I have tried to google this but feel I'm the only one. My husband quit drinking last year. I never realized he had a problem. I knew he drank but he was a fun, happy drunk. Since he's been sober, he's more quiet, social anxiety more pronounced, and depressed. He is a wonderful man and great husband and father. But now that he's not drinking, it's limited our social activities because of his social anxiety and he can't be around people who drink. I now find him kinda boring and miss the fun, happy, loose guy from before. Will this feeling end? I still have drinks with friends (maybe once every other week or so, no more than 2 drinks or I just get sick or sleepy) but now he doesn't come. He can't go to parties or social events because of his social anxiety that he used to drink away. I am extremely extroverted and knew he was on the shy side but now that he's sober I didn't realize just how much of an introvert he is. I'm love him dearly but resent this change. He decided to stop drinking without including me in the process and sharing with me that he thought he had a problem. He would go to AA meetings in secret and I resent that he just suddenly decided to change our lifestyle. And now I feel like I have to get to know this stranger. We go to couples counseling which helps but I grieve the old life we had, all the fun things we did (we fell in love in grad school over drinks and going out) and miss the happier social person. 

Welcome to MIP.  As a mother of an AS, the x wife of a deceased A, and a sister to several siblings all with this disease, I can say with all sincerity that you are blessed to have a husband who recognized he had a problem with alcohol and went for help before the disease progressed significantly to the stages that can include and are not limited to hallucinations, raging, violence, early morning rantings, seizures, multiple trips to detox, rehab and emergency rooms, jails or prisons.  I do suggest you consider attending Al-Anon meetings which can help you get through the feelings of loss you are currently experiencing because your husband can no longer be in the company of people who drink.  That can change in a few years, but until its no longer a trigger for him, being around alcohol or people who are drinking alcohol from what you've written is too much a temptation for him.  Al-Anon can help you in so many ways and I highly recommend its supportive environment for you especially with the knowledge that he is saving his life in AA and that will be his top priority for awhile.  The Al-Anon program for you will give you a place to vent and to listen to others who have been there or are still there.

We suggest attending at least 6 meetings before you decide if Al-Anon is right for you.  We can feel out of place at first because it sounds like a foreign language sometimes when we first hear people speaking.  We have members whose spouses have stopped drinking and their sobriety has created changes for their spouses.  You are not alone.  There are others who have had those same experiences and have felt guilty and ashamed, too.  The meetings help a lot with that, too.

Dear Lady

I get what u say about hes a "stranger"  but this stranger , if he stays sober, stays in meetings and gets healthy will be able to grow into an old man one day, not dying a slow, horrible death....thank goodness he knew he had an addiction and did something about it...I applaud him...I respect him for doing it

I had TWO alcoholic husbands and even tho the first one was a jerk, anyway, the 2nd one, I could have stayed with, enjoyed life with, even if he was "quieter" or a "stranger" at first, he would be sane and alive...healthy and able.....i hope you hang out in the alanon meets and get to know the other folks in there..I am sure you are not alone in being a bit rattled by the change, but really...what is the alternative??? he goes back to drinking and "fun" and he sentences himself to a slow, painful, horrible death...I know..I saw my mother die from that stuff.....it aint pretty and the insanity and bleeding internally they do at the end???? raging, ranting, out of their minds,  their insides disolving????  I would not go through that again for anyone...

alanon meets and working the program will show you that sober is waaay more fun and less hazzardous to the health....the disease is progressive...sure he was "fun" back then, in the earlier stages,  but the fun would come to a stop and trust me, you wouldn't want to see your worst enemy, who is addicted, drinking....i used to drink...i stopped...i want my health and i was social, fun drinker...now i have just as much if not more b/c its real fun.....and my friendships and personal life in general isn't "seasoned" by this substance that is a mind altering substance.....

I do hope you give alanon a chance...thanks for sharing.......Peace

Dear Lady Welcome,  I agree with all that has been shared and would just like to add that living with the disease of alcoholism affects everyone. AA is the recovery program for the person who drinks and alanon is the recovery program for family members.

Alcoholism is a dreadful, progressive, chronic, fatal disease that can be arrested but never cured. I am pleased that your husband is pursuing recovery in AA and is working on saving his life.

Alanon offers constructive tools to family members who feel lost because of the change in life style and who experience difficulty in relating to a newly sober person. It took me nearly 2 years to adjust to my husband once he gained sobriety --since I was so happy that he was sober it was well worth it
I urge you to search out alanon meetings and attend.  There is life after drinking

Your husband is newly sober.  A year isn't very long as compared to staying sober the rest of his life.  The first year is an incredible milestone and hugely celebrated in AA. I understand your disappointment about socializing but I applaud him for having the foresight to know he couldn't control his drinking and choosing to seek help. He realized it was a compulsion not an option. Whether he's a miserable drunk or the life of the party, the end is the same... death from drinking or illnesses caused by it or consequences of it.

If you like socializing, people in recovery often host parties.  I'm with someone sober and have really enjoyed going to parties at the homes of people in AA and also in Alanon.  People enjoy conversation, dancing, food, games, music, sports activities... the only thing missing is the booze. 

It is a different life to be with a sober alcoholic.  Alcoholism is a very serious illness that can be arrested but not cured. He may seem like fun today but with progression of the alcoholism, alcoholics become less and less fun very very physically and emotionally ill.

I hope you give Alanon another try.  Wishing you both the best with your recoveries.   TT 

hi, I knew my husband almost all my life. When we were married, he had years of being on strong recovery. Was a great husband, friend. Cool guy. but could be boring as heck.

Several times I thought I wish he would just get drunk and be fun. NOW i never told him or really meant it. but I do relate with you.

My grandparents were married over 70 years. Let me tell you we all go thru changes. That is part of life, that is the work we put in to keep our marriages going.

I don't relate to resenting since I know people change, they don't do it against anyone else. It was not personal. I always did stuff on week ends. He was like yours introverted. So I changed me. We stayed home and worked on our five

acre place together, held hands and watched movies, i compromised to be with the husband I adored. We were happy. he took me to the movies once, big mistake. lol he fell asleep and let out this huge snore! lol

his recovery was tunnel vision. he had to have a set routine to keep on his program. Even though he was in recovery, he needed to know where to get a drink if he had to have one. So going to the beach was a huge mistake. Beach house trip. was awful.

So I hope you can find compromises. Believe me it is no fun being alone, and the next one may really be worse.

Nothing like a man you have history with. If he loves you, wow hang on to him tight. hugs

Thanks for your input. You've made a few assumptions in your comment so I'll clarify. My husband is not "cramping my style" but I do miss the way he was more outgoing and and social. He's amazing that he allows me to do the things I want to do (which isn't always getting together for drinks), but I miss him at family or social events where there is alcohol. I just miss being able to spend the time with him we used to and it's been an adjustment on how to be social and be a couple with those changes. 

I'm his partner and it hurt that he was going to AA and didn't want me to be part of his recovery. He's often been the person to do things on his own, not realizing that I'm here to help, and I want to help. So if I had known, I would have supported him going to AA. We are not a couple who seeks each other's approval. We support the choices we make and try give each other input not permission. So it hurt that he felt he couldn't do that with me in this area. 

My husband is not a weak person. He's his own person. He has never been weak, even though sadly he sometimes feels that way about himself. I would never want to be with someone who I want to mold or I wouldn't have any respect for them as a partner. I don't want him to change to suit me. I am just grieving the loss and change. So thanks for adding on to the shame though.

pinkchip wrote:

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If he had anxiety so bad that he felt he had to drink to get through outings, parties and gathering....that is sad. Alcohol is not the proper medication to deal with that. I had to relearn how to be social in sobriety. I spent a little over a year avoiding parties and places with lots of alcohol or where drinking was the main focus. To me, getting together "for drinks" is about the silliest way to spend time with friends since it cost a ton of money, is bad for your health and everyone gets tipsy and some get plastered and you aren't really connecting. I suspect your husbands sobriety is cramping your style because now you also have to take a look at yourself, the ways you have "fun" and what you consider to be a fun and exciting lifestyle.

Some anxiety while learning to relate to people sober is normal for a newly sober person. If it is at the state of panic and his avoidance is not just due to not wanting to be around drinkers, he may need outside help. You also acted like his going to AA without your approval was a slight of some sort. Why should you be consulted about someone's choice to tend to their own health in positive ways? Do you expect your husband's permission to do things you need to do for your health?

I also suspect there is denial and enabling here because if you keep someone sick and doped up, you can mold them into whatever you want. They stay weak and you dominate them. Your husband now is free from booze to figure out who he really is. I do understand that is a scary proposition for you because who he really is as a more mature and sober person might not be someone compatible with you.

So alanon would help to address those fears. Also, everyone there is really connected because they all have wanted to change and focus on someone else to make themselves happy. You are doing just that as well....wanting him to change to suit you rather than work through his issues in a healthy way.

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Thanks. Glad to hear it's a shared experience. It's nice to not feel alone. I'll get through it and this helps. 

Thanks! Overall he is an awesome loving wonderful person. I know I'm lucky. Yes, marriage has it's compromises. I always tell him, "I'll keep trying as long as he keeps trying."

Hi lady,

I like your points above. You are writing the reasons that we in Al Anon think it is important for us to have our own recovery system. People who understand us. While your husband is recovering, you can do some recovering yourself, spend the time apart learning about yourselves so that you are stronger together. That is what I have done with my recovering wife. In fact, there are a few AA meetings that have Al Anon meetings at the same time in the same building. We have gotten to know a few couples who are both going to meetings too.

I love the way you are saying "We support the choices we make and try give each other input not permission." That sounds like recovery talk right there. And my wife and I have become more and more like that as we both recover. Hopefully your husband can gain some more confidence in this area and you can get back to feeling like you give each other input.

Kenny

I am sorry you experienced more shame and so glad you replied with clarification.  One of the pitfalls of communicating without visual cues is the missing of the non verbal cues and instant dialogue.  I understand the hurt you felt when your husband did not bring you into his world.  My husband does not share much.  Early in his recovery I felt left out, and, occasionally I still do.  It took us a few years to adjust to a new normal.  It sounds like you have a lot of love and respect for him and that will serve you well 

Thanks for responding. I'm sorry for being curt. I appreciate what you've shared and your honesty. 

pinkchip wrote:

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Sorry TheLady - I think I over-Identified with your husband at the expense of you. I am in AA and went that route before coming here. Drinking caused much pain and turned me into an emotional invalid and I did go through a very awkward and scared and severely anxious phase for the first year. I was thinking about your husband and his fragile 1 year of sobriety and not even thinking what it must be like to be you. All your points are valid and I was making assumptions. I was also in a relationship with another alcoholic but I had to stop drinking and leave the relationship because the other person's desire to drink was never going to end (it seemed and is still that way from what I hear years later) and it was going to make me getting sober impossible for me. Just because you miss some elements of your previous lifestyle does not mean you were like my drunken qualifier who I had to leave just to get sober myself. I interjected my personal crap into the response upon reflection. I hope you do come back and keep sharing. And as long as I'm being honest, there were fun times drinking for me...it just turned into an absolute nightmare. Generally, I think you will find a lot of "anti-alcohol" folks in alanon just because of what it may have done to them and their loved ones. Sometimes I forget that normal drinking perfectly fine....for NORMAL drinkers....which I am not. I don't understand it, never will and that's why I am an alcoholic that had to get sober. So my judgments about normal drinking (1 or 2 drinks) really come from not understanding it at all since I could never do that. I also apologize for that.

I am so pro-AA and pro-Sobriety that I got blindsided and was absolutely not objective. I am sorry.

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Thanks for sharing your story. 

Aloha (((Lady))) welcome also from the Pacific.  Thanks for the share as it turns me back to face my own recovery in Al-Anon and AA from this disease I was born and raised in.  Understanding the chemical was important for me and once I did I understood more.  I came to understand it with attending college.  Alcohol is hugely powerful and is a mind and mood altering chemical.  It is also legal where other chemicals are not and so the social acceptance also became important for me to know.  Learning that it wasn't milk or diet pepsi or root beet had me looking further than a lot of other family and friends would and when I came to understand it became more than just okay for me to abstain even though I didn't think and was in fact told by my family of origin that I wasn't having a problem.  People who take up drinking alcohol almost never read the labels or look into what it is.  It is a chemical depressant and so while it seems to relieve social anxiety it will cause and contribute to depression.   There are so many suicides caused by just the chemical itself with only one reason being that it will create or alter the perception that life is okay and worth living and then add hallucinations and blackouts and dementia and many more problems like cancers and such over time.  The fun part is early while the tragedies grow over time until insanity and death arrive.

Denial of the family also makes it worse as I know from experience.  My family never ever liked the "A" word and they still don't feel good about me being sober and not hanging out in drinking situations.  Not my problem...I'm on borrowed time cause alcohol should have claimed me a long time ago while the family was wanting me to drink with them.  Also my last wife was alcoholic/addict and I didn't want her to be one too.  She was in AA and asked my feedback on whether she was an alcoholic or not and I told her no.  As the program promises I sent her back out again and anything we had left as far as family and material stuff ended like it was predicted.  The AMA definition of alcoholism says that it can never be cured only arrested by total abstinence...This is a lifetime progressive disease and if not arrested will result in insanity and death.  I've seen more than enough of both of those in my lifetime which includes time as a therapist in the recovery industry.

Can you have the fun without the chemical?  Being fun loving has or should have nothing to do with chemical altering of mind and mood.  Today I have much more legitimate fun without alcohol than when I use to drink.  I never have hangovers, blackouts, red outs, hallucinations or chemical dementia anymore plus a lot of other sober stuff that normal people have and do.

Will your husband feel resistant to having you attend open AA meetings with or without him?  That is a great source of information.  Al-Anon is for me the greatest source for change.

Go read the label on a booze bottle and if there is any warning at all I'll bet it is for pregnant women only...if they attached a warning label to each bottle the book would be larger than the bottle itself.   Keep coming back.   ((((hugs))))  

Thank you!

Welcome Lady. When my wife told me she was an alcoholic I didn't believe her. She pretty much had to convince me. After that I became very angry and then started going to Al-Anon. She was behaving differently and going to meetings all the time. It was an unwelcome change. I had never viewed her drinking as a problem but definitely felt her sobriety was a problem in some ways. 

I too haven't heard any others say this and have felt alone in this regard. I've felt like I must be even more messed up than my A to be so upset after she stopped. Most people I've met had been going crazy wishing their loved one would quit drinking. But, I think this also highlights just how much the disease of alcoholism can twist and manipulate everyone's thoughts and perceptions. It is impossible to live with an alcoholic and not be affected. I highly recommend going to some meetings.