Thanks, I don't know how often I will post but I needed somewhere to vent my frustrations. I personally can't see this marrage lasting much longer anyway if the drinking continues, however it may be a blessing in disguise.

I've been so unhappy the past 4 years that I'll take lonely and single over fighting, resentment and endless broken promises anyday. I am a serial doormat, this is not the first guy I've been with that has had addiction or major baggage, God as my witness I will *never* ignore red flags ever again.

You can only sweep it under the rug and pretend to be happy for so long. I'm totally fed up.

I'm pretty new here too and not sure how the message board is set up. 

I'm so glad you came here to vent, and I totally understand the need to.  I came from an alcoholic father ...alcoholic/drug dealer husband....alcoholic boyfriends .... drug addicted children ...and mentally ill children; so I have 56 years of venting and confusion to go through.

I don't have the answers but I know that Al-anon and my HP are helping me find them for me.

It will work if we work it!

Hi endoftherope.

I sure understand how you feel.

Take care of your needs, pamper yourself and hand this over to your HP. He knows exactly what you need.

Hang in there.

Doxie

I married 3 of them and still missed the signs and started dating a dry drunk.  Go figure?  I know I have to go to f2f meetings and read the literature and find a sponsor.  It takes awhile to unlearn these learned relationship skills.  I never see the flags until I am already involved.

 Keep coming back.

Julia 

I was told not to believe an active alcoholic,

that other peoples opinion of me was no business of mine,

and when I reached the "end of the rope" to let go

my letting go was going to 2 meetings a day for a couple of months

this physical detachment gave me perspective, and slowly a new group of friends

I was never alone again

Fed Up: I can definitely empathise.  I don't think there is a questionaire that will tell you that someone is dysfunctional. I attach pretty quickly too and I used to beat myself up why I didn't I leave this then, run, go someplace else.  At the same time I think if I had not been with the a I would not have been willing to try al-anon and this program has brought me a lot of blessings. So maybe I had to hit that bottom to get here.  We can look at it many many ways.  I know if and when I leave the A I will be sad. I also know living with him is extremely challenging to say the least. I do not allow it to destroy me anymore. I think that's for me a question of a lot of tools, support (and you will find incredibly loving, generous support here in ways you could not believe).

Above all stop beating yourself up.  Its not your fault that you feel comfortable around A's in the beginning they after all can be charming, gregarious, wonderful funny generous people.  They have their good points as well as their bad ones.  At times their bad points outweight the good points.

Maresie.

Hi and welcome.  This is a great place for you to find understanding and gain experience, strength and hope from the members here.  Please read my comments below and keep in mind that I have felt the exact same ways that you are feeling right now toward my husband/addict. 

endoftherope wrote:

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I hate him for making promises to me over and over but never keeps them, and probably never will.

******Is it really that you hate *him* for making promises over and over and never keeping them, or are you mad at yourself for believing his promises over and over again and knowing his track record with promises still expecting him to honor them?

You said:

 I hate him for being so mean and constantly pointing out my insignificant flaws to justify what he's doing evertime I bring it up,

*******The saying goes: Insanity is repeating the same steps over and over again and still expecting a different result.  You mention he is mean and points out your flaws to justify his actions everytime you bring it up.  Who's starting the insanity of this repetition each time?  Each time you bring up *his* flaws or poor choices.......he turns it around to you.  This is very common thing for addicts/alcoholics to do.  You'll see this as you continue to read all the posts here.  One of our slogans that I love and that helped me so much in the begining of my recovery was *Let it Begin With Me*.  You can't make him change anything about himself, however you can learn how to make changes in yourself.  It only takes one person changing in order to  change the entire dynamics and outcome of the relationship.  If this is how he reacts each time you bring this subject up, why do you continue to expect him to react differently the next time you bring it up?

You said:

I also hate him for always down grading my recent acomplishments to make himself feel better about being a screw-up.

********My A has done this as well.  Especially when I first became involved with Al Anon.  It was his fear.  Fear that I was going to get better myself and end up leaving him.  Think about only your actions.  Put out of your mind his wrongs and his poor choices and reactions........do you praise him for his attempts at accomplishing positives in his life?  I found myself when I first came to Al Anon crying about all the ways in which I wanted my husband to treat me.  When I began to look at *my* part in it......I realized I wasn't treating him very well at all.  While in the begining of my recovery I still felt justified in my behavior toward him because I was focusing on everything HE had done wrong.  But when I learned to stop focusing on him and  only focus on myself instead........I realized I had a lot of changing to do.  My plate was full, I honestly had no business looking at his plate or taking his inventory.

You said:

I wish I had a lot of money so I could leave and never come back to this hell hole.

*********I have felt the same exact way many many times over the years.  Problem with this is........even if you did have a million dollars and completely removed yourself from your A, you'd still take your own issues with you.  Therefore you wouldn't be happy and guess what?  You'd more than likely end up in a relationship with another A.  The cycle repeats itself until we face our own issues and learn how to overcome them.

When I first came to this program I didnt' feel I had any issues to face.  I believed that I was a good person, with great intentions and that my husband was ruining our entire lives because of his drug use.  I believed that if ONLY he'd stop using that everything would be perfect.  Talk about denial.  As I began really working this program by going to face to face meetings, getting a sponsor and working the steps......learning how to put the tools of this program to use in my daily life......I realized I had alot of issues of my own.  I wasn't the perfect blameless person I had believed myself to be.  I was a huge part of the problem without even realizing it.  No, I certainly didn't cause his addiction or make him go out and get high, but I allowed this dysfunction to continue for far too long because I didn't know any way to make it stop.  This program gave me that way.  It can give it to you also if you work it. 

Glad you're here, keep sharing.

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