I have come to this site not to be judged or told what an awful person I am. I need support, understanding and guidance. My story is lengthy so bear with me....
8 years ago I began an affair with a married man who was a recovering alcoholic. He had been sober for over 30 years. He is married to a recovering alcoholic / drug addict. I am a married woman married to a recovering alcoholic that has been sober for almost 30 years. I have no addiction issues in regards to alcohol or drugs. When my affair partner and I got together he and his wife had not had sex for 14 years. She shut it down after they got pregnant with their second child. Their relationship is more of a business relationship than a marriage. As for my marriage my husband truly loves me - but my love for him changed / died due to his parenting skills or lack thereof when our kids were little. Sex is just a "job" that I perform with him to keep him from becoming a complete ass to live with.
My affair partner and I had known each other for 12 years before the affair began. We were friends first....we entertained the idea of an affair back in 2002 but decided against it and put a stop to all communication between us for 6 years till we met up again in 2008.
He had started drinking just beer back in 2007 and convinced himself that he could handle it and maybe he was not ever an alcoholic in the first place. I was concerned but he assured me he was fine and could handle it.
Finally on a summer afternoon in 2014 he broke down emotionally and told me he was drinking all the time and couldn't stop. Let me clarify he doesn't drink to get drunk....he drinks to function....he drinks so his hands don't shake while he works, he drinks so he can sleep, he drinks to function which I know is called a functioning alcoholic. I told him then he needed to get help....he told me he would quit on his own...I knew that was impossible.
Fast forward to December 2014 - he now moved on to his drink of choice Scotch with water. Now advance to 2015 - during the next few months he knows he can't control it - he tries to stop on his own - he detoxes at home by himself - he tries to get help by going to a local medical facility we have here just for the day to get some counseling and detox - he also starts going to AA meetings again - he would do well during the week but the weekends he would always start up drinking again -
During all this he continues to tell me he loves me - rather he is drinking or not he isn't going anywhere - I will be the last thing he ever gives up - and I, of course, believe him
Then comes a morning in September 2015 and he can't get out of bed - he keeps blacking out and his wife and father-in-law finally find a treatment center that can take him and he texts me that he is going in for treatment and will be in touch in a week when he gets out.
9 days later he texts me he is out - tells me he needs to talk to me - we meet and he proceeds to tell me that both his sponsors and his counselor told him that in order for him to remain sober he needs to end the affair - so he did. I was devastated - 8 years together and all it took was 3 people and 9 days for him to end it all with me. The emotional and mental pain I felt that day was indescribable. I felt like a fool for ever believing anything he ever told me about our love and how he would always be there for me.
So during the first week of him ending everything with me I try to not text him or call him....he still texts me though....then I'm outside of my work place one morning on a break and he is doing work at the building across from mine and he sees me and comes over to visit with me - he then proceeds to tell me that I'm his best friend, his lover, and he can't just not communicate with me - so we continue to meet just for brief visits to discuss how our days have been - and we continue to text and talk on the phone but the sexual part of the affair has completely stopped. Until December 2015. Then it starts up again.
He did manage to stay sober for 6 months (longest time he has been sober since 2007) but then in March 2016 he started up again - only drinking at nights when he got off work blah, blah, blah - and then this past Monday he reveals to me that he is drinking all the time again. He proceeds to tell me in a text that "his father-in-law is dying of cancer, his dad is dying, his family is being evacuated from their homes in the south due to flooding and you should probably stay away for awhile" -
I don't know what to do with my time or my life. I am sad to know that he is suffering so badly but I am completely miserable to not have him as a part of my life even if it is just in texts or phone calls. And as usual I am such a weak woman when it comes to just leaving him alone that I have text him the last couple days and he has replied to my texts and this morning I called him and he answered and we visited for a few minutes then text some more though-out the day.
I could really use some support and words of wisdom from all of you who can maybe relate to what I'm going through. How did any of you just walk away from the alcoholic and the relationship between both of you? How did you get your minds to quit worrying about him and thinking about him all the time?? How did you make yourself finally realize that you deserve to be treated better than this and you don't deserve all this misery and pain because of somebody else's problem?? How did you finally walk away from the alcoholic without worrying that you were going to cause him more harm and damage by abandoning him?
I'm sorry this is so lengthy and I'm sorry if I have offended anyone with the choices and actions I made to have an affair. Life is complicated and I don't expect everyone to understand why I made the decision to cheat on my marriage vows.
Mattie said
Aug 17, 2016
I am so sorry for all the pain you are going through. I don't have the time to write out a long reply right now but I wanted to say welcome. I hope you will find a face-to-face meeting. You don't say whether you have a meeting or not, but if not, a meeting can give wonderful tools and support to handle the craziness that is going on. It's not a matter of writing out the procedure so much as a learning process with many different components, each of which helps make life better. In addition I hope you'll read through the threads on this site, and also get the literature at meetings - you will find many many people who have been through similar things. Please take good care of yourself.
Iamhere said
Aug 17, 2016
Welcome to MIP jojo - glad you found us and glad that you shared. I don't have experience with relationships beyond my marriage. I am still married to my alcoholic husband and through Al-Anon, I've been able to find my peace and joy in spite of the disease. He has health issues, so his drinking has diminished greatly, yet the isms remain.
The disease is powerful and progressive. I am a double-winner, meaning I am in AA too. I've been sober for 28+ years and have heard other stories about those who go back out and struggle to get back into recovery. Frankly, it's one reason why I work my program to the best of my ability - that scares me greatly. However, I've also heard stories where they were able to return to recovery and get back on track.
Most likely, the advice he received to end the affair, is sound advice. In both sides of the program, we are encouraged to be brutally honest with ourselves about our characteristics that affect our lives. I can't begin to understand how an affair feels, but it can't be easy for either of you. I believe fundamentally we all want to do the next right thing and choices contrary to that will really affect recovery.
Al-Anon will teach you more about the disease and the diseased and give you tools to better cope with the disease. Keep coming back!
a4l said
Aug 17, 2016
Just wanted to say welcome. Alanon teaches detachment...... Letting the alcoholic deal with him or her self, by recognizing we are powerless over their drinking, we didn't cause it, we can't control it, we can't cure it. We try our best to Let go and Let god...we use the 12 steps to help us to do it, becoming aware of our selves as we let go of others. Letting go need not be an abandonment. I can only really think of one person who I've truly loved and let go of with love, my mother, though im married to an alcoholic as well. I so understand the fear of abandonment as we imagine what an ending looks like. In reality it's looked like realising my own character flaws and how the disease of alcoholism has affected me and my life choices and my thought feel response patterns which can be skewed when I'm not actively practicing my programme. In terms of the active addicts in my life, I've better come to understand when its their disease talking and how best to love them without losing me.
In terms of you both being married...well the only requisite of alanon membership is a loved one who drinks, be they friend or family, so you don't need to share details at meetings in order to explain yourself and your participation, beyond what you're comfortable with. I don't think anyone at f2f needs to know the ins and outs, it's something I'd take to a sponsor, or a trusted few. We are a fellowship of equals, but also of humans and none of us came here well. I hope you keep coming back and I'm glad you're here.
jojo8466 said
Aug 18, 2016
Thank you for replying and for not judging me - it means a lot to me. I have a variety of fears of going to an actual Al-Anon meeting...for one we live in a very small town - the fear of running into someone who would know me or him or our spouses terrifies me to death (I believe we have been able to keep this affair going for 8 years and not getting caught because of how cautious we have been with who we have told about it and we never, ever meet in public) ....also I would have to come up with another lie to tell my spouse of where I am going at night and I really don't want to do that (when my affair partner and I would meet it would be during the day when our spouses were at work so no lie was needed to explain where we were or were we are going).....so for now this online site and all of you are my only hope to help me.
jojo8466 said
Aug 18, 2016
Just finding this site and being able to read about other problems with the alcoholic they are involved with has already helped me a little - I realized for the first time last night (after 8 years) that I can't control him, his actions or his words - he is either going to want to get better and be the man I know he can be or he isn't. The choice and actions are his to take. I can't force him to do anything by texting him messages that I hope will get a reaction out if him or by calling him and saying things that I hope will make him see the light. I need to just sit back and let him be but damn that's hard after 8 years of communication almost every day.
I have come to this site not to be judged or told what an awful person I am. I need support, understanding and guidance. My story is lengthy so bear with me....
8 years ago I began an affair with a married man who was a recovering alcoholic. He had been sober for over 30 years. He is married to a recovering alcoholic / drug addict. I am a married woman married to a recovering alcoholic that has been sober for almost 30 years. I have no addiction issues in regards to alcohol or drugs. When my affair partner and I got together he and his wife had not had sex for 14 years. She shut it down after they got pregnant with their second child. Their relationship is more of a business relationship than a marriage. As for my marriage my husband truly loves me - but my love for him changed / died due to his parenting skills or lack thereof when our kids were little. Sex is just a "job" that I perform with him to keep him from becoming a complete ass to live with.
My affair partner and I had known each other for 12 years before the affair began. We were friends first....we entertained the idea of an affair back in 2002 but decided against it and put a stop to all communication between us for 6 years till we met up again in 2008.
He had started drinking just beer back in 2007 and convinced himself that he could handle it and maybe he was not ever an alcoholic in the first place. I was concerned but he assured me he was fine and could handle it.
Finally on a summer afternoon in 2014 he broke down emotionally and told me he was drinking all the time and couldn't stop. Let me clarify he doesn't drink to get drunk....he drinks to function....he drinks so his hands don't shake while he works, he drinks so he can sleep, he drinks to function which I know is called a functioning alcoholic. I told him then he needed to get help....he told me he would quit on his own...I knew that was impossible.
Fast forward to December 2014 - he now moved on to his drink of choice Scotch with water. Now advance to 2015 - during the next few months he knows he can't control it - he tries to stop on his own - he detoxes at home by himself - he tries to get help by going to a local medical facility we have here just for the day to get some counseling and detox - he also starts going to AA meetings again - he would do well during the week but the weekends he would always start up drinking again -
During all this he continues to tell me he loves me - rather he is drinking or not he isn't going anywhere - I will be the last thing he ever gives up - and I, of course, believe him
Then comes a morning in September 2015 and he can't get out of bed - he keeps blacking out and his wife and father-in-law finally find a treatment center that can take him and he texts me that he is going in for treatment and will be in touch in a week when he gets out.
9 days later he texts me he is out - tells me he needs to talk to me - we meet and he proceeds to tell me that both his sponsors and his counselor told him that in order for him to remain sober he needs to end the affair - so he did. I was devastated - 8 years together and all it took was 3 people and 9 days for him to end it all with me. The emotional and mental pain I felt that day was indescribable. I felt like a fool for ever believing anything he ever told me about our love and how he would always be there for me.
So during the first week of him ending everything with me I try to not text him or call him....he still texts me though....then I'm outside of my work place one morning on a break and he is doing work at the building across from mine and he sees me and comes over to visit with me - he then proceeds to tell me that I'm his best friend, his lover, and he can't just not communicate with me - so we continue to meet just for brief visits to discuss how our days have been - and we continue to text and talk on the phone but the sexual part of the affair has completely stopped. Until December 2015. Then it starts up again.
He did manage to stay sober for 6 months (longest time he has been sober since 2007) but then in March 2016 he started up again - only drinking at nights when he got off work blah, blah, blah - and then this past Monday he reveals to me that he is drinking all the time again. He proceeds to tell me in a text that "his father-in-law is dying of cancer, his dad is dying, his family is being evacuated from their homes in the south due to flooding and you should probably stay away for awhile" -
I don't know what to do with my time or my life. I am sad to know that he is suffering so badly but I am completely miserable to not have him as a part of my life even if it is just in texts or phone calls. And as usual I am such a weak woman when it comes to just leaving him alone that I have text him the last couple days and he has replied to my texts and this morning I called him and he answered and we visited for a few minutes then text some more though-out the day.
I could really use some support and words of wisdom from all of you who can maybe relate to what I'm going through. How did any of you just walk away from the alcoholic and the relationship between both of you? How did you get your minds to quit worrying about him and thinking about him all the time?? How did you make yourself finally realize that you deserve to be treated better than this and you don't deserve all this misery and pain because of somebody else's problem?? How did you finally walk away from the alcoholic without worrying that you were going to cause him more harm and damage by abandoning him?
I'm sorry this is so lengthy and I'm sorry if I have offended anyone with the choices and actions I made to have an affair. Life is complicated and I don't expect everyone to understand why I made the decision to cheat on my marriage vows.
I am so sorry for all the pain you are going through. I don't have the time to write out a long reply right now but I wanted to say welcome. I hope you will find a face-to-face meeting. You don't say whether you have a meeting or not, but if not, a meeting can give wonderful tools and support to handle the craziness that is going on. It's not a matter of writing out the procedure so much as a learning process with many different components, each of which helps make life better. In addition I hope you'll read through the threads on this site, and also get the literature at meetings - you will find many many people who have been through similar things. Please take good care of yourself.
The disease is powerful and progressive. I am a double-winner, meaning I am in AA too. I've been sober for 28+ years and have heard other stories about those who go back out and struggle to get back into recovery. Frankly, it's one reason why I work my program to the best of my ability - that scares me greatly. However, I've also heard stories where they were able to return to recovery and get back on track.
Most likely, the advice he received to end the affair, is sound advice. In both sides of the program, we are encouraged to be brutally honest with ourselves about our characteristics that affect our lives. I can't begin to understand how an affair feels, but it can't be easy for either of you. I believe fundamentally we all want to do the next right thing and choices contrary to that will really affect recovery.
Al-Anon will teach you more about the disease and the diseased and give you tools to better cope with the disease. Keep coming back!
Thank you for replying and for not judging me - it means a lot to me. I have a variety of fears of going to an actual Al-Anon meeting...for one we live in a very small town - the fear of running into someone who would know me or him or our spouses terrifies me to death (I believe we have been able to keep this affair going for 8 years and not getting caught because of how cautious we have been with who we have told about it and we never, ever meet in public) ....also I would have to come up with another lie to tell my spouse of where I am going at night and I really don't want to do that (when my affair partner and I would meet it would be during the day when our spouses were at work so no lie was needed to explain where we were or were we are going).....so for now this online site and all of you are my only hope to help me.
Just finding this site and being able to read about other problems with the alcoholic they are involved with has already helped me a little - I realized for the first time last night (after 8 years) that I can't control him, his actions or his words - he is either going to want to get better and be the man I know he can be or he isn't. The choice and actions are his to take. I can't force him to do anything by texting him messages that I hope will get a reaction out if him or by calling him and saying things that I hope will make him see the light. I need to just sit back and let him be but damn that's hard after 8 years of communication almost every day.