Help, I'm so confused.  My husband has been an alcoholic for all of the 18 years we've been married and before.  While young thought he would grow out of his party attitude - but hasn't.  I suffered alot through the years - being left alone to raise the kids, to going through illnesses by myself, etc.  I finally gave him the ultimatum a few weeks ago - quit drinking or have a trial separation.  He chose to quit drinking or so he told me.  He still drinks but not as much - saying he will just drink but not be a drunk.  This is not sitting well with me.  He was drunk last night and got into a fight with our 17 year old daughter.  Forbid her to see her boyfriend of have him over (they are having problems - he's not good for her and I know it - talked to her about it - he's degrading to her and calls other girls - I believe that she must learn things on her own and forbidding the relationship is only going to make it worse - but this is another whole subject). 

But the whole scene -the whole fight - almost put me over the edge.  I am from an alcoholic family and can't stand conflict.  And my husband is a brutal fighter - he has to win, yells and insults.  He's very good at sarcastic comments that cut to the core and prides himself on it.  He was also drinking - believe enough to be drunk. 

Over time  I have come to really resent him - to the point that I don't sleep with him or don't want him to touch me.  He makes me sick.  I try really hard for my daughters sake to make everything look fine - but it isn't.  I know I can't live like this anymore.  Is it just me?  Am I wrong or weird?  He does try some days and says he loves me.  He's bought me an expensive bracelet and actually a new horse yesterday.  But I just can't get past these feelings of anger towards him.  I don't want these things. 

I just feel so confused.  I have no faith in my decisions and my self-esteem is totally gone.  We live in a town where drinking is the main source of recreation and people told me that he's a good provider and a good man and I'm stupid for feeling this way.  Just to lighten up and let him be. 

Help!

 

my husband and I were in recovery together (aa). my husband seems to think that since hes gained back everything he lost in his drinking and drugging career that his working on himself is over. As i would try to be the voice of reason (work his program) i began to resent him and his self righteous attitude and his cockiness. was a battle of control that had been consistant for a year and a half. i started to go to alanon and then it clicked that the only person i could change was myself...and for six weeks i knew that something had to give and that someone had to do something in this situation. I had to leave and what made me realize this was when he actually said to me he wasnt sick (meaning he had noting left to work on and he was cured). Which told me that HE wasn't going to change so i had to. i prayed the serenity prayer and I even with all the love in my heart I had for him left my marriage. This was a 6 week process of agony but something I had to do for me. I AM NOT SUGGESTING ANYTHING HERE JUST SHARING MY EXPERIENCE STRENGTH AND HOPE. for me it was the reality that MISERY IS OPTIONAL that i don't need to participate in chaos and that i need to focus on me and do what is right for me. alanon showed me my part in the marriage and all i was doing was reacting and trying to gain control out of fear and how if i stayed in my program during my marriage i wouldnt have been as miserable. I could go on but you need to take care of you because 'they' usually do what they want to do anyway and that isnt your concern your concern is you. better to be happy than to be right pick your battles but focus on you and what you need to do for you.

Welcome to alanon ((((Nancy)))) Your feelings are yours. And no one else's. People outside of our relationships only see the shell. You have a right to feel as you choose to about your relationship with your husband. Do you have local meetings you can attend? If not try coming into our chat room here on this site, we have meetings twice a day and it is also open for chat 24/7. Yours in recovery, David

Hi, and glad you posted....  Your situation, although very real and harsh, is very typical for one living with an active alcoholic...

If you will bear with me, I will attempt to recount what you said in your post, but from the alcoholics perspective:

1. If I drink again, she will leave (or we will have a trial separation)

2. I still drink, with promises (that even I know I can't keep), of 'trying harder'

3. I still get drunk, and although she is angry, nothing has changed..... whew!!

4. Life is "normal", for me as a drunk.

 

I hope you are able to see the same things.....  I cannot possibly know what is right or wrong for the two of you.... What I can offer, is that we need to really practice the adage of "say what you mean, and mean what you say".  Your "ultimatum" might better be described as a "boundary", if it is changed just slightly....  Instead of telling him what he must do (i.e. stop drinking, which may or may not be in his capability today), perhaps (if you are serious about the follow-up), you can modify that just slightly, so it is about you, and your needs.  "I cannot continue to live like this.  I cannot stand another day of alcoholism in this house.  If you are not prepared to give up drinking totally, AND enter a recognized program of recovery for yourself (i.e. AA) within "x" days, then I will begin the process of separation."  Period.

 

As tough as this is, you either mean the above or you don't.  Right now, he doesn't believe that you mean it, or will follow through, so the words are not convincing him to change anything....  Alcoholics judge us by our actions, not our words.

Hope that helps

Take care,

Tom

I know ecactly how u feel you could be me...I finally got to the point where I had to throw him out of the house, or lose my sanity.. Those hateful words are the worst. I also have been taking this for way too many years, 19 to be exact.  Since he has been gone I feel much better about myself. He has been gone for 1 month and I am peaceful.

An A can not just drink a little. It always ends up bad.

Hi, I to have been living with an alcoholic for 18 years.  For the last year I have been going to school setting myself uup for a more peaceful life. I have completed an CNA class. Which I'm very excited, I will go on to LPN next. I have an english class and math class to do. But I tell you I feel wonderful. I'm hoping to be on my way to a better life. I have grandchildren which I'm afraid to have over because of his drinking. And that sure isn't right. so the alcohol controls everything around him  except himself. So now I have taken control over myself and so we will be having pizza parties at my new place with grandchildren sleeping over.  

Thank you.  It's what I needed to hear.   I need to stop throwing out empty threats and trying to control his behavior.  I do need time away from him to think and maybe figure out who I am after all of these years.  Thanks again. 

I am so glad that you are here. I control who I talk to about my relationship now because I don't get much out of being told what to do.

I am working on increasing my options and not beating myself up for being where I am. I can't do any more than that.

maresie.