well i had a good time at the dinner theater good food and a good show. my a took him mom to detox but we arent sure if she will stay there. not my problem. my a said if she sticks with it he is gonna go to meetings with her. this cant be good for him is the way i see it because he will be focused on her the whole time. i want to tell him some things of alanon to keep the focus on himself but he justs gets mad at me. any esh anyone?

being an A myself we are told that you have to give it away to keep it. A by nature are selfish and this is a way to get out of himself and work his program. all you can do is lead by example and show him by keeping the focus on yourself and letting this run its course and not interfere. there is a fine line there in AA we keep the focus on ourselves by getting involved where as alanon is not to get involved. a friend said yesterday when i was 'figuring out ' alanon vs aa this and it's true AA=hands on ALANON=hands off it's a balance that we all must find and figuring out when and where each one is needed. hope this helps

hi, I am glad you had a good time. We all need anti stressors and love, laughter adn light in our lives. As far as your telling A about alanon, if you are doing it to "help" him, possibly you are actually lecturing him and he will resent it. The way I see that may help is saying how alanon works for ME, not anyone else. For instance,"I have leaned in alanon for me, that I need to focus on me to be a better person and that helps others around me." If he is taking his mom to detox and meetings, then he knows what needs to be done He does not need to be told. Plus we never know what will happen. If they will put it to their life or to another. Also we all learn little bits of things even though we did not plan to. For instance I hate sports on tv. Hate the roar, hate the competition and bs of it, the gambling, anyway, I learned that A sat still to watch it. So what a great time to cuddle. Or I am not into mechanics, but by assisting my A I can fix a simple engine. Now silly you are saying A will focus on mom, well look in the mirror! Who are YOU focusing on? We have all done it and will slip and do it again. We are nurturers and we care and love our A's. Sometimes the boundaries get so blurry when they are sick and in such need. What is enabling what is needed help? This is what we learn in alanon. You are thinking,that is wonderful. For me I choose to help me. Keep me on my program of recovery. If I were you I would support his taking her to meetings and let it go. We all are separate people, wanting to be accepted AS IS. The A is no different. If they choose to change and grow, great, if not, it is not our responsibilty to point anything out. This is my experience. sending love,debilyn

((((((((((NSN))))))))))))))),

Anytime someone attends a meeting, it is hope that they will get something out of it.  You never know what's going to happen at a meeting, especially AA meetings.  Your MIL may get a sponsor and someone in AA may very well tell your significant other that he needs to stop enabling his mother, etc. etc. etc.  In AA, I have found that many times, the other A's don't spend any time mincing words.

In the meantime, my dear, while he's attending meetings, you can be doing anything and everything for yourself.  Get to meetings yourself, both F2F and here online, work on the 12 steps, Paths to Recovery, begin a new craft -- reading, knitting, crocheting, painting, watching your favorite TV show, etc. etc. etc.   Don't let your whole life be focussed on your loved one and his mother.  You will find within yourself an amazing change once you begin to take good care of yourself, nurturing yourself.

Keep working it (your program not his) because it works if you work it and you are worth it.

love Maria123

I have so much wanted to tell people how to do their program because sometimes I feel incredibly lonely. I have had to learn to back way off and just keep the focus on me. Yes I can be encouraging to others but telling them how to live their life I don't do anymore.  I think I had to have an overdose of people telling me how to live my life i.e. leave the a when I did not have the resources to do it to get fed up with it.  I know I can be very controlling and given how out of control my life can be I can understand that.

 

We all learn from mistakes.  I learned a lot from being way over involved with people. I learned I had to focus on me. For me it had to be that I got totally emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed.  I'm not sure anyone could have protected me from that.  I am sure if I had had better resources it might have helped but I don't shoulda coulda woulda myself anymore.

I am so glad that you are here and have made resources for yourself.  You are very important and I am so glad that you are exploring what your limits are I know mine.

 

Maresie.

 

Good Morning!

I found that living my life by example has worn off on my A.  Sometimes I will catch myself taking his inventory and I will apoligize and say outloud, "I'm sorry for taking your inventory, it's not my job, my job is to take care of my inventory"  He finally asked me what that all meant, I told him.  I have noticed that by not pointing out stuff to him but taking care of me he is starting to pick up stuff all on his own.  Hang in there, it's hard not to tell them what we can obviously see is not a good idea, but that is how I slip back into those old pattern of taking care of my A and not taking care of me.

Hugs Mary