I have tried meetings in the past and heard how you have to not let his drinking affect you......live your own life etc. How is that possible?? If you are married or live together then you can't just live your own life. Bills need to be paid.
I am married to a binge drinker alcoholic. He can stay drunk for days to weeks to months. And he can go days, weeks and months without drinking. Al-anon teaches you to focus on yourself and not the alcoholic. How in the heck do you do that when you are living with it every day. When he is on a binge he does nothing but drink. We get more behind in our bills. We fight even though I know it is stupid and absolutely nothing good can come of it. I have my own job and can at least get away during work time but then it is time to come back to the real world of my life.
Sorry to be going on and on.....I am at my wits end. Wondering when enough is enough. When is it time to get off the roller coaster of life with a binge alcoholic?
Mattie said
Aug 14, 2016
It is fine to leave any time you have thought it over carefully and decided that is the right next step.
Al-Anon urges us not to make decisions too fast (unless there is physical danger) because often we are not really prepared for everything that comes with leaving - for instance, the second thoughts, regrets, loneliness, fear, sadness, guilt, etc. Not to say that these happen to everyone or that they are warranted (especially the guilt). But they can happen to us anyway unless we are prepared with perspective and recovery and a support system. Then sometimes we go back on our decision or make unfortunate choices. And if we don't come to understand how we got into that bad situation with the drinker, we are very likely to get into another similar situation with another addict. So leaving isn't a magic fix, it's just one part of recovery. And we can also work our recovery without leaving. That would involve protecting ourselves in other ways: separating our finances, finding ways to protect ourselves when the binges happen, and learning to detach and keep our own serenity no matter what happens.
I hope you can find a face-to-face meeting and start your own recovery in earnest. Get the literature, read the threads on this site, find a sponsor - and keep coming back. Hugs.
el-cee said
Aug 14, 2016
I can understand your doubts, it seemed strange to me at first too. I learned I was sick because of living within alcoholism and that meant I was obsessed with the drinker, he was the only thing I thought about. His drinking determined my moods, feelings , whole life really, he had power over me always. I have him that power. When I learned to focus on me, take my eyes off him. I slowly gained my individuality and my own life back. Alanon meetings, literature, sponsorvhelped me.
laxplayer24 said
Aug 14, 2016
Thank you for your responses! I need to figure out how to detach. I, too, have my moods set by the mood of my AH. That is stupid but hard not to do in my opinion.
Iamhere said
Aug 14, 2016
Welcome laxplayer to MIP! You are correct - detaching is key as well as boundaries that can be put in place that work for your sanity! Both of these sound simple in concept, but I honestly could not get moving forward without Al-Anon meetings and the support from others who went before me. I realize you tried before - I went and said....not for me. Then things got progressively worse, I was at my wits end and returned. I heard what I needed to hear and stayed around.
The program does work if you can keep an open mind and keep the focus on you. I fully understand all the issues you make mention of and nobody will suggest you stay in a situation where you are not able to (financially, emotionally, etc.) It takes a ton of practice to not let their issues, chaos and drama affect your serenity but it is possible!
Glad you found us and glad you joined right in! Keep coming back - you are not alone!
laxplayer24 said
Aug 14, 2016
Thank you!
Aerin said
Aug 14, 2016
I have the binge drinker issue too. Although he only goes about 5 days. Drinks one or two days and stops for another 5. So he sees that as no big deal. As he says, its not like hes drunk every day like some men. My moods are also affected by him. Luckily I dont live with him though. But I worry when Im not there. Like what is he doing? sneaking drinks? we have lots of things to learn
laxplayer24 said
Aug 15, 2016
I hate always wondering when he is going to start up again. What small thing will he use as an excuse to drink. Mine will go for weeks at a time drunk. Hard to believe someone could do that.
Calm Lady said
Aug 16, 2016
laxplayer24 wrote:
Thank you for your responses! I need to figure out how to detach. I, too, have my moods set by the mood of my AH. That is stupid but hard not to do in my opinion.
I relate to this very much. It is hard to detach and not be affected. I am getting better at it with practise. I find the best thing to do is remove myself if at all possible.
In my experience with A's, they seem to want you to match your mood to theirs. So if they happy, they want you to be, if they are angry, depressed etc they want you to act the same. They don't seem to realise we are separate people with separate feelings.
My parents were like this, AH is too.
Bethany66 said
Aug 16, 2016
Welcome laxplayer24. Alcoholism is a baffling disease and the more we try to make sense of it, the crazier we seem to get! My AH is a binge drinker too. He tends to go on benders every couple of weeks, but sometimes it is a couple days and sometimes it is a couple months. And like you, there was a constant need in me to find the "triggers". Learning to take the focus of all my attention and mental energy off of my AH is not an easy task, but as I gain strength and resolve in myself and had over my days to a power greater than myself, I see the benefit to myself. I have more peace and sanity than I have in a very long time.
As far as staying or going, only you can determine when that needs to be dealt with. I am working really hard to maintain my marriage. But I do know that it is a real possibility that this will not be possible. I am willing to take it one day at a time and let my HP guide me in that area. So far, I am staying. But that may not be the case for you. We don't give advice in these types of situations, only offer our own stories and encouragement, strength and hope.
Keep coming back and find a face to face meeting in your area. This program is life changing if you are willing to do the work.
(((((Hugs))))))
laxplayer24 said
Aug 16, 2016
Haven't met anyone with a binge AH......sorry you are on the same roller coaster that I am! My AH said he was quitiing on Monday.....admitted that he had lost control. He decided though that he should wean off instead of going cold turkey. I agreed because I know it is safer. Day 2 of weaning and he is still drinking/weaning with practically the same amt of alcohol. I had to explain without pissing him off that weaning meant drinking less.
I am so sick and tired of the lies. I read in one of tge self help books that alcoholics lie. Plain and simple. They lie. And they get away with it because we don't want to set them off and "cause" them to start on another binge.
I would really like to just leave but I won't. I have been on the ride for almost 7 years. You are right Bethany66.......trying to make sense of alcoholism just makes us crazy!
Aerin said
Aug 17, 2016
Bethany, My ABF tries the weaing off thing and he goes about 5 days. On average its 2x a week. For some people that may seem great but during tthose "sober" days he is quiet and moody and I swear I can tell he is really wanting a drink. He says no of course.
Bethany66 said
Aug 31, 2016
My AH has convinced himself he does NOT have a problem with alcohol because he doesn't drink every day, like he imagines an alcoholic does. Never the less, he can down an entire bottle of vodka between 5 and 10 pm with no problem at all. And he can do that for days on end when he is on what I call a "bender". It is physically harming his body and things get broken or unattended while he is off on he tear. I quit picking up after him, quit picking up the slack, quit making excuses and quit taking responsibility for things that do not belong to me. I don't think he has even noticed, but it makes me feel a tad more sane at the end of the day.
geems said
Aug 31, 2016
When I did change my behavior like you Bethany66, and stopped doing this or started doing that.... mine never seemed to notice. This was the setting myself free moment. I realized I no longer was invested in the outcome of the interactions..did not care if he ignored me for days, if he was sullen and pouty, critical of everything around him. He chose to continue to abuse and he can own it.
I have tried meetings in the past and heard how you have to not let his drinking affect you......live your own life etc. How is that possible?? If you are married or live together then you can't just live your own life. Bills need to be paid.
I am married to a binge drinker alcoholic. He can stay drunk for days to weeks to months. And he can go days, weeks and months without drinking. Al-anon teaches you to focus on yourself and not the alcoholic. How in the heck do you do that when you are living with it every day. When he is on a binge he does nothing but drink. We get more behind in our bills. We fight even though I know it is stupid and absolutely nothing good can come of it. I have my own job and can at least get away during work time but then it is time to come back to the real world of my life.
Sorry to be going on and on.....I am at my wits end. Wondering when enough is enough. When is it time to get off the roller coaster of life with a binge alcoholic?
It is fine to leave any time you have thought it over carefully and decided that is the right next step.
Al-Anon urges us not to make decisions too fast (unless there is physical danger) because often we are not really prepared for everything that comes with leaving - for instance, the second thoughts, regrets, loneliness, fear, sadness, guilt, etc. Not to say that these happen to everyone or that they are warranted (especially the guilt). But they can happen to us anyway unless we are prepared with perspective and recovery and a support system. Then sometimes we go back on our decision or make unfortunate choices. And if we don't come to understand how we got into that bad situation with the drinker, we are very likely to get into another similar situation with another addict. So leaving isn't a magic fix, it's just one part of recovery. And we can also work our recovery without leaving. That would involve protecting ourselves in other ways: separating our finances, finding ways to protect ourselves when the binges happen, and learning to detach and keep our own serenity no matter what happens.
I hope you can find a face-to-face meeting and start your own recovery in earnest. Get the literature, read the threads on this site, find a sponsor - and keep coming back. Hugs.
I can understand your doubts, it seemed strange to me at first too. I learned I was sick because of living within alcoholism and that meant I was obsessed with the drinker, he was the only thing I thought about. His drinking determined my moods, feelings , whole life really, he had power over me always. I have him that power. When I learned to focus on me, take my eyes off him. I slowly gained my individuality and my own life back. Alanon meetings, literature, sponsorvhelped me.
Thank you for your responses! I need to figure out how to detach. I, too, have my moods set by the mood of my AH. That is stupid but hard not to do in my opinion.
The program does work if you can keep an open mind and keep the focus on you. I fully understand all the issues you make mention of and nobody will suggest you stay in a situation where you are not able to (financially, emotionally, etc.) It takes a ton of practice to not let their issues, chaos and drama affect your serenity but it is possible!
Glad you found us and glad you joined right in! Keep coming back - you are not alone!
Thank you!
I hate always wondering when he is going to start up again. What small thing will he use as an excuse to drink. Mine will go for weeks at a time drunk. Hard to believe someone could do that.
I relate to this very much. It is hard to detach and not be affected. I am getting better at it with practise. I find the best thing to do is remove myself if at all possible.
In my experience with A's, they seem to want you to match your mood to theirs. So if they happy, they want you to be, if they are angry, depressed etc they want you to act the same. They don't seem to realise we are separate people with separate feelings.
My parents were like this, AH is too.
As far as staying or going, only you can determine when that needs to be dealt with. I am working really hard to maintain my marriage. But I do know that it is a real possibility that this will not be possible. I am willing to take it one day at a time and let my HP guide me in that area. So far, I am staying. But that may not be the case for you. We don't give advice in these types of situations, only offer our own stories and encouragement, strength and hope.
Keep coming back and find a face to face meeting in your area. This program is life changing if you are willing to do the work.
(((((Hugs))))))
Haven't met anyone with a binge AH......sorry you are on the same roller coaster that I am! My AH said he was quitiing on Monday.....admitted that he had lost control. He decided though that he should wean off instead of going cold turkey. I agreed because I know it is safer. Day 2 of weaning and he is still drinking/weaning with practically the same amt of alcohol. I had to explain without pissing him off that weaning meant drinking less.
I am so sick and tired of the lies. I read in one of tge self help books that alcoholics lie. Plain and simple. They lie. And they get away with it because we don't want to set them off and "cause" them to start on another binge.
I would really like to just leave but I won't. I have been on the ride for almost 7 years. You are right Bethany66.......trying to make sense of alcoholism just makes us crazy!