This leaflet is from the other side of the family and one of the views is from an alcoholic. Powerful letter, thought Id share.
Open Letter from the Alcoholic
I am an alcoholic. I need your help.
Don't lecture, blame or scold me. You wouldn't be angry with me for having cancer or diabetes. Alcoholism is a disease, too.
Don't pour out my liquor; it's just a waste because I can always find ways of getting more.
Don't let me provoke your anger. If you attack me verbally or physically, you will only confirm my bad opinion abut myself. I hate myself enough already.
Don't let your love and anxiety for me lead you into doing what I ought to do for myself. If you assume my responsibilities, you make my failure to assume them permanent. My sense of guilt will be increased, and you will feel resentful.
Don't accept my promises. I'll promise anything to get off the hook. But the nature of my illness prevents me from keeping my promises, even though I mean them at the time.
Don't make empty threats. Once you have made a decision, stick to it.
Don't believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness. Moreover, I'm likely to lose respect for those I can fool too easily.
Don't let me take advantage of you or exploit you in any way. Love cannot exist for long without the dimension of justice.
Don't cover up for me or try in any way to spare me the consequences of my drinking. Don't lie for me, pay my bills, or meet my obligations. It may avert or reduce the very crisis that would prompt me to seek help. I can continue to deny that I have a drinking problem as long as you provide an automatic escape for the consequences of my drinking.
Above all, do learn all you can about alcoholism and your role in relation to me. Go to open AA meetings when you can. Attend Al-Anon meetings regularly, read the literature and keep in touch with Al-Anon members. They're the people who can help you see the whole situation clearly.
I love you.
Your Alcoholic
Calm Lady said
Aug 4, 2016
Thank you for sharing this, lots to think about in it.
What jumped out at me was the past about the A having more respect for a person who doesn't let them take advantage.
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Thursday 4th of August 2016 11:25:01 AM
el-cee said
Aug 4, 2016
Its powerful and at the moment Im letting my A son live with me and I could tick a good few of these that I am not doing. Enabling seems to be a persistent gradual thing that creeps up time and again. The more we give the more they take and the sicker everyone becomes.
Calm Lady said
Aug 4, 2016
el-cee wrote:
Its powerful and at the moment Im letting my A son live with me and I could tick a good few of these that I am not doing. Enabling seems to be a persistent gradual thing that creeps up time and again. The more we give the more they take and the sicker everyone becomes.
So very true about the more we give, the more they take and the sicker we all become.
This is something I working on at present. Stopping myself!
Iamhere said
Aug 4, 2016
Great share El-Cee......it almost seems it should be our side literature too! I am grateful that I came to Al-Anon viewing this as a disease - it did make admitting how powerless I was a bit easier most days....
I can so relate to the more we give, the more they take. It took me a long time to realize that while the disease is active, I will never be enough, I can never give enough and they will take until I am depleted IF I do not set boundaries and take care of me.
Great list of reminders and 'good to know' items!
el-cee said
Aug 4, 2016
Hey Iamhere, yeah its like a list of dont do's. Right now im not doing so well, ive justified and found excuses for enabling and found another name for it. This was used at my meeting last night and surprisingly this is Alanon literature and not AA. All 3 views are from 'the other side of the family' I really liked that and wish there was more.x
milkwood said
Aug 4, 2016
Thank you so much El-Cee - such a great letter.
I have tested every one of these 'don'ts' (except pouring out the booze) and the advice to not do these things is so, so right. Not easy though, which is why keeping the focus on me, and what I need to do to get and stay healthy is so very important. I became depressed doing my utmost and still not being enough. I hope that I won't go there again!
Calm Lady said
Aug 4, 2016
Oh goodness yes, in the past I have given given given and it indeed was never enough. I have felt like asking if the A wanted one of my kidneys or a pint of my blood!
What a relief to learn at Al-anon that I am sick in trying to give so much, that I need to learn to say no and step away. Take care of myself and let the A take care of themselves as we adults are all meant to do.
Looking back, my enabling was very damaging to the As in my life, as well as myself.
I don't do it now.
serenity47 said
Aug 4, 2016
Thank you for sharing this El-Cee. It is so easy to fall into the enabling behaviour with people we love and care about.
el-cee said
Aug 4, 2016
Its a very good point about being never enough, so true. Its step one really, were powerless, isnt it funny that we can go back to step one every day, well I can. What did your A say about your offer? lol.
Enabling is so dangerous, life threatenng and that is what this leaflet is kind of saying. there are three views and one is the view of a member twelve stepping an alcoholic and it goes on and on about the family and getting the message to the family about Alanon so within AA they recognise the dangers of enabling. I often wonder why the Alanon rooms arent full of people though. I mean for every alcoholic there must be a good few family members who could do with Alanon, so maybe the message isnt getting through.
Calm Lady said
Aug 4, 2016
Lol, El C, my AH wasnt amused! I was though.
It really is dangerous to enable, isn't it? I always thought I was being NICE!
That is a good point about why more aren't attending Al-anon.
I was speaking to my doctor a while ago, I am in England btw, and she referred to drinking as a disease! I was surprised that she had that level of awareness. I have not encountered it in a GP before. Usually they say something completely unhelpful. Like telling the A to change to beer from whisky! Dufffhh.
Al-anon to me is about me and my nuttiness!
el-cee said
Aug 4, 2016
I am in Scotland and there seems to be a lack of awareness in the UK, we seem so behind the USA on alcoholism, dont you think? There is a program here that 'teaches' alcoholics to drink in moderation! Can you believe that and its most likely keeping so many drinkers out of AA and on that dangerous path for longer.
I am also here for my own insanity!! Imagine being grateful for discovering you were insane and being relieved about it, lol.x
milkwood said
Aug 4, 2016
I think you are right that the message doesn't get through that easily, in the UK at least. I knew about AA but not Alanon and the first organisation that I reached out to for help was Relate (a charity that helps people with relationship problems). So, understandably, they came at it from the point of view of trying to create a loving relationship and they thought I was pushing my husband away - that was a load of guilt that I didn't need at the time!
Calm Lady said
Aug 4, 2016
Oh absolutely, I think we are way behind the USA in the area of alcoholism and addiction in general.
Lol, I have a great sense of humour about my insanity and general nuttiness!
Coming from a nutty family, I didn't know what was normal and what was nuts! I am enjoying learning now! I am in my 50s so have nuttily train crashed through my life until about 5 years ago!
Encouraging moderation is bonkers!
el-cee said
Aug 4, 2016
Haha, its good to meet you Calm Lady. I also feel good that I know how nuts I was because for years I thought it was all because of him. Now i know its in my own hands I feel so much better about my insanity. Theres hope now. Its like, come on everyone its okay, your just insane!!!
el-cee said
Aug 4, 2016
Hi Milkwood, I thought about relate too, I even bought a book on it all but 'we' living within the disease cant approach any of it with the 'normal' ideas. Its all enabling, and makes it worse. Why are we so backwards? even the prison systems dont do much to deal with the disease and its what most prisoners suffer from. I would also have alateen in schools if it was up to me.
Calm Lady said
Aug 4, 2016
el-cee wrote:
Haha, its good to meet you Calm Lady. I also feel good that I know how nuts I was because for years I thought it was all because of him. Now i know its in my own hands I feel so much better about my insanity. Theres hope now. Its like, come on everyone its okay, your just insane!!!
Yes yes yes! I am laughing. It's great to realise it is US because then we are free to change us and put ourselves right. I am very excited about life now.
May i share a recent realisation? Been with AH about 13 years, now we thought HE had a bout of depression and grumpiness every month. He believed was to do with cycles of the moon as his grandfather used to say the same thing.
Well eventually the penny dropped, it is actually ME who gets PMS once a month and therefore acts nutty and impatient which in turn sends AH off in a spin!
LaurieA said
Aug 4, 2016
I am so thankful to read this letter..what I needed. I also LOVE to claim my insanity. Knowing that only me along with my HP can fix it, is something to look forward to . I like being responsible for me. Thank you all
Calm Lady said
Aug 4, 2016
Yes, it feels good to know we can change. Empowering.
This leaflet is from the other side of the family and one of the views is from an alcoholic. Powerful letter, thought Id share.
Open Letter from the Alcoholic
I am an alcoholic. I need your help.
Don't lecture, blame or scold me. You wouldn't be angry with me for having cancer or diabetes. Alcoholism is a disease, too.
Don't pour out my liquor; it's just a waste because I can always find ways of getting more.
Don't let me provoke your anger. If you attack me verbally or physically, you will only confirm my bad opinion abut myself. I hate myself enough already.
Don't let your love and anxiety for me lead you into doing what I ought to do for myself. If you assume my responsibilities, you make my failure to assume them permanent. My sense of guilt will be increased, and you will feel resentful.
Don't accept my promises. I'll promise anything to get off the hook. But the nature of my illness prevents me from keeping my promises, even though I mean them at the time.
Don't make empty threats. Once you have made a decision, stick to it.
Don't believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness. Moreover, I'm likely to lose respect for those I can fool too easily.
Don't let me take advantage of you or exploit you in any way. Love cannot exist for long without the dimension of justice.
Don't cover up for me or try in any way to spare me the consequences of my drinking. Don't lie for me, pay my bills, or meet my obligations. It may avert or reduce the very crisis that would prompt me to seek help. I can continue to deny that I have a drinking problem as long as you provide an automatic escape for the consequences of my drinking.
Above all, do learn all you can about alcoholism and your role in relation to me. Go to open AA meetings when you can. Attend Al-Anon meetings regularly, read the literature and keep in touch with Al-Anon members. They're the people who can help you see the whole situation clearly.
I love you.
Your Alcoholic
Thank you for sharing this, lots to think about in it.
What jumped out at me was the past about the A having more respect for a person who doesn't let them take advantage.
-- Edited by Calm Lady on Thursday 4th of August 2016 11:25:01 AM
So very true about the more we give, the more they take and the sicker we all become.
This is something I working on at present. Stopping myself!
I can so relate to the more we give, the more they take. It took me a long time to realize that while the disease is active, I will never be enough, I can never give enough and they will take until I am depleted IF I do not set boundaries and take care of me.
Great list of reminders and 'good to know' items!
I have tested every one of these 'don'ts' (except pouring out the booze) and the advice to not do these things is so, so right. Not easy though, which is why keeping the focus on me, and what I need to do to get and stay healthy is so very important. I became depressed doing my utmost and still not being enough. I hope that I won't go there again!
What a relief to learn at Al-anon that I am sick in trying to give so much, that I need to learn to say no and step away. Take care of myself and let the A take care of themselves as we adults are all meant to do.
Looking back, my enabling was very damaging to the As in my life, as well as myself.
I don't do it now.
Enabling is so dangerous, life threatenng and that is what this leaflet is kind of saying. there are three views and one is the view of a member twelve stepping an alcoholic and it goes on and on about the family and getting the message to the family about Alanon so within AA they recognise the dangers of enabling. I often wonder why the Alanon rooms arent full of people though. I mean for every alcoholic there must be a good few family members who could do with Alanon, so maybe the message isnt getting through.
It really is dangerous to enable, isn't it? I always thought I was being NICE!
That is a good point about why more aren't attending Al-anon.
I was speaking to my doctor a while ago, I am in England btw, and she referred to drinking as a disease! I was surprised that she had that level of awareness. I have not encountered it in a GP before. Usually they say something completely unhelpful. Like telling the A to change to beer from whisky! Dufffhh.
Al-anon to me is about me and my nuttiness!
I am also here for my own insanity!! Imagine being grateful for discovering you were insane and being relieved about it, lol.x
Lol, I have a great sense of humour about my insanity and general nuttiness!
Coming from a nutty family, I didn't know what was normal and what was nuts! I am enjoying learning now! I am in my 50s so have nuttily train crashed through my life until about 5 years ago!
Encouraging moderation is bonkers!
Yes yes yes! I am laughing. It's great to realise it is US because then we are free to change us and put ourselves right. I am very excited about life now.
May i share a recent realisation? Been with AH about 13 years, now we thought HE had a bout of depression and grumpiness every month. He believed was to do with cycles of the moon as his grandfather used to say the same thing.
Well eventually the penny dropped, it is actually ME who gets PMS once a month and therefore acts nutty and impatient which in turn sends AH off in a spin!