Yesterday, I started to feel that ancient tug-a-war inside myself to call/not call my ex. I wanted to call. Here's what I thought: "What's the harm? It's been two weeks; I'm all better now, and I'd just be checking in..."When I have these thoughts I know it's my own disease trying to trick me.

My ex and I broke up officially in the early fall, but I kept calling and talking to ex throughout fall hoping it would work out. Then, in December my ex (who had been waffling), decided once and for all she wanted to end the relationship. O, I was griefstruck! It took tremendous discipline on my part, but I was able to, in a letter, detach with love, say goodbye, and set a boundary FOR ME (for the very first time in my life!) that I needed time of not being in contact, and would contact her when I felt I really could be in contact again.

I knew that I really needed the break for ME, so that I wouldn't act out my hurt, hurt feelings and so I could really FACE that it was OVER, which I couldn't really do when I blurred the boundary by continuing to call. I figured out that I was starting to feel hooked in again yesterday because I had received an e-mail earlier this week from my ex, saying how much she felt the loss of me. I went back and forth about whether to respond, but ultimately I did, very briefly.

Now, I haven't heard anything back (didn't really expect to), and I'm starting to want to follow-up, check-in, etc. Yet, I know that nothing changes if nothing changes. I know that I am not ready to be in contact yet, it's only been two weeks. So, today, I plan to refocus my energy from "What's she up to?" back to myself and really caring for myself. I will do laundry (which desperately needs to be done), make a big pot of soup, and go to my favorite coffeeshop to write letters. I plan to treat myself kindly, gently. I will read literature and journal. I will spend time this evening with friends.

Just needed to vent/share. Any insights/encouragement appreciated!

BlueCloud

Bluecloud,

Sounds to me like you are doing fine.  Old habits and cycles are hard to break.  I know it took me many years to get where I was when I found alanon.  Now I take my recovery and my life...One day at a time. 

Keep coming back....

Julia

Blue cloud,

I can't tell you how many times I've been in your exact same position. In fact, I'm kind of ther again right now. My current A and I have been on and off since September. We kept trying to be "just friends" and then I get sucked in and I'd get my heart broked over and over. 2 weeks ago we had a very heated fight and I decided that I was done. I haven't talked to him since.

I miss him, a lot. I want to call him really bad. However, then I ask myself what will happen if I do call. I'll call, then I eagerly await a call back. He may ro may not call back. Either way, I'll focus all of my attantion on him and start to get upset that I'm not getting the immediate results that I want. If he does call back then what? Then I get sucked into being strung along, being jeaoul of other girls he might be seeing, I focus all of my energy on him again and then my heart gets broken again and I STILL don't get what I want.

Because what I want, what I really really want is for him to NOT be an alcoholic.

Emafer,

I really appreciated your response to my post. Your last line "Because what I really want is for him not to be an alcoholic" really crystalizes all of the heartache doesn't it? Hang in there! I'm finding that as I focus on myself and get busy, things do get better! The heartache doesn't fully disappear, but it doesn't completely take over anymore either.

BlueCloud