Confused about Self Protection from Rageful Alcoholic Father and How to Forgive From a Distance?
Charlotte22 said
Aug 7, 2016
Good Morning. I back in program again after 10 years! UG!! I needed it. My father is now 85 and dying of liver disease (lifetime alcoholic) and I 'thought" that we had reached a peaceful place of forgiveness a few years back but in the recent year he has become abusive to me again. He lives in New york and I live in Canada. I have a son who loves both grandparents and I am going to take him to visit in a few weeks. We are staying in a hotel. The last time I spoke with my father over the phone he berated me and threaten to take back money he leant me for a crisis period. He did this a few times and it was scary and brought me back to an old place. I want to so much to FORGIVE HIM before he passes away but at the same time I need to protect myself because my psyche is very vulnerable and raw right now - (I am in therapy and the therapist thinks i am learning out many old wounds and coming completely OUT of denial) but i am in a depression or dark night right now. I have been able to ask HP for help with this before but right now i am NOT hearing any direct Guidance about my father and how to heal this relationship or at least let it all go. I have been praying , writing and reading literature but nothing much is coming. Is it okay to not visit this time and just continue to pray but allow my son to go visit. I am in the "hallway" as they say. Any thoughts. Feeling super Vunerable for the past 5 weeks and need my faith back. Thank you for any experience strength and hope !!!
Freetime said
Aug 7, 2016
Hello Charlotte, I am so sorry for what you are going through at this difficult time. My opinion is that it is perfectly OK to forgive from a distance. It is OK to let go of "shoulds" and do what is right for your individual situation. It is OK to allow your son to do what is right for him and for you to take care of yourself, whatever that may mean.
A couple of thoughts came to mind as I read your post. One is that the behavior of a sick person is coming from their illness and pain; their brain may not be working properly; it is not personal to you. Another is the saying, "Forgiveness is releasing someone from a debt they can never repay."
Sending positive thoughts for peace and strength your way.
SerenityRUS said
Aug 7, 2016
Hugs Charlotte,
I have issues with my mother for various reasons I think I am probably further along in age than you are, for me the peace and understanding as well as distance started when I made that decision it has helped me deal with some of the resentments I have had over the past many years. I got a better clarity of what was going on and honestly I don't do the whole my part as a child especially since grownups are suppose to have more sense than a child.
It has been a while and for the first time in a LONG while I am actually willing to consider having contact. My boundaries are better, my defenses are less and I'm more able to sit back and see her where she was and is at .. I think what has given me confidence is knowing my own truth and looking at her thinking to myself . you can call me a rock it doesn't make it true. I have really worked hard NOT to take things personally.
What I have learned over this process is no one gets to tell me how long it's suppose to take, no one else has lived my life or knows my heart the way my HP does, no one else gets to say I should do blah blah blah .. all of those choices need to be mine and mine alone .. I will get there when I get there .. not a min more or less. This is my business to deal with as needed. In my case my therapist actually advised that I not have contact with my mom until I felt I was able to process it in a better way .. that's been a year ago.
I found freedom in just saying yup you are right .. I am not the daughter you wanted and you are not the parent I deserved .. it kind of ended the conversation at that point and that was roughly the time I decided I just was unwilling to continue these kinds of conversations. If she were to pass it is what it is however at the same time it is one of those issues that I am in a place of being ok if she passed away. Yes I would be sad .. we just don't have that kind of relationship to be missed .. I would miss what I miss with the XAH .. the potential, the would have could have should have beens .. not the what is. I had to get off the merry-go-round.
With the help of the program though I found the courage to change the things I could and the wisdom to know the difference while allowing myself permission to see my mom as an imperfect person. Let her do her while finding out who I am.
Hugs S :)
Iamhere said
Aug 7, 2016
Only you can decide what you can and can not live with. In painful moments like this, I have to really work the program and trust God to lead me properly. I am sending you positive thoughts and prayers in hope of a resolution that you can accept and live with. There are no easy answers when dealing with family, pain, history, etc. - let Go and let God...
hotrod said
Aug 7, 2016
I think that visiting your father one last time might be important for you.. I would try to simply stay in the moment and in the day- Let go of the past and not project to the future and bring HP with you as well as your love and the alanon tools of detachment with love . I believe I would be doing this for myself so as not to have any regrets and that would help. I have found if I let go of my expectations and ideas of how someone should behave and simply accept who they are I am better able to place principles above personalitiies and treat them with courtesy and respect. i have also learned not to react but to respond and that makes a difference. Trusting HP is all powerful and that this person will not be able to hurt me, I am able to interact in a healthy .courteous manner using alanon principles. Good luck and please do keep coming back.
Good Morning. I back in program again after 10 years! UG!! I needed it. My father is now 85 and dying of liver disease (lifetime alcoholic) and I 'thought" that we had reached a peaceful place of forgiveness a few years back but in the recent year he has become abusive to me again. He lives in New york and I live in Canada. I have a son who loves both grandparents and I am going to take him to visit in a few weeks. We are staying in a hotel. The last time I spoke with my father over the phone he berated me and threaten to take back money he leant me for a crisis period. He did this a few times and it was scary and brought me back to an old place. I want to so much to FORGIVE HIM before he passes away but at the same time I need to protect myself because my psyche is very vulnerable and raw right now - (I am in therapy and the therapist thinks i am learning out many old wounds and coming completely OUT of denial) but i am in a depression or dark night right now. I have been able to ask HP for help with this before but right now i am NOT hearing any direct Guidance about my father and how to heal this relationship or at least let it all go. I have been praying , writing and reading literature but nothing much is coming. Is it okay to not visit this time and just continue to pray but allow my son to go visit. I am in the "hallway" as they say. Any thoughts. Feeling super Vunerable for the past 5 weeks and need my faith back. Thank you for any experience strength and hope !!!
Hello Charlotte, I am so sorry for what you are going through at this difficult time. My opinion is that it is perfectly OK to forgive from a distance. It is OK to let go of "shoulds" and do what is right for your individual situation. It is OK to allow your son to do what is right for him and for you to take care of yourself, whatever that may mean.
A couple of thoughts came to mind as I read your post. One is that the behavior of a sick person is coming from their illness and pain; their brain may not be working properly; it is not personal to you. Another is the saying, "Forgiveness is releasing someone from a debt they can never repay."
Sending positive thoughts for peace and strength your way.
I have issues with my mother for various reasons I think I am probably further along in age than you are, for me the peace and understanding as well as distance started when I made that decision it has helped me deal with some of the resentments I have had over the past many years. I got a better clarity of what was going on and honestly I don't do the whole my part as a child especially since grownups are suppose to have more sense than a child.
It has been a while and for the first time in a LONG while I am actually willing to consider having contact. My boundaries are better, my defenses are less and I'm more able to sit back and see her where she was and is at .. I think what has given me confidence is knowing my own truth and looking at her thinking to myself . you can call me a rock it doesn't make it true. I have really worked hard NOT to take things personally.
What I have learned over this process is no one gets to tell me how long it's suppose to take, no one else has lived my life or knows my heart the way my HP does, no one else gets to say I should do blah blah blah .. all of those choices need to be mine and mine alone .. I will get there when I get there .. not a min more or less. This is my business to deal with as needed. In my case my therapist actually advised that I not have contact with my mom until I felt I was able to process it in a better way .. that's been a year ago.
I found freedom in just saying yup you are right .. I am not the daughter you wanted and you are not the parent I deserved .. it kind of ended the conversation at that point and that was roughly the time I decided I just was unwilling to continue these kinds of conversations. If she were to pass it is what it is however at the same time it is one of those issues that I am in a place of being ok if she passed away. Yes I would be sad .. we just don't have that kind of relationship to be missed .. I would miss what I miss with the XAH .. the potential, the would have could have should have beens .. not the what is. I had to get off the merry-go-round.
With the help of the program though I found the courage to change the things I could and the wisdom to know the difference while allowing myself permission to see my mom as an imperfect person. Let her do her while finding out who I am.
Hugs S :)
I think that visiting your father one last time might be important for you.. I would try to simply stay in the moment and in the day- Let go of the past and not project to the future and bring HP with you as well as your love and the alanon tools of detachment with love .
I believe I would be doing this for myself so as not to have any regrets and that would help.
I have found if I let go of my expectations and ideas of how someone should behave and simply accept who they are I am better able to place principles above personalitiies and treat them with courtesy and respect.
i have also learned not to react but to respond and that makes a difference. Trusting HP is all powerful and that this person will not be able to hurt me, I am able to interact in a healthy .courteous manner using alanon principles.
Good luck and please do keep coming back.