibilities for my life.
Detaching with love...how else do I want to detach? "Love is the complete and total ACCEPTANCE of every other person for exactly who they are" I got that definition from within the program of Al-Anon. There is no prejudice in it and I am included in it. I have no reason not to love. It is the most natural of personal characteristics and I just exercise it using the HP and our program. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
It took me a long time to realize I cared more about their wellness, future, etc. than they did. Once I became aware of that, I realized that's far from healthy and not the way it should be. So - it's a practice, practice, practice move for me - putting me first led to other changes in thinking, action and priorities. All of this came about through working hard in Al-Anon with a sponsor.
Keep coming back - it works when we work it!
I see it as detaching with love when we don't allow their emotions to controls ours. So if our A is having a grumpy day, that doesn't mean we have to be grumpy too. If they are mad at the world, we can still be calm and serene. If they are living irresponsibly, we can be sad for them, but it doesn't mean we're overwhelmed with sadness. If they might be getting themselves into trouble over their bad decisions, as it sounds like your A may be doing, we don't have to take on the worry and anxiety that they should be feeling for themselves. We "let go and let God." Not letting go doesn't help them, it just drags us into the quicksand. We stop overfocusing on them and start focusing on the parts of life we can control and are responsible for - ourselves.
To me detaching with love means truly accepting our loved ones with all their defects of character and their disease. I needed to have physical seperation from my alcoholic friends early in my recovery because there was a lot of healing I needed to do. When I was able to heal and forgive I opened the door to mending and rebuilding the relationships with my friends. I NOW can practice boundaries and put my recovery first. There are times when I can't be part of their lives ( birthday celebrations, weddings, clubs) where I know they will be drinking. But I can still have a relationship with them, it's just different now. Sharing all the principles of the program and showing them how I live my life is the greatest example.
Meditate and pray and ask your HP for guidance. Sponsorship is also a great tool to show us what a healthy relationship should look like.