Firstly, I would like to thank everyone who replied to my post yesterday. It gave me some insight and of course, we all have our opinions and it helps to have different feedbacks. I haven't used your replies to make a decision of course on how I will continue living with an A since my situation is a little different (I think) than many who live or has lived with an A. Like I said, mine is a great provider financially, a wonderful moral support and very considerate and thoughtful and loving....but he is still an A! I wanted to know if I should let him know that I am seeking support on here since I felt I was quite alone dealing with his drinking. I am scared he will get upset. I was thinking that maybe if I told him that this was getting serious, so serious that I needed to get help myself for HIS drinking and that reading other people's story that just maybe it would enlighted him. Any feedback, past experience with this subject would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks
Nathalie
Jennifer said
Jan 19, 2006
Hello Nat,
Welcome! In my experience telling my A I was involved in Al Anon, and even showing him some of my writings was not positive. It ended up being used to manipulate my feelings and actions. He is also well versed in recovery terms and used that to judge my program. I realized I had told/shown him to try to manipulate him into getting what I wanted and that made me feel bad later. Now I keep it to myself, it is a program to help me first. If that in turn helps him great, if not I am still becoming a better version of myself.
Jennifer
rosie light shines said
Jan 19, 2006
YOU________Like I said, mine is a great provider financially, a wonderful moral support and very considerate and thoughtful and loving....but he is still an A! I wanted to know if I should let him know that I am seeking support on here since I felt I was quite alone dealing with his drinking. I am scared he will get upset. I was thinking that maybe if I told him that this was getting serious, so serious that I needed to get help myself for HIS drinking and that reading other people's story that just maybe it would enlighted him
ROSIE_________i would say "gee i am getting GR8 help on the miracles in progress board and they DO have an AA board that is great......would U like any info on it??" and than drop it...that is what i would do...... i would NOT go with any gr8 **expectations** as to his "jumping in and getting into recovery" he could respond positively...he could not.....but with alkies, i do NOT carry ANY **expectations** cuz they are gonna do what they want to do...and i am POWERLESS.....take what u want..leave the rest...rosie
she123 said
Jan 19, 2006
Nathalie, I've just read your two messages and the replies. Welcome to Alanon.
I can't add to what was said in response to your first post, so I'll restrict my comments to your last question.... 'should I tell him.....'
I was married to an alcoholic for over 40 years, sadly he died last October. I still don't know if I did the right thing by staying - it certainly damaged my two daughters and grandchildren and me. I have been a grateful member of Alanon for many years now but I can still remember how scared I was to tell him I was going to meetings. Six months previously my eldest daughter and I had been scared to tell him that she had started going to AA!!!! How crazy is that?!!! The first three times I went to a meeting I lied about where I was going, then I ran out of excuses and eventually found the courage and told him I had started going to Alanon and left it at that. I didn't say I was going because of him and his drinking. I didn't elaborate in any way. He hardly commented, in fact he seemed to be disinterested. OK, as time went on and I continued to attend meetings he made sarcastic comments such as "are you going to the 'All-Alone Club'. That was quite witty wasn't it, and made me laugh. But sadly he was the one who was alone. He with only his bottle of whiskey for company.
We are not here to give advice in Alanon. All we can do is relate our own story. So all I can say to you is that I tried not to use Alanon as a 'weapon' -- [hoping he would worry about me sufficiently to stop drinking]. This Twelve Step Programme is an honest programme. I aim at being able to look at myself in the mirror and examine my motives for doing or saying things. At the beginning I possibly had a tiny hope that he might see the light, but I very quickly accepted that wouldn't happen.
When I first went to Alanon meetings and heard other people describing what their alcoholics did, I couldn't relate. My husband was never late for work, never physically abusive, never in debt. My image of an alcoholic was someone who looked like a tramp and drank cider and meths down at the riverside near my home. But the disease of alcoholism is everywhere in every class and culture.
If someone's drinking is troubling you, then Alanon is a good place to be. I struggled for many many years not understanding what was happening.
But I haven't answered your question.....'should I tell him'...... Only you can decide on that one, but don't expect him to respond the way you would wish him to. "Expectations lead to Resentments".... an Alanon slogan. Stay with Alanon for YOUR sake, not his. I hope and pray that if he has a drink problem then he will seek his own recovery. Only he can do that and nothing you do or say will have any effect.
I hope to see you in the Chatroom. I rarely attend the evening meetings as I am in the UK and five hours ahead of Eastern time, so I'm usually tucked up in bed by then.
Stay strong Nathalie and take care of you. Sheila [she123]
lin0606 said
Jan 19, 2006
Only help I can give here is that it can always be helpful to examine your motives. If you tell him hoping that it will kickstart him into making changes, then telling is probably not a good idea. If you tell for reasons having to do with YOU, rather than him, then it might be. For instance, you tell because you do not feel comfortable lying, or you tell because that's the kind of relationship you have, tell each other everything. Make the decision based on YOU, not on him. To me the fundamental alanon principle is "keep the focus on you".
maresie said
Jan 19, 2006
Alexandrite: We practice the 3 Cs here do you know them.
I come here for me not as an example to some A of how bad it can get. Alcoholics need to go to AA not to Al-anon until well they are ready to address other behaviors that set them up for drinking. People who live with alcoholics come here. We come here for "us" not for them. We come here not to try to find ways to get them into recovery but for us to look at our issues.
I have spent a lot of energy trying to get the A to change. Now I gave up. But I hold him totally responsible for his behavior. He doesn't want to be responsible for anything ever (neither did I but that's another story). If someone is drinking and it is out of control they know it they don't need it to be pointed out to them, there is a lot of evidence in his life his drinking is out of control. For whatever reason he continues to use.
That's a painful place to be I know. I am sick of looking at it but only when I accept the reality the A is an a that's it. I can live with him or leave him or prepare to leave him but I will not change him. Only he can change him when he wants to.
Firstly, I would like to thank everyone who replied to my post yesterday. It gave me some insight and of course, we all have our opinions and it helps to have different feedbacks. I haven't used your replies to make a decision of course on how I will continue living with an A since my situation is a little different (I think) than many who live or has lived with an A. Like I said, mine is a great provider financially, a wonderful moral support and very considerate and thoughtful and loving....but he is still an A! I wanted to know if I should let him know that I am seeking support on here since I felt I was quite alone dealing with his drinking. I am scared he will get upset. I was thinking that maybe if I told him that this was getting serious, so serious that I needed to get help myself for HIS drinking and that reading other people's story that just maybe it would enlighted him. Any feedback, past experience with this subject would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks
Nathalie
Hello Nat,
Welcome! In my experience telling my A I was involved in Al Anon, and even showing him some of my writings was not positive. It ended up being used to manipulate my feelings and actions. He is also well versed in recovery terms and used that to judge my program. I realized I had told/shown him to try to manipulate him into getting what I wanted and that made me feel bad later. Now I keep it to myself, it is a program to help me first. If that in turn helps him great, if not I am still becoming a better version of myself.
Jennifer
YOU________Like I said, mine is a great provider financially, a wonderful moral support and very considerate and thoughtful and loving....but he is still an A! I wanted to know if I should let him know that I am seeking support on here since I felt I was quite alone dealing with his drinking. I am scared he will get upset. I was thinking that maybe if I told him that this was getting serious, so serious that I needed to get help myself for HIS drinking and that reading other people's story that just maybe it would enlighted him
ROSIE_________i would say "gee i am getting GR8 help on the miracles in progress board and they DO have an AA board that is great......would U like any info on it??" and than drop it...that is what i would do...... i would NOT go with any gr8 **expectations** as to his "jumping in and getting into recovery" he could respond positively...he could not.....but with alkies, i do NOT carry ANY **expectations** cuz they are gonna do what they want to do...and i am POWERLESS.....take what u want..leave the rest...rosie
Nathalie, I've just read your two messages and the replies. Welcome to Alanon.
I can't add to what was said in response to your first post, so I'll restrict my comments to your last question.... 'should I tell him.....'
I was married to an alcoholic for over 40 years, sadly he died last October. I still don't know if I did the right thing by staying - it certainly damaged my two daughters and grandchildren and me. I have been a grateful member of Alanon for many years now but I can still remember how scared I was to tell him I was going to meetings. Six months previously my eldest daughter and I had been scared to tell him that she had started going to AA!!!! How crazy is that?!!! The first three times I went to a meeting I lied about where I was going, then I ran out of excuses and eventually found the courage and told him I had started going to Alanon and left it at that. I didn't say I was going because of him and his drinking. I didn't elaborate in any way. He hardly commented, in fact he seemed to be disinterested. OK, as time went on and I continued to attend meetings he made sarcastic comments such as "are you going to the 'All-Alone Club'. That was quite witty wasn't it, and made me laugh. But sadly he was the one who was alone. He with only his bottle of whiskey for company.
We are not here to give advice in Alanon. All we can do is relate our own story. So all I can say to you is that I tried not to use Alanon as a 'weapon' -- [hoping he would worry about me sufficiently to stop drinking]. This Twelve Step Programme is an honest programme. I aim at being able to look at myself in the mirror and examine my motives for doing or saying things. At the beginning I possibly had a tiny hope that he might see the light, but I very quickly accepted that wouldn't happen.
When I first went to Alanon meetings and heard other people describing what their alcoholics did, I couldn't relate. My husband was never late for work, never physically abusive, never in debt. My image of an alcoholic was someone who looked like a tramp and drank cider and meths down at the riverside near my home. But the disease of alcoholism is everywhere in every class and culture.
If someone's drinking is troubling you, then Alanon is a good place to be. I struggled for many many years not understanding what was happening.
But I haven't answered your question.....'should I tell him'...... Only you can decide on that one, but don't expect him to respond the way you would wish him to. "Expectations lead to Resentments".... an Alanon slogan. Stay with Alanon for YOUR sake, not his. I hope and pray that if he has a drink problem then he will seek his own recovery. Only he can do that and nothing you do or say will have any effect.
I hope to see you in the Chatroom. I rarely attend the evening meetings as I am in the UK and five hours ahead of Eastern time, so I'm usually tucked up in bed by then.
Stay strong Nathalie and take care of you. Sheila [she123]
Alexandrite: We practice the 3 Cs here do you know them.
I come here for me not as an example to some A of how bad it can get. Alcoholics need to go to AA not to Al-anon until well they are ready to address other behaviors that set them up for drinking. People who live with alcoholics come here. We come here for "us" not for them. We come here not to try to find ways to get them into recovery but for us to look at our issues.
I have spent a lot of energy trying to get the A to change. Now I gave up. But I hold him totally responsible for his behavior. He doesn't want to be responsible for anything ever (neither did I but that's another story). If someone is drinking and it is out of control they know it they don't need it to be pointed out to them, there is a lot of evidence in his life his drinking is out of control. For whatever reason he continues to use.
That's a painful place to be I know. I am sick of looking at it but only when I accept the reality the A is an a that's it. I can live with him or leave him or prepare to leave him but I will not change him. Only he can change him when he wants to.
Maresie.