I am so lost, confused, guilty, and other emotions I can't describe right now. As many of you know my spouse and I took a "break" this last week and I have been on a meeting marathon working on myself. I had been overwhelmed with the caregiving aspect and not taking care of me. So, now my spouse ended up in the hospital again. This time they think it's pneumonia, but then the nurse said something with the kidneys tonight. I'm scared. She's lost hope. She feels her body is shutting down and that she has no support (me). And I feel awful. I think this was from over a week ago getting out of the hospital and they didn't take care of everything or pinpoint the problem. Her insurance ends today, and her former boss is not cooperating with his end of things/ monies promised. I want to start a GoFundMe account but I dont think she'd be ok with that. I don't see how we can't. She's now looking at the circumstances and seeing she's lost everything, and thinking she's lost me. I can't convince her otherwise. I've tried for a week. She kept telling me she's clear thinking but now I'm certain she's been sick and not so clear.
Anyone out there dealing with a sick A in and out of the hospital, and sober? I hope when she quit it wasn't too late. And I don't want to lose my serenity I've gained back by taking care of her when she gets out, and the bills...its well into the thousands and I make $1 above minimum wage, but bring in extra with side jobs to cover the existing bills. I had an interview last week but won't find out until the end of this week. That won't start for another month, though. That's my chaos right now. Clinging to my HP and support from my f2f and online family. Thanks so much!
Iamhere said
Jul 31, 2016
(((gabigail))) - I don't have any experience dealing with a sick A or caretaking a sick A. I am sorry for all that you are going through and sending positive thoughts and prayers for you both.
Breathe and try to take things one moment at a time....we're here for you - just a post away!
gabigail said
Jul 31, 2016
Thank you...that means the world to me right now.
Iamhere said
Aug 1, 2016
I'm still sending you positive thoughts and prayers my friend! One breathe, one moment at a time!
Freetime said
Aug 1, 2016
Gabigail, I have experienced being with a sick alcoholic in and out of hospital. It is extremely difficult, and my heart goes out to you. This is the time to take care of yourself and not try to do all this alone.
Keep in mind that a very sick person -- alcoholic or not -- is in pain and what they say reflects that. It's not personal, it's their pain {physical and/or emotional). It's like a dog or cat, who never growled at you before, but does so when they are sick or injured.
What I learned when I was in this situation -- thanks to wise advice from my Alanon sponsor -- was to differentiate those things that I had to do and those where others could do them. I learned I did not have to stay at the hospital with the sick person, but could take some time for myself, and the doctors could call me if they needed to. I learned to find and accept help from others. I did not have to do all the caregiving myself ... it would have devastated my physical and mental health. Some financial worries I had did not actually come to pass.
Take care of yourself, reach out, you are not alone.
pinkchip said
Aug 1, 2016
Gabi...she may have clinical depression on top of all this. That is a lot for a newly sober person to go through. Let professionals do their jobs and keep up what you have been doing in alanon. Sounds like your qualifier may wind up qualifying for medicaid/disability. Maybe ask to talk to a social worker at the hospital?
gabigail said
Aug 1, 2016
Thank you, free time...I've been worried that no one has been visiting. Now that this is her third stay in 2 months, people aren't coming by as often. I do have a mutual friend who has taken care of the "bring this in for me" requests. That's helped me go to work and come home to breathe and not rush around.
Pinkchip- that's a great idea about talking to a social worker. I'll look into that tomorrow. She is looking into disability and I did tell her about Medicare. She seemed much more upbeat today. I know this is so hard on her, as everything is crashing down on her at once. Plus she's beating herself up because "she did this to herself." (Her words). She desperately needs to go to AA. If she can stay out of the hospital long enough....sigh.
Thank you all.
el-cee said
Aug 4, 2016
Gabigail, thats a lot for one person to cope with. Im not too sure but cant AA come to her? It seems to me like a program of giving to keep it, same as us. Im imagine there will be members more than willing to go talk to her and visit with her. Also, who better to really understand where she is right now than those who have walked the same road? Please lean on those that can support you at Alanon, use the phone numbers.x
Mattie said
Aug 4, 2016
I'm sorry this is happening. Remember that you are not on the hook for solving all her problems. Really. You're not. I imagine most of them are consequences, however delayed, of her addiction and dysfunction - and should be further reminders to her of the price she pays for those decisions. A price that should make her work as hard as she can never to go back to those ways.
I also wonder if your A is someone who likes drama. Insisting that you are going to leave even though you say you're not - well, I'm reminded of the saying 'Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.' Some people only like it if they're the center of the suffering. 'Everybody leaves me!' Well, if she doesn't want you to leave, she could dial down the self-absorbed conspicuous suffering. I guess I probably sound harsh, but maybe you can tell that I've dealt with someone like this at great length.
I think in times of great intensity like this, things like bills can wait till later. No need to take on every possible problem at the same time. And they are not yours to solve. It is up to her to figure out, in good time, what to do about the bills. Maybe bankruptcy. But all of this is taking away from your concentration on taking care of yourself, which is the most essential thing of all. Hang in there.
gabigail said
Aug 6, 2016
Hi everyone. There's a lot of great information. I will look into more of this. My A got out of the hospital last week, only to go back in today. She has full-blown pneumonia. I have been very busy working, interviewing, and going to meetings. She did talk to a financial advisor at the hospital. She was looking into applying for disability.
I was talking to my sister tonight about this whole breakdown of communication/separation/stating I told her to leave. She thinks that she might be doing another bit of her gas lighting, which she has done many times in the past. The reason she thinks this is because the story kept changing and she said "Now that I'm not drinking I remember everything." However, she lost the keys to my car and I can't find them anywhere. Since I was rehashing the conversation over and over in my head, I still can't recall what she said I said and have concluded it was only to confuse me. Either that or she's projecting her feelings onto me.
With staying at a friend's, with her back in the hospital he called off work and changed plans. I thought, why? And I see so much of me in what he did. I would do that all the time. Is it more of a possibility that maybe since I haven't been enabling her that she found another enabler? Am I making myself crazy trying to come up with an answer? Probably. However, the last couple of weeks I have been working on myself. I've been far less reactive, feel calmer and handle my problems one at a time (first things first). So far the program is working, yet I haven't had my A at home. That will be the true test.
One more thing- about the dog. Maybe I should just let it play itself out? She wanted the dog. She checked out and I was expected to take care of it, train it, etc. and I don't know what I'm doing. All I know is she's telling me I'm doing it wrong. Ok. So, when working on the dog to not Yelp obnoxiously, just let the dog go crazy, the neighbors will call the city (and they will) and when the dog is taken away and she has not registered the dog, that's the consequence?! Especially since I've told her numerous times that this could happen? Am I just doing what I normally do and protecting her (more really the dog, though) from losing the dog?
missmeliss said
Aug 6, 2016
Just a thought, sorry if it's off, but, since you haven't chosen to have a dog and your partner isn't capable of taking care of it, many shelters and animal welfare groups offer foster-care when the animals owner is incapacitated. You could negotiate for this to happen and negotiate an amount of time, say 3 months or something, where the dog is still "hers" but someone else cares for it while she is unable. I don't believe you would need to provide any kind of excuse and could simply say "I don't really enjoy dogs" or 'I work and don't have time" etc. It isn't the same as giving the dog up as you would have to be involved in any further decisions. Here, it doesn't cost anything but you are "expected' to make a donation to cover food etc.
I reckon if you spent an afternoon on facebook researching local animal welfare groups you might find a good resolution that takes the pressure off you.
Just a thought; I know that isn't the sum of your difficulties but it sounds like caring for her dog is a bit above and beyond, given the circumstances.
Hugs.
I am so lost, confused, guilty, and other emotions I can't describe right now. As many of you know my spouse and I took a "break" this last week and I have been on a meeting marathon working on myself. I had been overwhelmed with the caregiving aspect and not taking care of me. So, now my spouse ended up in the hospital again. This time they think it's pneumonia, but then the nurse said something with the kidneys tonight. I'm scared. She's lost hope. She feels her body is shutting down and that she has no support (me). And I feel awful. I think this was from over a week ago getting out of the hospital and they didn't take care of everything or pinpoint the problem. Her insurance ends today, and her former boss is not cooperating with his end of things/ monies promised. I want to start a GoFundMe account but I dont think she'd be ok with that. I don't see how we can't. She's now looking at the circumstances and seeing she's lost everything, and thinking she's lost me. I can't convince her otherwise. I've tried for a week. She kept telling me she's clear thinking but now I'm certain she's been sick and not so clear.
Anyone out there dealing with a sick A in and out of the hospital, and sober? I hope when she quit it wasn't too late. And I don't want to lose my serenity I've gained back by taking care of her when she gets out, and the bills...its well into the thousands and I make $1 above minimum wage, but bring in extra with side jobs to cover the existing bills. I had an interview last week but won't find out until the end of this week. That won't start for another month, though. That's my chaos right now. Clinging to my HP and support from my f2f and online family. Thanks so much!
Breathe and try to take things one moment at a time....we're here for you - just a post away!
Gabigail, I have experienced being with a sick alcoholic in and out of hospital. It is extremely difficult, and my heart goes out to you. This is the time to take care of yourself and not try to do all this alone.
Keep in mind that a very sick person -- alcoholic or not -- is in pain and what they say reflects that. It's not personal, it's their pain {physical and/or emotional). It's like a dog or cat, who never growled at you before, but does so when they are sick or injured.
What I learned when I was in this situation -- thanks to wise advice from my Alanon sponsor -- was to differentiate those things that I had to do and those where others could do them. I learned I did not have to stay at the hospital with the sick person, but could take some time for myself, and the doctors could call me if they needed to. I learned to find and accept help from others. I did not have to do all the caregiving myself ... it would have devastated my physical and mental health. Some financial worries I had did not actually come to pass.
Take care of yourself, reach out, you are not alone.
Pinkchip- that's a great idea about talking to a social worker. I'll look into that tomorrow. She is looking into disability and I did tell her about Medicare. She seemed much more upbeat today. I know this is so hard on her, as everything is crashing down on her at once. Plus she's beating herself up because "she did this to herself." (Her words). She desperately needs to go to AA. If she can stay out of the hospital long enough....sigh.
Thank you all.
I'm sorry this is happening. Remember that you are not on the hook for solving all her problems. Really. You're not. I imagine most of them are consequences, however delayed, of her addiction and dysfunction - and should be further reminders to her of the price she pays for those decisions. A price that should make her work as hard as she can never to go back to those ways.
I also wonder if your A is someone who likes drama. Insisting that you are going to leave even though you say you're not - well, I'm reminded of the saying 'Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.' Some people only like it if they're the center of the suffering. 'Everybody leaves me!' Well, if she doesn't want you to leave, she could dial down the self-absorbed conspicuous suffering. I guess I probably sound harsh, but maybe you can tell that I've dealt with someone like this at great length.
I think in times of great intensity like this, things like bills can wait till later. No need to take on every possible problem at the same time. And they are not yours to solve. It is up to her to figure out, in good time, what to do about the bills. Maybe bankruptcy. But all of this is taking away from your concentration on taking care of yourself, which is the most essential thing of all. Hang in there.
I was talking to my sister tonight about this whole breakdown of communication/separation/stating I told her to leave. She thinks that she might be doing another bit of her gas lighting, which she has done many times in the past. The reason she thinks this is because the story kept changing and she said "Now that I'm not drinking I remember everything." However, she lost the keys to my car and I can't find them anywhere. Since I was rehashing the conversation over and over in my head, I still can't recall what she said I said and have concluded it was only to confuse me. Either that or she's projecting her feelings onto me.
With staying at a friend's, with her back in the hospital he called off work and changed plans. I thought, why? And I see so much of me in what he did. I would do that all the time. Is it more of a possibility that maybe since I haven't been enabling her that she found another enabler? Am I making myself crazy trying to come up with an answer? Probably. However, the last couple of weeks I have been working on myself. I've been far less reactive, feel calmer and handle my problems one at a time (first things first). So far the program is working, yet I haven't had my A at home. That will be the true test.
One more thing- about the dog. Maybe I should just let it play itself out? She wanted the dog. She checked out and I was expected to take care of it, train it, etc. and I don't know what I'm doing. All I know is she's telling me I'm doing it wrong. Ok. So, when working on the dog to not Yelp obnoxiously, just let the dog go crazy, the neighbors will call the city (and they will) and when the dog is taken away and she has not registered the dog, that's the consequence?! Especially since I've told her numerous times that this could happen? Am I just doing what I normally do and protecting her (more really the dog, though) from losing the dog?
I reckon if you spent an afternoon on facebook researching local animal welfare groups you might find a good resolution that takes the pressure off you.
Just a thought; I know that isn't the sum of your difficulties but it sounds like caring for her dog is a bit above and beyond, given the circumstances.
Hugs.