I haven't been posting much these days, I've been trying to muster up the strength each day to get through the day. The news about my father's cancer has really take hold and given me another good shake. Day to day is how I get through, hour by hour and so on.....I just don't feel ready to deal with this. As I have stated before, I lost my mother when I was 27. I am 35 separated with no biological siblings and no children. Most of my family is dead. I am not ready to face the world alone.
I try to let go and let God, but it's hard. My intense need to have all information and control the uncontrollable creeps up on occassion. I'm trying but its hard. The rational part of me knows thatthis situation could go on for years. But I don't know how many.....
I'm sorry to vent here, but I have been lying alone is this big house with the dog trying to find the right words to get it out for a few days now....Yesterday it took all my strength to get out of the bed , but I did...cleaned the house, made chicken soup bathed the dog....I was supposed to go to a memorial for an elderly neighbor that passed away but I couldn't bear to deal with death. I made my apologies and will send a mass card over. Today I am hoping that my firends from work come for movie day (the weather is bad, so I don't know) just so I can get out a bit. I'm trying, but the saddness that I feel is like an anchor.
confused said
Jan 15, 2006
Kim,
Not doing so great myself today, but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Have you read Just for Today lately. Maybe it will help. Pick something small and attainable.
Lynn
just me said
Jan 15, 2006
((((((KIM)))))))
I totally get how the sadness is like an anchor. We have been dealing with death at my house too. There have been days when I can't move I am so sad. I do know that if I keep moving it makes it better. Going outside and getting fresh air helps. My f2f meeting helps me too. Because I can connect with others and feel their warmth. I lost my dad many years ago, he was an A. My nephew died at 18 last April in a horrible skateboatd vs SUV accident. He was an A. My sister another A is over the edge with grief and pills and it seems now I have lost her too.
Hang on Kim...I hear you and I am praying for you.
Julia
bobump said
Jan 15, 2006
Kim wrote: I'm sorry to vent here, but I have been lying alone ......
Kim,
This is THE place to vent. It's always here, someone will always read it. And, no matter what you vent, your unconditionally loved.
I have had similiar feelings off and on lately for far less reasons than you. What yoru going through is rough and don't deny yourself that. Somedays when I'm feeling like this, just working my program helps, or getting in touch w/ my HP lately helps. Sometimes coming the chat and helps, especially if it gets silly.
{{{Kim}}}
Bob
kitty said
Jan 15, 2006
(((((((((((((( Kim )))))))))))))))))
I have been felin depressed too lately... probably (for me) I have slacked off on my prayers. I need to remember the words of great American (I can't even recall ~ I think it was Einstein, my brain isn't even working)
"Listen neither to criticism or praise from others... both throw you off your course."
Well I suppose, listening to others & the lack of prayers have gotten me to where I have been, these last few days.
I think it is great you got up & cleaned the house! That would be huge for me, I haven't cleaned up in 6 months, being caught up in the tug of war in my family, trying to get my head straight, still trying to talk to new ppl (albeit mostly just on-line) but even this I think is too much for me right now.
I vent about everything here ~ lately not at all, because I feel half of the time what I have to say is so petty the rest of the time, I have no words.
I KNOW this is the place to vent & I ought to be utilizing it more. I pray for us both, right now to have the strength to bear the next trials we have ahead of us & for us to realize no matter how insignificant we think our "issues or feelings" are this is a safe place to get them out. That God gives us both the endurance & faith to look up & see we are where we need to be.
Sometimes I think I need a little pain. The isolation - well after having so many in my face & runningmy life & me being an only child, I like my time alone. I am allowed to be secluded if I just want some quiet & I don't have to justify it, to me or anyone else.
Just like Bob said & I too feel like I am dealing with far less ~ but it is 'junk' inside of me that I have to face, deal with & get out. I know rationally that my "junk" (as I so thoughtfully put it) is real because it is how I feel.
I get overwhelmed & have suicidal ideations... for me to brush & clean up after my cats everyday, means I am doing "good" - if I ever stopped that, I would be ready for the institution... truth is, the cats & me are what is important right now. I get up & wash my face & brush my teeth. If I never unpack the books I got out of storage in the next 10 years ~ I can over look that. I know that if I clean up house (one of these days) it will help my attitude. Right now I don't have the strength to think about it ~ I know I am not lazy... I am fatigued, recovering from my life & it is okay. I give myselkf permission to have to perform for anyone but myself.
I'm being hard on myself, I can just say "God help me, I surreneder" & know that this is enough of a prayer that is adequate to HP, in terms of reaching out, giving up & over and that God will aid anyone that reaches out.
Thank you for sharing today Kim, it got me to open up, which is what I needed to do, I appreciate your words today. love, -K
rosie light shines said
Jan 15, 2006
Kim wrote:
I am not ready to face the world alone. I try to let go and let God, but it's hard. My intense need to have all information and control the uncontrollable creeps up on occassion.
I'm trying but its hard. The rational part of me knows thatthis situation could go on for years. But I don't know how many..... I'm sorry to vent here, but I have been lying alone is this big house with the dog trying to find the right words to get it out for a few days now....
I'm trying, but the saddness that I feel is like an anchor.
kim i hear ya, and i sooo relate....but ya know???? all we have as CONSTANTS are us/ hihger power....that is IT!!! i am alone too, and i think i was FORCED to face me by my being so alone...first my x and i split..than my cousin moves to east coast......so i HAD to face me cuz ME was all i had....
i feel the sadness when it comes...but i take care of me when it comes...i don't let it slog me down, so i can't do anything...i just be Xtra nice to me.....
don't EVER apologize for venting....it is your right to air your feelings and to discharge your emotions....you vent all u want....we r here for ya....peace/ rosie
mebjk said
Jan 15, 2006
Dear Kim,
I know the isolation of depression. Thank you for coming here, though. This is a step to take to break the isolation. And so many of us know what it is like to be isolated and depressed. My heart goes out to you in your loss. It sounds as if you have so much to face right now.
I will be praying for you, Kim.
mebjk
Dolphin123 said
Jan 15, 2006
Kim,
You have no need to apologize for venting here, that is what we are here for, to help you, to listen, and for you just to know that someone is always there for you.
I really don't have any ESH to share, I have no past experience to draw on. Just know that we are here for you.
Much Love,
marmare said
Jan 16, 2006
You should never apoligizing for venting here. This is such a supportive place to be, the love and caring is incredible. My father lost his battle with cancer in 1994, still to this day I miss him, his strength and wisdom are a daily part of my life though. Hang in there and know there are many prayers being said for you and your father.
Hello all:
I haven't been posting much these days, I've been trying to muster up the strength each day to get through the day. The news about my father's cancer has really take hold and given me another good shake. Day to day is how I get through, hour by hour and so on.....I just don't feel ready to deal with this. As I have stated before, I lost my mother when I was 27. I am 35 separated with no biological siblings and no children. Most of my family is dead. I am not ready to face the world alone.
I try to let go and let God, but it's hard. My intense need to have all information and control the uncontrollable creeps up on occassion. I'm trying but its hard. The rational part of me knows thatthis situation could go on for years. But I don't know how many.....
I'm sorry to vent here, but I have been lying alone is this big house with the dog trying to find the right words to get it out for a few days now....Yesterday it took all my strength to get out of the bed , but I did...cleaned the house, made chicken soup bathed the dog....I was supposed to go to a memorial for an elderly neighbor that passed away but I couldn't bear to deal with death. I made my apologies and will send a mass card over. Today I am hoping that my firends from work come for movie day (the weather is bad, so I don't know) just so I can get out a bit. I'm trying, but the saddness that I feel is like an anchor.
((((((KIM)))))))
I totally get how the sadness is like an anchor. We have been dealing with death at my house too. There have been days when I can't move I am so sad. I do know that if I keep moving it makes it better. Going outside and getting fresh air helps. My f2f meeting helps me too. Because I can connect with others and feel their warmth. I lost my dad many years ago, he was an A. My nephew died at 18 last April in a horrible skateboatd vs SUV accident. He was an A. My sister another A is over the edge with grief and pills and it seems now I have lost her too.
Hang on Kim...I hear you and I am praying for you.
Julia
Kim,
This is THE place to vent. It's always here, someone will always read it. And, no matter what you vent, your unconditionally loved.
I have had similiar feelings off and on lately for far less reasons than you. What yoru going through is rough and don't deny yourself that. Somedays when I'm feeling like this, just working my program helps, or getting in touch w/ my HP lately helps. Sometimes coming the chat and helps, especially if it gets silly.
{{{Kim}}}
Bob
(((((((((((((( Kim )))))))))))))))))
I have been felin depressed too lately... probably (for me) I have slacked off on my prayers. I need to remember the words of great American (I can't even recall ~ I think it was Einstein, my brain isn't even working)
"Listen neither to criticism or praise from others... both throw you off your course."
Well I suppose, listening to others & the lack of prayers have gotten me to where I have been, these last few days.
I think it is great you got up & cleaned the house! That would be huge for me, I haven't cleaned up in 6 months, being caught up in the tug of war in my family, trying to get my head straight, still trying to talk to new ppl (albeit mostly just on-line) but even this I think is too much for me right now.
I vent about everything here ~ lately not at all, because I feel half of the time what I have to say is so petty the rest of the time, I have no words.
I KNOW this is the place to vent & I ought to be utilizing it more. I pray for us both, right now to have the strength to bear the next trials we have ahead of us & for us to realize no matter how insignificant we think our "issues or feelings" are this is a safe place to get them out. That God gives us both the endurance & faith to look up & see we are where we need to be.
Sometimes I think I need a little pain. The isolation - well after having so many in my face & runningmy life & me being an only child, I like my time alone. I am allowed to be secluded if I just want some quiet & I don't have to justify it, to me or anyone else.
Just like Bob said & I too feel like I am dealing with far less ~ but it is 'junk' inside of me that I have to face, deal with & get out. I know rationally that my "junk" (as I so thoughtfully put it) is real because it is how I feel.
I get overwhelmed & have suicidal ideations... for me to brush & clean up after my cats everyday, means I am doing "good" - if I ever stopped that, I would be ready for the institution... truth is, the cats & me are what is important right now. I get up & wash my face & brush my teeth. If I never unpack the books I got out of storage in the next 10 years ~ I can over look that. I know that if I clean up house (one of these days) it will help my attitude. Right now I don't have the strength to think about it ~ I know I am not lazy... I am fatigued, recovering from my life & it is okay. I give myselkf permission to have to perform for anyone but myself.
I'm being hard on myself, I can just say "God help me, I surreneder" & know that this is enough of a prayer that is adequate to HP, in terms of reaching out, giving up & over and that God will aid anyone that reaches out.
Thank you for sharing today Kim, it got me to open up, which is what I needed to do, I appreciate your words today. love, -K
kim i hear ya, and i sooo relate....but ya know???? all we have as CONSTANTS are us/ hihger power....that is IT!!! i am alone too, and i think i was FORCED to face me by my being so alone...first my x and i split..than my cousin moves to east coast......so i HAD to face me cuz ME was all i had....
i feel the sadness when it comes...but i take care of me when it comes...i don't let it slog me down, so i can't do anything...i just be Xtra nice to me.....
don't EVER apologize for venting....it is your right to air your feelings and to discharge your emotions....you vent all u want....we r here for ya....peace/ rosie
Kim,
You have no need to apologize for venting here, that is what we are here for, to help you, to listen, and for you just to know that someone is always there for you.
I really don't have any ESH to share, I have no past experience to draw on. Just know that we are here for you.
Much Love,
You should never apoligizing for venting here. This is such a supportive place to be, the love and caring is incredible. My father lost his battle with cancer in 1994, still to this day I miss him, his strength and wisdom are a daily part of my life though. Hang in there and know there are many prayers being said for you and your father.
Hugs Mary