Started the ball rolling, God give me the strength to continue
nancyfrances said
Jan 16, 2006
Have asked my husband to leave. He's considering it, but I intend to stick to my guns and make him go. I need the space. Needless to say I am a nervous wreck and so emotionally down, but I still feel good about the situation. It's called self-preservation, him or me. I have told my daughters, 17 and 15. The 17 year old understands the situation but doesn't like it. My 15 year old, who has anxiety and depression issues, blew a gasket, and now won't talk to me. She went to a friends house. It just about killed me. I believe she has her issues because of the lousy relationship between her father and I - and so do the counselors. This fall she was in a treatment center for depression and anxiety for eight days. What if I just tipped her over the edge again?
I could kill my husband for years I have been nagging at him to spend more time with the children to which he turned a deaf ear. Last night after I asked him to leave he went horseback riding with my 15 year old. This is the first time he has ever done this! What a master malnipulator. Using a very vulnerable young girl to carry out his ploy to stay home.
God give me the strenght to get through these days and stick to my guns! Right about now I am considering calling him and telling him just to forget everything and leave everything as is. But I know I can't.
Jennifer said
Jan 16, 2006
hello (((nancyfrances)))
You're in my thoughts and prayers. Keep one day at a time in mind, even if it has to be one minute at a time. Try not to worry about if's ... make plans for them if needed but worrying doesn't help. We're here for you.
Jennifer
whitie said
Jan 17, 2006
Nancyfrances,
I can relate. My a husband hadn't spent any time with our son until I left. Now he's taking him to dinner, movies.... I'm not sure if he's trying to replace me in some odd way, if he's just lonely, or really wanting to finally bond with his son. Anyway, he too is the master manipulator and I won't take part in any of it any more. I shut him down as soon as I see him winding up!
Stay strong and remember you have alot of friends here.
Whitie
Maria123 said
Jan 17, 2006
((((((((Nancy)))))))))),
Keep coming, keep posting, sign onto chat when you need.
I found when I set boundaries for the right reasons for my own health and well fare, the outcome doesn't get clouded, if you will.
Regarding your daughter, it is really tough for the kids, but if you stay "serene" the best that you can, they will learn from your example. And if her Dad is spending time with her, whether or not to get back at you, it's all only good because your daughter is finally getting some quality time with her Dad. Don't worry about him trying to manipulate her. She loves you very much and she loves her Dad very much. No kids want their parents separate even if they fight alot.
Get to meetings, F2F preferably. Spend time taking care of you. Slowly but surely you will begin to feel better about yourself.
Maria123
KathyS said
Jan 17, 2006
I think it's great that you are able to recognize your husbands manipulation for what it is.....manipulation. The core issue with addicts is selfishness. Even when it comes to their own innocent children. They have become so accustomed to getting their needs met at the expense of others that they reach a point where they don't even see anything wrong with their behavior.
As for your daughter and her depression.....try not to take responsibility for something that you have no control over. Don't be afraid you pushed her over the edge or anything like that. You are doing what you feel is best for you and your daughters at this point. I grew up in an alcoholic home. My dad drank every day and was abusive to my mom. My mom would go months without drinking but when she did it was binge drinking and she'd go on for days. As I got older she once told me that the only reason she stayed with my Dad was for me. I told her the best thing she could have done for me was to have left him long ago. Until I found the 12 step programs for myself, I never realized the effects my parents drinking had on me as an adult. It literally affected every single area of my life, in a negative way. So while it may be hard for your girls to adjust to the changes you are making, in the end I'm pretty sure they will be thankful that you made them.
Ask yourself why you are considering calling him and telling him to leave everything as is. Nothing changes if nothing changes, try to keep that in mind. Change is never easy. Even good change can be scary (like relocating for a better job) It's scarey because of the unknown element to it. No matter how dysfunctional our lives become........it's comfortable to a degree because it's familiar. We pretty much know what to expect. We may hate it and hate the way our lives our, but still the thought of change terrifies us. My sponsor used to always tell me: When the pain of staying becomes stronger than the fear of leaving.......you'll do something about it.
We're all here for you. Pray and ask your Higher Power to help you do His will for your life and your girls. Deep down in your heart you know what you need to do. Don't let fear stand in your way.
rosie light shines said
Jan 17, 2006
boy nancy, i feel for ya....that took guts asking him to leave, remember U didn't CAUSE it....U cannot CONTROL it........U cannot CURE it!!!!! my prayers sending your way....rosie
Have asked my husband to leave. He's considering it, but I intend to stick to my guns and make him go. I need the space. Needless to say I am a nervous wreck and so emotionally down, but I still feel good about the situation. It's called self-preservation, him or me. I have told my daughters, 17 and 15. The 17 year old understands the situation but doesn't like it. My 15 year old, who has anxiety and depression issues, blew a gasket, and now won't talk to me. She went to a friends house. It just about killed me. I believe she has her issues because of the lousy relationship between her father and I - and so do the counselors. This fall she was in a treatment center for depression and anxiety for eight days. What if I just tipped her over the edge again?
I could kill my husband for years I have been nagging at him to spend more time with the children to which he turned a deaf ear. Last night after I asked him to leave he went horseback riding with my 15 year old. This is the first time he has ever done this! What a master malnipulator. Using a very vulnerable young girl to carry out his ploy to stay home.
God give me the strenght to get through these days and stick to my guns! Right about now I am considering calling him and telling him just to forget everything and leave everything as is. But I know I can't.
hello (((nancyfrances)))
You're in my thoughts and prayers. Keep one day at a time in mind, even if it has to be one minute at a time. Try not to worry about if's ... make plans for them if needed but worrying doesn't help. We're here for you.
Jennifer
((((((((Nancy)))))))))),
Keep coming, keep posting, sign onto chat when you need.
I found when I set boundaries for the right reasons for my own health and well fare, the outcome doesn't get clouded, if you will.
Regarding your daughter, it is really tough for the kids, but if you stay "serene" the best that you can, they will learn from your example. And if her Dad is spending time with her, whether or not to get back at you, it's all only good because your daughter is finally getting some quality time with her Dad. Don't worry about him trying to manipulate her. She loves you very much and she loves her Dad very much. No kids want their parents separate even if they fight alot.
Get to meetings, F2F preferably. Spend time taking care of you. Slowly but surely you will begin to feel better about yourself.
Maria123
I think it's great that you are able to recognize your husbands manipulation for what it is.....manipulation. The core issue with addicts is selfishness. Even when it comes to their own innocent children. They have become so accustomed to getting their needs met at the expense of others that they reach a point where they don't even see anything wrong with their behavior.
As for your daughter and her depression.....try not to take responsibility for something that you have no control over. Don't be afraid you pushed her over the edge or anything like that. You are doing what you feel is best for you and your daughters at this point. I grew up in an alcoholic home. My dad drank every day and was abusive to my mom. My mom would go months without drinking but when she did it was binge drinking and she'd go on for days. As I got older she once told me that the only reason she stayed with my Dad was for me. I told her the best thing she could have done for me was to have left him long ago. Until I found the 12 step programs for myself, I never realized the effects my parents drinking had on me as an adult. It literally affected every single area of my life, in a negative way. So while it may be hard for your girls to adjust to the changes you are making, in the end I'm pretty sure they will be thankful that you made them.
Ask yourself why you are considering calling him and telling him to leave everything as is. Nothing changes if nothing changes, try to keep that in mind. Change is never easy. Even good change can be scary (like relocating for a better job) It's scarey because of the unknown element to it. No matter how dysfunctional our lives become........it's comfortable to a degree because it's familiar. We pretty much know what to expect. We may hate it and hate the way our lives our, but still the thought of change terrifies us. My sponsor used to always tell me: When the pain of staying becomes stronger than the fear of leaving.......you'll do something about it.
We're all here for you. Pray and ask your Higher Power to help you do His will for your life and your girls. Deep down in your heart you know what you need to do. Don't let fear stand in your way.