i am not sure about how to start the right way of changing things. i have no contact with my dad, so i no longer inable him. it's hard for me b/c i have 2 kids (1yr &3yr) that LOVE papaw. i am strong and too proud of a person to go back on my word to have contact with him. although i feel like i am taking their grandpa away. but at the same time, i don't want them growing up watching him stumble around and watch him pass out in the middle of the thanksgiving feast that i spent all day making.
i know that people probably think sound angry about the whole situation and to be honest i am. i know it's not about him, it's about what i can control, but i can't seem to control how upset i am and how he could choose his very loving and supportive family for drinking beer all day and watching tv. it is mind blowing and screwed up.
but where do i begin?
jrtjosey said
Jan 18, 2006
Step 1- admitting we are powerless over alcohol and that our lives have become unmangeable.
Find literature and local meetings.
your on your way, you are looking for answers!!
josey
canadianguy said
Jan 18, 2006
First of all, welcome, and hope you find lots of great E,S, & H on this board. I don't know the answer as to "where to start", other than to suggest the grassroots..... You work on you right now, gain insight, understanding, around the disease, it's effects on your father AND the effects that it has had on you....
Over time, perhaps, you may find a way to allow "Papaw" back into your kids lives.... Right now, you are setting a boundary for yourself, and for your kids, that is perhaps for the best... Remember it is up to HIM, if he wants to see his grandkids, he just hasta be sober.
Take care
Tom
bobump said
Jan 18, 2006
Flintfeet,
Welcome to MIP and welcome to Alanon. I'm glad that you found us.
Right way? Wrong way? What is right for one might not be right for others. There are some basics though that you've heard from others in the other posts you had.
One of the first things you'll hear as a new alanoner our our 3Cs. We didn't Cause it. We can't Control it. We can't Cure it. From the combination of your posts, it sounds like you are grasping that.
I can only speak for myself, but after having some stages of relative serenity, I have found myself angry more often lately. I think it might be because I feel like I'm at a cross roads with my A. I feel like I'm at a point where it's time to make a decision. Quite honestly, I don't want to make any decision. I guess I don't have to. But if I don't, then I continue on w/ the way things are, and that's not a way I want to live. So I think I'm angry about that. Doesn't make it right or wrong, but maybe at least you know your not alone.
Bob
hudsond said
Jan 18, 2006
Flintfeet-
I know sometimes it gets so hard!! If you made a decision to not see your father and you really don't want to change that--don't. I know the kids don't understand, but you ultimately know what is best for them. You may think they are missing out on something. Maybe they are, but what? Think about what would be happening if they spent time with him, then you may be able to do a pros and cons list thing.
This is just an idea. If you feel uncomfortable with any of it then you need to do what you feel comfortable with!
This disease is no fun!!!! Sometimes I really feel like the a doesn't suffer really (especially when they are active, because at that point they don't care), but those of us who deal with them do. I know they do suffer, but sometimes it's hard to get past our pains and frustrations and anger to see it!
Good luck.
Dawn
nycbt said
Jan 18, 2006
Welcome to the MIP site. Some suggestions that I have for you. Is to go to both online and face to face meetings. Get a sponsor, make a support system, like for instance I have a best friend in the program, mom, people on line and off line in the group. This has helped me grow.
maresie said
Jan 19, 2006
Well I can relate. My A spent about two minutes at both Christmas and Thanksgiving meals. I don't think he even conceives of it as being rude. He just is in his own little bubble. He blurs the line between his own illness and his own substance abuse. How convenient. He wanted to spend the whole Christmas blasted he did. That is his Christmas tradition and I onl worked that out now after 5 years! He prefers above all else to get blasted with his brother.
I think there are lots of ways of having boundaries with people. I explore boundaries all the time with other people in the program. I go over stuff that has come up with people in my life and ask for input then I put into action some things. Then I change that and set other limits. I explore all my boundaries and ways I can deal with stuff now in ways I did not before and that is so helpful. If you are around these rooms you will hear lots and lots of people talking about their relatives, how to set limits, when to set limits, what they did when and how.
I do not have children so I do not have that issue. I did struggle for a long long time about contact with my family of origin. Currently I am not in contact with my family of origin. I may be at some other time but currently I am not in contact. At one time I would have said I am never going to be in contact. Now I just say currently there is a difference. I am open to it if I can have limits but without limits I am not open to it.
I hope to be able to get as open and flexible with a lot of my boundaries I have not explored them all yet so I am not. I tend to over react or under react and right now I am accepting of that while I work it through.
i am not sure about how to start the right way of changing things. i have no contact with my dad, so i no longer inable him. it's hard for me b/c i have 2 kids (1yr &3yr) that LOVE papaw. i am strong and too proud of a person to go back on my word to have contact with him. although i feel like i am taking their grandpa away. but at the same time, i don't want them growing up watching him stumble around and watch him pass out in the middle of the thanksgiving feast that i spent all day making.
i know that people probably think sound angry about the whole situation and to be honest i am. i know it's not about him, it's about what i can control, but i can't seem to control how upset i am and how he could choose his very loving and supportive family for drinking beer all day and watching tv. it is mind blowing and screwed up.
but where do i begin?
Step 1- admitting we are powerless over alcohol and that our lives have become unmangeable.
Find literature and local meetings.
your on your way, you are looking for answers!!
josey
First of all, welcome, and hope you find lots of great E,S, & H on this board. I don't know the answer as to "where to start", other than to suggest the grassroots..... You work on you right now, gain insight, understanding, around the disease, it's effects on your father AND the effects that it has had on you....
Over time, perhaps, you may find a way to allow "Papaw" back into your kids lives.... Right now, you are setting a boundary for yourself, and for your kids, that is perhaps for the best... Remember it is up to HIM, if he wants to see his grandkids, he just hasta be sober.
Take care
Tom
Flintfeet-
I know sometimes it gets so hard!! If you made a decision to not see your father and you really don't want to change that--don't. I know the kids don't understand, but you ultimately know what is best for them. You may think they are missing out on something. Maybe they are, but what? Think about what would be happening if they spent time with him, then you may be able to do a pros and cons list thing.
This is just an idea. If you feel uncomfortable with any of it then you need to do what you feel comfortable with!
This disease is no fun!!!! Sometimes I really feel like the a doesn't suffer really (especially when they are active, because at that point they don't care), but those of us who deal with them do. I know they do suffer, but sometimes it's hard to get past our pains and frustrations and anger to see it!
Good luck.
Dawn
Well I can relate. My A spent about two minutes at both Christmas and Thanksgiving meals. I don't think he even conceives of it as being rude. He just is in his own little bubble. He blurs the line between his own illness and his own substance abuse. How convenient. He wanted to spend the whole Christmas blasted he did. That is his Christmas tradition and I onl worked that out now after 5 years! He prefers above all else to get blasted with his brother.
I think there are lots of ways of having boundaries with people. I explore boundaries all the time with other people in the program. I go over stuff that has come up with people in my life and ask for input then I put into action some things. Then I change that and set other limits. I explore all my boundaries and ways I can deal with stuff now in ways I did not before and that is so helpful. If you are around these rooms you will hear lots and lots of people talking about their relatives, how to set limits, when to set limits, what they did when and how.
I do not have children so I do not have that issue. I did struggle for a long long time about contact with my family of origin. Currently I am not in contact with my family of origin. I may be at some other time but currently I am not in contact. At one time I would have said I am never going to be in contact. Now I just say currently there is a difference. I am open to it if I can have limits but without limits I am not open to it.
I hope to be able to get as open and flexible with a lot of my boundaries I have not explored them all yet so I am not. I tend to over react or under react and right now I am accepting of that while I work it through.
Maresie.