you'll go off topic? Thats my excuse now for not speaking

Well, I'm going to talk like your sponsor here - you know darn well that you could go off topic at the meeting all you wanted, and nobody would care. Even if it is an *extremely* strictly run meeting, (I've never been to a meeting where anybody noticed such things) you are new enough to the program to be given all the slack you need. And you know it. Or, if you don't, it's time you learned. This program is not about making you feel worse about your life. It is not about telling you that you are wrong. It IS about helping you be able to come to the place where you can see your own part in your problems, and make some changes that will make your life better. I know that you are scared. I live in a very small town, at our meetings it is impossible not to see someone you know. When I first went in that room, and saw the bartender from the tavern, and the loans officer from the bank, and teacher's aide from the school I work at, it was very hard to open up. But, they were all there for the same reason I was. When I look back at my shares from those first meetings, I think "What a lot of pious nonsense", but no one ever told me "Oh, get real!" I got a little realer on my own, at my own rate. It's OK. We are allowed to be ourselves at alanon, warts and all. So, you're gonna have to come up with a better excuse than that :)

Yes Barabara.... I do get aftaid to talk at two of my F2F meetings also. There are times I too feel that I too will get off the topic. In one of my groups people have been reminded to get back on the topic. It really is not a big deal when they are told to stay on the topic but it is hard for me in these groups to talk. I do try so hard to share though and sometimes it happens, when the time is right! Keep on going to the meeting and listening then. There is no right or wrong to your shares ... it is between you and your HP so just take it easy on yourself. In my other F2F group I could talk about the moon and it would be ok. I am able to freely share what is on my mind and in my heart and it feels soooo nice and freeing when I allow myself to do this. I wish I would allow myself do this in all my F2F mmetings but I know in time it will happen. Are there any other groups you try? If you are not able to share... listen for now! Thank you for the topic and good luck. Take what you want and leave the rest. Linda

-- Edited by sandie123 at 09:15, 2006-01-15

I have spoken about many things that were especially bothering me at meetings not necessarily what the topic happens to be. As it says in our preamble-------- The topic tonight is "(fill in the blank)",,,however,,, please feel free to speak of whatever is bothering you this evening". Alanon format is the same whereever you go. I know for me I would speak of what was going on in my life then I would "try" and speak on topic int he beginning. I was just wondering how long have you been going to alanon? It does take a while to get into the "swing of things", I know that all too well.

KEEP COMING BACK ,, IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT!...............gardengal

I have had that same problem Barbara. When I first started attending f2f meetings, I thought they were a place where I could find comfort, respite, and caring. I didn't realize that going off the topic was a no-no. No one told me anything. I didn't share at first, then one evening, I let them all know why I was there. I laid out the whole story. No one replied. Not one word of comfort. Just stony stares. I knew I had done something wrong, but couldn't imagine what. I had not presented myself at the proper time in the meeting. I did not go back. It was not until I started coming to this site that I realized meetings take on a certain formality. I do not go into the chat room. Have nothing against it. I simply prefer to be able to speak my mind when the mood strikes me. About anything...knowing someone will read, listen, and care. Barbara, my post is not intended to persuade you to drop f2f meetings. They are of invaluable help to so many people. I find the most comfort in sharing with my sister, my dear friend who is a recovering A, and my "family" right here. We all must do what works best for us. Ooops. Sorry to have gotten off the topic.............Diva

In my meetings the before the topic is stated it is asked, if anyone has a topic or problem they'd like to discuss.  Even then, people stray off topic and it's no big deal. 

Bob

I agree with what has been said in the replys Barbara. Dont be afraid to go off topic. I have one suggestion that works for me. If the "topic" doesnt seem to fit what I feel I need to share about, I sorta manipulate it around to make it work. Now this may seem like a silly "game" to try to conform to "rule" of staying on topic, but I don't think so at all. What I am really doing when I do this, is letting the topic feed what I am already feeling and in the end, though the share my seem to wander "off topic" I usually wind up saying to myself.. Say that share really was on topic. For me this is my HP at work. It amazes me how often those topics are just exactly what I do need to hear/share about. And when topics are "al-anon" topics, they are almost always applicable to my recovery in some way. Even when I first started sharing at meetings (21 months ago now) I strayed widely off, most newcomers are "allowed" that with understanding. As we grow in the program we come to see the opportunity of working on a particular subject at a particular meeting rather than trying to "fix" the whole deal at one time. Anyway, Barbara......go for it!!!!! Dont let fear hold you back. You wont be judged. And if anyone in my groups ever have a problem with my shares being off topic, well that's about them, not me. They are ever free to take what they like and leave the rest! Yours in recovery, David

Hi Barbara,

For myself, I have found that fear of doing anything is something I own.  But as far as meetings go, I've learned, as I kept going to meetings, that there is a respect in the rooms that gives way to the staying on topic "rule".  That is held in our traditions, principals above personalities.  There are many people who come to meetings and many can be hurting in any given week at a meeting, for one person's problem to be focused on during a topic meeting is unfair to the group as a whole.  However, it is always suggested for a person to obtain a sponsor or at least speak with another person either before or after the meeting if they have something special that they need to talk about.  Given that most meetings are only held for one hour and there is alot of new thinking to learn for most of us, it is generally accepted that it is healthy for the group to respect the fact that the person who volunterred to chair that meeting took the time and effort to put it together, also that the group's HP might of had something special to help someone in the group that night on the particular topic for the evening as well.  I'd also like to mention that one of the reasons for the "rule" of no cross talk gives respect to the person talking, as they may have come from a background where another person dominated the conversation and they were not always strong enough to take the "floor".  These things are actually meant to help us to learn to love and respect each other, to grow and to mature, and, most importantly to get a chance to see how a healthy "family" can function.

Hope this helps some.

Cilla

Barbara,

I can't speak with a 100% certainty, because it all depends on your groups. But I have found that most groups let you speak as your HP leads you.

For example, if the topic was step 12, we usually don't mind if someone who has not yet worked that step to share on where there heart is. What normally happens is that something someone else said in the meeting speaks to that person and they share about that, so in a way they are speaking about the 12th step.

Remember, progress, not perfection.

Much Love,

Hello Barbara , you know one thing u will discover is that most people don't care if it's off topic or not. but if you really are concened about it , take your odat with you and look in the index for the topic being discussed and read a page from the book .   That works   So glad your going to meetings .   

If we don't share what is going on for us , they can't  help, there could be someone in the room who has been where your at and will share with you how she or he got thru it.

Keep going , and take care of you .    Louise