This is unbearable..I am beyond feeling capable in this
Desperateinnyc said
Aug 17, 2016
hi everyone..
i I feel very scared and alone right now..I cannot handle this anymore. I love this man more then anything in the world..but instead of coming home to me, he sat at a bar, telling me at 7:45 he was leaving soon, at 8:20 he was def leaving..and at 10:00 he came home and I see it right away, and I know I'm alone, and he will be mean, and nasty, and I break down, and he doesn't care. He just gets meaner and I get more desperate and afraid. And pathetic..as I sobbed I begged him to just show me a second of kindness, anything, he wouldn't, and now of course he sleeps, passed out, and I suffer alone. I hate this, I have become so much less, I don't know what to do, right now..I don't mean tomorrow. Just right now. Thanks for listening to me.
Mattie said
Aug 17, 2016
I am glad you have found us. It is horrible not getting any word of kindness from someone you love, and somehow that often means that we overfocus on him - the alcoholism sucks everyone around it into the chaos and pain. For right now, just know that it will pass. For the longer term, I hope you will find a face-to-face meeting in your area. They will be listed in the phone book and probably online. Al-Anon gives us the skills to make our own lives happy and calm, without having to wait for the alcoholic to stop drinking. It doesn't happen overnight, but it gets better and better and better. I hope you will find a meeting and start learning the tools. There are also meetings online here. They are listed at the top of the board. Hugs.
Desperateinnyc said
Aug 17, 2016
Thank you, you are so right, in my over focusing. It makes me feel so stupid, it makes me feel like I just love him more, then he does me. I will look for a meeting..thanks for reading and responding
Iamhere said
Aug 17, 2016
I too am so sorry for your pain....my best suggestion is to just breathe, breathe, breathe and like Mattie said, this too shall pass. Before Al-Anon, when I was in pain, it seemed and felt like it was going to always be 'this way'....I have now learned that's not true. There is much to learn, love and enjoy - we just need support and help to realize that. I too hope you will find an Al-Anon meeting and attend - the program, steps and tools gave me the freedom of mental bondage I felt from living with the disease and gave me the power back to know my worth and value.
Keep coming back - be gentle with you - you're worth it and deserve it!
Desperateinnyc said
Aug 17, 2016
Funny you said "this too shall pass" , my mother used to tell me that a lot. Yes it'll pass, he will wake up tomorrow and "forget" his words..and I will have to remember without anyone to take them away. I may remind him, and he may say he's sorry..and that'll be it, until the next time..so yes it'll pass, but it'll always be back. Thanks for your help..I know I need help too, not just him.
Iamhere said
Aug 17, 2016
This is where Al-Anon truly helped me. It used to crush me when one who loved me treated me so badly. I used to say that Alcohol robbed me of the person I met and fell in love with. It felt that way and I was hurt and angry and kept expecting things to change. I learned in Al-Anon many tools - "What other people say about me is none of my business." "Love the person - Hate the disease" and many, many more.
I now know when someone, anyone lashes out at me with drama and chaos that is defined as crazy making. It's a tactic (not even intentional or malicious) used to get the focus off of them and any where else! We have another slogan - QTIP - Quit Taking It Personally....I struggled with this because it was personal! However, I again learned that the disease affects the mental, physical, spiritual and emotional parts of the diseased AND us.
Take care - finding a meeting/several will be a gift from you to you!
Desperateinnyc said
Aug 17, 2016
thank you, that helped me a lot. Yes I always say alcohol has taken him away from me. I found a meeting, and I am going to go and try to start focusing on myself..
Calm Lady said
Aug 18, 2016
Sorry for the pain you are experiencing.
Iamhere said
Aug 18, 2016
Let us know how your meeting goes! In the meanwhile, keep dropping in here! We do our best to support each other even though we're geographically every where!
ODAT - that's how we work it...
jojo8466 said
Aug 18, 2016
I can relate to everything you are saying...him trying to blame me for the peril our relationship is in. Thinking I love him more than he loves me. Believing what he says to me when he's good just to have him disappoint me time and time again. I'm at the point that I can't trust him ..I can't believe him and I damn sure can't rely on him. With all that gone what do we have left between us?? Glad you're here...I hope this site can help both of us
Desperateinnyc said
Aug 18, 2016
I am so sorry, doesn't feel real sometimes, does it? I wish you all the luck..please let me know if you ever wish to talk
Desperateinnyc said
Aug 18, 2016
For anyone reading this, he just text me from work "I'm so out of control" ..I do not know what to say. Is this an admission of sorts? A cry for help? What do I say to him?
lookingup said
Aug 18, 2016
I have found that by keeping it simple works best for me when I'm not really feeling like talking to my qualifiers so I simply state to them that now isn't the time for me or that I'm not feeling like talking at present time,etc,whatever works best for you or however,I hope you take care of you and do be gentle with you......hugs...in recovery lu
savingmyself said
Aug 18, 2016
I received the same text many times, along with outright requests to help stop... It became more and more simple over time to decipher the genuine requests from the quickly fleeting feelings of shame and guilt. I dont think I can advise you so I'll just tell you what I used to do. At the beginning I would rush to help, so happy we were going to finally do this. After several years I started responding with something along the lines of, "i know, what do you think you need to do?".
Desperateinnyc said
Aug 18, 2016
That's some very good advice..I did reply "I know" , then I replied, why don't we get you some help, and he wrote back, "maybe".
hotrod said
Aug 18, 2016
Hi Desperate in NYC , I am glad that you have found a meeting for yourself and intend to attend. The meetings in NYC are super and on target. In response to his text message, I would simply say:" in what way do you feel you are out of control ? and wait for him to respond .
Keep taking care of yourself. There is hope-- Meetings will provide a safe place to gain the support and understanding you need.
Keep coming back
Desperateinnyc said
Aug 18, 2016
Thanks so much..I did just ask him, and he said "drinking too much"...duh lol, I asked him what he thinks he should do and he said idk yet..thanks for your help
hotrod said
Aug 18, 2016
Well done my friend!! If you feel comfortable sharing with him i would say I also feel "out of control "and have found a support group, with face to face meetingss nearby. I feel this will help me and leave it there.
hi everyone..
i I feel very scared and alone right now..I cannot handle this anymore. I love this man more then anything in the world..but instead of coming home to me, he sat at a bar, telling me at 7:45 he was leaving soon, at 8:20 he was def leaving..and at 10:00 he came home and I see it right away, and I know I'm alone, and he will be mean, and nasty, and I break down, and he doesn't care. He just gets meaner and I get more desperate and afraid. And pathetic..as I sobbed I begged him to just show me a second of kindness, anything, he wouldn't, and now of course he sleeps, passed out, and I suffer alone. I hate this, I have become so much less, I don't know what to do, right now..I don't mean tomorrow. Just right now. Thanks for listening to me.
I am glad you have found us. It is horrible not getting any word of kindness from someone you love, and somehow that often means that we overfocus on him - the alcoholism sucks everyone around it into the chaos and pain. For right now, just know that it will pass. For the longer term, I hope you will find a face-to-face meeting in your area. They will be listed in the phone book and probably online. Al-Anon gives us the skills to make our own lives happy and calm, without having to wait for the alcoholic to stop drinking. It doesn't happen overnight, but it gets better and better and better. I hope you will find a meeting and start learning the tools. There are also meetings online here. They are listed at the top of the board. Hugs.
Thank you, you are so right, in my over focusing. It makes me feel so stupid, it makes me feel like I just love him more, then he does me. I will look for a meeting..thanks for reading and responding
Keep coming back - be gentle with you - you're worth it and deserve it!
I now know when someone, anyone lashes out at me with drama and chaos that is defined as crazy making. It's a tactic (not even intentional or malicious) used to get the focus off of them and any where else! We have another slogan - QTIP - Quit Taking It Personally....I struggled with this because it was personal! However, I again learned that the disease affects the mental, physical, spiritual and emotional parts of the diseased AND us.
Take care - finding a meeting/several will be a gift from you to you!
ODAT - that's how we work it...
Hi Desperate in NYC , I am glad that you have found a meeting for yourself and intend to attend. The meetings in NYC are super and on target. In response to his text message, I would simply say:" in what way do you feel you are out of control ? and wait for him to respond .
Keep taking care of yourself. There is hope-- Meetings will provide a safe place to gain the support and understanding you need.
Keep coming back