As a woman I feel like I am always caring and giving. I am at the age right now where every other weekend is a wedding shower or a baby shower. While I do not resent this life that I find myself in I cannot help but wonder what things would be like if I went down a different path. The last 5 years of my life I have built this relationship and invested so much of my sweat and tears. Never getting angry just taking things as they come. My AH has been sober since February 2016 and I have been selfless. I have tolerated every mood swing and irrational moment. I have attempted to not be angry when I have been put 2nd to meetings, book study or anything else that seems to be so incredibly important.
Do not misunderstand I know that all of it is vitally important to him, his life and my marriage.
He claims he does not know what caused him to stop drinking and want to be sober. I can tell you that it started in January, with me sobbing (nose running UGLY cry) in the car after a doctor appointment. He was completely run down, no sex drive, irritable, and just a shell of who he used to be. I suppose hind sight really is 20/20 but I never realized it was because of his drinking. He got refereed to an endocrinologist (hormone doctor) and after an MRI and a lot of blood work we were told there was no reason for him to have Testosterone levels as low as he did. (They were off the charts low almost prepubescent) I am sure he wasn't honest with the doctor how much he was drinking, he couldn't even be honest with himself about how much he was drinking. I was at the appointment with him and mentioned having kids....That is the moment my heart broke. Apparently when men are on Testosterone replacement they become infertile but considering how low his levels were he more than likely already was so it wouldn't make a difference.
Thank God that I held it together until we got outside and thank God for over sized sunglasses being in fashion because I lost it. I cant tell you the last time I cried as hard as that...until tonight.
My younger sister called me and merged in my mother so that "Grandma could hear Auntie find out that she is going to be an Auntie". I tried to be happy I really really did. By some stroke of luck they took my tears as tears of joy but it felt like my soul broke. Every cell in my body aches and my AH just held me. Trying to calm me down and all I wanted to do was strangle him. He kept saying "its just not your time" and it was all I could do not to tell him that this has to be an us problem because if I start assigning blame he isn't going to like to the things that come out of my mouth. AH tells me he wants kids too and that it makes him sad that we are having problems. I made him read the articles how "moderate drinking" causes a HUGE reduction in male fertility. He scoffed at the amount of alcohol they considered moderate drinking- "I used to drink that much in an hour" and laughed! I know laughter is a big thing in AA but how stupid of a man do you have to be to laugh when your wife is blowing her nose into her shirt and is crying so hard she can barely breath. He looks at me baffled as to why baby fever effects me as much as it does. I finally compared it to him and alcohol, the desire for a baby is like the obsession that could have killed him. I watched the light bulb go off, he understood but now where does that leave me?
I have no idea if his low testosterone is truly linked to his drinking and I am not even sure if I care. I have been so strong and so patient but I feel like something inside of me broke tonight. I do not know how to look at him the same way. My desire to stay married to this amazing man has never once faltered until tonight. I am unable to find a single place inside of me that is excited to become an Aunt for the first time. How will I be able to look myself in the mirror?
__________________________
The two hardest tests on the spiritual road are the patience to wait for the right moment and the courage not to be disappointed with what we encounter.
Paulo Coelho, Veronika Decides to Die
gabigail said
Aug 1, 2016
I can relate to what you are feeling and how broken you are about this disease and about the possibility of not having a child. My situation was I was unable to have a child of my own and it broke me because it was the one dream that was most important to me that would never become reality. When I think of it sometimes it still tears me up. On top of my A and the ugliness of this disease, I don't know if I would have been a good parent to bring a child into my chaotic home.
I'm glad you turned here. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it affects everyone in the family. When my awareness of this disease broke me, I started attending al-anon meetings and had a support group where others understood my pain. Right now I'm dealing with the progression of the disease with my A that they know us pretty well at the hospital. It's a good thing your A is attending AA. Attending al-anon will really help. When I attended at first, it was because of my A and I wanted her to stop drinking. But I found out that this resentment I was carrying around for years could be lessened and I am working through my own anger at this disease and the anger toward my A. My A's drinking was so bad that I feel like like I've sacrificed so much because of the drink- my career, my well-being, my finances, my home, my self-worth. Dealing with my A's lying has been hard for me, but I've learned that A's are generally not honest with themselves and hide how much they drink from those around them. This is a frustrating disease. Please attend a f2f meeting. There are two online meetings here daily and this forum. Please keep coming back.
SerenityRUS said
Aug 1, 2016
The dilemma of an alcoholic marriage is a great book to read. I did laugh at some however the overall picture of what is going on in a marriage from a spouses point of view is pretty spot on. It was definitely written in a different time in terms of women's roles.
As a suggestion I would encourage you to seriously consider what it means to raise a child/ren in with an alcoholic who has less than 7 months of recovery time. It's one thing for me to live in the chaos it is another thing to deal with the insanity of kids to the mix.
I'm a single mom of 2 with an X who has completely checked out the kids lives. Now this is something that can happen with even non addicts however it is the story more than not. Looking back what I would have done differently is make sure I could support the kids on my own without any support from my X. He pays however I am unique in which sorry .. you aren't going to be here physically you will e responsible financially and I DO force the issue. It's draining. However .. my kids have a roof and food because of it. So when I say I am a single parent .. it's all me .. their dad is NOT involved and it is pulling teeth. As they have gotten older they see and they get it. He's posting pictures of vacations in Florida and telling them that he can't assist with school supplies.
Do I regret having kids? No. I love those kids like nobodies business .. it has not made for an easy life.
So please consider and look at the realities of what raising kids with an A can be like plus being so new into sobriety he needs more time and that's just my opinion.
Hugs S :)
Iamhere said
Aug 1, 2016
Hey knit - I understand the pain - my story is different but the pain is very similar and I remember feeling so sad and at times, I just shut down. I have 2 boys and they both have this disease. Both tried their best to flunk out of high school and I did not get to see either graduate. They don't recognize my birthday, mother's day or anything I am or might have contributed to their lives and the pain of the reality took me to my knees.....literally and figuratively.
Graduation party invites still raise my pulse, and each May I have to be hyper-vigilant with my heart, mind and soul. I truly at the time thought the pain would be raw, real, perpetual and unbearable. It has gotten way, way better than I ever thought it could or would.
I can only attribute the change to working this program vigilantly and trying to practice these principles in all my affairs. I learned in this program that everybody's got something, so me comparing my insides to what others show on the outside is part of my insanity. Feeling almost jealous of what they show me was also not a real view of how God's grace works. I learned that my path is different for a reason, and I learned to use all my pain to learn, grow and be a better version of me.
Living with this disease and recovery is no picnic. There is sadness and there is real grief. I found it incredible hard to grieve for how I thought my boys' lives would be. Some days, it still comes to the front of my mind. At the end of some program processing, there are times when the only 'good' I can find is that they are still alive - as some of their choices could have resulted in them no longer being here.
So - I do fully understand. I would see happy couples, etc. and feel cheated. I had to avoid facebook for a long while, and even put away photos of my boys in my own home just to minimize my sadness and grief. Small steps, a great sponsor and this program saved me from my own mind and gave me a new reality.
Keep coming back - it really does work if we work it!
hotrod said
Aug 1, 2016
Knit, You are a young woman. Please remember that HP wants all that is good for you. I found that when I let go of the negative voices that kept telling me i was not enough and could not get my heart's desire, I was able to be in the moment and feel the joy and happiness for the success of another .
It is important to keep the focus on yourself, know what you need and want, work the Steps and more will be revealed . Asking for what I wanted was an important new tool I found when I worked the program. Keep an open mind and trust the process.
milkwood said
Aug 1, 2016
(((((Knit)))))
I hear you feeling grief so I am sending loving hugs and prayers. Perhaps that lightbulb moment, arrived at with so much pain, can help you both to start working towards what you both would like. And perhaps it will also help you both to speak honestly about your fears (and joys) as well.
I found myself relaxing slightly when my husband stopped drinking. Month by month, my feelings ebbed back and the first to arrive was sadness, and then anger. When I felt that raging anger, I though, hey, I'm actually feeling this!!! I'm having an emotion!!! I hadn't cried for years (what I wouldn't give for a good honest nose snivelling cry into somebodies shirt even now!) but I knew when I felt that anger that other emotions would follow and I would be smiling before too long. I knew that I could start using my feelings again to judge what felt right for me. I started to trust myself more. The return of my feelings, and also the return of my having expectations about what I wanted life to look like now that alcohol was out of our house, contributed to the first two years of my husband's recovery being really really tough (I imagine he made his own contributions too!). I kept forgetting that his mind and body needed to heal. I even forgot that mine did too!
Then a kind person on this site said 'more will be revealed' about something or other and I thought 'oh, that's cool, I can relax and check in on how bad/good things are in a few days/weeks/months - I don't have to solve this today. Today I will take care of me.'
You've also been through a lot I imagine, and for me recovery from that meant being kind to myself, learning how to relax and enjoy life, having a massage just for me, visiting beautiful gardens - whatever rocks your boat. I believe that we are all kind and giving people but when we are hurting it can be difficult to feel that kindness and generosity and it becomes too easy to dwell on the negatives. For this reason I stopped being self-less. It was 100% selfish of me and I'm proud of that. You see I liked myself better when I can be genuinely kind to others and looking after myself seemed to me to be in everyone's best interests. I think that feeling relaxed and healthy can also help with conception although I am not an expert since I do not have children. I do have three nephews and am also a Great-Aunt (somehow CAPS seem obligatory for that title!) I believe this status gives me license to indulge in oversized handbags and any other sartorially challenging eccentricities that take my fancy!
-- Edited by milkwood on Monday 1st of August 2016 10:58:36 AM
Kcsnooze said
Aug 1, 2016
knit2thepoint what a beautiful and honest share. I understand where you are and how you feel. My husband also has very low testosterone, can't take treatments (as they caused a blood clot on the brain) and has no sex drive. I am in my final years of fertility and I don't think having children will happen for me. (I am a stepmom, grandmother and raised two of my nephews). I also held off for many years for many reasons and so I can't put it all on him.
I understand the resentment that you feel. Two of my biggest reasons for not having children earlier, were (1) my mother was an alcoholic and I didn't know if I truly knew how to mother; and (2) I didn't want to raise a child in an alcoholic home (I have an AH). I also married a man who is 13 years older than me and inherited a step-daughter. She had my granddaughter when I was 30 years old (right after I told my husband I was ready to get pregnant). She and he feared that me having a baby so close in time to me having a granddaughter would take away the attention. So, I waited.
Truth is, I can come up with 100 reasons why he was to blame, but deep down I wasn't ready. Now that I am in my very early 40's, I think about how old my child would have been, whether I have missed out on a huge part of life, etc. But I also have been a mom in every other sense of the word.
I would ask that you treat and judge yourself so much more kindly. You are not a bad aunt because you feel pain about your situation. You simply are feeling and you will need to dive deeply into those feelings, feel them and be able to heal.
Don't give up on your dream of motherhood. Its okay to give you and your husband time for recovery. Many recovering alcoholics have made great parents.
knit2thepoint said
Aug 1, 2016
Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I will admit that last night was a low point for me but I am still glad that I posted this. It was like my soul was the one typing, moving my fingers without me actually thinking about what I was saying. I guess I fell victim to the idea that when I was ready to have a baby I could just stop taking Birth control and get pregnant, that I was in control...what was I thinking?! Kids used to be a deal breaker when I was dating, more than one budding romance ended when our goals did not align.
I guess the part that I am struggling with the most is that infertility is something I always thought to be a woman's problem. That it would mean rounds of hormone injections and invasive exams but that it would be worth it to finally hold my child. No obstacle would have stood in my way but I have no control over how much we put ourselves through. It is my husband who has to hand his body over to science and to trust that it wont be in vain. Every cell in my body burns with the desire to have a baby but now I realize that its not just A baby that I want its HIS baby.
I know that I have to hand this over and trust that there is a bigger plan. Perhaps this is to remind me that my husband is capable of putting "us" first and not just himself. I am old enough to know that I am ready to be a mother and young enough that I could start over, try again to find what I have always wanted. Yet after everything how do I just walk away? I feel like I am in the ocean, being pummeled by waves and every time I finally find the surface for air another wave breaks forcing me back under.
milkwood said
Aug 2, 2016
Hello Knit, (((Hugs))))
What a lovely thing to say - that you are ready to be a mother, sounds beautiful. Have you told your husband that it is his baby that you would like to carry when you are both ready?
My husband is just approaching three years sober - the first eighteen months were pretty tough and intimacy wasn't really on the agenda. I get the impression that you two do manage to communicate though. I have know people who have divorced because one partner wanted children and they couldn't manage it together and I have known folks who have stressed out going through IVF, failed at that and when they gave up trying twins arrived. We can only take the next right step.
What are those waves that are pummelling you? Where are they coming from? I am likening them to when I was feeling anxious all day and every day. I couldn't think straight and the physical toll showed as well. I found that meditation helped me to calm down and in a very short time I could look at the questions that I was asking myself and what fears were clouding my thinking. My answers seemed to simply float to the surface and often they were much simpler than I had thought. Breath. repeat. (((((more hugs)))))
knit2thepoint said
Aug 2, 2016
I feel like the waves are just life. Its constantly one thing after another, I realize that is what life is but lately I have just been tired. Surprisingly none are directly caused by my AH. My father has a progressive disease that will eventually take his life and its moving faster than average, my Aunt has early onset dementia and at 57 no longer knows her family, and the list goes on. As soon as I get my footing it just seems like my phone rings again with something else. I know that the 3 Cs apply but each time I have to accept a new truth it gets more difficult.
You are correct that my AH and I still talk. Even when he was drinking we still had the ability to have an honest conversation. Well actually I was honest, he most likely was not but it seemed to work for us. From the very beginning I told him I don't play games and that if something was wrong I would speak up. I really believe that having that dynamic from day one helped preserve our relationship.
My AH knows my feelings about motherhood, we discussed them at length back in January. He said then that no matter what he has to do I will be a mother. I looked at anonymous donors and it feels so wrong, its like online shopping + online dating but with pictures of men as little boys. It was incredibly strange and not something that I am prepared for. I had a long discussion with my AH yesterday (actually I wrote it in an email I am better with words on paper usually) and I laid it all out for him. He agreed and we contacted his doctor last night to see about him stopping the hormones to see if his body can recover. I am in the medical field and I have found studies that show testosterone production can return after a period of sobriety so we will just have to give his body some time to see what happens.
I know that having children with an alcoholic is a gamble but I accepted a very long time ago I married a drinker and ultimately an alcoholic. I still wake up in the morning and choose marriage so I refuse to compromise my needs and wants to accommodate his disease. I grew up in a dysfunctional household with untreated mental illness so detaching was something I learned early on. Unlike my Mother and Sister I never became very good at enabling. I would just tell everyone to grow up and come find me when they pulled the bug out of their @$$. It caused a lot of fights but I am still Daddy's little girl so I must have done something right. That being said I decided to go back to school when my AH got sober and I have an amazing career that could more than support myself and any children. Regardless of what happens with my AH I know that i will be okay.
Thank you all so so so much. The warmth and acceptance have been such a blessing. I am so glad I found this board.
milkwood said
Aug 2, 2016
I'm pleased you found us too Knit! I hope you have a relaxing evening. ((((hugs)))))
As a woman I feel like I am always caring and giving. I am at the age right now where every other weekend is a wedding shower or a baby shower. While I do not resent this life that I find myself in I cannot help but wonder what things would be like if I went down a different path. The last 5 years of my life I have built this relationship and invested so much of my sweat and tears. Never getting angry just taking things as they come. My AH has been sober since February 2016 and I have been selfless. I have tolerated every mood swing and irrational moment. I have attempted to not be angry when I have been put 2nd to meetings, book study or anything else that seems to be so incredibly important.
Do not misunderstand I know that all of it is vitally important to him, his life and my marriage.
He claims he does not know what caused him to stop drinking and want to be sober. I can tell you that it started in January, with me sobbing (nose running UGLY cry) in the car after a doctor appointment. He was completely run down, no sex drive, irritable, and just a shell of who he used to be. I suppose hind sight really is 20/20 but I never realized it was because of his drinking. He got refereed to an endocrinologist (hormone doctor) and after an MRI and a lot of blood work we were told there was no reason for him to have Testosterone levels as low as he did. (They were off the charts low almost prepubescent) I am sure he wasn't honest with the doctor how much he was drinking, he couldn't even be honest with himself about how much he was drinking. I was at the appointment with him and mentioned having kids....That is the moment my heart broke. Apparently when men are on Testosterone replacement they become infertile but considering how low his levels were he more than likely already was so it wouldn't make a difference.
Thank God that I held it together until we got outside and thank God for over sized sunglasses being in fashion because I lost it. I cant tell you the last time I cried as hard as that...until tonight.
My younger sister called me and merged in my mother so that "Grandma could hear Auntie find out that she is going to be an Auntie". I tried to be happy I really really did. By some stroke of luck they took my tears as tears of joy but it felt like my soul broke. Every cell in my body aches and my AH just held me. Trying to calm me down and all I wanted to do was strangle him. He kept saying "its just not your time" and it was all I could do not to tell him that this has to be an us problem because if I start assigning blame he isn't going to like to the things that come out of my mouth. AH tells me he wants kids too and that it makes him sad that we are having problems. I made him read the articles how "moderate drinking" causes a HUGE reduction in male fertility. He scoffed at the amount of alcohol they considered moderate drinking- "I used to drink that much in an hour" and laughed! I know laughter is a big thing in AA but how stupid of a man do you have to be to laugh when your wife is blowing her nose into her shirt and is crying so hard she can barely breath. He looks at me baffled as to why baby fever effects me as much as it does. I finally compared it to him and alcohol, the desire for a baby is like the obsession that could have killed him. I watched the light bulb go off, he understood but now where does that leave me?
I have no idea if his low testosterone is truly linked to his drinking and I am not even sure if I care. I have been so strong and so patient but I feel like something inside of me broke tonight. I do not know how to look at him the same way. My desire to stay married to this amazing man has never once faltered until tonight. I am unable to find a single place inside of me that is excited to become an Aunt for the first time. How will I be able to look myself in the mirror?
__________________________
The two hardest tests on the spiritual road are the patience to wait for the right moment and the courage not to be disappointed with what we encounter.
Paulo Coelho, Veronika Decides to Die
I'm glad you turned here. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it affects everyone in the family. When my awareness of this disease broke me, I started attending al-anon meetings and had a support group where others understood my pain. Right now I'm dealing with the progression of the disease with my A that they know us pretty well at the hospital. It's a good thing your A is attending AA. Attending al-anon will really help. When I attended at first, it was because of my A and I wanted her to stop drinking. But I found out that this resentment I was carrying around for years could be lessened and I am working through my own anger at this disease and the anger toward my A. My A's drinking was so bad that I feel like like I've sacrificed so much because of the drink- my career, my well-being, my finances, my home, my self-worth. Dealing with my A's lying has been hard for me, but I've learned that A's are generally not honest with themselves and hide how much they drink from those around them. This is a frustrating disease. Please attend a f2f meeting. There are two online meetings here daily and this forum. Please keep coming back.
As a suggestion I would encourage you to seriously consider what it means to raise a child/ren in with an alcoholic who has less than 7 months of recovery time. It's one thing for me to live in the chaos it is another thing to deal with the insanity of kids to the mix.
I'm a single mom of 2 with an X who has completely checked out the kids lives. Now this is something that can happen with even non addicts however it is the story more than not. Looking back what I would have done differently is make sure I could support the kids on my own without any support from my X. He pays however I am unique in which sorry .. you aren't going to be here physically you will e responsible financially and I DO force the issue. It's draining. However .. my kids have a roof and food because of it. So when I say I am a single parent .. it's all me .. their dad is NOT involved and it is pulling teeth. As they have gotten older they see and they get it. He's posting pictures of vacations in Florida and telling them that he can't assist with school supplies.
Do I regret having kids? No. I love those kids like nobodies business .. it has not made for an easy life.
So please consider and look at the realities of what raising kids with an A can be like plus being so new into sobriety he needs more time and that's just my opinion.
Hugs S :)
Graduation party invites still raise my pulse, and each May I have to be hyper-vigilant with my heart, mind and soul. I truly at the time thought the pain would be raw, real, perpetual and unbearable. It has gotten way, way better than I ever thought it could or would.
I can only attribute the change to working this program vigilantly and trying to practice these principles in all my affairs. I learned in this program that everybody's got something, so me comparing my insides to what others show on the outside is part of my insanity. Feeling almost jealous of what they show me was also not a real view of how God's grace works. I learned that my path is different for a reason, and I learned to use all my pain to learn, grow and be a better version of me.
Living with this disease and recovery is no picnic. There is sadness and there is real grief. I found it incredible hard to grieve for how I thought my boys' lives would be. Some days, it still comes to the front of my mind. At the end of some program processing, there are times when the only 'good' I can find is that they are still alive - as some of their choices could have resulted in them no longer being here.
So - I do fully understand. I would see happy couples, etc. and feel cheated. I had to avoid facebook for a long while, and even put away photos of my boys in my own home just to minimize my sadness and grief. Small steps, a great sponsor and this program saved me from my own mind and gave me a new reality.
Keep coming back - it really does work if we work it!
Knit, You are a young woman. Please remember that HP wants all that is good for you. I found that when I let go of the negative voices that kept telling me i was not enough and could not get my heart's desire, I was able to be in the moment and feel the joy and happiness for the success of another .
It is important to keep the focus on yourself, know what you need and want, work the Steps and more will be revealed . Asking for what I wanted was an important new tool I found when I worked the program. Keep an open mind and trust the process.
(((((Knit)))))
I hear you feeling grief so I am sending loving hugs and prayers. Perhaps that lightbulb moment, arrived at with so much pain, can help you both to start working towards what you both would like. And perhaps it will also help you both to speak honestly about your fears (and joys) as well.
I found myself relaxing slightly when my husband stopped drinking. Month by month, my feelings ebbed back and the first to arrive was sadness, and then anger. When I felt that raging anger, I though, hey, I'm actually feeling this!!! I'm having an emotion!!! I hadn't cried for years (what I wouldn't give for a good honest nose snivelling cry into somebodies shirt even now!) but I knew when I felt that anger that other emotions would follow and I would be smiling before too long. I knew that I could start using my feelings again to judge what felt right for me. I started to trust myself more. The return of my feelings, and also the return of my having expectations about what I wanted life to look like now that alcohol was out of our house, contributed to the first two years of my husband's recovery being really really tough (I imagine he made his own contributions too!). I kept forgetting that his mind and body needed to heal. I even forgot that mine did too!
Then a kind person on this site said 'more will be revealed' about something or other and I thought 'oh, that's cool, I can relax and check in on how bad/good things are in a few days/weeks/months - I don't have to solve this today. Today I will take care of me.'
You've also been through a lot I imagine, and for me recovery from that meant being kind to myself, learning how to relax and enjoy life, having a massage just for me, visiting beautiful gardens - whatever rocks your boat. I believe that we are all kind and giving people but when we are hurting it can be difficult to feel that kindness and generosity and it becomes too easy to dwell on the negatives. For this reason I stopped being self-less. It was 100% selfish of me and I'm proud of that. You see I liked myself better when I can be genuinely kind to others and looking after myself seemed to me to be in everyone's best interests. I think that feeling relaxed and healthy can also help with conception although I am not an expert since
I do not have children. I do have three nephews and am also a Great-Aunt (somehow CAPS seem obligatory for that title!) I believe this status gives me license to indulge in oversized handbags and any other sartorially challenging eccentricities that take my fancy!
-- Edited by milkwood on Monday 1st of August 2016 10:58:36 AM
knit2thepoint what a beautiful and honest share. I understand where you are and how you feel. My husband also has very low testosterone, can't take treatments (as they caused a blood clot on the brain) and has no sex drive. I am in my final years of fertility and I don't think having children will happen for me. (I am a stepmom, grandmother and raised two of my nephews). I also held off for many years for many reasons and so I can't put it all on him.
I understand the resentment that you feel. Two of my biggest reasons for not having children earlier, were (1) my mother was an alcoholic and I didn't know if I truly knew how to mother; and (2) I didn't want to raise a child in an alcoholic home (I have an AH). I also married a man who is 13 years older than me and inherited a step-daughter. She had my granddaughter when I was 30 years old (right after I told my husband I was ready to get pregnant). She and he feared that me having a baby so close in time to me having a granddaughter would take away the attention. So, I waited.
Truth is, I can come up with 100 reasons why he was to blame, but deep down I wasn't ready. Now that I am in my very early 40's, I think about how old my child would have been, whether I have missed out on a huge part of life, etc. But I also have been a mom in every other sense of the word.
I would ask that you treat and judge yourself so much more kindly. You are not a bad aunt because you feel pain about your situation. You simply are feeling and you will need to dive deeply into those feelings, feel them and be able to heal.
Don't give up on your dream of motherhood. Its okay to give you and your husband time for recovery. Many recovering alcoholics have made great parents.
Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I will admit that last night was a low point for me but I am still glad that I posted this. It was like my soul was the one typing, moving my fingers without me actually thinking about what I was saying. I guess I fell victim to the idea that when I was ready to have a baby I could just stop taking Birth control and get pregnant, that I was in control...what was I thinking?! Kids used to be a deal breaker when I was dating, more than one budding romance ended when our goals did not align.
I guess the part that I am struggling with the most is that infertility is something I always thought to be a woman's problem. That it would mean rounds of hormone injections and invasive exams but that it would be worth it to finally hold my child. No obstacle would have stood in my way but I have no control over how much we put ourselves through. It is my husband who has to hand his body over to science and to trust that it wont be in vain. Every cell in my body burns with the desire to have a baby but now I realize that its not just A baby that I want its HIS baby.
I know that I have to hand this over and trust that there is a bigger plan. Perhaps this is to remind me that my husband is capable of putting "us" first and not just himself. I am old enough to know that I am ready to be a mother and young enough that I could start over, try again to find what I have always wanted. Yet after everything how do I just walk away? I feel like I am in the ocean, being pummeled by waves and every time I finally find the surface for air another wave breaks forcing me back under.
What a lovely thing to say - that you are ready to be a mother, sounds beautiful. Have you told your husband that it is his baby that you would like to carry when you are both ready?
My husband is just approaching three years sober - the first eighteen months were pretty tough and intimacy wasn't really on the agenda. I get the impression that you two do manage to communicate though. I have know people who have divorced because one partner wanted children and they couldn't manage it together and I have known folks who have stressed out going through IVF, failed at that and when they gave up trying twins arrived. We can only take the next right step.
What are those waves that are pummelling you? Where are they coming from? I am likening them to when I was feeling anxious all day and every day. I couldn't think straight and the physical toll showed as well. I found that meditation helped me to calm down and in a very short time I could look at the questions that I was asking myself and what fears were clouding my thinking. My answers seemed to simply float to the surface and often they were much simpler than I had thought. Breath. repeat. (((((more hugs)))))
I feel like the waves are just life. Its constantly one thing after another, I realize that is what life is but lately I have just been tired. Surprisingly none are directly caused by my AH. My father has a progressive disease that will eventually take his life and its moving faster than average, my Aunt has early onset dementia and at 57 no longer knows her family, and the list goes on. As soon as I get my footing it just seems like my phone rings again with something else. I know that the 3 Cs apply but each time I have to accept a new truth it gets more difficult.
You are correct that my AH and I still talk. Even when he was drinking we still had the ability to have an honest conversation. Well actually I was honest, he most likely was not but it seemed to work for us. From the very beginning I told him I don't play games and that if something was wrong I would speak up. I really believe that having that dynamic from day one helped preserve our relationship.
My AH knows my feelings about motherhood, we discussed them at length back in January. He said then that no matter what he has to do I will be a mother. I looked at anonymous donors and it feels so wrong, its like online shopping + online dating but with pictures of men as little boys. It was incredibly strange and not something that I am prepared for. I had a long discussion with my AH yesterday (actually I wrote it in an email I am better with words on paper usually) and I laid it all out for him. He agreed and we contacted his doctor last night to see about him stopping the hormones to see if his body can recover. I am in the medical field and I have found studies that show testosterone production can return after a period of sobriety so we will just have to give his body some time to see what happens.
I know that having children with an alcoholic is a gamble but I accepted a very long time ago I married a drinker and ultimately an alcoholic. I still wake up in the morning and choose marriage so I refuse to compromise my needs and wants to accommodate his disease. I grew up in a dysfunctional household with untreated mental illness so detaching was something I learned early on. Unlike my Mother and Sister I never became very good at enabling. I would just tell everyone to grow up and come find me when they pulled the bug out of their @$$. It caused a lot of fights but I am still Daddy's little girl so I must have done something right. That being said I decided to go back to school when my AH got sober and I have an amazing career that could more than support myself and any children. Regardless of what happens with my AH I know that i will be okay.
Thank you all so so so much. The warmth and acceptance have been such a blessing. I am so glad I found this board.