Hello everyone: There may be a few of you here that remember me, but I've seen quite a lot of new names and faces. I am a recovering co-dependent who was in a relationship with an A for several years, up until about 2 1/2 weeks ago. The A's father passed away after a sudden illness 3 weeks ago, and the family wired a ticket to get the A home for the funeral. Even though the relationship had been troubled and dysfunctional, there was loving and caring feelings still. The A of course was devastated and heartbroken and I was heartbroken for the A as well. We parted on good but sad terms, him promising that he would get a job and send for me, me going along with him but having a "grip" on the reality of the situation. Since his departure, I've been in a state of mourning. 1. I'm mourning what could have been, what never was. The relationship was agonizing and needed to go, but why do I feel like crying all the time? 2. I feel guilty, did I treat him well enough? Could I have done more? I feel like I was cruel to him somehow, even though living with him was torturous. 3. I find myself relieved that he's gone, but yet find myself hoping "maybe everything will change and he'll get sober," even as I know that he's really an alcoholic/addict who won't change his spots because he's home. He's called several times and many of those times I could tell he was drinking. I would invent an excuse to get off the line, or if the call was after midnight, I'd let it go to voicemail.
Fast forward to tonight: I found out that he's been telling his sister that things are getting serious with his ex gf and mother of his 17 year old daughter (both of whom he hasn't seen in 12 years). He's also been asking a family friend out on dates and probably several others as well. I'm not shocked, at least I don't think I am, but I feel a sad bitterness, it nauseated me when I got the messages about all this. Hours later I still feel like I could throw up, but nothing's there. That's it. It's a bitter emptiness that is surrounding me. All the would haves, should haves and could haves. I have to let him go; the cage door is open now and I need to fly away. Somehow, I'm still stuck at the door, waiting. I know he's moving on and yet here I am wanting him to feel for me what quite possibly he never has.
The reality has been there, staring me in the face for years. Why haven't I allowed myself to have better in life? Why have I believed that I don't deserve good things? I had thought all these years that I was in recovery mode, but this situation has left me afraid to leave the house, on the verge of tears, feeling fearful and depressed and God knows what else.
-- Edited by Raven Juniper on Friday 5th of August 2016 04:34:08 AM
el-cee said
Aug 5, 2016
I remeber you Raven and Im sorry its came to this for you. You sound like you have reached a bottom of sorts and it was at a real low I reached out and became truly ready for Alanon, I needed help and change. Go to a meeting, you will be giving yourself the best chance at the good life that of course you deserve.x
missmeliss said
Aug 5, 2016
It does sound like it could be an opportunity if you choose to let it be. Maybe your HP has done for you what you couldn't do yourself, because as you say it was unbearable the way it was...
When I lived with my A in fairly similar circumstances I felt the same way when he left (and he left me a few times). Always came back though, and life went on as miserably as it did before..nothing changed other than he grew even more certain that I'd be there waiting no matter what he did.
I'd say, if it helps to view it this way, then maybe consider how much better things could be between you if you work on your own life and independence and joy now; then if you reconcile you'll be in a much better position and then again, you just might find that you don't want to anyway after a while...what I am getting at is, how about not trying to make a big decision about whether you want to "bolt now that the cage door is open" or "keep the home fires burning" but instead just focus on you, and what makes you happy, and how to strengthen your own self and life so that whatever the future brings you'll be a happier stronger you? I think you really, really deserve that.
Hugs.
I'm not glad that you're miserable but I'm glad to see you back.
hotrod said
Aug 5, 2016
Hi raven welcome back . I believe that the sadness is normal as grieving the end of a relationship is necessary in order to move on. I found that working Steps 4 through 11 on the issues really helped me to process the past, let go of the anger and sadness, examine my part and learn the lessons and move on. Please keep oming back. There is hope.
Iamhere said
Aug 5, 2016
Hello raven and I too welcome you back. I remember feeling that despairing sadness when a qualifier walked out 'never to return'. I was so raw, I had to be told that we don't just grieve when one leaves this earth; we grieve when we have any loss. The level of grieving and process is different for each of us, but it's almost harder to grieve one who is still on the earth than the other.
When I found Al-Anon, I was very broken, very sad and very bitter. When I was told that I did not cause it, could not control it nor could change it, I felt a bit of relief. My sadness was real and still present, but being able to have others validate that it's OK to love an A and OK to grieve a loss made me see a better day in front of me. I could not dwell on anything from the past, as it just brought me down and I could not project into the future. My emotions and thinking were very negative and distorted - almost everything I projected was negative and doom/gloom.
Staying present, going to meetings, daily readings and a sponsor helped me see that there was hope and I could/would have a better day if I was willing to love myself and work on me. I had to avoid crazy-making people (those who call to give updates are in that category for me), drama and chaos (folks who look outside themselves for joy or blame) and many other things in the beginning as my brain/attitude looked at what was WRONG in each (avoided all social media for a while) situation. Slowly but surely, I was able to find gratitude in small things, see what was RIGHT in situations and rebuild my life as I wanted/needed.
Be gentle with yourself and try to just do one/two things just for you.....as simple as a walk, a nap, ice cream....just something for you. There is hope and help in the program - one foot in front of the other is how we trudge until we learn to skip!!
(((Hugs)))
savingmyself said
Aug 5, 2016
I unfortunately relate to most of what you have written in one way or another. Remember that all your feelings are totally normal. It is wonderful that you have a program. You're not alone.
Jerry F said
Aug 6, 2016
Aloha Raven and welcome back. Sad that the negative progression of this disease has reached you also. Alcoholism does include that negative progression where things continue to get worse never better. For us in Al-Anon that is a symptom we have to deal with time and again as we work toward our own recovery. Blessings being sent your way and ((((hugs))))
milkwood said
Aug 6, 2016
Hello Raven,
Good to see you again! I'm sorry the circumstances aren't better - take good care of yourself. I think it is natural to grieve a little and then let that wide world outside the cage distract you and then delight you. ((((Hugs))))
gabigail said
Aug 6, 2016
Hi Raven-
I understand the range of emotions that you are going through as my A and I have been separated for a couple of weeks. I was devastated at first, relieved, worried, then upset of what could have been and all the years together that seem to be a waste, to anger, to peace, to guilt, etc. I think you get the idea. I dunno if we will get back together. When my A first left I was free to do a meeting marathon. That has helped me so much. Being a co-dependent married to an A, I go to al-anon and Coda meetings. I am also going to an open AA meeting to get a different perspective. During this time, my support system has expanded. I am so thankful for all of my support and that I have opened up. Part of that I also give to my HP. For the first time in a long time I'm making my own plans. It's freeing to me. Do take care of you. I have found for me that making myself busy is making me better.
SerenityRUS said
Aug 7, 2016
Hugs RJ,
I remember you (pushka) and I am soooo sorry for your loss of relationship. I do find that HP does for me what I cannot do for myself. It is ok to be sad and grieve .. it's a loss and now betrayal. I do hope you will find the support you need in the rooms of alanon so you can strengthen yourself. One of my dating things I have learned that I didn't put in my original post is that they ALWAYS COME BACK!!!
It's the craziest thing that the hardest thing to get rid of is an alcoholic is beyond true .. LOL .. I find that to be true on my dating site as well. There is a new term I had never heard before it's referred to as benching .. I have to laugh .. seriously laugh .. I have had men pop up out of the blue and I have to remind myself .. who are these people how do I know them and so on .. well .. I remember and then I have a good laugh at myself.
I just know my time with my XAH I spent a lot of time in my head creating the relationship I wanted it to be and not what it was .. it's like trying to rewrite the past expecting the future to have a different outcome.
Anyway, long story short .. work on you .. whatever did or did not happen in the relationship you can look at that later .. now is strictly a time for healing not trying to figure out why it's your fault he did what he did .. there is no logical reason for that my friend .. outside of he's an A and he can't be alone .. it's more important for you to heal from the inside out.
Hello everyone: There may be a few of you here that remember me, but I've seen quite a lot of new names and faces. I am a recovering co-dependent who was in a relationship with an A for several years, up until about 2 1/2 weeks ago. The A's father passed away after a sudden illness 3 weeks ago, and the family wired a ticket to get the A home for the funeral. Even though the relationship had been troubled and dysfunctional, there was loving and caring feelings still. The A of course was devastated and heartbroken and I was heartbroken for the A as well. We parted on good but sad terms, him promising that he would get a job and send for me, me going along with him but having a "grip" on the reality of the situation. Since his departure, I've been in a state of mourning. 1. I'm mourning what could have been, what never was. The relationship was agonizing and needed to go, but why do I feel like crying all the time? 2. I feel guilty, did I treat him well enough? Could I have done more? I feel like I was cruel to him somehow, even though living with him was torturous. 3. I find myself relieved that he's gone, but yet find myself hoping "maybe everything will change and he'll get sober," even as I know that he's really an alcoholic/addict who won't change his spots because he's home. He's called several times and many of those times I could tell he was drinking. I would invent an excuse to get off the line, or if the call was after midnight, I'd let it go to voicemail.
Fast forward to tonight: I found out that he's been telling his sister that things are getting serious with his ex gf and mother of his 17 year old daughter (both of whom he hasn't seen in 12 years). He's also been asking a family friend out on dates and probably several others as well. I'm not shocked, at least I don't think I am, but I feel a sad bitterness, it nauseated me when I got the messages about all this. Hours later I still feel like I could throw up, but nothing's there. That's it. It's a bitter emptiness that is surrounding me. All the would haves, should haves and could haves. I have to let him go; the cage door is open now and I need to fly away. Somehow, I'm still stuck at the door, waiting. I know he's moving on and yet here I am wanting him to feel for me what quite possibly he never has.
The reality has been there, staring me in the face for years. Why haven't I allowed myself to have better in life? Why have I believed that I don't deserve good things? I had thought all these years that I was in recovery mode, but this situation has left me afraid to leave the house, on the verge of tears, feeling fearful and depressed and God knows what else.
-- Edited by Raven Juniper on Friday 5th of August 2016 04:34:08 AM
When I lived with my A in fairly similar circumstances I felt the same way when he left (and he left me a few times). Always came back though, and life went on as miserably as it did before..nothing changed other than he grew even more certain that I'd be there waiting no matter what he did.
I'd say, if it helps to view it this way, then maybe consider how much better things could be between you if you work on your own life and independence and joy now; then if you reconcile you'll be in a much better position and then again, you just might find that you don't want to anyway after a while...what I am getting at is, how about not trying to make a big decision about whether you want to "bolt now that the cage door is open" or "keep the home fires burning" but instead just focus on you, and what makes you happy, and how to strengthen your own self and life so that whatever the future brings you'll be a happier stronger you? I think you really, really deserve that.
Hugs.
I'm not glad that you're miserable but I'm glad to see you back.
Hi raven welcome back . I believe that the sadness is normal as grieving the end of a relationship is necessary in order to move on.
I found that working Steps 4 through 11 on the issues really helped me to process the past, let go of the anger and sadness, examine my part and learn the lessons and move on.
Please keep oming back. There is hope.
When I found Al-Anon, I was very broken, very sad and very bitter. When I was told that I did not cause it, could not control it nor could change it, I felt a bit of relief. My sadness was real and still present, but being able to have others validate that it's OK to love an A and OK to grieve a loss made me see a better day in front of me. I could not dwell on anything from the past, as it just brought me down and I could not project into the future. My emotions and thinking were very negative and distorted - almost everything I projected was negative and doom/gloom.
Staying present, going to meetings, daily readings and a sponsor helped me see that there was hope and I could/would have a better day if I was willing to love myself and work on me. I had to avoid crazy-making people (those who call to give updates are in that category for me), drama and chaos (folks who look outside themselves for joy or blame) and many other things in the beginning as my brain/attitude looked at what was WRONG in each (avoided all social media for a while) situation. Slowly but surely, I was able to find gratitude in small things, see what was RIGHT in situations and rebuild my life as I wanted/needed.
Be gentle with yourself and try to just do one/two things just for you.....as simple as a walk, a nap, ice cream....just something for you. There is hope and help in the program - one foot in front of the other is how we trudge until we learn to skip!!
(((Hugs)))
Aloha Raven and welcome back. Sad that the negative progression of this disease has reached you also. Alcoholism does include that negative progression where things continue to get worse never better. For us in Al-Anon that is a symptom we have to deal with time and again as we work toward our own recovery. Blessings being sent your way and ((((hugs))))
Good to see you again! I'm sorry the circumstances aren't better - take good care of yourself. I think it is natural to grieve a little and then let that wide world outside the cage distract you and then delight you. ((((Hugs))))
I understand the range of emotions that you are going through as my A and I have been separated for a couple of weeks. I was devastated at first, relieved, worried, then upset of what could have been and all the years together that seem to be a waste, to anger, to peace, to guilt, etc. I think you get the idea. I dunno if we will get back together. When my A first left I was free to do a meeting marathon. That has helped me so much. Being a co-dependent married to an A, I go to al-anon and Coda meetings. I am also going to an open AA meeting to get a different perspective. During this time, my support system has expanded. I am so thankful for all of my support and that I have opened up. Part of that I also give to my HP. For the first time in a long time I'm making my own plans. It's freeing to me. Do take care of you. I have found for me that making myself busy is making me better.
I remember you (pushka) and I am soooo sorry for your loss of relationship. I do find that HP does for me what I cannot do for myself. It is ok to be sad and grieve .. it's a loss and now betrayal. I do hope you will find the support you need in the rooms of alanon so you can strengthen yourself. One of my dating things I have learned that I didn't put in my original post is that they ALWAYS COME BACK!!!
It's the craziest thing that the hardest thing to get rid of is an alcoholic is beyond true .. LOL .. I find that to be true on my dating site as well. There is a new term I had never heard before it's referred to as benching .. I have to laugh .. seriously laugh .. I have had men pop up out of the blue and I have to remind myself .. who are these people how do I know them and so on .. well .. I remember and then I have a good laugh at myself.
I just know my time with my XAH I spent a lot of time in my head creating the relationship I wanted it to be and not what it was .. it's like trying to rewrite the past expecting the future to have a different outcome.
Anyway, long story short .. work on you .. whatever did or did not happen in the relationship you can look at that later .. now is strictly a time for healing not trying to figure out why it's your fault he did what he did .. there is no logical reason for that my friend .. outside of he's an A and he can't be alone .. it's more important for you to heal from the inside out.
Hugs S :)