I've been processing several things this week and have wanted to write but just was stuck. Stuck in sadness, stuck in uncertainty and perhaps fear. At times, each of these has been worse/stronger than the other but these and possible more feelings have been present.
One of my dearest friends who is a cancer survivor felt her cancer had returned. This was a few weeks ago, and I (and the others in our lovely group) threw together a shindig to offer support, laughter, companionship. One is a nurse and I am just a hard-backsided person and between the two of us, we kindly convinced our friend that she should advocate for herself and any/all tests until she has peace of mind.
She did got back and long story short, they did further testing and her cancer is back. She's an ovarian cancer patient and it's one where it is typically advanced before anybody diagnoses. So, they shared confirmation on Tuesday, and she starts treatment on Monday. She is upbeat, acting strong and we are all supporting her. However, this just tugs at my heart as she has a 16 year old son and my hope is she gets to see him grow up!
My husband who has had 2 heart attacks, 3 stents and triple bypass surgery has been having dizzy spells. He's in denial that this has anything to do with his heart issues, and therefore is treating himself with more water and allergy medication. All I can say is *sigh* to this as anything I suggest could either cause a fight, be turned around and/or completely ignored. I've been praying for words and have not heard anything yet - so have said nothing.
My youngest is 'hiding' which is never a good sign. Typically when this is happening, his usage has increased and he's full of shame, anger, etc. and he also suffers from depression so - of course I am worried, sad and scared.
And, I believe I shared that my oldest has decided AA is not for him; he is going to maintain his sobriety by wood-working. I've been trying to process this for at least a week or longer, and quite frankly it sounds so crazy that I don't even know where to start.
I realize that to others, these items may seem trivial. I share them as they are bothering me. So - what I have learned in this program is that each and every day, we each are presented with life events, situations and problems that affect our emotions, invade or processing and threaten our peace. This program has taught me that my number one goal is to preserve my serenity. So, I've been sad this week, and a bit depressed. We are taught to walk through the feelings and know it's temporary. We are also taught that there is a bigger plan that we are unaware of.
I am grateful that I have learned enough in recovery to realize I have no control over any possible outcomes for any of these scenarios. I am grateful that I have learned to pray to my HP asking how I can be of service to myself and others, and I am grateful to have supportive program friends and a sponsor that I can share my deepest fears - which ironically for all of the above are the same - What if He/She Dies? Talk about projection of gloom/doom, but the reality is this is a possibility for all 4 of the current issues taking up space in my head.
I am grateful that I am healthy and can be of service. I am grateful that you are all here and I can reach out and ask for prayers and positive thoughts. I realize as I type that Every Body's Got Something - and it dawned on me that this is why we are here....to provide support and ESH in the hopes of helping each other.
Thanks for listening!!
El said
Jul 29, 2016
I am so sorry that all of these frightening situations are presenting themselves all at once. Not one of them is trivial! Of course you are sad and concerned of the outcomes. As you stated we don't have control over any of it, it is definitely a one day at a time progression.
I am sending you my prayers, thoughts and hugs as you take care of you, while being as supportive as possible to others. Thank you for sharing; you are always such an inspiration to the rest of us here.
El
Iamhere said
Jul 29, 2016
Thank you for your share and your thoughts, prayers and hugs! I am grateful to be playing softball tonight and meeting plans for tomorrow & Sunday!!!
(((Hugs))) Back @ ya!
Jerry F said
Jul 29, 2016
I am here you are so magical being able to be concerned and considerate and humble and helping me to come to the wish that you hit a grand slam tonight Oh and just a thought on a way you said "...pray to your Higher Power"...yeppers I use to think it and say it that way myself until my Higher Power asked me to pray WITH IT regarding all matters of powerlessness and gratitude. My HP and I pray together. ((((Hugs))))
Mirandac said
Jul 29, 2016
Sending you a loving hug
(((((( hugs ))))))
-- Edited by Iamhere on Sunday 31st of January 2021 11:21:42 AM
Iamhere said
Jul 29, 2016
Thanks all - any support, wishes and prayers - we'll take them here!
We won both games tonight - I did not hit well but it's a team sport and am just grateful others hit better than I!
Love and hugs to all!!
tiredtonite said
Jul 29, 2016
You're a good friend (((iamhere))) It was a great idea to celebrate with your friends. I'm sure your friend with cancer feels grateful that you're on her life's journey. I'm grateful that you're a part of my recovery journey here at MIP.
Sending prayers tonight for you and those you love.Thank goodness we have good Alanon tools for staying present and hopeful.
Congratulations on 2 wins tonight in softball! You go girl!
I find that when a crisis happens like the one you mentioned about your friend with ovarian cancer, I begin to feel vulnerable and project concerning myself and others in my life. I often have to reel myself in and remind myself that nothing additional has changed and maybe I'm projecting one situation onto another. There is no reason for me to believe because one sad event is occurring that others are going to happen. This sort of catastrophizing can cause me to lose my focus on my own self care needs. Meanwhile, my higher power is the only one who can predict future events.
It's inspiring to see how you've kept your focus and not given in to this kind of worry. You went as planned to enjoy yourself tonight instead of sitting at home wringing your hands. You've shared here, released it and put those you love in hp's very capable hands. Thank you for sharing. Yes, "Everybody's Got Something." We're not alone. I'm grateful that we aren't. Keep coming back. (((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Friday 29th of July 2016 11:58:38 PM
hotrod said
Jul 30, 2016
(((hugs)) I am sending positive thoughts and prayers out your way. HP is walking with you and I do know that even in the most difficult times HPs love never fails.
I am glad you won the game last night - You are certainly a "team player" and an asset to MIP as well as to your baseball team and family.
-- Edited by Iamhere on Sunday 31st of January 2021 11:21:59 AM
YARNCRAZY said
Jul 30, 2016
you are such a dear person and so very inspirational to all of us. I pray for your serenity and send a basket of hugs alyce
-- Edited by Iamhere on Sunday 31st of January 2021 11:22:14 AM
Iamhere said
Jul 30, 2016
(((Betty))) - thanks for your lovely words!!! Make today super special - it's your day!!! Enjoy, enjoy and enjoy!!
savingmyself said
Jul 31, 2016
I liked what you wrote. Thank you for your honesty and openness.
Iamhere said
Aug 1, 2016
Just a quick update as I try as best I can to work this program....
My friend had her first chemo treatment today. All things went good and her husband got to be with her as he's currently in plant shutdown. Last evening, another in our small intimate group took by some holy water from the church and a charm bracelet we had custom made. It's got the first initial of each of us, plus a cross, a megaphone (2 of us were cheerleaders) and a few other intimate charms reflective of our group and our love for her. So - even when we are not with her, we are with her! It's truly adorable, one of a kind and of course meant the world to her.
She chopped her hair all off and sent us the photo Saturday - it's super short, super cute and sassy! We of course all loved it!
My AH who was dizzy has taken a bit of advice (only took 25 years of marriage), and is now carrying water with him to the golf course. We've been having some hot, hot, hot nasty 100+ degree (feels like) weather here, and he is no longer dizzy.....
My youngest who was hiding reached out today and is coming over for a visit tomorrow. He sounded good, and has been promoted from pizza cook to store manager! He's been working tons of hours and still is doing a 5pm to 3/4am type shift. So, he and I are on opposite schedules in life, sleep, etc. He has had one shift at his new location, and liked the staff and the store greatly! He was working at the original for this company, and this is a newer store. So, he was impressed by the newer kitchen, tools, etc. Again, he sounded good and seems happy - so I'm happy if he's happy! He did suggest he really wanted us to give her a car and I had to suggest that he had some legal issues to attend to before he could legally drive. The subject dropped for now, which is fine with me.
My oldest son - the one who is woodworking for sobriety came to my door at lunch time - just sat down with a veggie omelette! He had tried to call but I did not have my phone near me. (this is something I've worked hard to suggest as being respectful...so - he has learned something in his 24 years.) Anyways, I hear a light wrap at my front door, and look up and wonder who is on my porch! He's put on a bit of weight and has grown out all facial hair and head hair. I did not immediately recognize my own child! He needed to borrow a car battery charger and my AH was supposed to put it out for him and forgot.
I told him he looked like grizzly adams, asked him if he wanted part of my lunch and gave him a hug. He said No thanks - in a hurry - see ya soon! I sat down and ate and realized that he lives 5.5 miles from me, and I've not hardly seen him for the last 2+ years. Of course, I was in a good place so a part of me just considered it his loss, not mine!
Funny how things work out when I just let God take care of it. In only 3 short days of me writing above, my pressing concerns then are exactly as they each should be. I wrote about them to help myself process and to 'get them out' and ask for support/prayers. It does work when we work it!
Lastly, I took Saturday off from tourney ball as my feet are tired this year. I did play last night and we won both games again - so that's a good feeling too! The team played well together, no drama, lots of laughs and 2 wins! Life is grand folks - thanks for the support and prayers before and thanks for being on this journey with me!!
El said
Aug 2, 2016
Oh, I absolutely love the charm bracelet idea. How comforting for your friend and for all of you! Beautiful!
Contact and communication with your sons came at the right time, sounded positive and just what you needed since your last post. Prayers do get answered.
Thank you for sharing and the update. You are right, everyone DOES have something. Have a wonderful Tuesday!
El
hotrod said
Aug 2, 2016
Thanks for the update IAH- Glad that your sons have surfaced and your friend is doing well.
Iamhere said
Aug 2, 2016
Thanks all - appreciate the support and am very grateful for MIP! If I can get a photo of the charm bracelet, I will post it. It brought tears to my eyes, more by the intent than the design. But it's lovely all the same.
Make it a great Tuesday!! (((Hugs))) in support!
Mirandac said
Aug 2, 2016
Sending you a big hug
((((( hugs )))))
-- Edited by Iamhere on Sunday 31st of January 2021 11:22:31 AM
KennyFenderjazz said
Aug 2, 2016
Hope you keep having a great Tuesday. I haven't had time to write, but I have had just enough time to read, so glad you let HP work it out for you, and you kept the right attitude once he did!
Kenny
Jazzie18 said
Aug 2, 2016
Thank you for your ESH and prayers to you and your friend.
Iamhere said
Aug 2, 2016
Thanks MIP Family! The prayers and thoughts are always welcome!!!
IAmStrong said
Aug 4, 2016
I just had to write...so many similarities or parallels to our lives it seems. My favorite saying to all is "If your feet touch the floor, no matter how painful....today is a gift, go out and make a Memory!". CA survivor here. Love your support for your friend, the prayers for your sons and your positive attitude Even though there are truly in life, challenging times that tax us. I view my "challenges" not as negatives. I have So Much to be Thankful for! It is OK, if I am sad by someone I loves circumstances and reach out for encouragement to recharge! I get irritated if anyone suggests "you've had a hard life". Being married to my A all those years and everything it brought does Not define "Me"! I have learned, and grown. Nothing stays the same. I've seen my children protected in the midst of bad choices along with decisions to make positive choices and have successes. I just learned of a dearly loved ones being an active A in their life....having lived away for many years. I take care of my parents and do my Best to take care of me in the process when advocacy is needed. Today my friends, is a gift. Go out and make a memory! It IS true. Everybody, has something. This is partly why we have each other. In ES&H...
Iamhere said
Aug 4, 2016
Love your name IAmStrong!!! Thanks for the ESH & words and glad you've joined our journey here! Keep coming back!
I've been processing several things this week and have wanted to write but just was stuck. Stuck in sadness, stuck in uncertainty and perhaps fear. At times, each of these has been worse/stronger than the other but these and possible more feelings have been present.
One of my dearest friends who is a cancer survivor felt her cancer had returned. This was a few weeks ago, and I (and the others in our lovely group) threw together a shindig to offer support, laughter, companionship. One is a nurse and I am just a hard-backsided person and between the two of us, we kindly convinced our friend that she should advocate for herself and any/all tests until she has peace of mind.
She did got back and long story short, they did further testing and her cancer is back. She's an ovarian cancer patient and it's one where it is typically advanced before anybody diagnoses. So, they shared confirmation on Tuesday, and she starts treatment on Monday. She is upbeat, acting strong and we are all supporting her. However, this just tugs at my heart as she has a 16 year old son and my hope is she gets to see him grow up!
My husband who has had 2 heart attacks, 3 stents and triple bypass surgery has been having dizzy spells. He's in denial that this has anything to do with his heart issues, and therefore is treating himself with more water and allergy medication. All I can say is *sigh* to this as anything I suggest could either cause a fight, be turned around and/or completely ignored. I've been praying for words and have not heard anything yet - so have said nothing.
My youngest is 'hiding' which is never a good sign. Typically when this is happening, his usage has increased and he's full of shame, anger, etc. and he also suffers from depression so - of course I am worried, sad and scared.
And, I believe I shared that my oldest has decided AA is not for him; he is going to maintain his sobriety by wood-working. I've been trying to process this for at least a week or longer, and quite frankly it sounds so crazy that I don't even know where to start.
I realize that to others, these items may seem trivial. I share them as they are bothering me. So - what I have learned in this program is that each and every day, we each are presented with life events, situations and problems that affect our emotions, invade or processing and threaten our peace. This program has taught me that my number one goal is to preserve my serenity. So, I've been sad this week, and a bit depressed. We are taught to walk through the feelings and know it's temporary. We are also taught that there is a bigger plan that we are unaware of.
I am grateful that I have learned enough in recovery to realize I have no control over any possible outcomes for any of these scenarios. I am grateful that I have learned to pray to my HP asking how I can be of service to myself and others, and I am grateful to have supportive program friends and a sponsor that I can share my deepest fears - which ironically for all of the above are the same - What if He/She Dies? Talk about projection of gloom/doom, but the reality is this is a possibility for all 4 of the current issues taking up space in my head.
I am grateful that I am healthy and can be of service. I am grateful that you are all here and I can reach out and ask for prayers and positive thoughts. I realize as I type that Every Body's Got Something - and it dawned on me that this is why we are here....to provide support and ESH in the hopes of helping each other.
Thanks for listening!!
I am so sorry that all of these frightening situations are presenting themselves all at once. Not one of them is trivial! Of course you are sad and concerned of the outcomes. As you stated we don't have control over any of it, it is definitely a one day at a time progression.
I am sending you my prayers, thoughts and hugs as you take care of you, while being as supportive as possible to others. Thank you for sharing; you are always such an inspiration to the rest of us here.
El
(((Hugs))) Back @ ya!
I am here you are so magical being able to be concerned and considerate and humble and helping me to come to the wish that you hit a grand slam tonight Oh and just a thought on a way you said "...pray to your Higher Power"...yeppers I use to think it and say it that way myself until my Higher Power asked me to pray WITH IT regarding all matters of powerlessness and gratitude. My HP and I pray together. ((((Hugs))))
Sending you a loving hug
(((((( hugs ))))))
-- Edited by Iamhere on Sunday 31st of January 2021 11:21:42 AM
We won both games tonight - I did not hit well but it's a team sport and am just grateful others hit better than I!
Love and hugs to all!!
You're a good friend (((iamhere))) It was a great idea to celebrate with your friends. I'm sure your friend with cancer feels grateful that you're on her life's journey. I'm grateful that you're a part of my recovery journey here at MIP.
Sending prayers tonight for you and those you love.Thank goodness we have good Alanon tools for staying present and hopeful.
Congratulations on 2 wins tonight in softball! You go girl!
I find that when a crisis happens like the one you mentioned about your friend with ovarian cancer, I begin to feel vulnerable and project concerning myself and others in my life. I often have to reel myself in and remind myself that nothing additional has changed and maybe I'm projecting one situation onto another. There is no reason for me to believe because one sad event is occurring that others are going to happen. This sort of catastrophizing can cause me to lose my focus on my own self care needs. Meanwhile, my higher power is the only one who can predict future events.
It's inspiring to see how you've kept your focus and not given in to this kind of worry. You went as planned to enjoy yourself tonight instead of sitting at home wringing your hands. You've shared here, released it and put those you love in hp's very capable hands. Thank you for sharing. Yes, "Everybody's Got Something." We're not alone. I'm grateful that we aren't. Keep coming back. (((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Friday 29th of July 2016 11:58:38 PM
(((hugs)) I am sending positive thoughts and prayers out your way. HP is walking with you and I do know that even in the most difficult times HPs love never fails.
I am glad you won the game last night - You are certainly a "team player" and an asset to MIP as well as to your baseball team and family.
-- Edited by Iamhere on Sunday 31st of January 2021 11:21:59 AM
you are such a dear person and so very inspirational to all of us. I pray for your serenity and send a basket of hugs
alyce
-- Edited by Iamhere on Sunday 31st of January 2021 11:22:14 AM
My friend had her first chemo treatment today. All things went good and her husband got to be with her as he's currently in plant shutdown. Last evening, another in our small intimate group took by some holy water from the church and a charm bracelet we had custom made. It's got the first initial of each of us, plus a cross, a megaphone (2 of us were cheerleaders) and a few other intimate charms reflective of our group and our love for her. So - even when we are not with her, we are with her! It's truly adorable, one of a kind and of course meant the world to her.
She chopped her hair all off and sent us the photo Saturday - it's super short, super cute and sassy! We of course all loved it!
My AH who was dizzy has taken a bit of advice (only took 25 years of marriage), and is now carrying water with him to the golf course. We've been having some hot, hot, hot nasty 100+ degree (feels like) weather here, and he is no longer dizzy.....
My youngest who was hiding reached out today and is coming over for a visit tomorrow. He sounded good, and has been promoted from pizza cook to store manager! He's been working tons of hours and still is doing a 5pm to 3/4am type shift. So, he and I are on opposite schedules in life, sleep, etc. He has had one shift at his new location, and liked the staff and the store greatly! He was working at the original for this company, and this is a newer store. So, he was impressed by the newer kitchen, tools, etc. Again, he sounded good and seems happy - so I'm happy if he's happy! He did suggest he really wanted us to give her a car and I had to suggest that he had some legal issues to attend to before he could legally drive. The subject dropped for now, which is fine with me.
My oldest son - the one who is woodworking for sobriety came to my door at lunch time - just sat down with a veggie omelette! He had tried to call but I did not have my phone near me. (this is something I've worked hard to suggest as being respectful...so - he has learned something in his 24 years.) Anyways, I hear a light wrap at my front door, and look up and wonder who is on my porch! He's put on a bit of weight and has grown out all facial hair and head hair. I did not immediately recognize my own child! He needed to borrow a car battery charger and my AH was supposed to put it out for him and forgot.
I told him he looked like grizzly adams, asked him if he wanted part of my lunch and gave him a hug. He said No thanks - in a hurry - see ya soon! I sat down and ate and realized that he lives 5.5 miles from me, and I've not hardly seen him for the last 2+ years. Of course, I was in a good place so a part of me just considered it his loss, not mine!
Funny how things work out when I just let God take care of it. In only 3 short days of me writing above, my pressing concerns then are exactly as they each should be. I wrote about them to help myself process and to 'get them out' and ask for support/prayers. It does work when we work it!
Lastly, I took Saturday off from tourney ball as my feet are tired this year. I did play last night and we won both games again - so that's a good feeling too! The team played well together, no drama, lots of laughs and 2 wins! Life is grand folks - thanks for the support and prayers before and thanks for being on this journey with me!!
Oh, I absolutely love the charm bracelet idea. How comforting for your friend and for all of you! Beautiful!
Contact and communication with your sons came at the right time, sounded positive and just what you needed since your last post. Prayers do get answered.
Thank you for sharing and the update. You are right, everyone DOES have something. Have a wonderful Tuesday!
El
Make it a great Tuesday!! (((Hugs))) in support!
Sending you a big hug
((((( hugs )))))
-- Edited by Iamhere on Sunday 31st of January 2021 11:22:31 AM
Kenny