This is my first time on here. I decided last night that I needed help, to deal with my mother's alcoholism. My mother has been an alcoholic since I was born, but she was in sobriety for nearly 20 years, when I was 2-21 years old. I am now almost 26, and have been dealing with this for about 5 years. It is so hard, because who I knew growing up is so different than who she is now. My mom has changed, and it is starting to take a toll on me. My husband and I decided last night that we need to go to a meeting like this, so I figured I would take a small step today.
I had 19 great years with my mother, where she was not drinking at all. This is what all my memories are based on. When I was 21 years old, my mother began drinking again. At this point I really had no idea about my mom's disease. As I was so little when she went to rehab and got help, I had no idea the extent of what she had and what an awful disease alcoholism is. So I never really confronted her at first. Until about a year later, when I started to realize she was drinking more than I had thought. I didn't live with her, so it took time before I knew the truth. At that point, she just told me she was okay. And really made me believe her. I had no idea. Since that time, my mother has been in the hospital two times, because of her disease. This January, I had had enough. I told my mom I cannot be around her anymore until she gets help. Because it was killing me inside. I could not move forward with my life, because I felt so consumed by hers. She made the decision to get help. She went to rehab for 3 weeks and returned with a positive attitude, so it seemed. Within just a few weeks, she was drinking again. Now it is July, and I have tried 3 other times after she got back from rehab to confront her about her drinking She just makes excuses and says she is "bored" and "What's the point", because me and my brother are grown up, and she says she has "done her duty". Its' hard to hear. She blames my father for not being around. This is not true. He needs help too, but it is not his fault she is drinking. I am the youngest and I am in the middle of all this. My brother is also an addict, and my dad trys to help him, but does also enable him. It's just a lot.
I cannot keep telling my mom how much she needs to stop and get help, until she wants to. Or until my dad says more. I feel a lot of guilt like I should be there for my mom all the time. Like if I was there, she would be better. I know this is not true, but I cannot help my feelings. I get nervous like she will end up in the hospital again, and I know this is a very possible thing. But I cannot just keep worrying all the time. I am a naturally anxious person, so I need help to cope with these feelings. So I am looking for help, because I know talking about this and hearing others discuss their feelings and how they cope this, will help me.
Thank you all for being here. I already feel better after writing this.
-- Edited by stepbystep78 on Sunday 7th of August 2016 08:08:38 AM
Lyne said
Aug 7, 2016
Welcome stepby step-I hear you and I relate. I've been with my A spouse for almost 25 years. First I learned about food addiction, then work and money, then lotto, and 12 years ago, alcohol. This was totally not the person I fell in love with. As time goes on, she gets worse but I get better! This is only because of Alanon. I've been in program for 3 years and it's one of the best decisions I have ever made. Prior to Alanon I got sicker and sicker, hoping she would change, trying to change her, none of it working of course. I'm in my 60's and I wish I went to program in my 20's. My first marriage was to a multiply addicted man and I had no clue what the heck was going on. Alanon is a learning, helping, amazing program. I just encourage you to give it a try, Lyne
Freetime said
Aug 7, 2016
Hello, Step, and welcome! I love your name ... it shows you already know the basics: take things one step at a time, and that you and your dad are not to blame for your mom's actions. I am sorry for what you are going through.
What helped me, when dealing with a sick alcoholic in my life ... and the hospitalizations, stress, and fear of the unknown ... was four things (and this is just the order in which I did them, no need to follow my pattern): (1) a therapist for me, to help me sort out my feelings and begin to think about options; (2) confiding in a close friend what was going on ... it turns out my friend had a lot of experience and knowledge about addiction; (3) Alanon meetings, literature, and a sponsor; (4) making time for myself and getting away for mini-vacations.
Stick around here, get to your meetings, and keep reaching out and taking it step by step! You are not alone.
pinkchip said
Aug 7, 2016
I just wanted to say I empathize and am so sorry your mom has relapsed and appers so fully in the throes of alcoholism. That is horrible. You have great awareness of your feelings and how you know this isn't under your control but you worry and feel bad and like you "should" be able to do something but really can't. That is the crux of having an active alcoholic loved one. It is so frustrating to hear the alcoholic's warped and selfish thinking. Obviously you know that a parent's "job" is never "done" and that is not her talking...that is alcoholism clearly because your mom is not that dumb. Trust me. Being an alcoholic (now sober a good while), I know this. Alcoholism is fwuled by self pity, denial and enabling from others. It is really powerful (the disease). You seem very wise for a 26 year old. I know that does little to take the pain away, but you are not alone...
Iamhere said
Aug 7, 2016
Welcome to MIP stepbystep - glad you found us and glad that you joined in and shared. Sorry for the circumstance that brought you here, and my hope is you will work the Al-Anon program and trust the process. The disease is hard to watch in those we love - parents & children especially - but there is help and hope if you want it.
I had to learn that I was powerless over everyone but me. I had to learn how to detach with love, and how to establish boundaries for me. I had to figure out how my actions/reactions were not healthy and often contributed to the chaos/drama this disease brings with it. I tried everything imaginable before finding Al-Anon....when I changed my focus from outside of me to me, things changed and got better over time. Those around me are still battling the disease, but I've found ways to heal/deal with the disease that bring me peace of mind and joy in my heart.
Keep coming back - you are worth it! You are not alone!
hotrod said
Aug 7, 2016
Welcome stepby step There is help and hope so please do search out alanon meeting and atrend. You are not alone.
Jerry F said
Aug 7, 2016
Welcome Stepby...you sound experienced enough to know what to do next....hang around with us.
Miller0582 said
Aug 20, 2016
Hi, I just wanted to say that your story is very similar to mine, only it is my father who is the alcoholic. He was diagnosed two years ago and claims to have not drank since, but we're kind of skeptical sometimes.
I have really good memories of childhood, even though I know my father has always been an alcoholic. His drinking did not actually affect me until my early 20's. He really isn't the same person I knew growing up.
I have tried way too many times to help. So now, I am working on letting go. I will be the best daughter I can be to both of my parents, but I have to learn that my father's behavior has nothing to do with me and I cannot do anything to change him or the situation, but I am hopeful I can let go of the anxiety.
Hello all-
This is my first time on here. I decided last night that I needed help, to deal with my mother's alcoholism. My mother has been an alcoholic since I was born, but she was in sobriety for nearly 20 years, when I was 2-21 years old. I am now almost 26, and have been dealing with this for about 5 years. It is so hard, because who I knew growing up is so different than who she is now. My mom has changed, and it is starting to take a toll on me. My husband and I decided last night that we need to go to a meeting like this, so I figured I would take a small step today.
I had 19 great years with my mother, where she was not drinking at all. This is what all my memories are based on. When I was 21 years old, my mother began drinking again. At this point I really had no idea about my mom's disease. As I was so little when she went to rehab and got help, I had no idea the extent of what she had and what an awful disease alcoholism is. So I never really confronted her at first. Until about a year later, when I started to realize she was drinking more than I had thought. I didn't live with her, so it took time before I knew the truth. At that point, she just told me she was okay. And really made me believe her. I had no idea. Since that time, my mother has been in the hospital two times, because of her disease. This January, I had had enough. I told my mom I cannot be around her anymore until she gets help. Because it was killing me inside. I could not move forward with my life, because I felt so consumed by hers. She made the decision to get help. She went to rehab for 3 weeks and returned with a positive attitude, so it seemed. Within just a few weeks, she was drinking again. Now it is July, and I have tried 3 other times after she got back from rehab to confront her about her drinking She just makes excuses and says she is "bored" and "What's the point", because me and my brother are grown up, and she says she has "done her duty". Its' hard to hear. She blames my father for not being around. This is not true. He needs help too, but it is not his fault she is drinking. I am the youngest and I am in the middle of all this. My brother is also an addict, and my dad trys to help him, but does also enable him. It's just a lot.
I cannot keep telling my mom how much she needs to stop and get help, until she wants to. Or until my dad says more. I feel a lot of guilt like I should be there for my mom all the time. Like if I was there, she would be better. I know this is not true, but I cannot help my feelings. I get nervous like she will end up in the hospital again, and I know this is a very possible thing. But I cannot just keep worrying all the time. I am a naturally anxious person, so I need help to cope with these feelings. So I am looking for help, because I know talking about this and hearing others discuss their feelings and how they cope this, will help me.
Thank you all for being here. I already feel better after writing this.
-- Edited by stepbystep78 on Sunday 7th of August 2016 08:08:38 AM
Hello, Step, and welcome! I love your name ... it shows you already know the basics: take things one step at a time, and that you and your dad are not to blame for your mom's actions. I am sorry for what you are going through.
What helped me, when dealing with a sick alcoholic in my life ... and the hospitalizations, stress, and fear of the unknown ... was four things (and this is just the order in which I did them, no need to follow my pattern): (1) a therapist for me, to help me sort out my feelings and begin to think about options; (2) confiding in a close friend what was going on ... it turns out my friend had a lot of experience and knowledge about addiction; (3) Alanon meetings, literature, and a sponsor; (4) making time for myself and getting away for mini-vacations.
Stick around here, get to your meetings, and keep reaching out and taking it step by step! You are not alone.
I had to learn that I was powerless over everyone but me. I had to learn how to detach with love, and how to establish boundaries for me. I had to figure out how my actions/reactions were not healthy and often contributed to the chaos/drama this disease brings with it. I tried everything imaginable before finding Al-Anon....when I changed my focus from outside of me to me, things changed and got better over time. Those around me are still battling the disease, but I've found ways to heal/deal with the disease that bring me peace of mind and joy in my heart.
Keep coming back - you are worth it! You are not alone!
Welcome Stepby...you sound experienced enough to know what to do next....hang around with us.
Hi, I just wanted to say that your story is very similar to mine, only it is my father who is the alcoholic. He was diagnosed two years ago and claims to have not drank since, but we're kind of skeptical sometimes.
I have really good memories of childhood, even though I know my father has always been an alcoholic. His drinking did not actually affect me until my early 20's. He really isn't the same person I knew growing up.
I have tried way too many times to help. So now, I am working on letting go. I will be the best daughter I can be to both of my parents, but I have to learn that my father's behavior has nothing to do with me and I cannot do anything to change him or the situation, but I am hopeful I can let go of the anxiety.