A boundary I have set to protect my own sanity is to not answer phone calls from my 36 yr old AD between 8 pm-8 am (ringers are turned to silent). She lives 100 miles away, so our communication is primarily via the phone but every couple of months, her sobriety allowing, we meet at a point halfway between our our homes for lunch. It has been increasingly difficult in the past year for her to be sober and emotionally stable enough to actually make the trip. She sends lots of texts when she adds self medicating after a bout drinking ends (prescription meds she gets from "people") which starts an emotional downward spiral. Her pattern is that when she takes Xanax, she becomes obsessed with all her past trauma, and sends detailed texted renditions of what all happened to her, all the same things over and over (plus new things thrown in for good measure). After that she goes into a depressed state where she holes up for days on end without eating or communicating.....before she re-emerges and starts the cycle over again. Early yesterday morning we texted about an earlier plan to get together at a halfway point for lunch. She texted back that she wasn't fit to drive. I replied that I was glad that she was keeping not only her safety but that of others in mind. We texted back and forth a bit, and she seemed rational but when she tried calling me, as I knew she was under the influence, I didn't answer (I am only willing to talk with her when she is sober). I sent some texts later in the day (not referencing drinking, just ordinary stuff about my classwork etc). As I know her typical patterns, I waited 8 hrs before calling her back. When I called at 4 45 she sounded "normal". She said she was driving to go get some "happy hour" half price appetizers and was hoping to get there before 5 when happy hour ended. Dumb me, but I really thought she meant she was just hungry. We hung up. A few hours later, I got back from walking my dog and my husband was on his cell. He hung up and said our daughter wanted me to call her, that she had called twice (he did not mention she was drunk). I called back and she said she sitting on her bed crying because her dad had been rude to her. At first I thought her voice was "different" because she was crying, then it dawned on me that 3 hours had passed, and she had obviously been drinking. She said her dad said she was slurring, and she had "only had 1 1/2 drinks". I tried to interject that she was in fact slurring, and she had obviously driven home under the influence imperiling not only her safety but that of other people's, as well as subjecting herself to possible car accident or arrest. She said she only cared if she hurt other people, not herself then launched into (false) stories her dad's drinking and driving. I know I shouldn't take the bait, but felt impelled to correct her mistatement. Anyway, at this point I kept trying to break in to say I was hanging up and would wait til she was sober to talk, but she kept talking (she doesn't seem to hear as well after drinking). Finally, I said I love you, goodbye, and hung up. I turned off my phones, but this morning I saw she followed the phonecall with multiple texts about how angry I made her, and that she doesn't even feel alcohol til she has 7 drinks so she wasn't slurring, then launched into her usual stuff about the wrongs others have perpetrated on her. OK, bottom line, how do I set better boundaries? If I open a text, I don't know if it is reasonsble or irrational until I read it..and once I have read it, my emotional serenity is sent spinning. How to get off the phone quickly once I ascertain she is under the influence? (Doesn't decency require me to wait til there is a break in her speech for me to say I am hanging up?)

It looks like you're trying to uphold your boundary. When she is sober, tell her you will not talk to her if she's been drinking- if it's 3 or 7 drinks, it doesn't matter. If she tries calling, you will not talk to her until the morning. Tell her you will talk to her between such and such time as long as she's sober. What you got was the after burn of setting a boundary and sticking to it. Chances are when she's sober she may not remember (that was true when my A was drunk). The guilt will set in, but see if for what it is. You are protecting yourself. Keep up the good work!!

ignutah - great job setting up boundaries and working to reinforce them. What happened for me is similar and as such, my boundaries shifted. In the beginning, I felt guilty for turning my ringer off at 10pm. Then I also was able to suggest I had no interest in conversations - texting or talking - if they were under the influence. I finally got to a point of setting the boundary of if I feel uncomfortable with the topic of discussion, I would need to terminate the call.

Of course, I have no patience for gossip, and parent bashing. I've told my boys for years if they have an issue with me, take it up with me (they talk to their father because they like to divide & conquer) and likewise if they have an issue with him to talk with him. I am not a peace-maker, counselor, or mediator - I am just an imperfect mother who is also suffering because of this disease.

I've gone out of my way to retrain my boys to understand I am an imperfect human being. For so long, I wanted to be perfect for them, for me, for my parents and many others. I've retired from that role and it's been a great gift to me. I do not offer free advice any longer because it falls on deaf ears. Mine actually know that if I think they are driving under the influence, I'll contact to police and give the license plate numbers. Thus - my oldest doesn't drink and drive at all and my youngest has chosen to not get his back after it was revoked for driving without insurance.

I had to set a boundary for legal vs. illegal activities because they would push back on sub-boundaries. Remember, they exist to protect you and not punish them, so it's perfectly OK to interrupt and say, I really need to get off the phone and go to the restroom or watch this show.

You got this!!

My experience with drunk calls was to hang up as soon as I realised they were drunk. I didn't wait for a gap in their speaking as usually there isn't one. It wouldn't be healthy for me or the drunk person if I listened at length. If they redial, I don't answer.

You sound like a good mum ignutah. I hang up. I hate doing it but if I stay on the line I get upset. I've got to go, love you, eat something, bye! Said over whatever rambling shite is going on in the background. I absolutely love the way you are able to still maintain a relationship by having lunch and the no phone time. I hope your day is a brighter one.

"I am not able to talk now" *click*

That is honest and simple.

This morning when I turned on my phone there were quite a few texts that apparently had been sent in the night, beginning with one stating her father owed her an apology for saying she was drunk, followed by multiple rambling texts, some of them bizarre, so when my cell rang soon after I went and got in the shower and didn't answer it.
After I got out of the shower I just sent a text back with no reference to anything she said, but just said I was going to spend the day focusing on my cognitive, emotional and physical health by doing yoga, painting and studying for my class. I sent a pic of the art piece I was working on. Never heard anything after that.