I just spent a week off with my family. In the past a week away with AH and my daughter and all our family coming on different days to visit would have been a nightmare for me. All the anxiety about his drinking, the monitoring, the need to feel like I had to confront every miss step he made and point out problems every moment. Feeling like I had no control of my life and that I was at the whim of an unpredictable A would have made me ready to come back to work. But this was not how I felt at all this past week. Sure my AH drank some nights and was a bit obnoxious and some mornings he was in a terrible mood but it didn't effect me the way it has in the past. I'm not saying I wasn't bothered by some of the things that occurred but I felt more capable of handing my own life than I have in the past. And on top of that I felt confident in giving him back the responsibility of his own drinking. After all he's an intelligent capable man he doesn't need me to tell him what to do. With that change in attitude I was actually able to relax a lot on vacation. Lately I've been in the terrible habit of counting beer cans and that just made me miserable. I was actually able to let that go. I don't need to count the cans to determine what kind of day I'm going to have. I can decide what kind of day to have. When he was in a mood I made my own plans and had my own fun. When he drank too much and went to bed very early I took some time to myself to unwind and sit by the lake and listen to the waves. When he actually worked on NOT drinking too much and we all had some great family time I allowed myself to enjoy that too. When I couldn't take the moodiness one day I told him so. He told me he was trying to get out of the bad mood and he was struggling and I was able to stop taking it personally.
A while ago I made an intentional decision to give him back the responsibility of his drinking. By monitoring, pointing out and criticizing his drinking it was just making him hide it from me more (or try to hide it) and it was making it worse. Since then I have been reminding myself that his drinking is his responsibility not mine. I've noticed him noticing his own drinking more. He often sets an intention that he will cut back during the week and sometimes he is successful and sometimes he's not. He's been telling me his plan to ensure he doesn't get too out of control when with friends who drink even more than he does. he's even been avoiding friends who tend to drink too much. In the past I would have seen this as ridiculous. If he's not going to go to AA and stop drinking he's not doing enough, he's not going to succeed he's still deluding himself. But lately I've had a change of mind about that. All that can be a good sign. A sign that he at least cares about how much he drinks, how his drinking is effecting me and others in his life. It is a sign that he has some awareness (even if I think he still fools himself about how much he actually drinks). So instead of criticizing his efforts because it's not the way I think he should do it I've decided to keep my hands off and let him figure it out for himself. I see those things as a positive. I still have a realistic understanding of the disease to know that he will not always succeed so my hopes don't get too high when he makes plans to cut back. I'm leaving it up to him and his HP. I'm working with my HP to make my life better and enjoy things despite the circumstances.
I was driving to work today and I realized that for the first time in a long time I am coming back more relaxed. I took a real break. It's such a relief to feel that way. I feel more sane than I have in the past. So I wanted to write this and share it because it feels really good and it is all due to Al Anon.
El said
Aug 15, 2016
Love this post, KT. I could have written it as our circumstances sound so similar, as well as our thought processes.
Instead of counting beer cans, I find myself tuned into how often I hear the popping open of a beer can. That noise is like nails on a chalkboard to me at times. I am not letting it ruin my day, however.
I am soooo glad you were able to enjoy yourself and relax. Excellent!!
Hugs- El
Mirandac said
Aug 15, 2016
Great post KT thats the way to work it! Glad
You enjoyed your vacation.
((((((((( KT )))))))))
Iamhere said
Aug 15, 2016
Lovely share KT - so great to see how the program is helping you live your life and enjoy your vacation! So glad that you got away, got some needed rest and were able to do some detaching from the disease and the diseased! Keep working it - it looks so good on you!
(((Hugs))) - make it a great day back (rarely was the first day back from vacation a joy.....still hoping yours is!!)
lookingup said
Aug 15, 2016
Great share kt ,I can relate also,you have really enlightened me on detaching ,an eye opener I'm no longer living with an active a but I never really know when I will be either so this I will remember to allow the a to be responsible for their own dicisions ,I'm enjoying not having a a around its almost like I'm on a vacation in my own home it's so quiet ,lol,I'm planning on keeping it this way as long as I have alanon and working my steps I think I'll be fine.........thank you KT.....hugs lu
KT2015 said
Aug 16, 2016
Thanks all I appreciate your feedback and support. I think you put a name to it I guess I am practicing detachment with his drinking and it feels good and it feels uneasy all at the same time. I know it is the right step and I keep moving forward one moment at a time. I feel like I am starting to live my own life no matter what my AH does. I hope he gets help I hope he gains insight and I can genuinely say I wish him well (not something I could always say) but his choices don't have to dictate how my life will go. Live and let Live is the slogan I am still working with a focus on the first part LIVE :)
Iamhere said
Aug 16, 2016
Keep working it KT - looks so good on you!!! (((Hugs))) - I did chuckle at the (not something I could always say) - before the program, I often thought my life would be better if mine just passed away! That was some crazy thinking on my part, and clearly HP had different plans as he's still here and we're still together. It's far from perfect, but like you, I've found a path that works for me, one day at a time!
mb2016 said
Aug 16, 2016
I love this post! I'm on vacation now and having a very similar experience. My AH has been really trying to not drink a lot for me and I'm trying to look at it as a good thing though of course he brought his own bottle of Jack and decided to make a second drink tonight even though the kids and I are going to bed. I needed to read this post to remind myself to stay in my hula hoop and not let the anxiety I feel when I hear the ice in the glass paralyze me. I realized that I can I have a nice break, make some nice memories for my kids, instead of getting angry or questioning why he needs to drink at all.
One day at a time!
Iamhere said
Aug 16, 2016
Welcome to MIP mb2016 - so glad you found us and glad that you joined right in! Enjoy your vacation - let go and let God seems to be a theme for today!!!
ODAAT - Keep coming back!!
Jerry F said
Aug 16, 2016
I love listening to winners. It increases my confidence that I will be able to stay serene and sane whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. Mahalo to all you winners and KT I blame you for starting this...LOL (((((hugs)))))
laxplayer24 said
Aug 16, 2016
Iamhere.......glad to read your response to KT's awesome post! On Sunday I decided I would stay with my binge AH because he was probably going to die sooner rather than later and I just need to stick it out. I have wished him dead at times lately and I hate to admit it......so I am glad to read that I am not the only one who has those thoughts. I need to focus on me and let him control his own drinking.
laxplayer24 said
Aug 16, 2016
I really needed to read this post tonight KT as my binge AH said he was quitting and has yet to do so. I was getting ready to drive myself crazy getting angry and pissed off that once again he lied, and once again I believed him. After reading your post and responses from others, I am going to try to separate myself from his drinking and not wonder when he is coming to bed or how much of his vodka bottle he is going to drink. He is going to do what he is going to do no matter how much I worry about it.....so tonight I am letting go of those worries! Okay, realistically I am going to try to let go and let him deal with his own drinking.....one day at a time!
Jerry F said
Aug 17, 2016
There you go!!!!! it works when we work it. Wanna hear how it turns out for you. (((((hugs)))))
Calm Lady said
Aug 17, 2016
Great to read your post. Must feel like a big weight put down.
Al-anon works if you work it. I love our program.
el-cee said
Aug 17, 2016
I so needed to read this today. I forgot my sanity is connected to letting go. Ive been trying to control my sons drinking again. Always back to step 1. I need to remember to let him have full responsibility for his drinking and to decide how to deal with it. I also believed AA or nothing but at 23 its unlikely he will be ready for that yet, hes still got lots of denial in him yet, so I suppose any effort on his part to address it is acceptable, although, its none of my business one way or the other. Thank you
Hi All,
I just spent a week off with my family. In the past a week away with AH and my daughter and all our family coming on different days to visit would have been a nightmare for me. All the anxiety about his drinking, the monitoring, the need to feel like I had to confront every miss step he made and point out problems every moment. Feeling like I had no control of my life and that I was at the whim of an unpredictable A would have made me ready to come back to work. But this was not how I felt at all this past week. Sure my AH drank some nights and was a bit obnoxious and some mornings he was in a terrible mood but it didn't effect me the way it has in the past. I'm not saying I wasn't bothered by some of the things that occurred but I felt more capable of handing my own life than I have in the past. And on top of that I felt confident in giving him back the responsibility of his own drinking. After all he's an intelligent capable man he doesn't need me to tell him what to do. With that change in attitude I was actually able to relax a lot on vacation. Lately I've been in the terrible habit of counting beer cans and that just made me miserable. I was actually able to let that go. I don't need to count the cans to determine what kind of day I'm going to have. I can decide what kind of day to have. When he was in a mood I made my own plans and had my own fun. When he drank too much and went to bed very early I took some time to myself to unwind and sit by the lake and listen to the waves. When he actually worked on NOT drinking too much and we all had some great family time I allowed myself to enjoy that too. When I couldn't take the moodiness one day I told him so. He told me he was trying to get out of the bad mood and he was struggling and I was able to stop taking it personally.
A while ago I made an intentional decision to give him back the responsibility of his drinking. By monitoring, pointing out and criticizing his drinking it was just making him hide it from me more (or try to hide it) and it was making it worse. Since then I have been reminding myself that his drinking is his responsibility not mine. I've noticed him noticing his own drinking more. He often sets an intention that he will cut back during the week and sometimes he is successful and sometimes he's not. He's been telling me his plan to ensure he doesn't get too out of control when with friends who drink even more than he does. he's even been avoiding friends who tend to drink too much. In the past I would have seen this as ridiculous. If he's not going to go to AA and stop drinking he's not doing enough, he's not going to succeed he's still deluding himself. But lately I've had a change of mind about that. All that can be a good sign. A sign that he at least cares about how much he drinks, how his drinking is effecting me and others in his life. It is a sign that he has some awareness (even if I think he still fools himself about how much he actually drinks). So instead of criticizing his efforts because it's not the way I think he should do it I've decided to keep my hands off and let him figure it out for himself. I see those things as a positive. I still have a realistic understanding of the disease to know that he will not always succeed so my hopes don't get too high when he makes plans to cut back. I'm leaving it up to him and his HP. I'm working with my HP to make my life better and enjoy things despite the circumstances.
I was driving to work today and I realized that for the first time in a long time I am coming back more relaxed. I took a real break. It's such a relief to feel that way. I feel more sane than I have in the past. So I wanted to write this and share it because it feels really good and it is all due to Al Anon.
Love this post, KT. I could have written it as our circumstances sound so similar, as well as our thought processes.
Instead of counting beer cans, I find myself tuned into how often I hear the popping open of a beer can. That noise is like nails on a chalkboard to me at times. I am not letting it ruin my day, however.
I am soooo glad you were able to enjoy yourself and relax. Excellent!!
Hugs- El
You enjoyed your vacation.
((((((((( KT )))))))))
(((Hugs))) - make it a great day back (rarely was the first day back from vacation a joy.....still hoping yours is!!)
ODAAT - Keep coming back!!
I love listening to winners. It increases my confidence that I will be able to stay serene and sane whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. Mahalo to all you winners and KT I blame you for starting this...LOL (((((hugs)))))
Iamhere.......glad to read your response to KT's awesome post! On Sunday I decided I would stay with my binge AH because he was probably going to die sooner rather than later and I just need to stick it out. I have wished him dead at times lately and I hate to admit it......so I am glad to read that I am not the only one who has those thoughts. I need to focus on me and let him control his own drinking.
I really needed to read this post tonight KT as my binge AH said he was quitting and has yet to do so. I was getting ready to drive myself crazy getting angry and pissed off that once again he lied, and once again I believed him. After reading your post and responses from others, I am going to try to separate myself from his drinking and not wonder when he is coming to bed or how much of his vodka bottle he is going to drink. He is going to do what he is going to do no matter how much I worry about it.....so tonight I am letting go of those worries! Okay, realistically I am going to try to let go and let him deal with his own drinking.....one day at a time!
There you go!!!!! it works when we work it. Wanna hear how it turns out for you. (((((hugs)))))
Al-anon works if you work it. I love our program.
I so needed to read this today. I forgot my sanity is connected to letting go. Ive been trying to control my sons drinking again. Always back to step 1. I need to remember to let him have full responsibility for his drinking and to decide how to deal with it. I also believed AA or nothing but at 23 its unlikely he will be ready for that yet, hes still got lots of denial in him yet, so I suppose any effort on his part to address it is acceptable, although, its none of my business one way or the other. Thank you