I just hit a point with my AH in which I suggested divorce. We have not even been married a year. The truth is, the last thing I want is a divorce. I want him to get better! To try! To think of anyone besides himself. I want my best friend. :(
He started this "plan" three weeks ago that he swore up and down would help him. (I know the cycle by now. I know it wouldn't last or work permanently , hell, even more than a month. But I'm not going to tell him that at this point) anyways. The plan was that he would go two weeks, including the weekend, without drinking. And then on the second weekend he could "let loose". Fine. I can't stop him, let him try. Well he did great the first two weeks as planned. I even told him over and over how nice it was spending quality time with him. How proud I was of him and how much less stress I felt coming home to him sober. Then the second weekend rolls around. It's about what I expected. A wasted husband justifying his actions because he went two weeks without a drink and he earned it. Then Monday comes. He starts over. Does well until Friday. I get home and he's drank an entire extra large bottle of wine. The big ones that are really like bulk bottles that fit three regular bottles in one. The whole thing. Plus as I found out later, vodka as well.
My good friend calls me and wants to go out. Naturally my husband wants to go too. Naturally the promises he won't drink anymore that night while we are out. And naturally I don't believe a bit of it. The night basically ends with him passing out face down at our restaurant table. I couldn't have been more humiliated in front of my friend. Once we wake him up more embarrassment happens on the way back to the car. The night ends with me and my girlfriend lifting my husband up off the floor and into bed. All dead weight.
Anyways. Tonight he decided to change his "plan" and declares going two weeks without drinking is just too hard. He says there is no way I will ever change his mind of this and that the weekends are his time to again, "let loose" to "have fun". I work about 50 hours on average during the week. I look forward to seeing my husband and getting to spend time with him on the weekends. Ive busted my ass at work to finally have weekends off to be with him. Partly because he says he gets bored and depressed on the weekends without me there and blamed his drinking on that......
So here we are. I refuse to live my life working all week just to come home to a hurtful, embarrassing, mean husband my days off. He is an amazing man sober. My best friend. Everything. I miss him so much. I can't live with this other person he becomes anymore. There's no compromise. No discussion. No AA. No getting help. "it doesn't work" "I don't need it" "I'll be miserable without alcohol". So I'm left being miserable too......
I'm almost 30. I have no children. A part of me doesn't want to bring children into a life like this. My family doesn't believe in divorce. I used to not either. We've been having this same fight for six years and nothing ever changes. I feel like I'm gong crazy. Divorced after ten months?
Does anyone have advise.....I'm sorry for the novel, but my AH passed out on me halfway through our discussion and I'm just infuriated. And hurt. And lost. I want to have a family. I'm scared that if I leave I won't get that chance. But I also truly don't want to leave. I just want to be happy. To have a spouse that tries..... I don't want to throw away my life either....
Jerry F said
Jul 31, 2016
Aloha Sara T and welcome to the board. Gosh I wish this wasn't happening to you also however it is and you've found us. First miracle. You are married to two men...one the one you love and like being around and the other your alcoholic who is never going to be able to provide the mental, emotional and spiritual partnership a couple needs to have for a successful marriage. I learn this myself after coming to the Al-Anon Family Groups being married to my second alcoholic addict and having had several other same relationships.
My then sponsor told me one evening after a meeting "When you find out you have made a mistake, go back and correct it". I was able to do that shortly afterward and then let the program become a big part of my life. I can only imagine (with some experiences of my own) how sick and tired you feel. I hope you stick around and join us here on the board and also in the rooms of the face to face meetings. ((((hugs)))) and prayers.
hotrod said
Jul 31, 2016
Welcome Sara I agree with Jerry completely. Alanon provided me with constructive tools to live by as I worked at accepting that alcoholism is a a chronic , incurable disease over which I was powerless.
It is suggested that we make no major changes unitl we are in program for at least a year and that is because we need to be comfortable with our choices.Alanon wil provide great insight into solving the Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage-- A great alanon book by the way.
You are not alone so please do keep coming back . There is hope
Doingmybest said
Jul 31, 2016
I can understand your frustration and your pain and I can hear in your words how desperately you are reaching out for help. If there were a way to impart true wisdom on this, I would send it on immediately, but sadly each of us must make our own path and must make our own decisions. You do have the power here, though it often feels like All of our efforts to control are failing and we simply cannot "fix it" anymore. Your power is in helping yourself, not in controlling the drinking or thinking of someone else...no matter how much you love them or they love you.
AlAnon says we must admit we are powerless and I am in no way arguing against that sentiment. We are powerless over alcohol, over other people's actions, over other people's decisions, over everything but ourselves and how we act, how we think, and what we decide is right for us on every level. We have this power because there is a power greater than us which/who can restore us to sanity. This higher power (you get to choose your higher power) will lead you to the answers you seek. All you have to do is ask and be willing to really listen and follow the AlAnon program.
I used to think I could find answers on how to fix my RAH (recovering alcoholic husband). I tried literally everything until I gave up on him and made the decision to save myself. That decision changed my life because it meant I surrendered my will to my higher power and gave up trying to "bargain", "fix", control, or change my RAH and everyone but me. This is when my power came back and honestly when he decided to get help for himself. I can't promise your A will do the same because many don't, but many do when they have to face their own consequences and don't like that responsibility.
All the years of begging, threatening divorce or separation (on both our parts), controlling, manipulating, and demanding my way never got me anywhere. I was simply labeled as a controlling, bit..ing, angry, jealous, and mean person, who nobody liked or wanted to be around. There was a lot of truth to that because I didn't even like myself.
After relinquishing my will, AlAnon helped me to see things in a different way. I try my hardest to not complain, to do things because I want not (not because I am expected to), to immediately make amends when I have done wrong, and to no longer say I am sorry when I have not committed any wrong. I also try very very hard to stay in my own hula hoop. This means minding my own business unless asked specifically to "help" and even then not taking over unless asked to do so.
I give this ESH because we each have many choices, though they are often very difficult to see. AlAnon readers (Courage to Change and the "Blue Book" are two of my favorites), face to face meetings, conversations with other AlAnon members, and this board are amazing tools which can help you come to terms with the situation you are dealing with.
No one will tell you to stay or go or how to "fix" him and nobody can do the work for you, but it is truly a miracle when you are able to feel free to live happily again the way you choose to live..and in my case (and to my GREAT surprise), I ended up staying with my RAH and am truly happier that I can recall ever being (except in the honeymoon phase, of course....lol).
I wish you well!
Iamhere said
Jul 31, 2016
Welcome to MIP Sara - glad that you found us and glad that you shared. I have nothing to add beyond what's been said above me - just wanted to share that Al-Anon has given me the tools to separate myself from other's and to separate others from the disease. I've learned a ton and have a much more peaceful and joyful life by embracing the program, steps, tools and fellowship.
Keep coming back!
Enigmatic said
Jul 31, 2016
Hi Sara, welcome. My heart goes out to you and the pain, frustration, and anxiety that you are describing. AlAnon has been an incredible resource for me, from the time I found it almost four years ago and every day since. It helped me sort out some of the same emotions, concerns, and questions that it seems you have.
I, too, hope you are able to check out a local meeting and benefit from the experience of others who have been through similar challenges. Glad you are here
milkwood said
Jul 31, 2016
Hello Sara,
I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is truly a horrible disease. I just wanted to say that my own experience is very similar to Doingmybest's and I can also relate to your dilemma of loving the man but feeling unable to live with the alcoholic. I did not find it easy to accept and disengage from my husband's choices but I found that focusing on my life, my dreams and desires really helped me to stay authentic to myself. It is an really difficult thing to try to do on your own, but you are not alone, we understand.
andromeda said
Jul 31, 2016
Sara, I understand your pain and confusion. I used program tools to detach from my XAH while determining if I should divorce or stay. It's not an easy decision. Supporting you with positive thoughts and prayers today.
pinkchip said
Jul 31, 2016
Not an easy decision at all. I so badly want to be able to say "Hang in there. He might get better!" BUT - I know that is not true and that alcoholism is chronic and progressive and likely he will get worse - not better and go through a ton of messy denial and losses of his functioning and dignity up until the point he surrenders. As an alcoholic and having been in a long term relationship with another one inthe past, that is what I know of this disease. Stay or go? That is your decision to make alone. Some people can negotiate life and a marriage with an active alcoholic and use alanon to set boundaries and stay sane. It takes great strength to stay AND to leave so don't think either is the easier option. I feel where you are at in terms of really loving someone with this disease. It sucks and is frustrating as hell.
An active alcoholic always thinks they can have their cake and eat it too. They always will rationalize why they can drink and why they deserve it and how you have it twisted and blah blah. Your husband's experiments are actually confirming MORE that he is an alcoholic to me but he is already so progress that instead of learning this, he is seeing that he should drink more instead of less. That is straight up alcoholism...so sad. It is infuriating and frustrating because they have moments of clarity that will make you think they SEE THE LIGHT, but without taking some sort of drastic action (often involving committing to AA and also rehab sometimes) the proclamations and such are almost always BS that is really just a sad, sad struggle between your husband and his disease and the disease will always win as long as he keeps trying to fight it on his own without a program of any kind. I also said I didn't need AA, it was stupid, BS, for losers, amateurs that couldn't handle their drinking....blah blah. I said that all the way up until AA was the last place to go to find hope for a different life.
Alanon can be your anchor in this storm regardless of if you stay or go. It is going to be hard either way and you will benefit from the support from people who do understand. It is horrid to see someone you love get sicker and waste their potential. That is what addiction is though. Stick with alanon to not fall into the trap of getting sicker with him.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 31st of July 2016 02:00:41 PM
knit2thepoint said
Jul 31, 2016
I am currently having the same struggle with my desire to stay married. As someone whose family also doesn't believe in divorce, I understand the turmoil that you feel. However Divorce isn't your only option, I have often wonder if a separation wouldn't provide us both with some time to think. My AH may currently be sober but that is no guarantee that he will stay sober this evening, tomorrow, next week or next month. His involvement in AA does provide me some comfort because I know that as long as he is speaking with his friends and working with his sponsor that his sobriety is slightly more certain but even that carries no guarantees. I take comfort in knowing that I also get to reevaluate my marriage one day at a time. Today i chose marriage but tomorrow might be different. Hang in there ((hug))
-- Edited by knit2thepoint on Monday 1st of August 2016 01:46:15 AM
I just hit a point with my AH in which I suggested divorce. We have not even been married a year. The truth is, the last thing I want is a divorce. I want him to get better! To try! To think of anyone besides himself. I want my best friend. :(
He started this "plan" three weeks ago that he swore up and down would help him. (I know the cycle by now. I know it wouldn't last or work permanently , hell, even more than a month. But I'm not going to tell him that at this point) anyways. The plan was that he would go two weeks, including the weekend, without drinking. And then on the second weekend he could "let loose". Fine. I can't stop him, let him try. Well he did great the first two weeks as planned. I even told him over and over how nice it was spending quality time with him. How proud I was of him and how much less stress I felt coming home to him sober. Then the second weekend rolls around. It's about what I expected. A wasted husband justifying his actions because he went two weeks without a drink and he earned it. Then Monday comes. He starts over. Does well until Friday. I get home and he's drank an entire extra large bottle of wine. The big ones that are really like bulk bottles that fit three regular bottles in one. The whole thing. Plus as I found out later, vodka as well.
My good friend calls me and wants to go out. Naturally my husband wants to go too. Naturally the promises he won't drink anymore that night while we are out. And naturally I don't believe a bit of it. The night basically ends with him passing out face down at our restaurant table. I couldn't have been more humiliated in front of my friend. Once we wake him up more embarrassment happens on the way back to the car. The night ends with me and my girlfriend lifting my husband up off the floor and into bed. All dead weight.
Anyways. Tonight he decided to change his "plan" and declares going two weeks without drinking is just too hard. He says there is no way I will ever change his mind of this and that the weekends are his time to again, "let loose" to "have fun". I work about 50 hours on average during the week. I look forward to seeing my husband and getting to spend time with him on the weekends. Ive busted my ass at work to finally have weekends off to be with him. Partly because he says he gets bored and depressed on the weekends without me there and blamed his drinking on that......
So here we are. I refuse to live my life working all week just to come home to a hurtful, embarrassing, mean husband my days off. He is an amazing man sober. My best friend. Everything. I miss him so much. I can't live with this other person he becomes anymore. There's no compromise. No discussion. No AA. No getting help. "it doesn't work" "I don't need it" "I'll be miserable without alcohol". So I'm left being miserable too......
I'm almost 30. I have no children. A part of me doesn't want to bring children into a life like this. My family doesn't believe in divorce. I used to not either. We've been having this same fight for six years and nothing ever changes. I feel like I'm gong crazy. Divorced after ten months?
Does anyone have advise.....I'm sorry for the novel, but my AH passed out on me halfway through our discussion and I'm just infuriated. And hurt. And lost. I want to have a family. I'm scared that if I leave I won't get that chance. But I also truly don't want to leave. I just want to be happy. To have a spouse that tries..... I don't want to throw away my life either....
Aloha Sara T and welcome to the board. Gosh I wish this wasn't happening to you also however it is and you've found us. First miracle. You are married to two men...one the one you love and like being around and the other your alcoholic who is never going to be able to provide the mental, emotional and spiritual partnership a couple needs to have for a successful marriage. I learn this myself after coming to the Al-Anon Family Groups being married to my second alcoholic addict and having had several other same relationships.
My then sponsor told me one evening after a meeting "When you find out you have made a mistake, go back and correct it". I was able to do that shortly afterward and then let the program become a big part of my life. I can only imagine (with some experiences of my own) how sick and tired you feel. I hope you stick around and join us here on the board and also in the rooms of the face to face meetings. ((((hugs)))) and prayers.
It is suggested that we make no major changes unitl we are in program for at least a year and that is because we need to be comfortable with our choices.Alanon wil provide great insight into solving the Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage-- A great alanon book by the way.
You are not alone so please do keep coming back . There is hope
AlAnon says we must admit we are powerless and I am in no way arguing against that sentiment. We are powerless over alcohol, over other people's actions, over other people's decisions, over everything but ourselves and how we act, how we think, and what we decide is right for us on every level. We have this power because there is a power greater than us which/who can restore us to sanity. This higher power (you get to choose your higher power) will lead you to the answers you seek. All you have to do is ask and be willing to really listen and follow the AlAnon program.
I used to think I could find answers on how to fix my RAH (recovering alcoholic husband). I tried literally everything until I gave up on him and made the decision to save myself. That decision changed my life because it meant I surrendered my will to my higher power and gave up trying to "bargain", "fix", control, or change my RAH and everyone but me. This is when my power came back and honestly when he decided to get help for himself. I can't promise your A will do the same because many don't, but many do when they have to face their own consequences and don't like that responsibility.
All the years of begging, threatening divorce or separation (on both our parts), controlling, manipulating, and demanding my way never got me anywhere. I was simply labeled as a controlling, bit..ing, angry, jealous, and mean person, who nobody liked or wanted to be around. There was a lot of truth to that because I didn't even like myself.
After relinquishing my will, AlAnon helped me to see things in a different way. I try my hardest to not complain, to do things because I want not (not because I am expected to), to immediately make amends when I have done wrong, and to no longer say I am sorry when I have not committed any wrong. I also try very very hard to stay in my own hula hoop. This means minding my own business unless asked specifically to "help" and even then not taking over unless asked to do so.
I give this ESH because we each have many choices, though they are often very difficult to see. AlAnon readers (Courage to Change and the "Blue Book" are two of my favorites), face to face meetings, conversations with other AlAnon members, and this board are amazing tools which can help you come to terms with the situation you are dealing with.
No one will tell you to stay or go or how to "fix" him and nobody can do the work for you, but it is truly a miracle when you are able to feel free to live happily again the way you choose to live..and in my case (and to my GREAT surprise), I ended up staying with my RAH and am truly happier that I can recall ever being (except in the honeymoon phase, of course....lol).
I wish you well!
Keep coming back!
I, too, hope you are able to check out a local meeting and benefit from the experience of others who have been through similar challenges. Glad you are here
I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is truly a horrible disease. I just wanted to say that my own experience is very similar to Doingmybest's and I can also relate to your dilemma of loving the man but feeling unable to live with the alcoholic. I did not find it easy to accept and disengage from my husband's choices but I found that focusing on my life, my dreams and desires really helped me to stay authentic to myself. It is an really difficult thing to try to do on your own, but you are not alone, we understand.
Not an easy decision at all. I so badly want to be able to say "Hang in there. He might get better!" BUT - I know that is not true and that alcoholism is chronic and progressive and likely he will get worse - not better and go through a ton of messy denial and losses of his functioning and dignity up until the point he surrenders. As an alcoholic and having been in a long term relationship with another one inthe past, that is what I know of this disease. Stay or go? That is your decision to make alone. Some people can negotiate life and a marriage with an active alcoholic and use alanon to set boundaries and stay sane. It takes great strength to stay AND to leave so don't think either is the easier option. I feel where you are at in terms of really loving someone with this disease. It sucks and is frustrating as hell.
An active alcoholic always thinks they can have their cake and eat it too. They always will rationalize why they can drink and why they deserve it and how you have it twisted and blah blah. Your husband's experiments are actually confirming MORE that he is an alcoholic to me but he is already so progress that instead of learning this, he is seeing that he should drink more instead of less. That is straight up alcoholism...so sad. It is infuriating and frustrating because they have moments of clarity that will make you think they SEE THE LIGHT, but without taking some sort of drastic action (often involving committing to AA and also rehab sometimes) the proclamations and such are almost always BS that is really just a sad, sad struggle between your husband and his disease and the disease will always win as long as he keeps trying to fight it on his own without a program of any kind. I also said I didn't need AA, it was stupid, BS, for losers, amateurs that couldn't handle their drinking....blah blah. I said that all the way up until AA was the last place to go to find hope for a different life.
Alanon can be your anchor in this storm regardless of if you stay or go. It is going to be hard either way and you will benefit from the support from people who do understand. It is horrid to see someone you love get sicker and waste their potential. That is what addiction is though. Stick with alanon to not fall into the trap of getting sicker with him.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 31st of July 2016 02:00:41 PM
I am currently having the same struggle with my desire to stay married. As someone whose family also doesn't believe in divorce, I understand the turmoil that you feel. However Divorce isn't your only option, I have often wonder if a separation wouldn't provide us both with some time to think. My AH may currently be sober but that is no guarantee that he will stay sober this evening, tomorrow, next week or next month. His involvement in AA does provide me some comfort because I know that as long as he is speaking with his friends and working with his sponsor that his sobriety is slightly more certain but even that carries no guarantees. I take comfort in knowing that I also get to reevaluate my marriage one day at a time. Today i chose marriage but tomorrow might be different. Hang in there ((hug))
-- Edited by knit2thepoint on Monday 1st of August 2016 01:46:15 AM