My AH has one day left of outpatient therapy and he has relapsed. He called me a couple times today, slurring his words, needing me for mundane things. He has fallen twice since I have gotten home from work.
I am working so hard to detach, let him be and focus on me. I go to two F2F meetings a week. I read the literature and am actively working the steps. I don't have a sponsor yet and have not yet identified someone in my groups to fill that role.
On top of everything, I have to prepare this week for a major interview for a new job that is an amazing opportunity Mme.
I simply don't know how to find serentity with an active alcoholic. I feel that my choices are limited and that leaving may be the only option. I know that Al-anon doesn't recommend making major decisions for at least six months. I feel so lost.
Iamhere said
Aug 2, 2016
kcsnooze - Al-Anon suggests no major decisions.....if you need a break for your serenity, by all means take it! Go to a motel for the night, a friend's home, a relative's......I look at that word major to mean drastic or permanent. I had several places that were safe for me should I ever need to leave - a cousin's home, a couple of friend's homes, etc. There were all kind enough to give me keys and said, any time -- day/night -- no call required. I took off several times to clear my head and typically after a meal, cup of coffee, meeting or other, I was renewed and able to return to my bed!
My point - don't let that keep you from doing what you need to do for your own peace of mind/serenity!
hotrod said
Aug 2, 2016
(Susan))) This is a difficut and painful road that we travel . I found once i truly accepted the Frist Step, that I was powerless over this disease I could then accept that i had to take care of myself whatever that looked like.
Alanon sugestions of not reacting but taking the time to see the situtaion clearly and then make a decision is a wise one. Leaving without processing the decision sometimes results in retuning and repating the game all over .
Keep going to your meetings, trust HP and good luck on your Job Interview-- Send HP in before you That works for me
Maresie said
Aug 3, 2016
I know there are other tools that assist in the road through making a decision. One is to make the plan b. That is to look at in depth what do you need to leave. What is it specifically, place to live, support, all the details.
To look at those issues without executing then all the agonizing gets put to the side. I found personally when I made a plan b that my focus on what the alcoholuc/addict did fell off.
I wish you a lot of luck with your interviewing. I am getting ready to go for a new job in a month or so. I know it takes a lot of courage to out yourself out there.
Maresie
Kcsnooze said
Aug 3, 2016
Thank you everyone for the replies.
I have been married for 16 years now and the last 10 have really been rough. I have been in the question of whether to stay or go for a long time. I was actually relieved when I started Al-anon a month ago and heard to wait to make permanent decisions for six months.
I will make a plan b.
I get that this was a relapse. When I look back to a year ago, it was so much worse. He could never imagine being sober. Our arguments were endless and always about whether he could live life without alcohol. So I do have to recognize that where he is today, admitting he is powerless over alcohol, in outpatient rehab and attending AA are all positive steps. I want to remain hopeful, and also don't want to be foolish. I want serenity. Many days I can find it and stay in it. Then the other shoe drops.
This potential new job means relocating to a whole other city. If I get offered and decide to take it, I will have three months to move. With that comes all of the old fears of moving my problems with me. Will moving away from our support system and changing our whole lives take away any hopes of finding a new norm?
I would love to hear from those who have decided to stay or leave permanently and what their experience was. Have any of you truly found serenity staying in a marriage with an active alcoholic?
Clara75 said
Aug 3, 2016
Ive decided to stay, for now.Ive come to understand that you dont have to make any hard and fast decisions, you can choose on a day by day basis. Ive been with my partner for 20 years and shes been in active addition for a large part of the last 13 years. I thought for a very long time I was trapped in a relationship and I was responsible for her wellbeing and that it was my job to keep her sober.If I could create a perfect life for us she would stop drinking.I put so much pressure on myself to find the answer and its exhausting and overwhelming and ultimately pointless.Shell stop drinking only when and if she is ready.
These days I ALWAYS have a plan b from everything from what we are doing for dinner to planning major life changes like moving house. I will never do anything with her that I am not capable of doing on my own, I wont tie myself to her financially in any way, I will never put her on any insurance in my name (especially car insurance), I wont lie on her behalf or protect her from the consequences of her choices. I sound pretty hard hearted but I love her more than anything in the world and I understand that this is a struggle for her and always will be.But addicts are can be unreliable, even with the best of intentions and I need to protect myself, and she does have a choice. I think this also takes pressure off as I am not putting my expectations on her.Making these changes has really reduced my anxiety.
Relapse is horrible. The bit I hate most is when you can feel it coming and are powerless to stop it, but each time it happens maybe we both learn something and she gets closer to true recovery.In the meantime Ive found the best way to live with her is to start each new day afresh.If she is sober we can be a couple, enjoy each others company and do the things we love to do.If she chooses to drink I go and do something else.I try not to let what happened on the previous day (good or bad) carry expectations or resentment into today - although its really hard sometimes!
When I first got here I gave myself 12 months to decide that was in March 2015 and Im still here and although cycling in and out of alcohol dependence quite regularly she has had some good periods and our relationship is generally more calm and respectful on both sides. I cant say I have found true serenity, but I have found a better, less stressful way of living and taken off a lot of pressure that I was putting on myself.. living with a A is stressful enough without me adding more!
best of luck with the interview
milkwood said
Aug 3, 2016
(((Kcsnooze))),
That job interview sounds wonderful, a really positive distraction and something that is just for you at a time when it is so easy to loose focus on yourself. Those issues of who moves with you are down the line a bit.
I stayed with my husband for a whole host of reasons - the usual ones of love and support, then of course there is that phase when one doesn't really realise that one can leave or take a break for oneself, and then I moved into more practical things such as not wanting to render myself homeless! I figured that I might try to learn how to live an independent life in my own home!! I have lots of hobbies that I enjoy, I plan my days around my own needs and friendships - I give just as much weight and care to meeting my own needs as I used to do when I was honouring business appointments in my diary. I don't let dramas distract me. I go and visit friends and gift myself lovely breaks from time to time. Living with AH in his early years of sobriety has not been easy, I had expectations that were probably pretty unrealistic, so that led to disappointment, but it is getting better. I think that our mutual respect is slowly becoming reestablished.
I have been studying with distance learning as well and now I am moving on to the next phase in order to get a qualification for what I hope will be a new career. So I have signed up to go to University (I love typing that, it tickles me so much to be setting off on this new adventure in my late fifties!). During term time I will be living in a different country to my husband and I suspect that won't be easy for either of us but I also feel as if we will both be able to use the time to reconnect with who we are as individuals.
You used an interesting phrase in your post - I wonder what is my 'new normal' going to be? I think I'm going to sit with that for a while, thank you for provoking my thoughts!
Good luck with the job interview, I bet you'll be fantastic and hope that you'll let us know how it goes for you.
Sending (((((hugs)))))
Iamhere said
Aug 3, 2016
I met and married my AH in recovery - the other side of the table if you will. We both had decent sobriety 6-7 years each and fell in love. We had our first child within a year and a second child 2 years later. He began his relapse between their births and while I suspected and truly thought I was loosing my mind, did not confirm his drinking for a long, long while.
While I was trying to accept that and deal with the hurt, betrayal, etc. my oldest began having some issues with depression. While we were seeking help for him, he (son) began experimenting with substances. While I was trying to now fix that + the depression, more stuff happened and .....
So - every time I have considered leaving, there has been a pull to not do so. I have stayed sober (will celebrate 29 years in October), my husband has reduced his drinking greatly and both my sons have the disease. I've stayed and through Al-Anon, have a life much like milkwood above me. My husband retired a year ago, and i was truly concerned that we'd bump heads and it's been pleasantly much different than I thought. I am so grateful the program has helped me change me and allow others to walk their path as they need to.
I stayed for my vows, and because I love him. I don't just love the sober him - I love him....warts and all. He's had 2 heart attacks, 3 stents, and triple bypass surgery so his drinking has slowed greatly. He's not a miserable person (dry drunk) but he's an isolating person. I do my own thing, meetings, lunch with friends, golf, softball, etc. and he does his too. We come together for meals, baseball watching and other things as desired/needed.
I believe our mutual respect has also carried us. We never fight, and I attribute that to recovery. I just don't - if he's moody, angry or whatever - I know it's not my thing. It's his to manage/deal with and heal from.
So - I have peace and joy in my life and am still married to my AH. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but this is for today.
Mcat54 said
Aug 4, 2016
If the finances weren't a factor, would those who have stayed made a different choice? I'm self supporting and dread the thought of a decline in lifestyle due to the choices of my AH. I like what Clara said about not being tied financially. So far, the only financial consequences are that he has very little saved for retirement (no pension since he's self-employed). He totaled his very old car and is paying for a new one on his own. It was his fault but not a DUI.
hotrod said
Aug 4, 2016
I stayed --hubby found sobriety and passed a few years later from cancer-- I had huge financial consequences. With the help of HP and this program, I worked my way out and became debt free within a few years. I never regretted my decision to stay and believe that it was all worth it .
Trust teh process
Calm Lady said
Aug 4, 2016
I am also self supporting which, in my opinion, made a big difference to me chosing to stay with AH. I don't think i would have wanted to rely on an A to support me or me have to support an A in his drinking.
Our finances are separate so there is no resentment or insecurity.
Iamhere said
Aug 4, 2016
Our finances were not a factor for my choice to stay. I always figure I will get by if need be, am an employable person and have never had issues dealing with $$.
Jazzie18 said
Aug 4, 2016
When my AH was active I was on the verge of leaving. I couldn't imagine staying once I had hit my bottom and went to my first face-to-face meeting. I was relieved when I heard the suggestion to not make a big decision until 6 months. I was lucky as my husband finally sobered up last June so I never had to make the decision. I do think that if he hadn't sobered up I would have left, and he also knew I was at the end of my rope and he didn't want to lose his family. I work full time so I was lucky to be financially independent. I asked this same question to my mom the other week when out to lunch. She was a stay at home mom and really stayed with my dad due to finances and not wanting to put kids through divorce. I do think in her situation we would have dealt a lot better with a divorce than growing up in our alcoholic family. I feel bad for her now because she basically just tolerates my dad (who has been sober for 10+ years) and they really don't have much of a marriage. I believe if she had left she would have found a much healthier relationship. Now she just has a lot of regret and anger/resentment towards my dad.
My AH has one day left of outpatient therapy and he has relapsed. He called me a couple times today, slurring his words, needing me for mundane things. He has fallen twice since I have gotten home from work.
I am working so hard to detach, let him be and focus on me. I go to two F2F meetings a week. I read the literature and am actively working the steps. I don't have a sponsor yet and have not yet identified someone in my groups to fill that role.
On top of everything, I have to prepare this week for a major interview for a new job that is an amazing opportunity Mme.
I simply don't know how to find serentity with an active alcoholic. I feel that my choices are limited and that leaving may be the only option. I know that Al-anon doesn't recommend making major decisions for at least six months. I feel so lost.
My point - don't let that keep you from doing what you need to do for your own peace of mind/serenity!
(Susan))) This is a difficut and painful road that we travel . I found once i truly accepted the Frist Step, that I was powerless over this disease I could then accept that i had to take care of myself whatever that looked like.
Alanon sugestions of not reacting but taking the time to see the situtaion clearly and then make a decision is a wise one. Leaving without processing the decision sometimes results in retuning and repating the game all over .
Keep going to your meetings, trust HP and good luck on your Job Interview-- Send HP in before you That works for me
Thank you everyone for the replies.
I have been married for 16 years now and the last 10 have really been rough. I have been in the question of whether to stay or go for a long time. I was actually relieved when I started Al-anon a month ago and heard to wait to make permanent decisions for six months.
I will make a plan b.
I get that this was a relapse. When I look back to a year ago, it was so much worse. He could never imagine being sober. Our arguments were endless and always about whether he could live life without alcohol. So I do have to recognize that where he is today, admitting he is powerless over alcohol, in outpatient rehab and attending AA are all positive steps. I want to remain hopeful, and also don't want to be foolish. I want serenity. Many days I can find it and stay in it. Then the other shoe drops.
This potential new job means relocating to a whole other city. If I get offered and decide to take it, I will have three months to move. With that comes all of the old fears of moving my problems with me. Will moving away from our support system and changing our whole lives take away any hopes of finding a new norm?
I would love to hear from those who have decided to stay or leave permanently and what their experience was. Have any of you truly found serenity staying in a marriage with an active alcoholic?
Ive decided to stay, for now. Ive come to understand that you dont have to make any hard and fast decisions, you can choose on a day by day basis. Ive been with my partner for 20 years and shes been in active addition for a large part of the last 13 years. I thought for a very long time I was trapped in a relationship and I was responsible for her wellbeing and that it was my job to keep her sober. If I could create a perfect life for us she would stop drinking. I put so much pressure on myself to find the answer and its exhausting and overwhelming and ultimately pointless. Shell stop drinking only when and if she is ready.
These days I ALWAYS have a plan b from everything from what we are doing for dinner to planning major life changes like moving house. I will never do anything with her that I am not capable of doing on my own, I wont tie myself to her financially in any way, I will never put her on any insurance in my name (especially car insurance), I wont lie on her behalf or protect her from the consequences of her choices. I sound pretty hard hearted but I love her more than anything in the world and I understand that this is a struggle for her and always will be. But addicts are can be unreliable, even with the best of intentions and I need to protect myself, and she does have a choice. I think this also takes pressure off as I am not putting my expectations on her. Making these changes has really reduced my anxiety.
Relapse is horrible. The bit I hate most is when you can feel it coming and are powerless to stop it, but each time it happens maybe we both learn something and she gets closer to true recovery. In the meantime Ive found the best way to live with her is to start each new day afresh. If she is sober we can be a couple, enjoy each others company and do the things we love to do. If she chooses to drink I go and do something else. I try not to let what happened on the previous day (good or bad) carry expectations or resentment into today - although its really hard sometimes!
When I first got here I gave myself 12 months to decide that was in March 2015 and Im still here and although cycling in and out of alcohol dependence quite regularly she has had some good periods and our relationship is generally more calm and respectful on both sides. I cant say I have found true serenity, but I have found a better, less stressful way of living and taken off a lot of pressure that I was putting on myself.. living with a A is stressful enough without me adding more!
best of luck with the interview
That job interview sounds wonderful, a really positive distraction and something that is just for you at a time when it is so easy to loose focus on yourself. Those issues of who moves with you are down the line a bit.
I stayed with my husband for a whole host of reasons - the usual ones of love and support, then of course there is that phase when one doesn't really realise that one can leave or take a break for oneself, and then I moved into more practical things such as not wanting to render myself homeless! I figured that I might try to learn how to live an independent life in my own home!! I have lots of hobbies that I enjoy, I plan my days around my own needs and friendships - I give just as much weight and care to meeting my own needs as I used to do when I was honouring business appointments in my diary. I don't let dramas distract me. I go and visit friends and gift myself lovely breaks from time to time. Living with AH in his early years of sobriety has not been easy, I had expectations that were probably pretty unrealistic, so that led to disappointment, but it is getting better. I think that our mutual respect is slowly becoming reestablished.
I have been studying with distance learning as well and now I am moving on to the next phase in order to get a qualification for what I hope will be a new career. So I have signed up to go to University (I love typing that, it tickles me so much to be setting off on this new adventure in my late fifties!). During term time I will be living in a different country to my husband and I suspect that won't be easy for either of us but I also feel as if we will both be able to use the time to reconnect with who we are as individuals.
You used an interesting phrase in your post - I wonder what is my 'new normal' going to be? I think I'm going to sit with that for a while, thank you for provoking my thoughts!
Good luck with the job interview, I bet you'll be fantastic and hope that you'll let us know how it goes for you.
Sending (((((hugs)))))
While I was trying to accept that and deal with the hurt, betrayal, etc. my oldest began having some issues with depression. While we were seeking help for him, he (son) began experimenting with substances. While I was trying to now fix that + the depression, more stuff happened and .....
So - every time I have considered leaving, there has been a pull to not do so. I have stayed sober (will celebrate 29 years in October), my husband has reduced his drinking greatly and both my sons have the disease. I've stayed and through Al-Anon, have a life much like milkwood above me. My husband retired a year ago, and i was truly concerned that we'd bump heads and it's been pleasantly much different than I thought. I am so grateful the program has helped me change me and allow others to walk their path as they need to.
I stayed for my vows, and because I love him. I don't just love the sober him - I love him....warts and all. He's had 2 heart attacks, 3 stents, and triple bypass surgery so his drinking has slowed greatly. He's not a miserable person (dry drunk) but he's an isolating person. I do my own thing, meetings, lunch with friends, golf, softball, etc. and he does his too. We come together for meals, baseball watching and other things as desired/needed.
I believe our mutual respect has also carried us. We never fight, and I attribute that to recovery. I just don't - if he's moody, angry or whatever - I know it's not my thing. It's his to manage/deal with and heal from.
So - I have peace and joy in my life and am still married to my AH. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but this is for today.
Trust teh process
Our finances are separate so there is no resentment or insecurity.