AH and my manipulative and controlling mom, how do i deal with this?
jocelgp said
Aug 18, 2016
I have posted before that my AH and I lives in my 83 year old mom's house. Because of family circumstances I feel I am morally obliged to stay with my aging mom. It has always been that I find myself caught between my AH and my mom's wanting to control some situations in our life. Where I live there is a culture of submission to the man of the family and the elder in the family. Both of them being so, I am always caught in their struggle for power. But I do have a mind of my own, I am also assertive as a person. Knowing this and coming to Al-anon I've realized that this trait can be both my strength and my weakness. That's why I have to guard this character trait of mine, from my abusing it to control and manipulate others. Because my mom is like so it is not far that I can also acquire it from her.
Like many children of war, I'm always caught in the crossfire. Because they both know they cannot directly control nor manipulate each other, they do it thru me. At least that's how I've always felt. I'm not sure if this is the right forum for this topic but this message board like all the others here has been like a family, a friend and a counselor to me especially in moments like this where all I can do is cry and cry by myself. Thanks and I surely could use a lot (((hugs)))
hotrod said
Aug 19, 2016
I found that using alanon tools dailyhelped me to not engage with the insanity of those around me while still treating them with courtesy and respect.
Reading and acting on the small bookmark:" Just for today", remembering to be gentle with myself, and other ,not engage nor react and to keep myself in check to use a slogan Like Live and let live and how important is it helped me to take care of msyelf in a new way. The serenity prayer helped also.
I established what Ineeded to do each day and I did it -that kept the focus on myself and I was not diverted by others.
Lyne said
Aug 19, 2016
Hello~I have been in the middle between my grown son and my A spouse many, many times. It is an awful place to be. The stronger I get however, through program, the less destroyed and frustrated I feel. I can let it go faster and I surely know I cannot control anyone. I find that using all the tools Alanon has to offer, the better and more peaceful I can be. Progress not perfection. I'm in a rough spot at the moment with my spouse and am not so happy everyday, but I have faith that I will get through it and I am going forward with what's best for me. Keep the focus on you, Lyne
Iamhere said
Aug 19, 2016
Like Lyne, I found myself in the middle also between my AH and my A Son(s). Before this program, I thought it was my job as part of my peace-keeping role in the family. As Betty suggests, by working this program and using the tools I have learned it's not my job to keep, maintain or cause peace (or friction) between others. The program gave me choices and I first learned that I could simply walk away! Go to the bathroom, go take a walk, leave to grocery shop - many choices to help me stay out of the way/fray. This was not easy at all, but when I did it a few times, and the house was still standing upon return, I did learn to trust HP and the program.
Today, I do all that I can to avoid drama and chaos. I've learned that I can decline invitations to fights and drama. It feels so much better than my previous self-appointed position of peace-keeper. I've retired from that job and returned the uniform.
There is help and hope in recovery - keep coming back!
jocelgp said
Aug 19, 2016
I managed to be calm with my mother, as they say "low contact", it worked. But it's my husband now attacking me, pinpointing so many faults in me. I didn't allow him to do the belittling and the bullying. There goes again the verbal squabble ending with the I think we're better off separated. This time the words came from him and I quickly responded with "I have been saying that all along". I left him in the porch and he's still there till now, I see he's on the phone either texting or talking to someone I guess saying things about me. But it really doesn't matter, the opinion of others about me is none of my business. I wish he'd just leave but it looks like he won't. It can't be me to leave, we live in my mother's house and I certainly will not leave my mom at her age and physical condition, not on my husband's account. I'm feeling too tired and exhausted. I have to let go and let God. I have to pray and ask God for help. I better sleep early tonight, tomorrow is another day. I have lived this day. Tomorrow will be another Just for Today...
I have posted before that my AH and I lives in my 83 year old mom's house. Because of family circumstances I feel I am morally obliged to stay with my aging mom. It has always been that I find myself caught between my AH and my mom's wanting to control some situations in our life. Where I live there is a culture of submission to the man of the family and the elder in the family. Both of them being so, I am always caught in their struggle for power. But I do have a mind of my own, I am also assertive as a person. Knowing this and coming to Al-anon I've realized that this trait can be both my strength and my weakness. That's why I have to guard this character trait of mine, from my abusing it to control and manipulate others. Because my mom is like so it is not far that I can also acquire it from her.
Like many children of war, I'm always caught in the crossfire. Because they both know they cannot directly control nor manipulate each other, they do it thru me. At least that's how I've always felt. I'm not sure if this is the right forum for this topic but this message board like all the others here has been like a family, a friend and a counselor to me especially in moments like this where all I can do is cry and cry by myself. Thanks and I surely could use a lot (((hugs)))
I found that using alanon tools dailyhelped me to not engage with the insanity of those around me while still treating them with courtesy and respect.
Reading and acting on the small bookmark:" Just for today", remembering to be gentle with myself, and other ,not engage nor react and to keep myself in check to use a slogan Like Live and let live and how important is it helped me to take care of msyelf in a new way. The serenity prayer helped also.
I established what Ineeded to do each day and I did it -that kept the focus on myself and I was not diverted by others.
Today, I do all that I can to avoid drama and chaos. I've learned that I can decline invitations to fights and drama. It feels so much better than my previous self-appointed position of peace-keeper. I've retired from that job and returned the uniform.
There is help and hope in recovery - keep coming back!