this seems like such a small thing, but i was really happy with how it worked out.
last weekend i played poker with some friends, one of whom is a former manager of mine. he is a much better poker player than i am, and at one point during the game he predicted i was about to make a stupid move, and he used a tone of voice i didn't like to warn me i shouldn't do what i was about to do.
well, i was in fact about to do what he thought i was going to do. but, it was like a switch flipped when he used that tone of voice, and i immediately protested that i wasn't about to do that at all, and by the way could he please not snap at me? the moment kind of fizzled and the game went on from there.
since then i have seen him twice, and i've felt this nagging sense of guilt about how i responded. especially since i outright lied about what i was about to do - quite spontaneously, even, without even thinking about it. like it was a reflex.
so i thought today about how alanon teaches us to keep our own side of the street clean, and not worry about anyone else's. yes, he had snapped at me. but i had also lied and done a bit of snapping of my own. so i sent him a note today, to apologize for my behavior. i didn't needle him for snapping in the first place. i owned up to my side, and left it.
i just got a note back from him, telling me how he had been bothered by his behavior, too, and how that kind of response is something he knows he needs to work on.
phew. no more guilt. no hard feelings. and i think we both learned a good lesson about communication. so simple, but man, is it ever hard sometimes.
just me said
Jan 19, 2006
Pixie,
Thanx for posting. So often in the past I have let relationships fall away from me because of situations and feelings like you described. I lost a very good friend because of my messy street. Thanks for reminding me to always sweep up!
Julia
UncleLou said
Jan 19, 2006
Isn't 'lying' part of playing poker? I can rationalize ANYTHING.
angelinme908 said
Jan 19, 2006
Thank you for sharing this experience Pixel. It is a great reminder to not let things fester - taking the first step may be hard but often helps both people involved to heal faster.
Angelina
Jill said
Jan 19, 2006
LOL@Lou
nmike said
Jan 20, 2006
Thanks so much for your share. I had 3 similar situations this fall. I thought these people were mad a me for something I did or said. How codependent is that? But using Alanon principles I faced all 3 people head on. So all were revolved to the comfort of both of us. They were really miss understandings and/or about something else. But what I did that was different for me was that I said I was wrong!
this seems like such a small thing, but i was really happy with how it worked out.
last weekend i played poker with some friends, one of whom is a former manager of mine. he is a much better poker player than i am, and at one point during the game he predicted i was about to make a stupid move, and he used a tone of voice i didn't like to warn me i shouldn't do what i was about to do.
well, i was in fact about to do what he thought i was going to do. but, it was like a switch flipped when he used that tone of voice, and i immediately protested that i wasn't about to do that at all, and by the way could he please not snap at me? the moment kind of fizzled and the game went on from there.
since then i have seen him twice, and i've felt this nagging sense of guilt about how i responded. especially since i outright lied about what i was about to do - quite spontaneously, even, without even thinking about it. like it was a reflex.
so i thought today about how alanon teaches us to keep our own side of the street clean, and not worry about anyone else's. yes, he had snapped at me. but i had also lied and done a bit of snapping of my own. so i sent him a note today, to apologize for my behavior. i didn't needle him for snapping in the first place. i owned up to my side, and left it.
i just got a note back from him, telling me how he had been bothered by his behavior, too, and how that kind of response is something he knows he needs to work on.
phew. no more guilt. no hard feelings. and i think we both learned a good lesson about communication. so simple, but man, is it ever hard sometimes.
Pixie,
Thanx for posting. So often in the past I have let relationships fall away from me because of situations and feelings like you described. I lost a very good friend because of my messy street. Thanks for reminding me to always sweep up!
Julia
Thank you for sharing this experience Pixel. It is a great reminder to not let things fester - taking the first step may be hard but often helps both people involved to heal faster.
Angelina
Thanks so much for your share. I had 3 similar situations this fall. I thought these people were mad a me for something I did or said. How codependent is that? But using Alanon principles I faced all 3 people head on. So all were revolved to the comfort of both of us. They were really miss understandings and/or about something else. But what I did that was different for me was that I said I was wrong!
I liked that you made the first move.
In support,
Nancy