about your ESH because this is a cunning powerful and baffling disease and it will take most every opportunity to prove that too you.
I got triggered...big time.
It hurt and it got me again.
I went to a meeting last evening with a sponsee and it was a speaker meeting though the speaker didn't show up.
and so...
I was asked to do service and the group wanted ESH on Step 4 inventorying and I launched. I mentioned that I have done 6 "searching, fearless and moral inventories with a very experience sponsor who took me deeper than I knew was possible and then I followed him because I started to learn about the one person I had lived my entire life with and didn't know anything about....me. Finding out about me was like soul surgery without anesthesia and we did it anyway. I learned to feel the one emotion I denied strongly was even a part of my life...shame with guilt and last evening I was reminded that denial in the face of evidence can bring pain ...physical pain.
I went home with that gut pain to my higher power apologizing for events that I am sure I have already been forgiven for with the exception from my own ego. I have not forgiven myself though at times I "think" I have until I retrigger which I did last evening. My sponsor told me this morning to again look at the large landscape of my life including the good stuff I have done that doesn't qualify for negative judgement. It will probably come a bit later though I am working it again...the letting go of those events I am powerless over. They are done I haven't and will not again...just for today repeat them. My value systems are recovering value systems.
How we live with in the program isn't near how we lived without it. Mahalo Akua for helping find the doors to the rooms and MIP ...(((((hugs)))))
hotrod said
Aug 7, 2016
(((Jerry)) I have found that I recover slowly and that the pain , sadness, and regrets lessen in time. Often I look and find that many have lifted without my knowledge because it is progress not perfection that we seek. My biggest defect was denying my" Fear" which was the cause of all my defects and denial. Thanks to alanon and HP I have been able to own the fear,and act with courage. I appreciate all the ESH you share with MIP. Glad you have such courage.
pinkchip said
Aug 7, 2016
Getting some time in this program can be tricky. I am always a work in progress, but without such intense pain pressuring me to change, I forget what work to do until something bad happens. Sometimes I also wonder if I regressed or messed up somewhere. I think that is largely me being unrealistic or neurotic.
Jerry F said
Aug 7, 2016
I will focus on the neurotic brother...cause it did occur to me a bit later after the meeting that the feeling was almost exactly what it was times before. My sponsor's suggestion that I make the issue just a small part of who I am and my recovery journey so I am doing some visualization engineering to add on to what I have already practiced. Visualization is a great tool.
Iamhere said
Aug 7, 2016
(((Jerry))) - I have no doubt that I am neurotic about things and at times I can 'see' it clearly and other times, my sponsor will have to point it out to me. I am not a Facebook fan as it triggers things in me - I'd like to say I understand when and know when to avoid but apparently I don't. I had not been on for a few days and one post - one silly post - made me feel as if I were not enough, not good enough, faking life, etc.
The journey is wonderful 99% of the time. For me, unexpectedly, a small event/thing can set me sideways and then if I don't engage my HP and program, it snowballs. I know my HP wants me to be happy, joyous and free. I strive for that one day at a time....I agree with pinkchip - if I didn't have these side steps, I would not know what might need more work. So very grateful that you all are here and remind me that it is about progress and not perfection.
Thanks all for the shares and the ESH.
tiredtonite said
Aug 8, 2016
Jerry.
I relate to how sharing some of these things from the past can feel painful. I've begun moving more and more away from that because those days are farther behind me now. With many years in recovery, recovery is a way of life. Honestly, some things from my past will always feel painful simply because they are. Some actions I took were regrettable and shameful. Taking ownership, making amends and moving forward doesn't change that those were painful things. I can continue to grow and change with the help of this program and my higher power.
I'm reasonably content today and I thank the god of my understanding for the progress. Today when I speak at meetings, I choose to share a brief overview of what brought me into the program and focus on the program and it's gifts. I've had the experience of being speaker and sharing what haunts me. It was not to release it, I had already done that my god, a sponsor, in a mutual exchange with sponsees and during amends with the people I felt I'd harmed (whether directly or indirectly). For me, re-telling these painful facts of my past as a speaker was a skewed way of making amends over and over and over again - basically cutting a vein and offering myself up to others for scrutiny. I was seeking forgiveness, the sharing was an exhibition of remorse. My hp had forgiven me but I couldn't forgive myself. I was choosing the consensus of the fellowship as a barometer of my worthiness to be forgiven. I let their response to my sharing guide my thinking as to whether my past actions were forgivable. I gave this power to imperfect people like myself. I'm grateful for spiritual awakenings like this, very grateful! Every day I have a choice whether I'll be led by my higher power or my past. For me, choosing to be led by my hp is choosing recovery. I have a loving god who I honor with gratitude for loving me unconditionally and sending me more and more lessons each day. We're works in progress in this program. And, sometimes I think we can be very hard on ourselves. Self love and acceptance of where I'm at as well as others what I'm striving for. Thanks for sharing the journey (((Jerry)). TT
Jerry F said
Aug 8, 2016
That is another keeper for me TT and very similar to many of my experiences working the program. Thanks for the share. (((hugs))) Always good to hear from you.
el-cee said
Aug 8, 2016
Thanks for sharing Jerry. I got a lot from what you say here. Those triggers are just lurking everywhere, dont you think? I love that we get triggered enough to then be entirely ready. We just get sick of being sick over and over and I suppose what were aiming for is emotional maturity and sobriety. I also like how you put the idea of recovering value systems. They have been so wonky for so long that I think we will always find parts of us that need forgiveness and the willingness for them to be removed, one day at a time.x
Jerry F said
Aug 9, 2016
My sponsor used a jig saw metaphor with me which helped me "get" quicker and cleaner.
Metaphors work well with me though I don't always come up with a good working one right off and that is why I need them and this family.
My sponsor asked me to take a look at the trigger as if it was only a piece of a puzzle and not the whole puzzle. Yes...at times you have to draw me a picture.
Grateful...that the trigger was suppressed all day including the emotion (shame) that runs with it. Again mahalo piha...(thanks forever)
about your ESH because this is a cunning powerful and baffling disease and it will take most every opportunity to prove that too you.
I got triggered...big time.
It hurt and it got me again.
I went to a meeting last evening with a sponsee and it was a speaker meeting though the speaker didn't show up.
and so...
I was asked to do service and the group wanted ESH on Step 4 inventorying and I launched. I mentioned that I have done 6 "searching, fearless and moral inventories with a very experience sponsor who took me deeper than I knew was possible and then I followed him because I started to learn about the one person I had lived my entire life with and didn't know anything about....me. Finding out about me was like soul surgery without anesthesia and we did it anyway. I learned to feel the one emotion I denied strongly was even a part of my life...shame with guilt and last evening I was reminded that denial in the face of evidence can bring pain ...physical pain.
I went home with that gut pain to my higher power apologizing for events that I am sure I have already been forgiven for with the exception from my own ego. I have not forgiven myself though at times I "think" I have until I retrigger which I did last evening. My sponsor told me this morning to again look at the large landscape of my life including the good stuff I have done that doesn't qualify for negative judgement. It will probably come a bit later though I am working it again...the letting go of those events I am powerless over. They are done I haven't and will not again...just for today repeat them. My value systems are recovering value systems.
How we live with in the program isn't near how we lived without it. Mahalo Akua for helping find the doors to the rooms and MIP ...(((((hugs)))))
(((Jerry)) I have found that I recover slowly and that the pain , sadness, and regrets lessen in time. Often I look and find that many have lifted without my knowledge because it is progress not perfection that we seek. My biggest defect was denying my" Fear" which was the cause of all my defects and denial. Thanks to alanon and HP I have been able to own the fear,and act with courage.
I appreciate all the ESH you share with MIP. Glad you have such courage.
I will focus on the neurotic brother...cause it did occur to me a bit later after the meeting that the feeling was almost exactly what it was times before. My sponsor's suggestion that I make the issue just a small part of who I am and my recovery journey so I am doing some visualization engineering to add on to what I have already practiced. Visualization is a great tool.
The journey is wonderful 99% of the time. For me, unexpectedly, a small event/thing can set me sideways and then if I don't engage my HP and program, it snowballs. I know my HP wants me to be happy, joyous and free. I strive for that one day at a time....I agree with pinkchip - if I didn't have these side steps, I would not know what might need more work. So very grateful that you all are here and remind me that it is about progress and not perfection.
Thanks all for the shares and the ESH.
Jerry.
I relate to how sharing some of these things from the past can feel painful. I've begun moving more and more away from that because those days are farther behind me now. With many years in recovery, recovery is a way of life. Honestly, some things from my past will always feel painful simply because they are. Some actions I took were regrettable and shameful. Taking ownership, making amends and moving forward doesn't change that those were painful things. I can continue to grow and change with the help of this program and my higher power.
I'm reasonably content today and I thank the god of my understanding for the progress. Today when I speak at meetings, I choose to share a brief overview of what brought me into the program and focus on the program and it's gifts. I've had the experience of being speaker and sharing what haunts me. It was not to release it, I had already done that my god, a sponsor, in a mutual exchange with sponsees and during amends with the people I felt I'd harmed (whether directly or indirectly). For me, re-telling these painful facts of my past as a speaker was a skewed way of making amends over and over and over again - basically cutting a vein and offering myself up to others for scrutiny. I was seeking forgiveness, the sharing was an exhibition of remorse. My hp had forgiven me but I couldn't forgive myself. I was choosing the consensus of the fellowship as a barometer of my worthiness to be forgiven. I let their response to my sharing guide my thinking as to whether my past actions were forgivable. I gave this power to imperfect people like myself. I'm grateful for spiritual awakenings like this, very grateful! Every day I have a choice whether I'll be led by my higher power or my past. For me, choosing to be led by my hp is choosing recovery. I have a loving god who I honor with gratitude for loving me unconditionally and sending me more and more lessons each day. We're works in progress in this program. And, sometimes I think we can be very hard on ourselves. Self love and acceptance of where I'm at as well as others what I'm striving for. Thanks for sharing the journey (((Jerry)). TT
That is another keeper for me TT and very similar to many of my experiences working the program. Thanks for the share. (((hugs)))
Always good to hear from you.
Thanks for sharing Jerry. I got a lot from what you say here. Those triggers are just lurking everywhere, dont you think? I love that we get triggered enough to then be entirely ready. We just get sick of being sick over and over and I suppose what were aiming for is emotional maturity and sobriety. I also like how you put the idea of recovering value systems. They have been so wonky for so long that I think we will always find parts of us that need forgiveness and the willingness for them to be removed, one day at a time.x
My sponsor used a jig saw metaphor with me which helped me "get" quicker and cleaner.
Metaphors work well with me though I don't always come up with a good working one right off and that is why I need them and this family.
My sponsor asked me to take a look at the trigger as if it was only a piece of a puzzle and not the whole puzzle. Yes...at times you have to draw me a picture.
Grateful...that the trigger was suppressed all day including the emotion (shame) that runs with it. Again mahalo piha...(thanks forever)