I haven't had contact with my alcoholic dad in 6 years or his family. I didn't meet them until I was in my 20's, then flew across the country to meet my aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins several times. I really miss my family. But my dad being the alcoholic, and me with a overworked defense mechanism had a big falling out. He spread a bunch lies to his family and bad talks me every chance he had. My brother gets along with him and sees our family a few times each year. I was scared off by my dad. I stopped talking to everyone. I think I left my self slide into the 'victim' role. When my grandmother died I called and asked my dad if he would mind if I went to the funeral and he refused to talk to me and didn't want me to go so I stayed away.
after dealing with this, my husband had his addiction rear up and I left him, rebuilt, grew to love alanon, worked my steps.Life is good.
My cousin in Boston is getting married, I miss her. I would love to see my cousins and family. My brother is talking me into going. I tried poking around on FB and asking if anyone minded if I go, I left a message with my dad.
THEN I STOPPED. I thought really? Am I letting an alcoholic bully have this much control over my life? Do I need his permission to see MY family also?
That was a big realization. I decided to go. BUT I seriously need to bone up on some good alanon strategies for when I get there. I want o reconnect with family but honestly I am a bit scared and I am bringing my two girls with me to meet everyone. I need to learn how to not engage, let the past be, and move forward. I am just scared honestly. My dad practically raised my cousin and is giving her away. I know that I can't cause him to go on a bender that is his choice. But if it happens and he blames me for coming out, or is nasty to me about the past I worry about how to react that keeps me from looking bad in front of my family. I don't want them to blame me for stuff also.
Anyone suggest some quotes, readings, mantras that I can write down and read over as I need it? I would REALLY appreciate it. I use alanon for everything these days and i knwo that it is the only thing that works.
-thanks!
Mcat54 said
Aug 5, 2016
In addition to C2C book, I like online resources -- Sparkpeople.com has a daily alanon meditation and hazledenbettyford.org has a series of thoughts for the day from recovery literature that I keep open on my phone and read at work on short breaks. I say a short version of the serenity prayer ( I can't, he can, I'll let him) and part of step 11 (praying only for knowledge of his will and the power to carry it out). These snippets help me focus. One of the online resources this week said there are two views of every situation -- yours and HP's. That was helpful for what I'm dealing with for my AH, as he feels he has no problem.
I know I'm not responsible for others' perceptions, but only my own choices and behaviors. My ex's family was quite the challenge, and it was always helpful for me to imagine what I wanted to model for my daughter in tough situations. What would I want her to see me do? What will she learn from my actions here? Sometimes that could get me out of fear, knowing it was a teachable moment for her. I hope you enjoy seeing your family. I know I have let people have way too much power in my life and denied myself the joy of seeing so many others. Making a different choice was hard, but worth it. Good luck.
Iamhere said
Aug 5, 2016
Family is so tricky as they can push buttons for me like no other. I always have to go with an open mind, stay in the present and take HP with me - allowing him to open the door, walk in first and then lead me. The slogans and the daily readings help me stay present and my abbreviated serenity prayer helps when someone around me is crazy making - Bless Them, Change Me. I repeat that over and over and over again when anyone any where is inviting me on the crazy train. Today, just as you realized you don't need permission to see your family, I have the choice to not react and just let it go!
Enjoy the event and the people. Remember why you are going (wedding) and be free to live in your new truth. Nobody has power over us unless we give it to them. (((Hugs)))
Rinn said
Aug 5, 2016
Thanks for listening and giving me a chance to vent and for the read resources for extra reading. I think i made some powerful changes and realizations the last 24 hours.
First realizing I was handing control of my life over to some one else's addiction. I needed to acknowledge that. It was a long time coming too. That is not the way alanon has taught me to live. Once I realized that, I had to figure out how to deal with this change.
The ability to vent hear about my fears helped. It also made me see my real fear," But if it happens and he blames me for coming out, or is nasty to me about the past I worry about how to react that keeps me from looking bad in front of my family. I don't want them to blame me for stuff also." I worried about how my dads reaction would make me look. I can't change that. What I can change is how I approach the whole situation. Am I going to approach it as a victim? (asking permission, sulking about, avoiding my dad?) That also is not how I use alanon to handle my issues.
So I did the grown up thing and called him. I got his personal cell number from my brother, and used my home phone which he didn't know and guess what he picked up. Instead of dredging up the past, placing blame, asking permission, or doing any other manipulative thing... I said, "hi dad, I am going to janelle's wedding at the end of the month. I hope you will be there,, I would really like to see you. I would love for you to meet your grand daughters and this seem like a perfect time to get back in touch. Will you be there?" He said yes, and that he would love to see them and me. He even offered to call the rest of the family with the news. I told him spending a day doing something just us and the kids to catch up would be fun. We are going to plan that and keep in touch before the trip.
I was direct with the source of the problem, I stayed in the present. I was honest about my feelings and thoughts because that is the truth and something I can control- my choice to just say it. I was prepared to accept any answer he gave and stay in the present and let it be what it is.
This is such a moment for me, I haven't seen my dad's side of the family in nearly 6 years. It is still scary but a weight off. Now I am jsut having shy social ackward scaary not oh no what will my dad say or do scary. Now I know we can both be grown ups and just handle this.
Alanon is awesome
NSBlue said
Aug 5, 2016
Many of the suggestions mentioned are wonderful. I can understand your fear.
I now have a habit that when my feet hit the floor in the morning that I ask my higher power be with me through the next 24 hrs and guide me all the way. I then get into my daily readings for it helps me focus on my recovery and keeps my mind in the moment. I found downloading the Al-anon readings on my kindle for my phone as well as an app called "Todays Hope" and "My Tool Kit" help in a pinch...for who these days goes anywhere without their phone. It is something that is always handy...and when overwhelmed I step into a bathroom somewhere and , say a prayer, read and it helps clear that static.... for I am powerless and God is the only one who can help me.
One thing I have found that helps when going away is to see if there is a meeting in the area where you are going. Al-anon members everywhere are a huge support.
Trust your Higher power will help you, let go of your fear and Let God <3
-- Edited by NSBlue on Friday 5th of August 2016 03:52:12 PM
Iamhere said
Aug 5, 2016
Welcome to MIP NSBlue! Glad to have you join us and what a great first share!
Keep coming back - one day at a time, God's got this!!
Rinn said
Aug 6, 2016
thanks blue! I will check out that app
Rinn said
Aug 6, 2016
what a roller coaster. I called my dad and was excited. But my aunt who's daughter is getting married emailed my brother ( I left her a message to call and emailed her and my cousin direct) anyway she reached out to my brother and basically uninvited me because they don't want some big emotional family drama at the wedding. So even though my dads on board, I can't bring out my kids to meet everyone and I can't go. I went from so happy I can't stand it to I want to cry. ugh. If I go then I would have to stay a whole town away and people can come to us and visit, but I should stay away the week everyone is flying out. I have hurt feelings.
I guess talking to my dad is a step I should be happy for and just leave it at that. But what I really wanted was to have my family back and not really have him. But I guess he is kinda he gateway to the family like I knew. and maybe my higher power just showed be a closed door for a reason.
I kinda wish my brother had never talked me into this I just feel like a fool though. I just don't feel like I will every be really accepted into the family again. I just feel like monkey poo. ugh.
-- Edited by Rinn on Saturday 6th of August 2016 02:25:38 AM
Jen61 said
Aug 9, 2016
Both of my parents were alcoholics. They yse to leave clear across the country from me. My sister and I always said that we could be around our dad a max of 48 houts. And that was it. The last time they have to visit it was horrible. Lots of drinking, falling, yelling. They stayed with us for 8 days. I wrote my mom a letter telling her I cannot through this again. Of course "they" do not have the problem. To be constantly emeshed into the crazy world is just not healthy. Another interesting thing is that my parents never called us. Why I have no idea. So, when I would call them It gave me anxiety. My mom would be on the phone with me but start yelling at my dad and then I could hear my dad in the background. I started calling them less. I felt like I had to protect myself.
I haven't had contact with my alcoholic dad in 6 years or his family. I didn't meet them until I was in my 20's, then flew across the country to meet my aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins several times. I really miss my family. But my dad being the alcoholic, and me with a overworked defense mechanism had a big falling out. He spread a bunch lies to his family and bad talks me every chance he had. My brother gets along with him and sees our family a few times each year. I was scared off by my dad. I stopped talking to everyone. I think I left my self slide into the 'victim' role. When my grandmother died I called and asked my dad if he would mind if I went to the funeral and he refused to talk to me and didn't want me to go so I stayed away.
after dealing with this, my husband had his addiction rear up and I left him, rebuilt, grew to love alanon, worked my steps.Life is good.
My cousin in Boston is getting married, I miss her. I would love to see my cousins and family. My brother is talking me into going. I tried poking around on FB and asking if anyone minded if I go, I left a message with my dad.
THEN I STOPPED. I thought really? Am I letting an alcoholic bully have this much control over my life? Do I need his permission to see MY family also?
That was a big realization. I decided to go. BUT I seriously need to bone up on some good alanon strategies for when I get there. I want o reconnect with family but honestly I am a bit scared and I am bringing my two girls with me to meet everyone. I need to learn how to not engage, let the past be, and move forward. I am just scared honestly. My dad practically raised my cousin and is giving her away. I know that I can't cause him to go on a bender that is his choice. But if it happens and he blames me for coming out, or is nasty to me about the past I worry about how to react that keeps me from looking bad in front of my family. I don't want them to blame me for stuff also.
Anyone suggest some quotes, readings, mantras that I can write down and read over as I need it? I would REALLY appreciate it. I use alanon for everything these days and i knwo that it is the only thing that works.
-thanks!
I know I'm not responsible for others' perceptions, but only my own choices and behaviors. My ex's family was quite the challenge, and it was always helpful for me to imagine what I wanted to model for my daughter in tough situations. What would I want her to see me do? What will she learn from my actions here? Sometimes that could get me out of fear, knowing it was a teachable moment for her. I hope you enjoy seeing your family. I know I have let people have way too much power in my life and denied myself the joy of seeing so many others. Making a different choice was hard, but worth it. Good luck.
Enjoy the event and the people. Remember why you are going (wedding) and be free to live in your new truth. Nobody has power over us unless we give it to them. (((Hugs)))
First realizing I was handing control of my life over to some one else's addiction. I needed to acknowledge that. It was a long time coming too. That is not the way alanon has taught me to live. Once I realized that, I had to figure out how to deal with this change.
The ability to vent hear about my fears helped. It also made me see my real fear," But if it happens and he blames me for coming out, or is nasty to me about the past I worry about how to react that keeps me from looking bad in front of my family. I don't want them to blame me for stuff also." I worried about how my dads reaction would make me look. I can't change that. What I can change is how I approach the whole situation. Am I going to approach it as a victim? (asking permission, sulking about, avoiding my dad?) That also is not how I use alanon to handle my issues.
So I did the grown up thing and called him. I got his personal cell number from my brother, and used my home phone which he didn't know and guess what he picked up. Instead of dredging up the past, placing blame, asking permission, or doing any other manipulative thing... I said, "hi dad, I am going to janelle's wedding at the end of the month. I hope you will be there,, I would really like to see you. I would love for you to meet your grand daughters and this seem like a perfect time to get back in touch. Will you be there?" He said yes, and that he would love to see them and me. He even offered to call the rest of the family with the news. I told him spending a day doing something just us and the kids to catch up would be fun. We are going to plan that and keep in touch before the trip.
I was direct with the source of the problem, I stayed in the present. I was honest about my feelings and thoughts because that is the truth and something I can control- my choice to just say it. I was prepared to accept any answer he gave and stay in the present and let it be what it is.
This is such a moment for me, I haven't seen my dad's side of the family in nearly 6 years. It is still scary but a weight off. Now I am jsut having shy social ackward scaary not oh no what will my dad say or do scary. Now I know we can both be grown ups and just handle this.
Alanon is awesome
Many of the suggestions mentioned are wonderful. I can understand your fear.
I now have a habit that when my feet hit the floor in the morning that I ask my higher power be with me through the next 24 hrs and guide me all the way. I then get into my daily readings for it helps me focus on my recovery and keeps my mind in the moment.
I found downloading the Al-anon readings on my kindle for my phone as well as an app called "Todays Hope" and "My Tool Kit" help in a pinch...for who these days goes anywhere without their phone. It is something that is always handy...and when overwhelmed I step into a bathroom somewhere and , say a prayer, read and it helps clear that static.... for I am powerless and God is the only one who can help me.
One thing I have found that helps when going away is to see if there is a meeting in the area where you are going. Al-anon members everywhere are a huge support.
Trust your Higher power will help you, let go of your fear and Let God <3
-- Edited by NSBlue on Friday 5th of August 2016 03:52:12 PM
Keep coming back - one day at a time, God's got this!!
thanks blue! I will check out that app
what a roller coaster. I called my dad and was excited. But my aunt who's daughter is getting married emailed my brother ( I left her a message to call and emailed her and my cousin direct) anyway she reached out to my brother and basically uninvited me because they don't want some big emotional family drama at the wedding. So even though my dads on board, I can't bring out my kids to meet everyone and I can't go. I went from so happy I can't stand it to I want to cry. ugh. If I go then I would have to stay a whole town away and people can come to us and visit, but I should stay away the week everyone is flying out. I have hurt feelings.
I guess talking to my dad is a step I should be happy for and just leave it at that. But what I really wanted was to have my family back and not really have him. But I guess he is kinda he gateway to the family like I knew. and maybe my higher power just showed be a closed door for a reason.
I kinda wish my brother had never talked me into this I just feel like a fool though. I just don't feel like I will every be really accepted into the family again. I just feel like monkey poo. ugh.
-- Edited by Rinn on Saturday 6th of August 2016 02:25:38 AM