I haven't been on the Board for the past few years, luckily, as my AB has been sober since 11.22.13! Working his program, doing well.
What I'm struggling with is Hypervigilance....watching him like a Hawk...looking for signs of a slip. At times it abates, but at other times he looks and acts "different" (tired, poor eye contact, constricted pupils). I can't say he is drinking, but it seems something is "off". This may last a day, or two, and then everything is back to normal, but I'm back to being hypervigilant. That will last a while, abate, and get kicked up again when I notice something is "off" (real or imagined, I'm not sure).
Last week I uncovered the fact that he got a prescription for Tramadol( class IV synthetic opioid-like pain reliever) from his PCP for general joint pain. He never told me about getting the script and may have been taking it for a while prior to my discovery). When I confronted him, he got angry and claimed that he threw the meds out because he doesn't want to deal with me. He expects I'll be asking endless questions about how many pills he is taking, etc. I suggested that if he kept the Tramadol in the cabinet (where I could see them), then my anxiety about him possibly abusing this med (although it carries a low addiction risk). He said, NO, he threw the meds out and isn't going to "deal with you and all your questions". So now he is grumpy, taking lots of Ibuprofen and refusing to go hiking (which we usually do) because he is in too much pain.
Is this a normal reaction for someone who was lied to for years about his drinking? I consider him not telling me about the Tramadol script being dishonest (by omission).
Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
Mattie said
Aug 18, 2016
It sounds as if he doesn't really understand what the fear of relapse can do to a loved one, and why. It also sounds as if he's too defensive to want to understand.
I totally understand it, as I had it for years. And it's miserable. One thing is that we really don't have to be hypervigilant - because if they do start using again, chances are high that it will be very obvious before too long. But there's also another strand to it, which is that when we suspect they might be using again, we can very sad and troubled. I'm guessing there's some of that in your response too. I don't know what the helpful way to cope with that is. I think others will be along to give good ESH. But just to say that I so understand where you're coming from.
Mcat54 said
Aug 18, 2016
Hi Hopeful,
I find myself in a watchful mode, as I am slow to trust after so much deception. But I recognize that all the watching, wondering and waiting keeps the focus on him him him and not on myself and what I can do to improve my situation. My AH is not in recovery but also not smoking grass or drinking excessively. I feel it's just a matter of time before he resumes one or both, but my constant watchfulness is exhausting and keeps me in a mindset that I see is not good for my recovery. I am powerless over his drinking or not drinking and his smoking or not smoking, and it is self-defeating to base my sense of well-being on the actions of this person.
The al-anon welcome says that we learn to find contentment whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. My contentment and happiness are my job. His using or drinking or being in or out of recovery are not. It's very hard to let go of that. But I've learned that waiting for them to do the next wrong thing is not a pleasant way to live. "We become unreasonable without knowing it."
Some slogans that I find helpful: let go and let God; more will be revealed; easy does it; how important is it?
Hopeful, I'm hoping that you find some peace and perhaps a meeting where you can express your fears in a safe environment. My F2F meetings are the highlight of my week.
Iamhere said
Aug 18, 2016
Hopeful - I understand entirely where you are coming from however, for me, my sponsor would never allow me to confront my qualifier about what they are/are not doing and are/are not disclosing. When I talk about them vs. how I am doing, she kindly and consistently redirects me. If we are to recover from the affects of the disease, we truly have to redirect our thoughts when they go towards others back to us.
I understand where he is coming from also only because I have experience with getting sober, being sober and staying sober. His recovery is his job and his 'side of the street'. We practice living one day at a time (both programs), so for one to get sober and stay sober for an extended time, it's annoying to be questioned. What we hear is, "Because of your past, no matter what you are doing today, you can not be trusted." Most A's suffer from low self-esteem too, so it doesn't take much to feel defeated in efforts.
I went with a program friend to her Doctor appointment today because she wanted a second set of ears. She's already got chronic pain from a car accident a while ago, and is having issues with a foot. She's been in several times and is missing out on her quality of life because of this foot pain. Long story short, I've always considered her very intense. When she broke down in tears at this appointment, I realized that she's not intense and in need of 'lightening up on life' - she's in chronic, perpetual pain. This is the 2nd person I've encountered recently in this scenario, and it explained bunches to me - and I now have great empathy for their lot in life with this perpetual pain.
What I had to do when I suspected something was 'off' was talk with my sponsor first. This saved me tons of anguish, worry, paranoia and slippage in Al-Anon. There were times where she suggested I do nothing for a day/two and then there were times where she felt my concern was valid and helped me formulate a non-confrontational way to discuss. Even as the mother of 2 of my qualifiers, unless they asked me to help them manage their prescriptions, I was never allowed to ask, count, or discuss. They are adults and have to do their journey in spite of me and my worries/insecurities/fears.
Any type of chronic pain is very frightening for recovering folks. We fully understand the risks of medicating and relapse, and have to decide what's worse - the chronic pain or some type of pain management. If he (or any) truly wanted to get altered, all he has to do is buy cough syrup or mouthwash - fast, cheap and effective.
So - my best suggestion is to get back to your program, your meetings and your HP and leave him to his. Stay in the present moment and work on you. Back to the three C's - whatever is or is not happening is not your fault, outside of your control and not yours to cure. If you can, find your peace and then hold on to it for all it's worth. Don't let others have the power over your thoughts, actions, reactions and emotions. This situation that you describe is the perfect talk to a sponsor first scenario!
Take what you like and leave the rest!
Hopeful925 said
Aug 19, 2016
Thanks to every one who replied with such timely advice and supportive words! I truly appreciate your time and wisdom. I've not been going to Alanon meetings, but do realize that I need to do the work to be able to keep my Serenity intact no matter what anyone else is doing.
Thanks again, Angels!
Jerry F said
Aug 19, 2016
Might be a good idea to take your own inventory and look at your thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Could his reaction be valid? Is his recovery really all about you? I can tell you that in my recovery past I did have to answer yes to those questions. I found out that I had turned my peace of mind and serenity over to a sick alcoholic/addict wife. Another very bad choice. I use to hate the question "what is my part in all of this"?....and now it is one of the most important questions I have on a daily basis...it isn't about blaming myself it is about taking responsibility for my part in it. There is a page in our literature that taught me a lesson as it spoke about me saying that I would do anything to help my alcoholic/addict get well....except get off of her back. Made me weep. How does "Let go and Let God" sound as a relief to your Hypervigilance? or anyone of the other release slogans. I don't like that word. It's not very relaxing. (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Friday 19th of August 2016 09:28:11 PM
I haven't been on the Board for the past few years, luckily, as my AB has been sober since 11.22.13! Working his program, doing well.
What I'm struggling with is Hypervigilance....watching him like a Hawk...looking for signs of a slip. At times it abates, but at other times he looks and acts "different" (tired, poor eye contact, constricted pupils). I can't say he is drinking, but it seems something is "off". This may last a day, or two, and then everything is back to normal, but I'm back to being hypervigilant. That will last a while, abate, and get kicked up again when I notice something is "off" (real or imagined, I'm not sure).
Last week I uncovered the fact that he got a prescription for Tramadol( class IV synthetic opioid-like pain reliever) from his PCP for general joint pain. He never told me about getting the script and may have been taking it for a while prior to my discovery). When I confronted him, he got angry and claimed that he threw the meds out because he doesn't want to deal with me. He expects I'll be asking endless questions about how many pills he is taking, etc. I suggested that if he kept the Tramadol in the cabinet (where I could see them), then my anxiety about him possibly abusing this med (although it carries a low addiction risk). He said, NO, he threw the meds out and isn't going to "deal with you and all your questions". So now he is grumpy, taking lots of Ibuprofen and refusing to go hiking (which we usually do) because he is in too much pain.
Is this a normal reaction for someone who was lied to for years about his drinking?
I consider him not telling me about the Tramadol script being dishonest (by omission).
Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
It sounds as if he doesn't really understand what the fear of relapse can do to a loved one, and why. It also sounds as if he's too defensive to want to understand.
I totally understand it, as I had it for years. And it's miserable. One thing is that we really don't have to be hypervigilant - because if they do start using again, chances are high that it will be very obvious before too long. But there's also another strand to it, which is that when we suspect they might be using again, we can very sad and troubled. I'm guessing there's some of that in your response too. I don't know what the helpful way to cope with that is. I think others will be along to give good ESH. But just to say that I so understand where you're coming from.
I find myself in a watchful mode, as I am slow to trust after so much deception. But I recognize that all the watching, wondering and waiting keeps the focus on him him him and not on myself and what I can do to improve my situation. My AH is not in recovery but also not smoking grass or drinking excessively. I feel it's just a matter of time before he resumes one or both, but my constant watchfulness is exhausting and keeps me in a mindset that I see is not good for my recovery. I am powerless over his drinking or not drinking and his smoking or not smoking, and it is self-defeating to base my sense of well-being on the actions of this person.
The al-anon welcome says that we learn to find contentment whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. My contentment and happiness are my job. His using or drinking or being in or out of recovery are not. It's very hard to let go of that. But I've learned that waiting for them to do the next wrong thing is not a pleasant way to live. "We become unreasonable without knowing it."
Some slogans that I find helpful: let go and let God; more will be revealed; easy does it; how important is it?
Hopeful, I'm hoping that you find some peace and perhaps a meeting where you can express your fears in a safe environment. My F2F meetings are the highlight of my week.
I understand where he is coming from also only because I have experience with getting sober, being sober and staying sober. His recovery is his job and his 'side of the street'. We practice living one day at a time (both programs), so for one to get sober and stay sober for an extended time, it's annoying to be questioned. What we hear is, "Because of your past, no matter what you are doing today, you can not be trusted." Most A's suffer from low self-esteem too, so it doesn't take much to feel defeated in efforts.
I went with a program friend to her Doctor appointment today because she wanted a second set of ears. She's already got chronic pain from a car accident a while ago, and is having issues with a foot. She's been in several times and is missing out on her quality of life because of this foot pain. Long story short, I've always considered her very intense. When she broke down in tears at this appointment, I realized that she's not intense and in need of 'lightening up on life' - she's in chronic, perpetual pain. This is the 2nd person I've encountered recently in this scenario, and it explained bunches to me - and I now have great empathy for their lot in life with this perpetual pain.
What I had to do when I suspected something was 'off' was talk with my sponsor first. This saved me tons of anguish, worry, paranoia and slippage in Al-Anon. There were times where she suggested I do nothing for a day/two and then there were times where she felt my concern was valid and helped me formulate a non-confrontational way to discuss. Even as the mother of 2 of my qualifiers, unless they asked me to help them manage their prescriptions, I was never allowed to ask, count, or discuss. They are adults and have to do their journey in spite of me and my worries/insecurities/fears.
Any type of chronic pain is very frightening for recovering folks. We fully understand the risks of medicating and relapse, and have to decide what's worse - the chronic pain or some type of pain management. If he (or any) truly wanted to get altered, all he has to do is buy cough syrup or mouthwash - fast, cheap and effective.
So - my best suggestion is to get back to your program, your meetings and your HP and leave him to his. Stay in the present moment and work on you. Back to the three C's - whatever is or is not happening is not your fault, outside of your control and not yours to cure. If you can, find your peace and then hold on to it for all it's worth. Don't let others have the power over your thoughts, actions, reactions and emotions. This situation that you describe is the perfect talk to a sponsor first scenario!
Take what you like and leave the rest!
Thanks to every one who replied with such timely advice and supportive words! I truly appreciate your time and wisdom. I've not been going to Alanon meetings, but do realize that I need to do the work to be able to keep my Serenity intact no matter what anyone else is doing.
Thanks again, Angels!
Might be a good idea to take your own inventory and look at your thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Could his reaction be valid? Is his recovery really all about you? I can tell you that in my recovery past I did have to answer yes to those questions. I found out that I had turned my peace of mind and serenity over to a sick alcoholic/addict wife. Another very bad choice. I use to hate the question "what is my part in all of this"?....and now it is one of the most important questions I have on a daily basis...it isn't about blaming myself it is about taking responsibility for my part in it. There is a page in our literature that taught me a lesson as it spoke about me saying that I would do anything to help my alcoholic/addict get well....except get off of her back. Made me weep. How does "Let go and Let God" sound as a relief to your Hypervigilance? or anyone of the other release slogans. I don't like that word. It's not very relaxing. (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Friday 19th of August 2016 09:28:11 PM