I have been with my boyfriend for almost five years. Things have gotten worse and worse as time goes on. I know that making him leave wouldnt help him because his mother is an alcoholic as well. I would say that 5 out of 7 days he is asleep when I get home. I get upset because he will not help with any of the housework and he blames it on being tired from work but I know its because hes drunk. I can't do everything and take care of both of us. I feel like the only reason he hasn't asked me to marry him is because he's too drunk to go to the jewelery store or to even take me out. The first thing he does when he wakes up is have a drink, it's also the first thing he does when he gets home. I know that he has a physically hard job but that shouldn't mean he doesn't have to do anything at all. There's always tomorrow in his mind. He has been talking about having a baby and that he will stop drinking when i get pregnant but i don't believe him. I feel lonely and he is neglecting our relationship. I love him so much and i don't want to leave. I am about to start student teaching which means i can't work more than two days a week, i would lose my house and my car. When he is sober he is the most amazing person. When he's drunk he's mean. He had never hit me but he has put his hand on my neckand thrown things at me. He calls me stupid and a retard. When i bring it up when he sober he says I'm the smartest person he knows and that he doesn't mean anything he says. He regularly embarrasses me in public with his being drunk and it's even worse when his mother is with us. I always have to drive because he I s always over the limit. Maybe two days a month he won't drink and that's only because its inappropriate for the situation. He has ruined birthdays and anniversaries and even gotten kicked out of places making it so i have to take him home. We started dating right before i turned 20 and i thought he was just in a "party" stage but it has gitten worse and worse. I dont know how to handle this anymore and i hide it from so many people because I'm embarrassed.
KennyFenderjazz said
Aug 17, 2016
Hi Vanellope, welcome to Miracles in Progress.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease, as stated by the AMA. That means it never gets better, not without a determined program of recovery. Therefore, this will not get any better, and quite possibly worse.
You have probably found out that you have no control over his drinking. In fact, in AlAnon, we say that you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you won't cure it. As an adult human being, he has all the means to be able to stop it, but if he doesn't want to, you won't be able to make him.
The best thing I can advise you to do is go to Al Anon, you will meet people with similar situations there, and will be able to start to understand and accept and act on how truly powerless you are over this situation.
And keep coming back here!
Kenny
Jazzie18 said
Aug 17, 2016
Hi Vanellope,
I hope you can find a face-to-face meeting where you live. These are a great sources of support and you will find people who can relate to your story and whom can share some ESH. This disease is just so isolating and I can relate to the lonely feeling you have and hiding what is really going on in your life from family and friends. I met my AH when I was in my early 20s. Back then we were still in the party phase of our lives so it didn't really put up any red flags when I saw how much he could drink. He continued to be a big drinker after we got married and moved from the city but then he started to hide his drinking. What concerns me about your share is the baby part. Babies (although a great blessing) can really bring a lot of stress to a relationship. I have two young kids and having to deal with my husbands alcoholism and basically being a single parent (first the first 5-6 years of their life and until my husband got sober) was not easy. Then you have to worry about what the affect of their parents drinking will have on them down the line. Your boyfriend says that he will get sober for the baby but I really wonder if he would. He has to want to get sober for himself and right now he doesn't seem to be there yet. Sending you many positive thoughts and prayers.
Iamhere said
Aug 17, 2016
I too send welcomes out to you Vanellope - so glad that you found us and so glad that you posted. Going to meetings, reading here and literature got me engaged. Working the steps led me to peace/serenity. There is hope and help in our fellowship - keep coming back....you are not alone!
gabigail said
Aug 17, 2016
Wow! You described so much of my sister's situation with her A. I, too, married a partier and thought she was just a little immature. Not being around alcohol as a kid, I really didn't know what I was getting into. My sister was in a similar relationship with her ex by having any outing ruined, always being the DD and no commitment to marriage. He also was violent toward her and it got worse. If he is putting his hands on you, please plan ahead to get help, going to a shelter or contacting a domestic abuse hotline. In the meantime, do find a face to face Alanon meeting. It will break the cycle of isolation, as well as help you with the insanity of the disease. Finding a local meeting, you can find something in your area in case the violence escalates (in my experience, it always does). Hugs to you! And good luck with student teaching (I am a teacher, too!). And please keep coming back.
savingmyself said
Aug 17, 2016
You sound like a smart woman and I'm sorry to hear of what you're going through. I had a similar situation with my estranged A wife, while we were still dating. 27 years later and she is the same very high functioning alcoholic woman, but has added many other addictions (spending, gambling, pills, weed, people) and all of the 'isms' are much much worse. She is selfish, a liar, narcissistic, and blaming. You are ahead of where I was at your age when I was dating her. I didnt think anything was wrong. This is just one maybe similar situation to yours but I hope it helps you just a little. Even if only to feel less alone. Good luck to you.
Ijusttrytobe said
Aug 17, 2016
Wow it's like I'm looking in a mirror well I read your post. I've been with my AH for a total of six and a half years now. And I can tell do you it does get worse. My husband and I were trying to get pregnant for the last 2 years. But unfortunately none of that happen because half the time he has no interest in sex because he's too interested in drinking. In many ways this is probably a blessing. But for a woman in her mid-thirties it's kind of sad it makes me regret the decisions I've made a little. I do love my husband but I do wonder if we'll ever be there. Would we ever be good enough to have children? Right now I don't think so. And they had a Crossroads where I have to decide if that's something I really want or I have to give it up. Keep your head up. It does help talking to people about it here. Blessings.
Aerin said
Aug 18, 2016
Go ahead and read my thread about being yelled at in restaurant. That is what you have to look forward to. Thank goodness I do not have a child with him. Then the decision to leave would be even harder. Technically I can make a clean break. His son however is going to witness this for a long time. My ABF grew up with alcoholic parents (his mom acts just like him, mean drunk) and he thinks he acts nothing like that! My mom grew up with alcoholic parents and to this day it affects my mom and how she mourned loss of a real childhood. You are taking a chance he will stop due to you being pregnant. If anything, the stress of preparing for baby and newborn will sent him off to drink even more. You can read alot on here about Women with kids and an alcoholic husband and the struggles they face. xo
I have been with my boyfriend for almost five years. Things have gotten worse and worse as time goes on. I know that making him leave wouldnt help him because his mother is an alcoholic as well. I would say that 5 out of 7 days he is asleep when I get home. I get upset because he will not help with any of the housework and he blames it on being tired from work but I know its because hes drunk. I can't do everything and take care of both of us. I feel like the only reason he hasn't asked me to marry him is because he's too drunk to go to the jewelery store or to even take me out. The first thing he does when he wakes up is have a drink, it's also the first thing he does when he gets home. I know that he has a physically hard job but that shouldn't mean he doesn't have to do anything at all. There's always tomorrow in his mind. He has been talking about having a baby and that he will stop drinking when i get pregnant but i don't believe him. I feel lonely and he is neglecting our relationship. I love him so much and i don't want to leave. I am about to start student teaching which means i can't work more than two days a week, i would lose my house and my car. When he is sober he is the most amazing person. When he's drunk he's mean. He had never hit me but he has put his hand on my neckand thrown things at me. He calls me stupid and a retard. When i bring it up when he sober he says I'm the smartest person he knows and that he doesn't mean anything he says. He regularly embarrasses me in public with his being drunk and it's even worse when his mother is with us. I always have to drive because he I s always over the limit. Maybe two days a month he won't drink and that's only because its inappropriate for the situation. He has ruined birthdays and anniversaries and even gotten kicked out of places making it so i have to take him home. We started dating right before i turned 20 and i thought he was just in a "party" stage but it has gitten worse and worse. I dont know how to handle this anymore and i hide it from so many people because I'm embarrassed.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease, as stated by the AMA. That means it never gets better, not without a determined program of recovery. Therefore, this will not get any better, and quite possibly worse.
You have probably found out that you have no control over his drinking. In fact, in AlAnon, we say that you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you won't cure it. As an adult human being, he has all the means to be able to stop it, but if he doesn't want to, you won't be able to make him.
The best thing I can advise you to do is go to Al Anon, you will meet people with similar situations there, and will be able to start to understand and accept and act on how truly powerless you are over this situation.
And keep coming back here!
Kenny
I hope you can find a face-to-face meeting where you live. These are a great sources of support and you will find people who can relate to your story and whom can share some ESH. This disease is just so isolating and I can relate to the lonely feeling you have and hiding what is really going on in your life from family and friends. I met my AH when I was in my early 20s. Back then we were still in the party phase of our lives so it didn't really put up any red flags when I saw how much he could drink. He continued to be a big drinker after we got married and moved from the city but then he started to hide his drinking. What concerns me about your share is the baby part. Babies (although a great blessing) can really bring a lot of stress to a relationship. I have two young kids and having to deal with my husbands alcoholism and basically being a single parent (first the first 5-6 years of their life and until my husband got sober) was not easy. Then you have to worry about what the affect of their parents drinking will have on them down the line. Your boyfriend says that he will get sober for the baby but I really wonder if he would. He has to want to get sober for himself and right now he doesn't seem to be there yet. Sending you many positive thoughts and prayers.