Leave the booklets laying around? I think its time to let A know where I go on Sat mornings. I just dont want to hear "Im not an alcoholic. Why do you think you need that?"

But before I take off for a weekend convention I think he should know where Im going. Years ago (12+) I attended an AA convention and he was fine with that.

Well I knew for my A this would be a hot button.  So like the good little codie conflict avoider I am, I didn't say anything.  Instead of course it got blurted out sometime least appropriate.  So I can't give any ESH on how is a good way to tell them.  LOL

I will say how I handle when my A gives me crap for going.  I explain that I'm not sure what she thinks the program is about but we spend the majority and sometimes the entire meeting talking about ourselves and our actions.  I said this because sometimes the A comes up, but it's usually a setup to our share as to what we may have reacted to.  Of course I left out the parts of when we might just vent.  I told my A, you've been telling me to get help for awhile, now you don't like the help I'm getting.  It's my help and my business.  It didn't really help but that is what I said.

I've thought of offering her an open meeting.  Heck I could take her to a closed meeting, she has enough qualifiers in her life.  Just to let her sit and check it out.

Bob

There is probably no better way to "start on the subject" than to tell your husband you are going to an AlAnon meeting. Should he object, remind him that the meeting is for YOU and not HIM. Kiss him on the cheek, and walk out the door. If you allow his complaining to keep you from going, you are not moving toward your peace of mind and ability to cope. Good luck, Diva

My mom told my A I was going to alanon.  He went ballistic. I just held up the C2C book and said it is about me not you.  Everytime he came at me I just held up the book and said "It is my recovery".  I did however consider whacking him in the head with it...but I had anger issues.  lol!

 

Stand your ground...it is about you.

 

Julia

Barbara,

My "A" went to his meetings years ago and he is the one that told me about alanon. So I don't have any ESH really to share about that. However, I have heard many women state in the meetings I attend that they did just what Diva suggested. Hope that helps.

Much Love,

I think...

This subject is a great one, to measure YOUR recovery program, and prove to yourself that you are making progress.... for you.  As long as your A isn't a 'physical risk' to you, I would encourage you to simply tell him "I am going to Al-Anon.... for me".  Period.  And it is not open for debate, and it his not his place to question.

Doing this, and standing up for ourselves, and our needs, is a huge step in the right direction, of validating the fact that we, ourselves, are worthy.

Just my two cents..

Tom

Barbara, Oh boy, great question! I've asked it many times and never heard an answer that my a felt comfortable with. At first (3 years ago) I didn't tell him. That was hard becuase of the time and day of the meetings. When I did tell him he was pissed off every time I went and it set the mood for the whole weekend. There was a whole lot of miserable around our house. He got mad when I announced it days ahead of time so I tried telling him as I ran out the door. With my a there just wasn't a easy way to tell him I was going to another meeting. And yes, his comment was always that I didn't need that, he wasn't an a. He was so sure that alanon taught us how to leave your a. It got worse as time went on. The last meeting I went to before I left him he got so mad because I wasn't giving enough of my time to him and I wasn't serviceing him often enough. Well, every hour wouldn't be enough service to him. I tell you all of this because after I left he went right to aa (where he hadn't been for 2 years and actually took the program seriously for the first time. So serious that he is chairing meetings, praying(which he's NEVER done) and trying to tell me I need more meetings!:) He also said I need therapy according to him! I've been going to therapy without him knowing for a year now. I suggested that maybe he needs therapy, his answer to that is that he gets that at aa. He has an answer for everything that makes him look like the almighty king! He is the king at manipulation. There is hope that he will be okay with you going to ala-non but it really doesn't matter what he thinks about your program. It is for you and you'll have to stay strong about it around him. I've found that coming here helps alot too and he doesn't have to know you're actually attending a meeting online. It wasn't easy I'll tell but I felt like I was drowning before ala-non and now I feel like I'm floating on top of the world. Do what you must do to be happy. You do deserve that. One Day at a Time....... Whitie

Wowwie...  what a tough question ~ I've been with so many addicts...  all different & you never know how someone is going to react.  I do know a lot of ppl in the Program can't even tell their A's because of the ridicule & abuse that would follow.  Like Julia sd - she just kept holding up the book & saying it was about her.

I know my ex-husband (addict) would have never EVER "allowed" me to go around the corner, let alone al-anon.  He threatened my life many times if I ever 'talked about him' or his lifestyle. 

Changes make ppl uncomfortable...  You have to follow your insticts & your heart.  I do know from ESH  - the A immediately feels like you're blaming them & that's why u are going, as they blame everything on everyone else.    

Therapy is hard work, so is dealing w/ addictions. 

Good luck, love -K

 

I just told the truth, which was that there had been an awful lot of alcoholism and craziness in my life, and that I needed help.  I also said that we don't sit there and talk about the alcoholics in our lives.

I too just told my A I was going. Over the next month or so he would ask me the occasional question about it which I answered honestly.

It took a while but he now knows that this is about me not him.