for the past 2 weeks... my "A" (ex-boyf.) has been in the strangest behaviour.
when he got kicked out of home... barring order...and was in the homeless hostel..he asked me for help.
i wouldnt let him come to my home...not anymore...so i found him a rented house just outside city centre. he has moved in...and usually i would get texts and phonecalls telling me thanks...or just geneal "take care" calls and letting me know hes getting on wit his business and stuff...
what i got was a barrage of texts that didnt make sense... saying a mixture of things.
i would stake my house on it that he is NOT back drinking (yet) ...but is back taking his sleeping pills and relaxers.... by the dozen. he even went to see MY local doctor to get pills.
he doesnt see anything wrong with this at all.... let me give you an example of last nights conversation via text msgs.
8:30 p.m "A" : hiya, fancy callling in to me for the night? we cud go for pizza?
8:32 p.m ME : NO.
8:33 p.m "A" : im down in the coastel village having an indian curry with my new flatmate...think he
fancies me..haha he even took me to a church today!
8:34 p.m ME : what the F**k are you talking about? why are you inviting me to you when
your not even there! what pills have you taken?
8:35 p.m "A" : your roaring now...relax...dont know whats wrong with you!
8:40 p.m ME : your wrecking my head.... stop playing your mind games.... dont ring my phone
or text me again....you need help....and not mine!
OOOOOOOOHHHHHHH my god! i feel like im fighting a losing battle.... he was prob out doing whatever last night.... but thats just it.... i was wrried sick...wanted to go in2 the car...find him..and then atter the S**T outa him for making me worry.
but i didnt...i turned off my car...and went to bed.... cried myself to sleep and had nightmares all night.....
i firmly believe in the saying "what the eyes don't see...the heart don't feel"
what i dont know...wont hurt me!
thats why i have no other choice but let him go... let him go do what he wants to do.... go where he wants and take what he wants... i cant help him... no other hospital or shelter wil take him in... this was his last chance...
how did my life come to this...how come i feel sooo empty inside.... its like watching someone you love drowning in a river and not being able to throw him a rope...helplessness...anger...everything that comes with it!
im just praying that the police dont call to my door to identify his body... then i really wont be able to cope.
even though im trying to save my own sanity... it feels like im abandoning him...
.can anyone help me...or give me advice from their situation....
..........id appreciate what you think....you are my family ::
Dolphin123 said
Jan 14, 2006
((((((((Rebecca))))))),
It is like watching the one you love drown, and not being able to save them. While they are drowning they don't feel the water pulling them under, but we can see it. Funny thing is while we are watching them drown, we are to, but we don't see it. Okay going with this analogy, alanon is like a life preserver if I choose to stay in the water. I can go to my meetings, do things that make me happy, and my life preserver is full of air, and I won't drown. If I stop going to meetings and not taking care of myself, and keep focusing on my "A" then my life preserver looses air and nothing is helping me to stay afloat.
When my "A" and I seperated a few years ago, I worked on me, One Day at a Time. One Minute at a TIme. It is hard, an letting them go is so difficult. But for me if I didn't let him go, I was telling my HP that he wasn't good enough to take care of my "A". And after my HP has taken such good care of me, I know my HP is more than capable of taking care of my "A", and he does a better job of it.
Keep coming back, let your feelings out. We are all here for you.
Much Love,
debilyn said
Jan 14, 2006
Becca it is horrible isn't it? In my experience, I am tortured by the disease\
whether I am in contact with my A or not. We have been one person for so long
I feel his pain.
Thank God I came here and leaned to detach from it or I would be almost dead too.
Whether it is the drug alcohole or the drugs of pills, the body does not know the
difference as far as abuse. I don't even think about that anymore. Only reason I do
is maybe so I know the reason for the behavior. With the A's brain tumor there is mental illness and there is also the drug abuse. still does not matter really.
I hope you are filling your life with nice stuff. Go get yourself some flowers,
and something comforting to you.
Love and hugs, debilyn
maresie said
Jan 14, 2006
Rebecca: I am familiar with how the A's pull us into their chaos. And then how when we are feeling stuff like anger they turn it on us...What's wrong with you.
Well Rebecca there is nothing wrong with you for loving and helping this man. I think the issue for me is in pins and needles what will he do next. And then the searing bone numbing exhaustion of dealing with that day in day out. I have had to stop and attend to my exhaustion and my physical health because that can go down the tubes very quickly. I would like to know Rebecca what do you do to take care of you? Do you put yourself in the equation. It can be very easy to get caught in the dramarama of the addict and forget ourselves. For me the joy and peace of al-anon is the focus on me and to put down the stick of beating myself up for whatever. I am where I am I can get out of where I am with the help and non judgmentalness of al-anon in my own time if I want to not because everyone else thinks I should. I can do it on my own terms and with my own resources not what everyone else thinks are my resources. I have met some wonderful people on this board who have helped me.
I hope you will stick around and learn some tools and take care of you. I think the A is worth caring for but not at the expense of ourselves. I have learned a lot here in a few short weeks so please take the opportunity go to meetings and to chat and keep coming back.
maresie.
Maria123 said
Jan 14, 2006
(((((Rebecca)))))
This is from Melody Beattie's "Language of letting Go" - Feb.12 reading
Letting Go of Those Not In Recovery
We can go forward with our life and recoveries, even though someone we love is not yet recovering.
Picture a bridge. On one side of the bridge it is cold and dark. We stood there with others in the cold and darkness, doubled over in pain. Some of us developed an eating disorder to cope with the pain. Some drank, Some used other drugs. Some of us lost control of our sexual behaviour.
Some of us obsessively focused on addicted people's pain to distract us from our own pain. Many of us did both: we developed an addictive behaviour and distracted ourselves by focusing on other addicted people. We did not know there was a bridge. We thought we were trapped on a cliff.
Then, some of us got lucky. Our eyes opened, by the Grace of God, because it was time. We saw the bridge. People told us what was on the other side: warmth, light, and healing from our pain. We could barely glimpse or imagine this, but we decided to start across the bridge anyway.
We tried to convince the people around us on the cliff that there was a bridge to a better place, but they wouldn't listen. They couldn't see it; they couldn't believe it. They were not ready for the journey. We decided to go alone, because we believed, and because people on the other side were cheering us forward. The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see, and feel, that what we had been promised was real. There was light, healing, warmth and love. The other side was a better place.
But now there is a bridge between us and those on the other side. Sometimes we may be tempted to go back and drag them over with us., but it cannot be done. No one can be dragged or forced across this bridge. Each person must go at his or her own choice. Some will come, some will stay on the other side. The choice is not ours.
We can love them. We can wave to them. We can holler back and forth. We can cheer them on and encourage them. But we cannot make them come over with us.
If our time has come to cross that bridge, or if we have already crossed it and are standing in the light and warmth, we do not have to feel guilty. It is where we are meant to be. We do not have to go back to the dark cliff because another's time has not yet come.
The best thing we can do is stay in the light, beacuse it reassures others that there is a better place. And if others ever do decide to cross over the bridge, we will be there to cheer them on.
Today I will move forward with my life, despite what others are doing or not doing. I will know it is my right to cross the bridge to a better life, even if I must leave others behind to do that. I will not feel guilty. I will not feel ashamed. I know that where I am now is a better place and where I am meant to be.
Rebecca, walk over the bridge into recovery with us ((((friend))))) ~ no need to feel guilty. You are right where you are meant to be. Sometimes it takes a lot of pain to take us out of that path and begin to take a new one. Only you can decide whether or not to answer his texts. All it takes is one person not to engage which ultimately will end the conversation. A's or addicts do what they do ~ they drink and do drugs and it's futile to try and figure out the wherefores and whys.
Keep coming, keep posting, get yourself to a meeting, talk to people, come online to chat, there are so many options rather than isolating.
hi guys
for the past 2 weeks... my "A" (ex-boyf.) has been in the strangest behaviour.
when he got kicked out of home... barring order...and was in the homeless hostel..he asked me for help.
i wouldnt let him come to my home...not anymore...so i found him a rented house just outside city centre. he has moved in...and usually i would get texts and phonecalls telling me thanks...or just geneal "take care" calls and letting me know hes getting on wit his business and stuff...
what i got was a barrage of texts that didnt make sense... saying a mixture of things.
i would stake my house on it that he is NOT back drinking (yet) ...but is back taking his sleeping pills and relaxers.... by the dozen. he even went to see MY local doctor to get pills.
he doesnt see anything wrong with this at all.... let me give you an example of last nights conversation via text msgs.
8:30 p.m "A" : hiya, fancy callling in to me for the night? we cud go for pizza?
8:32 p.m ME : NO.
8:33 p.m "A" : im down in the coastel village having an indian curry with my new flatmate...think he
fancies me..haha he even took me to a church today!
8:34 p.m ME : what the F**k are you talking about? why are you inviting me to you when
your not even there! what pills have you taken?
8:35 p.m "A" : your roaring now...relax...dont know whats wrong with you!
8:40 p.m ME : your wrecking my head.... stop playing your mind games.... dont ring my phone
or text me again....you need help....and not mine!
OOOOOOOOHHHHHHH my god! i feel like im fighting a losing battle.... he was prob out doing whatever last night.... but thats just it.... i was wrried sick...wanted to go in2 the car...find him..and then atter the S**T outa him for making me worry.
but i didnt...i turned off my car...and went to bed.... cried myself to sleep and had nightmares all night.....
i firmly believe in the saying "what the eyes don't see...the heart don't feel"
what i dont know...wont hurt me!
thats why i have no other choice but let him go... let him go do what he wants to do.... go where he wants and take what he wants... i cant help him... no other hospital or shelter wil take him in... this was his last chance...
how did my life come to this...how come i feel sooo empty inside.... its like watching someone you love drowning in a river and not being able to throw him a rope...helplessness...anger...everything that comes with it!
im just praying that the police dont call to my door to identify his body... then i really wont be able to cope.
even though im trying to save my own sanity... it feels like im abandoning him...
.can anyone help me...or give me advice from their situation....
..........id appreciate what you think....you are my family ::
((((((((Rebecca))))))),
It is like watching the one you love drown, and not being able to save them. While they are drowning they don't feel the water pulling them under, but we can see it. Funny thing is while we are watching them drown, we are to, but we don't see it. Okay going with this analogy,
alanon is like a life preserver if I choose to stay in the water. I can go to my meetings, do things that make me happy, and my life preserver is full of air, and I won't drown. If I stop going to meetings and not taking care of myself, and keep focusing on my "A" then my life preserver looses air and nothing is helping me to stay afloat.
When my "A" and I seperated a few years ago, I worked on me, One Day at a Time. One Minute at a TIme. It is hard, an letting them go is so difficult. But for me if I didn't let him go, I was telling my HP that he wasn't good enough to take care of my "A". And after my HP has taken such good care of me, I know my HP is more than capable of taking care of my "A", and he does a better job of it.
Keep coming back, let your feelings out. We are all here for you.
Much Love,
Rebecca: I am familiar with how the A's pull us into their chaos. And then how when we are feeling stuff like anger they turn it on us...What's wrong with you.
Well Rebecca there is nothing wrong with you for loving and helping this man. I think the issue for me is in pins and needles what will he do next. And then the searing bone numbing exhaustion of dealing with that day in day out. I have had to stop and attend to my exhaustion and my physical health because that can go down the tubes very quickly. I would like to know Rebecca what do you do to take care of you? Do you put yourself in the equation. It can be very easy to get caught in the dramarama of the addict and forget ourselves. For me the joy and peace of al-anon is the focus on me and to put down the stick of beating myself up for whatever. I am where I am I can get out of where I am with the help and non judgmentalness of al-anon in my own time if I want to not because everyone else thinks I should. I can do it on my own terms and with my own resources not what everyone else thinks are my resources. I have met some wonderful people on this board who have helped me.
I hope you will stick around and learn some tools and take care of you. I think the A is worth caring for but not at the expense of ourselves. I have learned a lot here in a few short weeks so please take the opportunity go to meetings and to chat and keep coming back.
maresie.
(((((Rebecca)))))
This is from Melody Beattie's "Language of letting Go" - Feb.12 reading
Letting Go of Those Not In Recovery
We can go forward with our life and recoveries, even though someone we love is not yet recovering.
Picture a bridge. On one side of the bridge it is cold and dark. We stood there with others in the cold and darkness, doubled over in pain. Some of us developed an eating disorder to cope with the pain. Some drank, Some used other drugs. Some of us lost control of our sexual behaviour.
Some of us obsessively focused on addicted people's pain to distract us from our own pain. Many of us did both: we developed an addictive behaviour and distracted ourselves by focusing on other addicted people. We did not know there was a bridge. We thought we were trapped on a cliff.
Then, some of us got lucky. Our eyes opened, by the Grace of God, because it was time. We saw the bridge. People told us what was on the other side: warmth, light, and healing from our pain. We could barely glimpse or imagine this, but we decided to start across the bridge anyway.
We tried to convince the people around us on the cliff that there was a bridge to a better place, but they wouldn't listen. They couldn't see it; they couldn't believe it. They were not ready for the journey. We decided to go alone, because we believed, and because people on the other side were cheering us forward. The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see, and feel, that what we had been promised was real. There was light, healing, warmth and love. The other side was a better place.
But now there is a bridge between us and those on the other side. Sometimes we may be tempted to go back and drag them over with us., but it cannot be done. No one can be dragged or forced across this bridge. Each person must go at his or her own choice. Some will come, some will stay on the other side. The choice is not ours.
We can love them. We can wave to them. We can holler back and forth. We can cheer them on and encourage them. But we cannot make them come over with us.
If our time has come to cross that bridge, or if we have already crossed it and are standing in the light and warmth, we do not have to feel guilty. It is where we are meant to be. We do not have to go back to the dark cliff because another's time has not yet come.
The best thing we can do is stay in the light, beacuse it reassures others that there is a better place. And if others ever do decide to cross over the bridge, we will be there to cheer them on.
Today I will move forward with my life, despite what others are doing or not doing. I will know it is my right to cross the bridge to a better life, even if I must leave others behind to do that. I will not feel guilty. I will not feel ashamed. I know that where I am now is a better place and where I am meant to be.
Rebecca, walk over the bridge into recovery with us ((((friend))))) ~ no need to feel guilty. You are right where you are meant to be. Sometimes it takes a lot of pain to take us out of that path and begin to take a new one. Only you can decide whether or not to answer his texts. All it takes is one person not to engage which ultimately will end the conversation. A's or addicts do what they do ~ they drink and do drugs and it's futile to try and figure out the wherefores and whys.
Keep coming, keep posting, get yourself to a meeting, talk to people, come online to chat,
there are so many options rather than isolating.
yours in recovery,
Maria123