Hi All, 

It as been a few months since my last post. I am still extremely physically ill - with no answers. I spend my days in bed, unless I am going from doctor to doctor, holistic practitioner to holistic practitioner. Emotionally, I did a good job of staying away (absolutely no contact) from ex-A fiance for quite a bit. It was so painful to stay away - which is why I was so happy when he reached out. 

He was intoxicated. Not sure whether it was pills or alcohol or both - doesn't really matter, does it? He was essentially telling me to come over (to OUR old house, where he still lives), and getting sexual. A quick reminder that after he left me because I was sick, he began dating some awful girl, even younger than I, and is apparently still with her. Of course I didnt go, and the conversation ended with him passing out/falling asleep while I was still on the phone. Please note, his disease was never that bad in the 7 years I spent with him. As anyone who has read my previous posts knows, he is extremely high functioning. Very wealthy, charming, seemingly happy, successful, etc.

The next morning, I was worried about the passing out - so I asked if all was okay. He said he remembered talking to me, but it was a mistake. He went on to tell me how "happy" he is with the new girl. He asked why I can't just be happy for him. When I responded, he stopped answering me. I have, embarrassingly enough, sent him probably 8-10 unanswered text messages. We were in the middle of a text conversation when he just decided he wasnt going to answer anymore. It's horrifying. Also - happy for him? About what? HE LEFT ME when I was sick. He threw away the life we built together over the course of my entire adult life, every promise he made to me was just obliterated... HOW IS HE OKAY, MUCH LESS HAPPY? I can't breathe. I feel like it is happening from the beginning all over again. I miss who he was, and who we were, so so so much.

I need all my strength to fight whatever physical illness I have, but this has made it all the harder. Being so sick I can't drive, work, walk, read well - really do anything - is enough to make me lose the will to live (I have lost 1.5 years of my life in counting to this illness)... Add the idea that the man I love, the only life I've ever known is just completely and permanently gone... It makes it seemingly pointless to keep fighting - and that scares me so badly. I am physically sick, broken hearted, and terrified. 

I can never ever imagine being with someone else - physically or emotionally. He went off and replaced me within months, and is supposedly very happy. How can he do this, and get away with it? What am I supposed to do? Please keep in mind, I cannot physically get to meetings or really participate in any distractions due to my physical state.

I'd really appreciate any insight, advice, help, you all can offer. Thank you. 

J that is more than enough sadness for anyone to carry much less the enabler of an alcoholic and then I use to do it myself until my sponsor clued me into reading or listening to my story as if I were someone else and then decide what to do afterward.  What I did afterwards was increase my meeting attendance and my commitment to my sanity.  One thing I learned was that I was willingly participating in the insanity...willingly...willfully.  I was and still am my own worse enemy and it takes a power greater than myself to keep me from continuing.   Keep coming back J...when we choose the pain is all temporary.   ((((hugs))))

Hi J, I agree with Jerry.   The C2C reading for today talks about the illusions that we live under. It suggest that we must explore these incorrect beliefs and let them go so we can live in reality and enjoy life on life's terms.

Acceptance of the fact that my loved ones did lie, cheat and hurt me in order to achieve their own agenda was a huge step for me . I had to process the pain and then use program tools to let go of the anger and move forward in my life, Refusing to react and engage with the insanity of this disease is extremely important.
Alanon is a "WE" program and that is why program meetings are so important. Try attending theon line meetings for support.

J We do not give advise and since I cannot read your mind or motives, I cannot answer your question regarding your illusions. That is something you and your sponsor can work on.  

Accepting my powerlessness was extremely important to my recovery.  I found that by Feeling my feelings, owning them and then being willing to let them go and move forward helped me to change. Remember program states" Changed attitudes aid recovery"
so what ever tool can be used in this respect is important.

I also went through an experience that sounds much like this - where I thought what I had with the guy was precious and amazing.  When I found out that he wasn't that guy at all, I had a hard time believing it.  He was much less mature and loyal and capable than I had believed.  The realization that he was like that all the time was so hard for me.  I had so wanted someone who could give me everything I wanted.  What I wanted of someone was more than any person could give, actually.  But especially this guy, who turned out to be so flawed and immature.  It was hard to come to terms with that.  I had idealized him more than anyone should idealize another person, and basically made him my Higher Power, with control over my happiness and fulfillment. 

One thing that helped me was the saying "Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."  It sure didn't feel like it.  But I came to see how I was adding to my own suffering by telling myself things like "I can never love anyone as much again" and "That was meant to be, and now I am abandoned," and "There is no one out there for me like him."  If I imagined someone else saying those things to me, they would have been a cruel person.  But I said them to myself.  I was beyond devastated.  How do I think about him, years later?  I think he was just a guy who wasn't very grown up or healthy. 

I hope you'll take good care of yourself.

I applaud all that you are doing in such a bad situation. As a man my guess is that your ex is just using this girl. QUESTION: Are people on this board permitted to outwardly judge and oppress others (as at least two members have in this thread)? I ask bc I am a member of another 12-step forum in which this is expressly prohibited. Hang in there jaclyn.

I dont see judging. Not all feedback is going to be feeling sorry for a person. Especially if that enables them to stay sick and in a victim/martyr mode. Sorry you view honest feedback and nonenabling as "attacking."

I agree that censoring members and condemning or attempting to control a member's style is not part of the Miracles in Progress' Board 's philosophy.or Principles.The intentions of a member's Communication are difficult to discern.

   Alanon Traditions are respected here so that  "Take what you like and leave the rest" is an important tool  to call on.  

Savingmyself No the MIP Board is not related to Alanon organization or conference.

I am confused as to your own intentions as to posting here. If you are looking for support because of living with the disease of alcoholism. you will  not be disappointed and will find understanding, compassion and new tools to live by. if not then,jumping on to the Board taking other member's inventory, judging another long time, respected member's response is not in the spirit of this Board and I must insist you keep your posts focused on yourself and your issues. 

Love you too elcee. My truth is I got better when I stopped feeling sorry for myself and started taking care of myself. Say no to silly drama. There was a time I might have been bothered by a silly dig of "I feel sorry for you pinkchip" but now? Pshaw. Whatever. Addiction and the havoc it wreaks is the enemy not each other. Ridiculous and blatant divisiveness are bigger problems here in my opinion than any pointed feedback.

It SUCKS that this OP has been negatively affected by alcoholism, but only SHE can do something about it. And that is what I learned in Alanon...not to "feel sorry" or enable.

I believe that  practicing alanon principles by keeping the focus on myself, not taking anyone else's inventory but my own, letting go of unrealistic expectations, I am able to offer the understanding and support so needed to persons coping with this disease .

Co- Signing anyone else's disease is not kind or supportive.    

.....My mind goes to the closing statement of our face to face meetings that part which cautions;  "But let there be no gossip or criticism of one another.  Instead let the peace of the program grow in you one day at a time".  We are "family" group members.   (((hugs)))

Hi Folks, (Family and Friends!)

My name is John, and I am a grateful member of Al-Anon.
I am also the founder and webmaster of Miracles In Progress

This site was started in 1998, and the Al-Anon Family Group was and still is our strongest 12 step group on the site in relation to numbers, meetings held, number of registered members on the message board, number of post and replies to the past. And as is true in most f2f groups, we have only a few consistently, lovingly, wise, long term experienced members doing the work of many.

We are Al-Anon. Therefore, we are going to speak Al-Anon here. And sometimes it comes packed with the hard truth, that most of us don't' want to hear, and won't believe when we do. We are people who come from a place of mistrust, doubt, fear, unpredictability, where most things said have to have a question mark put behind it because its as likely to be untrue as it is to be true.
So we arrive here, and we bring in doubt, fear, easily offended, self defended, anger and distrust.
But hey, we are not the enemy in here. We love you, we want you to smile, in such a way that you feel the expression of joy on your face...and in your stomach at the same time!!  We don't want to let you be here and stay sick.  That's not what you came here for either, right?  So, let us share our years of experience with you.  The years before our personal recoveries began, and what happened to bring us here, and what its like now.  You will hear your story, likely many parts and pieces of it from a collection of people here. In unity you will hear our strength, and together our greatest HOPE.  That we can do together what none of us could do alone.  Recover.  To the newcomer, some things will be hard to grasp, and wrap your brain around early on. Sometimes, since we tend to be very emotionally sensitive when we are hurting at the core of our being, we will not see the value of wisdom, or understand the collective wisdom that guides us all. No one here wants you to hurt, wants you to stay stuck in the pain, the fear, the anger. We are only human beings, with a life time of experience dealing with the chaos, conflict and confusion. Coming to Al-Anon is a huge step towards healing yourself and learning how to live YOUR life more effectively, so you can be truly happy, joyous and free.... regardless of what someone else is or isn't doing around you. No matter what you concede powerlessness, thus control over someone else's choices, decisions, thinking or behavior. You surrender, give up trying to figure them out, use all your energy to fix them and their problems, rescue them??  Good luck with that one, we have all tried to be the savior in one way or the other.  LOL.  And now, here, we focus on fixing our own problems... like, why do I settle for less than I deserve. want or need for myself, and accept unacceptable life conditions just to avoid losing someone toxic in my life?  Pretty deep,powerful question huh?  We take a honest view of the causes and conditions in and about ourselves.  We let God figure others out.  Not our job, never was.  We just like a challenge I guess and took on a impossible task of loving ourselves SOBER.  Because the alcoholic will depend on a drink to get them through their insanity, and us, the newer Al-Anon members are often still trying to find a way to depend on the alcoholic.......  now who do you think might be sicker of the two?  They drink, they get drunk.  We don't drink.  We go nuts.  LMAO

To the older members, in both f2f Al-Anon and online groups.  Your staying close by, willing to share what you have gained.  Your own experience, strength and hope is what people are attracted to.  Share it, but do it as we should do all things... with Love.  Even detaching... do it with Love.  

Pause, respond with love.  Not knee jerk reaction.  The other person, might really just need a safe hug and be told again, that if they hang close to us, things will get better.  To just hold on.  When asked "when will things get better?"  We smile with nothing but love in our eyes and answer...."when you get better, things will get better for you as a by product".  Man, gawh, we hate to hear that one!!

 We are online.  We do the best we can.  But let's be honest here.  50% of communicating something clearly gets missed with no facile expressions, no tone of voice, no body language, no looking in the eyes of each other.  Someone might say something that sounds kind of rough, but if you could hear what their eyes are saying, see what their face is saying...

I feel you, i know your pain... I so want to help you, to just hug you and let you know that things will be okay if you just hang close to us for a while, try not to make any life changing decisions right now... let Al-Anon become your focus for awhile, and then review what decisions need to be made in YOUR life for YOUR happiness.  

We do not endorse or oppose you staying with or leaving your qualifier if a life partner.  In Al-Anon we try to meet you where you are at, and support you with love through whatever you choose to go through for the sake of your own serenity, peace and happiness.

We are not the enemy.  We suffered as all Al-Anon's do, we laughed at the same things and we cried about the same things, we grab hold and hang on when we should have let go, and we let go when we should have hung on....

We have been down the road every newcomer has travelled.  Maybe different faces and different places... but we have all FELT the same damn way at one time or another in this ongoing journey called life.

So, I am not finding anything that I would not expect this thread to have.

Someone who has posted literally thousands of times in support of, trying to comfort and educate the newcomer, who has posted less than 100 times, sometimes less than 20 times, who is still carrying and trying to use their weapons to fend off Al-Anon, (LOVE) with doubts, question marks, distrust, fear and anger, self loathing, overly sensitive self defensive attitudes.... and finding that old behavior doesn't work here.  We are Al-Anon.  That is what we get and give here.  And yes sometimes it is tough love.  Because it brings breakthroughs that just patting someone on the ass and telling them they are doing good and things will get better, is another way of enabling, keeping ourselves and/or someone else stuck in the sickness, the dis-ease, instead of empowering, reinforcing their new way of living.  Let's not ever let ourselves keep each other sick here.  that is exactly what took place before ending up in Al-Anon, what brought us here in the first place.  Let's all try to remember,... no one here is the enemy.  Lot's of broken hearts, broken spirits, broken minds, walk through our doors into this wonderful program.  Thank God, I did not have to meet any requirement outside the scope of tradition #3 to qualify myself as belonging here.  

The relatives of alcoholics, when gathered together for mutual aid, may call themselves an Al-Anon Family Group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliation. The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.

So, remember, some don't understand even the basic concepts of Al-Anon yet... So just love on them, let them be babies, let them have their moments of self pity, woe is me, and say to yourself..."By only the Grace of God, there go I".  Remember when you thought they way a newcomer does, felt the way a newcomer does, looked and acted like a newcomer does... and let yourself smile for growing up with the help of others, and aim to be the others that they will grow up with.  Newcomers, heads up... the road in front of you has some hidden pot holes, and low laying branches to bang your head on while on this journey.  Listen to the elders, they have already discovered them and can possibly help guide you around them.

Less than 20 post, more than 3000, even 4000... and no one is excluded from being special.  We all are.  There is no big I's and little U's here.  We meet on common ground, to support and help each other recover from the ongoing effects of loving an alcoholic.  There is probably nothing that requires more strength than that in the arena of love, it imcompasses a whole spectrum of facets.  Some happy, some so sad that to just think of them brings a tear to the eyes.  

Let's all, at this stage of our development as individuals and as a group, just allow ourselves to love each other.  We are not the enemy.

Help me end this thread by simply saying ditto, so it doesn't have to be closed.  A newcomer seeing this exchange above would likely be more confused after reading it than they were when they got here.  LOL

Sit back, and digest... no need to respond.

I love you.  Each of you.  Everyone of you.

No one gets left out here if they are real about trying to heal and recover themselves.

John

Well said John--- Thank you.