like i have told many of you...i have epilepsy & therefore do not drive. so i can't get to the meetings. i think maybe this is an excuse for not going. i thought about it today, and realized i think i am ashamed. i want to speak out about my situation, but i don't want anyone to know how much it bugs me. how embarassing to actually say "in public" that my family has been turned upside down b/c my dad chose drinking. i feel like people wonder why we weren't strong enough to stick around to help him quit. the truth is that he doesn't want to quit. we have always been very supportive and had the "all american" family. i hate the fact that i feel ashamed that i couldn't keep my family together, and i can't help but blame him also for tearing it apart.

i think if i really tried i could get someone to watch my 2 kids and find a ride.but like i said, it's just an excuse. so b/c of my shame i am not ready to go into face to face public. for now i think i am making some progress, but i'm not sure if i can take it to the next level.

thanks for listening

   flintfeet

Flint, i am sad for you that you feel so ashamed. I know how you feel. I had to do everything I possibly could before I could let go of my A. I had to know that nothing I could do would help him. There is NOTHING we can do to help an A. Nothing. You could handcuff yourself to him and it would make no differenct. He would still be A, and as soon as you uncuffed, he would probably use. What makes us think we can change an A is beyond me. We cannot change an A's passion anymore than we can change an Olympic swimmers desire to swim. Someone could try all they might, but no one will ever take away my passion and curiosity for living things. NOTHING. What is your passion? I mean that one thing that drives you? Sadly the A's passion hurts those around them. But we cannot change it even though it damages and is not healthy. Sometimes, rarely A's get on a program and find other passions. Workaholic is one, my A was definitely that when he was in recovery from alcohol and other drugs. Some are fortunate to find a less damaging passion. Most tend to go back to their drug of choice however. I won't say don't be ashamed. Only you can work on that. HOn for seven years I carried around the guilt about my first husband dieing. It was my fault becuz i did not get him to AA. It was my fault we had a fight, on and on. Then one day I realized that my A would have fortgiven me for the fight. and my guilt went away. I realized his being A was out of my control. It was not my fault. I did go to alanon, but was told to leave him....that was over twenty year ago. I was shocked and never went back. Anyway please work on you, he is who he is. If you can, love him in an unconditional way. sending you a hug, love,debilyn

Oh, Flintfeet!

Your post really touched my heart. I can really hear how much this situation with your dad pains and hurts you.

When I was a kid, I attended Alateen. The primary feeling I remember from those meetings and my growing up was shame about my dad's drinking. I was so ashamed, I didn't want to talk about my dad or our homelife, and didn't for many years, even with my closest friends.

Recently, due to some unmaneability in my own life, I decided to give Alanon a try. I was amazed how much my feelings had changed since going to Alateen. Instead of shame, I just feel absolutely greatful that there's somewhere where I can go to hear people tell it like it IS.

The honesty, the tears, the laughter of the meetings have been a god-send during a very trying time in my life. When I'm in a meeting, I feel such compassion for how hard it is to be human, and how hard it can be to suffer from the impact of this disease. As I feel compassion for the other members, I also begin to feel compassion for myself. I feel compassion for how hard I've been on myself, and for all the shame I've felt as I've tried to cope with my father's Aism on my own without a beloved community.

I encourage you to be gentle with yourself, and take baby-steps. I hope that eventually you do try a meeting and see if it is right for you.

I have found a home in Alanon, and I hope that you might, too.

Bluecloud.

Hi Flintfeet,

That is what I am dealing with right now. My husband has left and what I feel is shame and embarassment that what I thought we had is not there. That we are not the happy couple, that I couldn't hold it together. And for my father, I feel shame that he drank and that people knew and that we weren't the all-american family, not that there is one. I really think that you can make it to an Alanon meeting. It is like going home.

In support,

Nancy

awwwwwwww Flint , no need for you to be ashamed like many of us we took on the guilt and shame of alcoholism but is't not ours to carry, Your not the reason they drink it s noting u did or didn't do.  I know u love your dad you just want it to stop ,  we do all the wrong things for the right reasons. I know i sure did.

Forgive yourself  and I just bet if u call ed a local Al-Anon contact thre is someone going right past your door who would love to pick u up for ameeting.

No need to worry about meetings they aren't exactly public  hehe, annonymity is a major part of our program so it is a safe place to share how u feel. with people who understand you. Everyone in that room is there for the same reason you are, they love an alcoholic.

And it's ok to love an alcoholic.  (hugs)   Louise

Just want to repeat what abyyal said - everyone is there for the same reason, and has felt some of what you feel. I found it enormously empowering to say things out loud at a meeting that I had never said before. Just saying the words seems to take away a lot of their power - things that had hurt me for years seemed to hurt less, as soon as I spoke about them. Newcomers to this program sometimes find it frustrating that we try not to give advice, and don't always understand meeting protocol - no cross talk, often no commmenting at all on what someone has said in meeting. However, the reason is right there in your post. People are ashamed, they are hurting, they are afraid to say what they really feel for fear of the reaction of others. In alanon, the meeting is supposed to be a safe place, where no one will tell you what to do, or tell you what you should or should not be feeling. Most of us first come to the program with such a mixture of hate and love for the A in our hearts. Everything that is said in a meeting stays there - my husband and I both go to our own meetings, and I don't even know anything about his, and he doesn't know anything about mine. We talk about the program, but we do not talk about the people.

FLINT__________ i feel like people wonder why we weren't strong enough to stick around to help him quit. the truth is that he doesn't want to quit. we have always been very supportive and had the "all american" family. i hate the fact that i feel ashamed that i couldn't keep my family together, and i can't help but blame him also for tearing it apart.

 

ROSIE_____ boy when i was a kid, i thought , on my teeny little shoulders, i was responsible for my mom's drinking......"srong enoug to sitck around and help him quit??"   yep sounds like me......NOW, i look back and i NEVER had any power to help her quit....it was HER choice...HER life...i had NO power to do anything....and now???  my plate is chock full trying to take care of me...i cannot  to careTAKING  for anyone!!!   carGIVING??  yes,  i can show compassion/  sadness at their plight...but the end is........i am powerless over their behaviour....... u had NO way of keeping ur family together...i am soo sorry u feel this burden on u.....the MOST we can do is  love them/ feel compassion/  loving DETACHEMENT.....hell,  i can't even take care of  ME sometimes...that is why i cling to my program.....cuz i KNOW,  w/out this program and my hp, i can just take care of me  and that is ONE day at at time.....i am sorry u feel this burden that is NOT yours.......peace/ rosie

Flint, I've just read your post and the wonderful replies.... I can't add any other words of wisdom to them.

But i do want to add my support and try to reassure you that you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.  Alcoholism is a horrible destructive disease which effects so many families throughout the world.

Each and every one of us who contribute to this website understand exactly what you are going through.  You are with friends and when you decide to attend a f2f Alanon meeting in your home town, you will find friends there too.

You are not alone.    Stay strong and take care of you.    Sheila [she123 from the UK]

Remember that it is natural to want to keep the "family secret".  But by being able to open up and share as you do here, you are on the road to recovery.  Continue to pray for the courage to change the things you can.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

Angelina