Hello Everyone,

I have a wonderful boyfriend. He takes such good care of me; leaves me sweet notes, supports me with any issues, makes me dinner, and always makes sure I know that I am loved. He wakes up at 5 am everyday, eats a healthy breakfast, goes to the gym for an hour before work, and an hour and a half after work.

He's had his job for 9 years, and everyone loves him at his job. He doesn't drink during the week. He always cooks, cleans, and keeps his bills paid.

He's had 2 DUI's. The first one was a long time ago; about 5 years. The 2nd one was 2 years ago, and he went to a basketball game with 2 of his buddies (die hard fans) and they drank way too much, and as he was driving home, he wrecked his truck. Thank God no one was hurt. He did try to drunkenly run; but he came back because his two friends refused to leave. He has done diversion; completed all of his community service within a very short time, and paid his fines. I met him halfway through his year of being sober and going to court-ordered AA. He did not drink for the first 5 months of our relationship. He still admits what he did was very wrong, and regrets it everyday. He is grateful no one was hurt. 

However, I did not realize the depth of his addiction until now - we've been together for 2 weeks short of a year. So again, the first 5 months together was sober time, in which he had great difficulty in watching me drink, when he could not. But he stayed strong. As soon as that year was up, though, he had a couple of beers to celebrate. The next 4 months, he quit twice, for a month each, because he values his workout routine, health, and hated feeling so shitty. 

That's the first 9 months of our relationship. 

The last two have been pretty rough. It was my birthday party on Saturday, 8/30, and we invited his family and a couple of my girlfriends over for a pool party. The previous night, he drank way too much, 7 shots of tequilla, and around 20 beers. I had 2 shots and then drank water the rest of the night, because I knew I had to take care of him. Let's also remember his boss was there, and he made a total fool of himself, but his boss was pretty drunk too. There have been several weekends where he has done this. He never complains about his hangovers, so I believe I wasn't aware of how bad it was getting. I slept in my room (yes we have separate rooms) and asked him 4 times to leave my room because I didn't want to deal with the drunken snoring and drunken affection.

So this Saturday, day of my birthday party, I woke up after this incident, and told him "Look, I really can't deal with this anymore. You were out of hand last night. I can't keep doing this with you. It has to stop. Can you please try to be careful today? It's my birthday, and a lot of people will be there, I don't want to take care of you, I'd like to have a little fun myself." He asked what he did, I told him, he apologized, and was clearly hungover. I took his word for it.

Party starts. His brother, whom is a heavy drinker shows up. His friend shows up with some "special loaf cake" bread. 2 of my girl friends show up. My boyfriend is making a huge pile of wings, and BBQing while drinking. Long story short, his brother and friend don't treat my girl friends with much respect. They aren't very friendly, basically. My boyfriend is buzzed at this point. Its a pool party, so about 10 people show up; 8 are his family, who all drink, and 2 are my friends. His mom is there. I've asked to speak to her about his drinking. My mom has passed from a pill addiction; my dad lives far away; my brother shows up to the pool party way late, he is moving in with us, since his roommate is selling his house. (My bro also has a recurring pill addiction, I'm the white sheep of the family, usually not drinking and taking care of everyone.) The rest of my friends will show up at my favorite karaoke bar later, where I'm supposed to perform.

I ask his mom what should I do; I don't think this is going to work. She says "He has to hit rock bottom before it ever changes. You need to leave him." I am pretty shocked. It's my birthday, and his own mother tells me I need to leave. I thought it would be opposite.

We decide to go to the karaoke bar - I've had a few shots of tequilla, but am keeping it slow because I really don't like hangovers, and I have to sing.

We all arrive at the bar, my brother, his brother, his friend, and 5 of my friends who have gotten babysitters for the night are already there. I'm super excited because the birthday party is finally getting started. My brother takes a lot of pictures of me and my girlfriends, but while I'm drinking my first margarita, I'm noticing my boyfriend is now officially drunk. His brother, my brother, and his friend have separated from the group, and us girls are all together. The boys are drinking... and I'm slowing down, on my first drink. I grab a glass of water, put in a song, and us girls go inside because again, his brother and friend are still being kind of rude, and not friendly.

We are inside for 30 or so minutes, laughing, having fun - and in walks my boyfriend. he's always super lovey when he drinks, he comes up, gives me a kiss, and I say, "No more drinks for you." I'm not laughing, not making any jokes. Someone brings me a margarita. I drink about half when I notice later that he is at the bar. he can't even stand up. I shake my head for a full minute "No" and he just smiles.

I'm furious. It's my fricken birthday.

One of my friends now has me on her radar. She see's I'm getting upset. She sees that I'm getting madder and madder. I realize now that I should have just let him drink and stay with the boys. But I snapped.

I went out to the group of guys and yell "I told you NOT to do this. I told you no more." His brother steps in front of me, and says "Whats the problem?" and I say "He is not allowed to drink any more." And he is laughing at me. "Ben, you're a s**y influence! Go do some coke on a strippers a** in Cancun like your brother brags about all the f** time." His (separated) wife is standing right there. 

"I'm LEAVING" I say. The wife follows me out, holding my hand, my friend, and my brother walks out after me into the parking lot. I burst into tears, and just finally kind of lose it. "I'm so TIRED of this. I'm so tired of all of this alcoholic BS" People are staring, my brother is trying to calm me down, but he always makes it worse by accusing me of "Acting like a psycho" (when he is the one with a pill addiction, and can't seem to pay his rent, and is always asking me for help) My friend puts her hand out to calm him down, and he calls her a f***g c***, in the most venomous voice I've ever heard. This friend is also a co-worker. I am so embarrassed and upset by this point, that I look at the wife and say "Your apartment is one block away. Can we go? Can we just go?" My friend/co-worker begs me to stay, but I'm bawling by this point. She turns around to talk to someone, and me and the wife bolt.

I text her immediately, and tell her the best decision at this point for me, and my accused "temper" is to leave. I want to go home and crawl in bed.

The wife starts questioning me. She's not surprised her husband might be on work paid vacations getting drunker than a skunk and doing drugs, possibly hookers. She's in the same boat with his drinking, but the older brother of my boyfriend hits something we've all named "Code Red" where he goes into a drunken rage. She and him are separated. I vent to her. She tells me I need to leave my boyfriend. Just the night before one of his friends told me that I should leave him if I'm not happy.

What everyone doesn't see is the half year of sober, all the hikes, the flowers, the dinners, the kisses, and the sober man I love. The one who can quit, who has quit.

The rest of that night was horrendous.

I got home. The wife has GPS on her husband, and warns me when they are close. They went to Taco Bell, a pub, and 7 11 for more beer. She leaves. I'm in my room with a chair against the door. I get the cops on the phone, and as soon as they walk in, I tell them they need to leave. it's my birthday, I'm on the lease, and as far as I know, if they are not on the lease, they have to leave.

I am wrong about this when the cops arrive. There is nothing they can do. And while I am outside talking to them, they lock me out. I'm in my underwear, completely sober on my birthday, and crying.

I look at the cops walking away, tell them "What do I do now? They've locked me out of my own house!" They just say "There's nothing we can do, sorry. We can't break down the door, but you can." So what do i do? Me and my temper....... I take a run, and use a QB throw to the door. Easier than I expected. I KNOW at this point, that we are done and over with. This relationship is OVER.

The older brother (Code red/Ben) is shocked. He calls me a psycho, and then my boyfriend just shakes his head. I go into my room, and all of them just sit there, loudly s***-talking me. The cops can't help me. I can't sleep. I go out, and dump all of their Taco Bell and Chips on the floor, and tell them if they refuse to leave, I'll just make them miserable.

yes, this was a stupid decision too.

And then all hell breaks loose.

"Code Red" comes out. He breaks a fully capped beer bottle on the island, and gets in my face. It's the same script, every time. 

"I will RUIN YOU. I will take YOUR LIFE. You have NO IDEA what I've done for other people. I'm a good person, don't EVER TELL ME I'M A BAD PERSON. I will RUIN you."

Boyfriend's friend tries to calm him down, and he gets thrown into a wall.

Boyfriend jumps in between us a second later, and says 5 times "Don't hurt her! Don't hurt her!...." and he gets thrown to the floor. 

I've been threatened many times in my life. I stand there, quietly, no expression on my face, saying not a word. i stand my ground. He walks away. I call the cops again.

And again, there is nothing they can do. They request that the men call Uber and leave. They do, but not until almost an hour later.

I go in my room, defeated, prop the door with a chair, and think about how I've ruined the entire night... of my own birthday. If I could have just walked away from the bar or the pool in the very beginning, none of this would have happened. I've now taken in my own pill-addicted brother (which I didn't find out was re-addicted until a few days later, thought he was fine) and now I have no other choice than to leave this apartment the very next morning after what just happened.

I realize that I have a temper. I am confrontational. All of my friends tell me that I'm not an angry person; that this situation was not my fault. I could have so easily walked away. But I feel that I would have woken up the next morning, and dealt with the same situation again... and again. it HAD to get that bad. It had to BREAK to "hit rock bottom" as his mother said.

The next day, I receive bullying texts from all of them. My own brother (whom I've helped countless times in the last 6 months) My boyfriend, who says the worst possible things in text, and his brother, who apologizes, but turns right around and calls me a liar for telling him he does cocaine off strippers asses in front of his wife. "There is no room for liers (yes, sp*) in this world." I literally get over 50 texts calling me a crazy psycho from all 3 men... the day after my birthday. I have moved in with a friend. She is not charging me to stay here; and every single person is admiring my decision to leave. But it's not easy.

3 days later, my boyfriend begs me to "fix this." 

He now says he will stop drinking forever because he realizes that all of his problems are related to drinking. Whether or not we get back together, he says he is done with it.

I've decided to seek counseling for my temper, my appointment is 8/22, and he has quit drinking for a week and a half. He hasn't promised me that he will quit, he's been thru AA twice now, and it just makes him want to drink more. He hates AA. It's his trigger. 

I've agreed to stay away for 2 months. i told him I could never be around his brother again. "yes you can." he says. "You need to stop telling me how to feel, and what I will and will not do. I'm telling you right now that I will NEVER be around your brother again. you can still see him, not when he drinks, but I can't." He agrees that is fine. 

I told him this path he chooses, if he fails, I told him I see our wedding, and him shaking so badly he can't even put the ring on my finger because he would get so wasted the night before. That got him thinking about being drunk around his child, missing out on his first steps, or weekends. He says he hates the hangovers, and he is determined to quit this time.

The friend that I am staying with is mad because we are talking, and I want to go back. The agreement is that we are only allowed to say good night and good morning. No conversations. I am staying with her rent-free so that I can "find myself" and work on myself. My father, friends, and the wife, and his mother all believe I made the right decision by leaving. If he drinks again, they will all be disappointed. I've told him "You have to prove them all wrong, you realize this right?" He says he knows, and that he will do his best.

This all happened 1 1/2 weeks ago. I am no longer speaking to my brother - he has 1 month to get his act together and find a place to live. I am still paying $700 rent for a luxury apartment I cannot live in....  he will most likely be homeless. I am KNOWINGLY letting my brother and his dog become homeless - because he has a pill addiction. I cannot enable him. That for one, is breaking my heart, and my sanity. The second thing is my boyfriend, and not speaking to him. All I can see is how he doesn't drink during the week. He has a 6-pack, works out, and can buckle down. he has the ability. he has the drive. he CAN do it more than most alcoholics. 

Living with my friend is like being on vacation. I'm not a babysitter. I'm thinking about myself, and my needs. I'm thinking about either moving back in with him, if he can stay sober for the next 2 months, or getting my own place. I'm starting to feel like the less contact I have with him, the better off I will be. I've never had such a wonderful man in my life.... when he's sober. I can't even begin to explain all the good qualities he has. All the amazing sweetness he's given to me over the last year. I realize one minute that a normal person would just leave... and then the next I remember we've done 8 mile hikes up huge mountains together, or the breakfasts in bed... and I do feel crazy because I change my mind almost every day.

Just writing this alone, has taken me back to that night. I don't feel my birthday should have been spent that way. I feel SO ripped off, so ANGRY, so... sad...... I was so excited, looking forward to it for weeks. We also had a vacation planned for next week. I've never been on a vacation. I had to cancel it and give his half of the money back. I not only missed out on my birthday, I now have missed out on a vacation I've waited 3 months for.

I'm so lost. I don't know what to do. Any advice? 

-- Edited by Nikkosity on Wednesday 10th of August 2016 01:04:03 AM

Welcome,
Alcoholism is a dreadful, chronic progressive disease that can be arrested but never cured. Living with the disease we develop many negative responses in attempting to cope with the insanity.Because of this, we need a program of recovery of our own.

I suggest that you search out alanon face to face meetings and attend -- The" Hot line" number is in the white pages and meetings are held in most communities. It is here I finally accepted that I was powerless over this disease and that any effort in attempting to control it a waste of time .

Learning new ways of interacting in the world was crucial and alanon offered those tools and a supportive network of people to practice with.

Keep coming back here as well.

I'm so sorry this is happening.

You're right that your boyfriend has the ability to make a decision to get into recovery.  He can't stop drinking just by willpower (that's what makes a person an alcoholic - if he could stop by willpower he would have stopped before all this happened).  But he can choose to go into recovery.

What you've also seen is that he has a history of stopping for a while, and then starting again.  So he would need to work his recovery harder than he did before.  Is he ready to do this?  Maybe.  Time will tell.  One thing you know is that even five months of sobriety is not a guarantee that it will stick.  It usually takes more than five months - more than a year, or two years - to know if it seems to be sticking.  That period is often full of turmoil as the drinker learns new ways of living.  So you separating yourself is probably protective for both you and him.  But it is not clear yet that he's going to do that work.  As you point out, he CAN make that decision.  And he says he's going to.  But many, many drinkers say they're going to and then don't.  So what his decision will be is unclear.  Although there were many wonderful things about the relationship, you are right that his hesitation at this step is not one of them.

You describe growing up in a family with a lot of heavy substance use.  That typically means that we think heavy substance use is more normal than it is.  You describe yourself as the soberest one, taking care of the others. That sounds like your relationship with your boyfriend must have felt familiar and comfortable in that kind of way.  You also describe some heavy drinking on your part.  You kept drinking when your boyfriend was in early recovery.  There is no requirement to stop drinking, but many of us do - first, because we want to make things easier on our A, and second, because we've come to see the damage alcohol can do, and that makes us dislike it.  You describe yourself as doing "only" two shots of tequila, which you describe as a moderate amount.  I know there are many people who, if they went on a date with a guy and he had two shots of tequila, would think that was a sign that the person was a heavy drinker and possibly had a drinking problem.  Not to say that you do or don't.  Just that our judgment gets distorted when we've grown up in alcoholic families, and we can lose perspective.  You might want to take the AA test to see if your drinking might be a risk for you:

http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/is-aa-for-you-twelve-questions-only-you-can-answer

Whatever the role of alcohol in your life, Al-Anon has tools to help all of us who have relationships with alcoholics and problem drinkers.  One of the first things we learn is the Three C's: You did not Cause it (the drinking), you can not Cure it, you cannot Control it.  We have to let them find their own path - if there were a way to keep them from drinking, we would have found it by now!

Al-Anon also helps us take our attention off the alcoholic and put it back on taking care of ourselves.  And that changes the whole dynamic. 

I hope you will find a good face-to-face meeting.  The standard advice is to try 6 because they're all different.  You can also learn a lot about the tools by reading the threads here, by getting the literature at meetings and elsewhere, and most of all, by keeping coming back.  No one should have to go through this alone.  Hang in there.  Hugs!