My oldest son began his experimenting with substances about 10 years ago. His disease progressed quickly and by 16-17, he was full-blown into H/addiction/alcohol abuse. We had him in 5 treatment centers, 2 mental health facilities and he even went into state custody at one point. I recall a long road-trip shortly after I came to Al-Anon where I spent the 12 hours driving talking to God about accepting him as he was, his disease as it is and the worse case scenario - a life lost to the disease.
That was a huge turning point for me because as I talked with God, cried about the worse case scenario and continued my drive, I realized that no matter what happened, I would be OK. I would be able to survive and still be a good person. His disease was not my fault. I didn't cause it, and I could not cure it. Just a lot of processing with a different perspective at the finish - he was on loan to me, God has my back and his and I would be OK.
Any ways, he did finally find AA shortly before his 19th birthday. He stayed sober 5 years, then relapsed and then returned. His relapse was only about 6-7 months, but as we hear, his disease laid in wait and his life became unmanageable very, very fast - it started where he left off - nothing gradual about it. He got sober again, and recently walked from AA and is doing his own way of sobriety.
Understand, as one in AA for 28+ years, his choice to do his own thing did not sit well with me. Because of Al-Anon, and what you've taught me, I have not shared my thoughts/concerns much - and invite him to a meeting about once a month or so. I have accepted that his journey is his and God still has his back.
So - for 10 years, we've battled. About the disease, about life, about many, many things. This disease robbed me of my sweet boy and I've not seen him yet. Even when he was active in recovery, the disease was close to the surface, he was guarded and as defiant as ever. It's clear to me he resents me more than any other person. I know because of my own journey this happens because I was the primary force that interrupted his disease/desire to be altered continuously from reality.
We've tried to talk it out, and it doesn't ever progress forward. He has many narcissistic tendencies and has no regard for how anyone else thinks, feels, etc. He's still young, so my hope is that as he matures, our relationship can rebound. However, as a result of my recovery in Al-Anon, we have planned weekly dinners. Each week on Wednesday night, the grand-babies, he and his baby momma are going to come for dinner. Last week was our first successful get-together in 10 years!!!
Tonight is our second and I realized this morning that I do not have fear or anxiety. I am not concerned about how it will go. I do not dread their arrival and am looking forward to it. This, for me and our family, is a miracle as none of us ever thought we'd get 'here' from there. I do not every expect "Norman Rockwell" in my family and things are far from perfect, but this miracle for me shows how powerful our program is.
When I admitted I was powerless and my life was unmanageable, I felt relief - not sadness.
When I came to believe a power greater than I could and would restore me to sanity, I felt hope - not hopeless.
When I began turning my will and life over to the care of my HP, I felt love and lovable - not deformed or broken.
When I took my inventory, and began to see where I contributed, I felt determined to be a better person - not pity for my circumstances.
As I progressed through each step and phase of my journey, I continued to do as others told me - kept the focus on me. Work on forgiveness. Detach with Love. Establish Boundaries. Seek to understand. Practice active listening. Let Go and Let God.
I never know what the outcome will be, and am perfectly OK with that today. I've been given a new way of living, being, loving and am so grateful for Al-Anon, my spiritual progress and my extended recovery family. Dinner tonight will be good - and God's got my back, his back and your back too!
Make it a great Wednesday all - off to the store for fixings, F2F meeting today and you know where I will be tonight! (((Hugs))) to all!
El said
Aug 17, 2016
Oh my gosh- your post made me cry! I cannot even begin to convey all I would like to respond to; the post leaves me almost speechless.
What a journey and how lucky we are to read your shares and inspiration on a daily basis! I am so happy that you are re-connecting, and I am sure your son is too!
Have a WONDERFUL Wednesday night dinner!! Really, so happy for you!
Hugs and love to you!
El
Iamhere said
Aug 17, 2016
Thanks El - one item I forgot to mention....the weekly dinners were his idea, not mine. I truly almost fell to the floor when he suggested it.
By the grace of God, go I!!
serenity47 said
Aug 18, 2016
That is awesome. Thank you for sharing that. I had a moment of clarity when you said that he had the most resentments towards you because you were the one that got in the way of his disease the most. I have always stewed over why my daughter is that way with me as well at times. I know she holds resentments towards me and I do not understand it but you just shed some light on it for me so thank you. I pray as we both grow in the program and she matures that this will improve. It already has began to.
El said
Aug 18, 2016
Even more special that the dinners were your son's idea! I believe under all HIS layers, he has missed you very much.
Again, thank you for your awesome post, along with all the program steps that tie it together. Soooo helpful!
Have a great day, Iamhere!
Hugs,
El
Calm Lady said
Aug 18, 2016
A joy to read your share, IAH. Amazing things can happen when we work out program.
milkwood said
Aug 18, 2016
You really are someone special - thank you for sharing this with us ((((hugs))))
When my husband complained that I was to blame and that I didn't accept him unconditionally I told him 'Yay! Three cheers. I'm really really proud that I didn't accept alcoholic behaviour. Thank you for noticing!' That surprised him a bit and he hasn't complained much since!!
-- Edited by milkwood on Thursday 18th of August 2016 11:27:27 AM
hotrod said
Aug 18, 2016
Beautiful post Iam Many prayers and positive thoughts on the way for you and your family.
-- Edited by Iamhere on Sunday 31st of January 2021 11:30:19 AM
Iamhere said
Aug 18, 2016
Thanks all - I feel like I am doing an infomercial - this post and my program success is a by-product of the gifts this program makes available to ALL of US!!! I remember how lost I was when I arrived, broken, sad, hopeless and so much more. Because others were willing and able to lead me through the steps of this program, I get to share the miracles with all of you.
It was an interesting evening.....I am amazed at how consistent 2 year old children are. Their oldest had no interest in sitting down for dinner - he just wanted to play. I got to watch my son witness his son have a total melt-down and it brought back so many memories!!
Grateful to be a program grand-parent today.....so grateful!
My oldest son began his experimenting with substances about 10 years ago. His disease progressed quickly and by 16-17, he was full-blown into H/addiction/alcohol abuse. We had him in 5 treatment centers, 2 mental health facilities and he even went into state custody at one point. I recall a long road-trip shortly after I came to Al-Anon where I spent the 12 hours driving talking to God about accepting him as he was, his disease as it is and the worse case scenario - a life lost to the disease.
That was a huge turning point for me because as I talked with God, cried about the worse case scenario and continued my drive, I realized that no matter what happened, I would be OK. I would be able to survive and still be a good person. His disease was not my fault. I didn't cause it, and I could not cure it. Just a lot of processing with a different perspective at the finish - he was on loan to me, God has my back and his and I would be OK.
Any ways, he did finally find AA shortly before his 19th birthday. He stayed sober 5 years, then relapsed and then returned. His relapse was only about 6-7 months, but as we hear, his disease laid in wait and his life became unmanageable very, very fast - it started where he left off - nothing gradual about it. He got sober again, and recently walked from AA and is doing his own way of sobriety.
Understand, as one in AA for 28+ years, his choice to do his own thing did not sit well with me. Because of Al-Anon, and what you've taught me, I have not shared my thoughts/concerns much - and invite him to a meeting about once a month or so. I have accepted that his journey is his and God still has his back.
So - for 10 years, we've battled. About the disease, about life, about many, many things. This disease robbed me of my sweet boy and I've not seen him yet. Even when he was active in recovery, the disease was close to the surface, he was guarded and as defiant as ever. It's clear to me he resents me more than any other person. I know because of my own journey this happens because I was the primary force that interrupted his disease/desire to be altered continuously from reality.
We've tried to talk it out, and it doesn't ever progress forward. He has many narcissistic tendencies and has no regard for how anyone else thinks, feels, etc. He's still young, so my hope is that as he matures, our relationship can rebound. However, as a result of my recovery in Al-Anon, we have planned weekly dinners. Each week on Wednesday night, the grand-babies, he and his baby momma are going to come for dinner. Last week was our first successful get-together in 10 years!!!
Tonight is our second and I realized this morning that I do not have fear or anxiety. I am not concerned about how it will go. I do not dread their arrival and am looking forward to it. This, for me and our family, is a miracle as none of us ever thought we'd get 'here' from there. I do not every expect "Norman Rockwell" in my family and things are far from perfect, but this miracle for me shows how powerful our program is.
When I admitted I was powerless and my life was unmanageable, I felt relief - not sadness.
When I came to believe a power greater than I could and would restore me to sanity, I felt hope - not hopeless.
When I began turning my will and life over to the care of my HP, I felt love and lovable - not deformed or broken.
When I took my inventory, and began to see where I contributed, I felt determined to be a better person - not pity for my circumstances.
As I progressed through each step and phase of my journey, I continued to do as others told me - kept the focus on me. Work on forgiveness. Detach with Love. Establish Boundaries. Seek to understand. Practice active listening. Let Go and Let God.
I never know what the outcome will be, and am perfectly OK with that today. I've been given a new way of living, being, loving and am so grateful for Al-Anon, my spiritual progress and my extended recovery family. Dinner tonight will be good - and God's got my back, his back and your back too!
Make it a great Wednesday all - off to the store for fixings, F2F meeting today and you know where I will be tonight! (((Hugs))) to all!
Oh my gosh- your post made me cry! I cannot even begin to convey all I would like to respond to; the post leaves me almost speechless.
What a journey and how lucky we are to read your shares and inspiration on a daily basis! I am so happy that you are re-connecting, and I am sure your son is too!
Have a WONDERFUL Wednesday night dinner!! Really, so happy for you!
Hugs and love to you!
El
By the grace of God, go I!!
Even more special that the dinners were your son's idea! I believe under all HIS layers, he has missed you very much.
Again, thank you for your awesome post, along with all the program steps that tie it together. Soooo helpful!
Have a great day, Iamhere!
Hugs,
El
You really are someone special - thank you for sharing this with us ((((hugs))))
When my husband complained that I was to blame and that I didn't accept him unconditionally I told him 'Yay! Three cheers. I'm really really proud that I didn't accept alcoholic behaviour. Thank you for noticing!' That surprised him a bit and he hasn't complained much since!!
-- Edited by milkwood on Thursday 18th of August 2016 11:27:27 AM
Beautiful post Iam Many prayers and positive thoughts on the way for you and your family.
-- Edited by Iamhere on Sunday 31st of January 2021 11:30:19 AM
It was an interesting evening.....I am amazed at how consistent 2 year old children are. Their oldest had no interest in sitting down for dinner - he just wanted to play. I got to watch my son witness his son have a total melt-down and it brought back so many memories!!
Grateful to be a program grand-parent today.....so grateful!