Hi, newbie here, been going to Alanon for three short months, long enough for the program to have changed my life, but not long enough for me to understand the difference between my defects and insanity and the reality.
My parter is a sober member of AA, dry drunk for most of our relationship, controlled, lied, cheated and basically treated me like crap. He has recently engaged back into his AA program and is a totally different person, genuinely changed.
Here's the problem, we are planning on moving in together and I am about 80% of the time, really annoyed at him, I can be impatient, mean spirited and constantly throwing the past at him. I feel like I am done in our relationship. The way I feel now, is how I felt at the end of my previous 12 yr relatiknship. Really angry and mean spirited. Then I have times when I see all the great stuff about him and think we can make it work. We have been in a relationship for 3 years and not lived together for several reasons, I have commitment issues ( probably something to do with me bring an adult child) and his behaviours up until the recent psychic change. I can't work out, what is my illness and fear and what is me having fallen out of love with him. He is not perfect ( who is) and continues to make mistakes, but He is no where near the person he was previously and a much better version of himself.
Any suggestions of strategies to use to try and work out what's what? I don't want to keep leading him on, or move in and then realise I've made a mistake, hurting both of us once more.
hotrod said
Aug 7, 2016
Hi Hopeful, I found that by working Steps 4 through 11 helped me to identify my insanity and defects and become willing to grow and change. Alanon provided new constructive principles and tools so that I stopped "reacting" learned how to respond in a healhty manner . These simple changes made all the differences in my relationship.
It is a process so, be gentle with yourself and try not to make major changes in your life for the first year. Keep coming back
Mattie said
Aug 7, 2016
Welcome. Al-Anon asks us not to make any major changes for the first 6 months, since there is so much learning and gaining of perspective to be done. You have been going to Al-Anon for 3 months and it sounds as if your RA (recovering alcoholic) is fairly new in working his recovery hard also. I would suggest that there is no hurry to make big decisions like moving in together. His behavior as a dry drunk was pretty painful and time will tell how much of that he is able to leave behind permanently and what it will look like when he has more time under his belt. And you are still adjusting and learning in Al-Anon. So you are both works in progress, which always means some tumult. I've found that it's best to have my own space and my own bolt-hole during such a tumultuous time. If and when you are both in a great and long-lasting head-space to live together, it will become clear with time. So as the saying is, "More will be revealed." It's tempting to try to forecast the future and want to know exactly what it's going to look like ... but sticking in the present moment is almost always the more helpful approach. Hope you will take good care of yourself.
SerenityRUS said
Aug 7, 2016
Hopeful ..
big hugs and the only thing that came to mind when reading your post was when in doubt DON'T. If you feel that strongly about all of the why's not to do something then stop take a breath and re-evaluate where you are at .. just me I would rather be alone than dealing with the guessing game. Relationships should not be that complicated and this was a Friday night discussion a girlfriend and I had .. people want to make other people what they think they should be and it happens on both sides of the street. If someone is showing you who they are .. believe them.
I truly encourage you to do self inventory and figure out what do you want and are you getting it in your current relationship. I totally agree .. the first 6 months of program work .. no major changes it is already confusing enough as it is.
Hopefully you are able to figure out what you want and work on you without focusing on what you RAB is or is not doing .. because he's going to do what he's going to do it is only important how you choose to respond.
Keep coming back and keep the focus on you .. hugs S :)
Iamhere said
Aug 7, 2016
I agree with Serenity & Betty - 'when in doubt, don't' and working the program to identify, understand and address your own issues. The program will help you find the truth for your life, wants and needs. So long as you are focused on what was, you are blocked from what is and what can be....the program helps with that too.
You are correct - nobody is perfect and no relationship is perfect. Changing my expectations and allowing others to have their path and journey helped me understand unconditional love in recovery. You are worth it - take the time to work Al-Anon, not for anyone but you!
Hi Hopeful, I found that by working Steps 4 through 11 helped me to identify my insanity and defects and become willing to grow and change. Alanon provided new constructive principles and tools so that I stopped "reacting" learned how to respond in a healhty manner . These simple changes made all the differences in my relationship.
It is a process so, be gentle with yourself and try not to make major changes in your life for the first year. Keep coming back
Welcome. Al-Anon asks us not to make any major changes for the first 6 months, since there is so much learning and gaining of perspective to be done. You have been going to Al-Anon for 3 months and it sounds as if your RA (recovering alcoholic) is fairly new in working his recovery hard also. I would suggest that there is no hurry to make big decisions like moving in together. His behavior as a dry drunk was pretty painful and time will tell how much of that he is able to leave behind permanently and what it will look like when he has more time under his belt. And you are still adjusting and learning in Al-Anon. So you are both works in progress, which always means some tumult. I've found that it's best to have my own space and my own bolt-hole during such a tumultuous time. If and when you are both in a great and long-lasting head-space to live together, it will become clear with time. So as the saying is, "More will be revealed." It's tempting to try to forecast the future and want to know exactly what it's going to look like ... but sticking in the present moment is almost always the more helpful approach. Hope you will take good care of yourself.
big hugs and the only thing that came to mind when reading your post was when in doubt DON'T. If you feel that strongly about all of the why's not to do something then stop take a breath and re-evaluate where you are at .. just me I would rather be alone than dealing with the guessing game. Relationships should not be that complicated and this was a Friday night discussion a girlfriend and I had .. people want to make other people what they think they should be and it happens on both sides of the street. If someone is showing you who they are .. believe them.
I truly encourage you to do self inventory and figure out what do you want and are you getting it in your current relationship. I totally agree .. the first 6 months of program work .. no major changes it is already confusing enough as it is.
Hopefully you are able to figure out what you want and work on you without focusing on what you RAB is or is not doing .. because he's going to do what he's going to do it is only important how you choose to respond.
Keep coming back and keep the focus on you .. hugs S :)
You are correct - nobody is perfect and no relationship is perfect. Changing my expectations and allowing others to have their path and journey helped me understand unconditional love in recovery. You are worth it - take the time to work Al-Anon, not for anyone but you!
Keep coming back and stay in the present.